Is that what this is?

We always do what we want.

Im gasping for breath. I cant seem to find it.

Im warm so very warm.

We always do what we want.
   Ember values life without me before life with me. Or she wouldnt be ignoring me a thousand miles away.

Hold on.

I sometimes wish I never had her.
That other things would happen.
But I know it'd be pointless.

Id be lying if it werent true
The part where
Well me and you
And the thought
Makes morals stab
Me in my chest
A heart never knows best

Sleep

When will happiness exist without a deep breath and a firm grip of a hand?

I made it through work. Me and Ember spoke for 2 hours. Every girl at my job laughed at my jokes. To them im witty and handsome. A girl eyed me down like a diamond ring under glass. And id lie if I said I didnt like it. The power of control. I think now, I wouldnt have this courage without ember. I wouldnt be witty charismatic nor smooth. These girls wouldnt have wanted me for who I was. Not like how Ember did. I was weird, awfully awkward at texting, overly attracted, and her? She was the same.

But I cant say for sure if shes still the same person.

I love you Ember.

Cant get a grip

I have work in an hour. Im utterly exhausted. Ember hasnt messaged me in days. I feel like its taking a toll on my feelings for her. Shes probably going through bouts of depression hoping I get sick of her and leave her because she believes I deserve someone better.

You deserve someone better :"( shed say.

Over.

And

Over.

Makes me think shes doing something I dont approve of. I wonder if shes popping pills again. Although the last time she broke in tears saying she regretted it over the phone to me and that she was sorry.

She could easily be lying to me. I believe she values me but everythimg else in her life? I dont know.

Fucking a Ember. Fucking A.

I feel like a plant without water when I dont hear from her. Near death, wilted, dried out. Maybe her last petal will fall of the rose that I grew for her, and ill move on. I fucking hate feeling like my life is on pause waiting for someone who cant even tell me good morning or goodnight.

Tattoos

For certain is death for the born
And certain is birth for the dead;
Therefore over the inevitable
You should not grieve.

Bhagvad gita
in hindi Sanskrit i'd hope.
-------
"nem esik messze az alma a fájától"
the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in hungarian.
The proverb originated from germany, hungarians were of german descent.
my last name translates to noble German in Hungarian.
 ------
A dia de los muertos chica.

----------

Life asked death,

"Why do people love me but hate you?"

death responded,

"Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth."

Sometimes

I write things that are beautiful (not like now)
I write things where I leave out certain phrases or words.
Where their slight existence will change a whole perception.
It's true the world is what we make it.
That what anyone sees is what we show.
To be a great liar is one of the worst things
Because you buckle at the slightest discomfort
Knowing you'll get away with any false face of confidence.
You'll miss the experience, the knowledge
Of becoming strong and dense.

Fuck!

I found a great poem. I want to share it. It's about someone who has cancer and their perception/experience in their hospital.

Chemotherapy Lounge.

“I don't understand this, I only turned my back for a few seconds.

All our money was in there.”

“Up next: Daydreaming about sex and why its good for you.”

The televisions talk for us,

fill the endless spaces.

There is no understanding

only tacit treatment of cancer patients

who are all alike.

Lined up in recliner chairs,

at times almost fifty of us.

“Welcome back. We’re talking about how to have house guests and enjoy them.”

“What makes your adrenaline rush? What makes it pump?”

The faintly metallic odor of noxious drugs,

the sour-sweet overlay of vomit permeates everything,

even the carpet.

Trapped in our seats,

plugged to poles we sit for hours.

Poisoning takes time.

“It was to be a yearly lease but I let him have it month to month.

Then he wanted me to pay for the utilities.

I said, ‘Do you want me to fix your breakfast, too?’”

“Let's get together for dinner and finalize the details about the wedding.”

“Sorry, Roxanne, not tonight.”

“But darling, why?”

The nurse has on a felt pumpkin hat for Halloween.

She sits heavily on a stool by my side,

drops ten or so filled syringes in her lap.

All of this will go into my body.

“So, how've you been?” she asks without looking at me.

I feign sleep, try to shut out noise and small talk.

Neither one of us is really here.

Magenta Adriamycin crawls up the tubing to the port

just above my bra.

“Tanya, welcome to our show. Tell us why things haven't been going so well

between you and Roger.”

“Storms will fire up north, expect some wind damage,

it’ll juice up down south with heavy rain.”

The taste of the drug hits me

as it disappears down the port in my chest.

My tongue itches.

I whisper, “I'm so sick.”

A reflex pat on the arm,

an emesis basin and towel in reply.

“Now your clothes can smell like you just hung them out to dry in the sunshine.”

“When are you going to tell him the baby isn't his?”

What I need is a large breasted woman—

pale, yellow house dress

worn, blue plaid apron.

I catch the scent of Vel soap

as she enfolds me on her old porch glider.

Bridal wreath in full bloom shades us

as we rock back and forth.

She rubs my back with a depth of compassion I can collapse in,

never bottom out

while she softly repeats,

“What a terrible thing to happen to you, honey.

What a terrible thing.”

      -Amy Haddad

Let the alarm

Wake you.
Let it tell you to open your eyes.
Don't fool yourself.
don't wake up and look for that someone.
don't wake up and think of the events of yesterday.

Find the light of the sun,
Stare at it.
Tell yourself its a new day.
Tell yourself with a new day comes a new time.
a new time where you can put your pains behind you.
Where they don't stick up.
feel like a bubble under paint.
An apple under a carpet.

Bite.
Deep.

And fuck. You're far too horny.

Straight

Get your head straight,
Don't lie.
Get your head straight,
Don't say that you'll cry.
Get your head straight,
She's better off.
Get your head straight,
She'll be happier without you.
Get your head straight,
You'll need to hold on.

Care, Dont care.

Bleed.

I hate writing on this keyboard.

I see it.
I see it now.
I hate.

I hate myself, and all my responses.
Im afraid of how ill come out.
im afraid of how my words will leave my mouth.
Im afraid of how my motions will change your thoughts.

Tuesday.
I can't do anything right now but tell the truth.
Im losing belief.
Belief in anything.
Everything.
Id tell you id want to move to sf.
To get to know you.
I've thought about it
once I get my license,
after finishing my semester here, ill pay off my lease
And just leave.
Leave to find the west coast.
To see what the city has to offer.
To hope you'd spend time with me,
That you'd heal me, and id heal you.
But I don't think you'd like to hear that.
I know you may not feel that way anymore.
I extinguished that flame, and now
Im holding hands with a dream far from reality.
No one wants to hear anything I've to say.
No one cares about these eyes anymore.
No one cares about these lips.
No one wishes I was by their side.
No one knows how its all I thrive.
I don't care about games,
Not while my heart is empty.
I don't care about friends,
Not while I have no one to caress.
Its a fucked up thing I know,
But tell me im an idiot, be my guest.
But guess what? It can't change who I am.
And if I could I would, because I had a dream about death last night,
A dream where I was shot, in the face.
I challenged them to do it,
To shoot me.
-because I didn't think they could get away with it.
But they did.
and all I felt was bliss.
As my friends near me cried and shouted,
I lost sight and fell back as my face was splattered on the walls.
I was happy.
it was serene.
I died and went to a heaven, with no fear or remorse, just that bliss.

Thats right. Give me reason.

I can't settle.
No.
Not anymore.

Girls.

Want you to bend.
And flex.
And twine
To become a complex statue.
That they find beautiful.
And when you ask for a favor,
They've no hands to help.
No heart to care,
No time for you.
Just them.

Love is an equation.

No one seems to care.

Possibility

Its been a while since I've tasted this feeling.
Let's just hope it doesn't cease,
from fear,
insecurity,
Lack of expression,
To be a ground underneath.

Losing Trust

In myself.
i'm losing it.
you're losing it.
he's losing it.

I just want to rest.
  Knowing I don't have to worry.

Vyvanse Re-Script

Vyvanse makes me happy.
It makes me proud.
It makes me motivated.

It takes my hands and makes awe.
It cultivates my eyes to let in beauty.
It makes my tongue persuasive and passionate.
It makes me forget a long lost lover.
It makes me take pride in being alive.

Johnny Five. Johnny Five.

Why is it

I'm still grasping for the walls?

I still feel like i'm sliding.
Sliding and I can't feel safe.
Dwindling down.
Like a quarter in some cheap vending machine.
Plinging and making ticks.
Getting closer to my final destination.

Gasp for breath

At an unborn title.

Is what I've become something I fully know?
do you remember when you knew yourself,
So.
Fucking.
Well?
Do you really love Ember?
You're going to find out.
Why is it so hard for you.
To.
Just think of the times
where
We
Lose
our
mind
To
rhymes
That
are
Mun
dayne.
A
Mon
ot
Nous
Line
of
symmetry
And
Lack
of
Thought.
A pattern, without a cost.

I passed

I spent the day wasting away at my computer. Stuffing my face. It felt pretty good, but now i'm worried about school.

Im sitting outside the countys probation office.

im waiting to feel the urge to piss, as someone is about to look at my dick and watch me. I hope I don't look like a scumbag with my hat on. Id lie if I said I didn't feel tough going here. I shouldn't because its putting my entire life at risk for not being able to get what most people can. I hope this wont affect my license.. well see.

Alright, wish me luck.

Lonely.

Real fucking, lonely.

I've my drug test tomorrow, I might fail it and get a record for posession. My cousin may not be able to become a citizen. If do.

I don't know what to do.

Mikail stayed at some girls house tonight, I didn't realize how much better it felt when someone was just around with me. Im scared. that I wont have any friends. Because I don't know how to have friends. I don't know how to ask someone to hangout. Im scared. Im lonely.

Ember. That. Bitch.

Where does my life go now?

When A Heart

Is broken,
not once,
not twice,

When a heart is broken,
to where you don't know what causes a pulse,

Does the heart regrow?
Does it become stronger?

Or will it forever have a major flaw,
Where the one who broke it,
Can always shatter it on a whim?

Cheating
Life
One
Pill
At
A
Time.

Sorry.

The pipes are red hot.
The flames were raging and now its time to cool
To what aim the machine had even its creator didn't know.
But the result leaves him with a sense of debt and apology
Where he would feel the honor of being scolded.

Grab the tools.

Suture kit,
Staples,
IV lines,
Glue.

Im going to be in a million pieces.

I hope someone knows that I can't handle this fate.

Becareful, im clawing for a heart to feed on its sincerity.
To help fill this hole in my chest.

23 hours and a heart will be broken

Im sure of it, im sure
That love isn't pure
Cause my heart wont ever rest
Cause love and me,
Well we never got along
Since a girl named X
Who treated me like a pet
A dog in a cage

So while I try and make efforts pure
I see monsters and demons
Get the girls who are pretty
Who are smart and sexy
With wit and intelligence
to tell me im just too skinny.

That their man is amazing,
Yelling at them,
Making them feel like shit,
Putting sports and hobbies
on the top of their list.
All the while I stand on the lines
Watching fate desecrate love like murder
Rubbing its burning ashes on my heart
Making even my eye lids tough as leather.

So ill say FUCK YOU.
With a power I feel coming from my feet.
Toes to hair, I can feel the heat
in my fists and my scowl,
while I stare at your lack of
gratuity,
I hope you fucking die, while
You lay alone in a cold ditch
Having punk kids piss on your grave
Like when I finally scratch an itch.

Control

I haven't smoked weed in 5 days, I haven't masturbated in 3. I feel different and happier. But right now im a little low.

I always feel like shit when a pretty girl comes around. I feel defeated when they leave. I feel like a failure knowing I wasn't so amazing that they just threw themselves at me. I don't know why the fuck my brain works like that. I don't.

I miss Ember. We haven't been able to hold a real conversation in over 2 weeks now. It makes me scared that I might not know her anymore when she comes up to me.

Im afraid.

I feel great

I've been going to the gym and even without it I feel that I've a new happiness. I really noticed how happy id been when I successfully welded my exhaust back together a few days ago. I also realized that I hadn't made any true eye contact with anyone in a while. I felt scared looking t mikail in the eyes. It felt good and reassuring.

Ember I love you. I fucking hate myself. Hazlet is going to come over tomorrow.. or so we planned. I really feel hesitant.. we agreed to be friends with benefits, but I feel horrible for doing that to Ember. I told her I wanted to be single, but it seems now at this point it doesn't matter, because the only girl I want is her. Ember really has become my everything. In the past 4 days, she's only answered one of my questions and texted me 4 sentences.

Out of the Haze

Ive been high-free for a little over 8 hours, and I have a strange sense of self. I keep getting urges to smoke and I get frustrated when I can't. Mikail is right, I shouldn't have to smoke so much when I've so much riding on what I have right now.

I need someone with me right now.

I wrote an email to Tuesday, saying I changed the password to netflix. I feel terrible that I had to. I realized my debit card changed in the time and ceased payments since august 15th. I wonder if she's still alive. I hope she's happy.

We agreed to leave each other a long time ago, she said shed contact me on her birthday. I wonder if she still loves me. I wonder if she really wasn't as crazy as she said. Id feel so happy to hear from her again, but im scared by that time Ember would be my life. Maybe these thoughts would cease if Ember was with me. I can't really put to thought what that value that leaves is in these words. That I want to speak with Tuesday only until I find out Ember is worth it.

Am I fucked up for needing love?

Ember is worth it...

Flicker in the Ember

I think Ember might be dead.
Or dying.

I'm finding myself thinking that she may not make it to live past the 18 days to see me.
She told me she was coming up on the 27th.

She messaged me this morning saying that she feels horrible. She messaged me saying she hasn't eaten since yesterday morning. She messaged me, I'm not vomiting blood, just black stuff. Black stuff is blood love, that's not good. You need to go to the hospital.

That was the last I heard from her over 2 hours ago. It's common for her to disappear another 24 hours.

I'm high. And i'm worried. But it's a beautiful day outside, and I'm going to enjoy it.

Something.

It's hard for me to write!

I don't want to.

I feel like I don't have the energy in me to write again. I feel like it doesnt' do for me what it used to. But than again I haven't tried to really write in a long time. Quick a theory while the feeling lasts. Motivation is positively correlated to the duration we feel certain emotions.

God damnit. I've seriously got some problems I can't kick. I'm addicted to masturbating. I'm addicted to smoking weed.

Hm, Is it really an addiction if it is justified? I've been depressed so long; the feeling of an orgasm and smoking weed seems to keep me at the level of happiness that I used to feel. God. It's been so long that I've been searching for that feeling. I can't remember what I even did in those times anymore. But let me just remind myself and everyone for the reasons of defense mechanisms, that, that life won't be permanent.

Ember is still down south in florida.

She told me more about this guy and how he's crazy. Schizophrenic crazy maybe. His daughter is a drugged up walking clot of dirt who roams the streets. His son doesn't care about anything has no ambition for life. He can't take knowing that Ember speaks to me. They get into huge arguments him and her until it settles. I'm not quite sure how that ends up with her in the house still. Maybe because the Crazy guy's love for her kicks in and he tells himself he can't be mad at her.

sMOKE SMoKE SMOKe

it's 4. I just ate breakfast. I feel like a stain of scum on the wall that hadn't been attended to in over a decade. I feel like the filth in this apartment will slowly take me down with it.

I miss Ember.

I miss that short time we had.

Im looking for someone

To talk to.

Full moon

I woke up on my old couch in my parents house. It was covered with a soft material to keep dog dander off but really harbored tons of dog germs. I felt my contacts dried up against the iris of my eye. Some cartoon show was on the big 46 inch tv and the smell of stale banana bread welcomed my senses. My mother left it out for me to eat before she left, I guess I passed out. It was 430 in the morning. I felt a sense of failure in my heart knowing I didn't answer mikail or my cousin. I felt id let them down as I usually do. I told myself I don't care, all I need is... Ember... my mind felt like the floor just fell out from under me. A highrise white collar cubicle maze had just sunken in the ground and I've a new intense relationship with velocity. I thought of her and my mind had already well associated the thought of her with checking my phone. I desperately searched for it as this feeling of depression sat on my skin like a splash of acid. I tossed and turned unsheveling myself and the couch. I gave up and tried to diffuse the on comming panic attack telling myself to breathe and give up and move on. I calmed down. I found my phone, everything I hurt for is made up now. All my pain can cease to exist! Ember must have messaged me. She must have left me messages. *check* No one. No Ember. No Mikail. At that point I felt terrible. I tried to make my pain go away by eating some bread.

Corner

I stood there looking inward toward my room. I thought of everything. I thought of Ember.

He stood on the glamor of a promise.
What he remembered from his time with her was uncomprable.
Nothing in his life for ages had given him that warmth.
She became his sun.

She lay away, in a house with Another Man.
Where she frames herself with smiles and beauty.
Posing infront of crowds with prying eyes.
She holds her tongue, hides her face,
and will never stay around to listen.

But she comes with Promises
That are murky from facts well stated.
Promises of love, and ever after.
That make her soul open up.
My wounds would heal, and my eyes
would grow sharp.
My breath would return and I'd be happy.
Content.

Now 2 days later, the hours of the day, will tell me she'll never come. Never.

Home

Ugh.

Fuck.

  So let's see. Where am I? I'm only a few moments from having pursed my lips on a steel barrel that was filled with some great weed. I'm not high yet. But can feel the undercurrents staling the air.

I feel as if you were to ask me, i'd tell you, i'm shit. Feeling like shit. Non-stop. But now, what I think may be happening, is that i'm noticing i'm not feeling like shit. I'm realizing there may be a possibility, I fool myself that i'm depressed because I've been that way so long. Interesting. It's hard to find happiness in everything, but I think it's coming back. :3

That makes me happy.

Sobering up

Its 12:50 and my eyes are slow. I can't look around the room without having the feeling of molasses. I just want to hold my head low, and throw the weight of my flesh onto a surface. I just want to kiel over and breathe whilst I sleep.

I had to spend today worrying. Like every day. Worrying about Ember. I havent heard from her In over a day. She says she loves me but I question the emotion behind those words. Shed be here right now if she really did.

Lay your head

Im trying to focus on not focusing. On ember. On things that make me feel shitty. Feeling how shitty Ember leaves me, makes me think back to Tuesday. She didn't treat me well always fighting the way we did, but I still really cared about her. I feel fucked up thinking about her like a dream but im starting to think its just human nature. That love isn't something that's metaphysical. It exists where it can pretaining to conditions. Love is defined. Love is measured. Love is cold, calculated, and what some live for.

I had a dream about Tuesday

She was happy, content. She got into a relationship with her guy friend and he actually treats her nice. Her eyes began to open wider at a new experience. She had new friends and barely had time for poetry. I found her history of her blogs and back tracked through profiles to find her. I scanned through a list of names, noting one that sounded like her. I saw her, it was a picture of her laughing. She looked so happy. I couldn't ruin that by going back in her life. I was heart broken knowing she hadn't even a thought of me at this point in her life. But I was happy. Because I knew she was happy. I hoped that she would message me one day, but I felt guilty, knowing id want her to love me.

Whom

Who I am I feel is defined as a clinically depressed suicidal wire line walker. But I just can't kill myself. I feel trapped in a pot heating up from a fire. I can't escape this pain and I've got to bear it. I cant find any release from this point in my life but through drugs.

Who knew human personality can get this complicated and deep.

High for Eternity

I smoked ll day since I've been home. My bck aches incessantly nd I actually feel happy. No worries no cares, I can't wait to smoke before work tomorrow. I hope im still up to par.

Oh Im officially a Murse now.

Dry Scales

A coworker was reading the obituaries during our lunch break. He was of my age and I heard him crack dark humor before. I thought he could agree with my opinnion on death.

Let me ask you something, do you really dare if one of our patients die?

No.
Blh balh blah

Organs In Sensation

Hell.
My writing is so.

Far.

Off.


I'm still that bittersweet bashful feeling when I get complimented. Fuck. When I talk like that I sound like a Fag. Fuck. Fuck.

Let's just say right now.. I'm high.

High of marijuana.

Which i'm on conditional discharge for.

I'm so fucking depressed, i think i'd feel comfortable living in a system where my life is planned out in routine. Like when I got put in the back of that car after being arrested.. You know.. When I think back to that time, I think I told Tuesday that.

God, Tuesday.

What a Day she was.

There was something about her that always had me.. somehow attracted and adored to her.

I did want to be the castle of her world.

But I couldn't take the anxiety, the anger, the illogical unreasonable metholodical psychosis.

She didn't seem crazy, not at all. She just kept ruminating in her own thoughts, as I do as well.

It's funny. I thought of you Tuesday, when Ember told me today, that she was "scared that it's not what I think." Ahem. Let me rephrase that for you.

Me: "what are you waiting for to come up baby?"
Ember: "I'm scared that it's not what I think... I love u so much"

I can't think. When I get emotions feeling like this, I can't focus. I can't make any logical judgements. I can't take those words in without a pulse being skipped in my heart. My breath is being lost at the fear of losing her. If she loves me, let her come and let me know her love is true. If she doesn't love me, tell her to let me go, because ...I've better things to do.

A Sick man's banter.

Lost under speculation

Im at the doctors right now for my stomach. It got real fucked up somehow. its excruciating to eat anything, or at least it was until 3 days ago. Now its just slight painful under my mid back.

Ive been really retarded recently. I can't come up with proper words, I can't use logic skills. My memory has turned to shit. I can't remember half the things I do anymore. Im beginning to feel like that movie momento.

I used to have this feeling when I smoked weed that I've had to much. Im at the point now where I can barely satisfy my needs. I still get to the point where I've had to much if my depression hits me real hard.

Ember just bought texting service and messaged me in the morning telling me she loves me and fixed her tattoo on her arm that used to say Ray* for her physically abusive ex boyfriend. Now it says Pray, for her religious beliefs. I told her apprehensively again that I was atheist. But a little light in a dark house will be a good thing.

I still love Ember even though its been 3 months since I've seen her. She's still living with that crazy guy in his house who's obsessed with her. The tale of the slum girl who had no love. She had to live with him so she wasn't homeless. She was for 3 days prior to moving In. She was jumped a block from where she stays one night when the crazy guy called the cops on her. Ember called me up bawling, and I told her id drive down to Florida to pick her up back home to me.

My new bestfriend Mikail, is planning to move in with me, he's going to be crashing on the couch paying a measely amount of money to help me make the bills. I work 7 days a week and struggle to find time to sleep. Im planning on sleeping early from now on.

I don't want to bother speaking to anyone far to often. The only words I want to read are from Ember. The only voice I want to hear need to be from Ember. I love her. Oh, fuck, im 23.

Burning

It burns when I piss.

It may be a disease.

It may be a reckoning.

It may be karma.

For my lack of self respect

For the lengths I go for another despite my well-being

Ember, you're a burning wildfire in my mind.
Tuesday, I sometimes wish every girl I meet until december is just a short shot of being the love of my life until you.
Hazlet, Im sorry I don't know what I want. I just want to hold someones hand and know im able to fulfill someones dreams. Also, the sex is great.

I cant hold on.

Im getting sick of this disaster.
of life laughing at me with nothing but
Cheer and Saunter.

God. Fuck.
Im getting emotional now.
I think im going to cry.
Where's my Ember?
Show me her,
Because I want to die.

Heartless

A time when im sick and unhealthy.
Ill grab anyone who breathes.
Like im stuck in a pit,
Trying not to die,
but possibly dragging others down,
To die with me.
With no regard of their well-being,
I assume I subconsciously
Take form as a monster
To survive without caring how
Even if its at the plight of another.

This sick and dark part of me,
Wants to fuck every girl
That comes in the latter.
To make them cum
And shake
To breathe
And quake
While my head grows larger.

I want to take care of my friends,
and not gloat from a horse above the heights of men.

Im afraid this love is a disaster.
That she's a liar,
A cold disregard for this heart
On fire.
That shell never show face,
For some reason that can't be
explained.
Because she can't talk
of course, because of the guy
She has to live with,
Who she "hates" and
Claws at her with his
eyes and imagination.
A need to live in dark deep stagnation,
While everything she's waiting for
Is ready and perfectly set,
she's afraid to move in
that ill fall out of love
And shell be stuck with nowhere to go
To live
to get back home
Because she's never had love, or someone
who she hasn't to look after.

Ember

I love her. I feel like shell shape the rest of my life.
Ill always love this girl, because she never did anything wrong to me, she ust wanted me to genuinely be loved. All I ever looked for. Im sorry I couldn't last Ember. You're going to be in my heart for as long as I live.

I love you baby.
Take care of yourself.

Fuck Me.

I had sex with Hazlet last night.

She came 3 or 4 times in an hour and a half.

I don't like being egotistical, but doing that to her makes me feel amazing.

Im not some sex god, I am the product of delayed ejaculation due to the side effect of escitalopram.

I couldn't stop thinking of Ember. My heart is still with her. God I haven't spoken to her in days. Fuck. I don't know why I can't stop loving this girl. Im not upset that I had sex with Hazlet, I couldn't withstand being alone. She's way to into me than I am her. Its dangerous.

I love you Ember.

Writing

I want to let go.

God it felt great to write. I haven't written in so long. I feel that it's almost liberating. But there's thoughts that stop me. Like last post when I thought no one would read this. It made me say fuck it, what the hell am I doing on here anyway.

Well, Fuck that.

I'm here to write because to write means to write to write to write. It doesn't matter why I write. It matters that I feel better when I write. So i'll write, to write, to write.

Someone need not tell me how I like to use phrases not so common anymore. Despite if they're out of grammar or context. The way I write makes me feel damn good.

My father, I haven't seen or spoken to you in a month, I love you. I hope you're okay.

I don't care much for my family much anymore i'm finding. Ever since they found out about Ember, it made me disgusted to be around them. I fucking hate their pity and awkward lectures. I've heard it all ladies and gentlemen, I don't need to find the words from the last 100 people in the ones that I love. I'd rather live a lie hearing that you support my decisions of loving her.

I'm starting to get tired
of the things from the liars

The time I spend
Forgetting life
just trying to mend
A quilt already sewn

I forget the past
because my mind finds it
hollow
rotten

So take my hand
and smoke a drug
while I lay on the ground
mad
broken
and sad.

Despite

Feeling like the way I do right now..
Empty.

I feel like shit.

I think i'm getting sick.

I can't stop feeling like i'm not normal anymore.

I'm okay with who I am right now, or at least I think.

Maybe it's just the lexapro
Making me feel the way I do.

I'm not sure if i've ever mentioned my new friend Mikail. I've been hanging out with him quite a lot. We're almost in the same boat, although he's found that life can be enjoyable without someone else. However, me? Well. I'm another story.

Anyway.

Hazlet. Me and Hazlet are going on a date tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect. God my life feels like a fucking drama. I want to tell Ember that I'm single. That I don't want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to lose her. I told hazlet that I am single. The only reason I haven't told Ember that i want to be single is because she's never around for me to even tell her. I can't even hold a conversation with her longer than 2 responses in a week. It's starting to become.. negligble. Her existance at least. I can't say that I don't love her. I get fearful when I take this ring off I bought for her so girls wouldn't hit on me.

I think i'm back to that point where No One Will Read This. And I'm somewhat excited, because I won't have to feel worried. But the thought that Tuesday is gone makes me sullen. Ah well. She loved my writing, I really believed she did. I hope she's happy right now.

Fuck, Ember, I love you...

I'm scared that if I leave you, you'll kill yourself.
I'm afraid that if I leave you, your life will be complete shit.
I'm terrified that if you come up to me, you won't be what i'm looking for.
I'm horrified that Hazlet will become more to me than you are.



Dear Life, I'm becoming numb.

Numb.

A fuck to give.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Where the fuck are you?

I feel fucked up. I feel horny. I feel like fucking hazlet like she wants me too.
My dick still burns when I piss so im hesitant not to. But I need love, and my need for love surpasses all of maslows hierarchy when I've got the absence of it.

I don't think I could even. I don't fucking know why I miss this girl so much. I don't know why id die for her. Fucking fuck.

Dismayed

I didn't go down to florida.

21 hours of my time saved.

Ember told me not to come down, that i shouldn't. She had her birthcertificate stolen by someone she doesn't know who. The guy who she lives with no doubt. The last thing she told me was that she needed her money from the guy than shed come up to me. Now, 2 days later, her phone has been dead and I haven't heard from her.

My heart hurts.

I saw a girl who looked so much like Tuesday last night. My heart skipped beats for her. Her long black hair, her beautiful nose that she hated so much. I was so captivated by her I couldnt help but stare. Its best I stay out of her life despite how much I still feel for her. I put her equal to x and ember now.

At night

Im going down Sunday night. Fuck. Let's pray that I've got no problems with the car on the way down. Im going to borrow the silicone from mike, and carry an extra quart of oil just in case for the trip.

Ember, I don't remember the taste you've left me. Im going from what little hints of memory I have. I can't tell if its worth it.. but im still going down... fuck that's a huge sign of something being disconnected in my brain, no? Ah well. Im not sad, so whatever. Hah.

A feeling many people dont see.

Quickly.

It's 1:19.

This is the first time I've written something on my computer for this blog in a long time.

Let's make it good please?

I don't know if I can.


So.
EMBER.

She's what my life has succumbed to. A girl who grew up on the streets in a black neighbor hood with the nick name "Snow Bunny." She's a soft cuddly creature with a giggle that can make you awe. The girl says she's in love with me. I believe it when she says the words. I don't when she tells me she'll call me than doesn't. I know she may be homeless right now. I know she may have an ulcer in her stomach because she hasn't eaten in days. I know that her life is filled with scars and tears that she regrets. It's really all so, overwhelming. I'm staying with her. For as long as I feel the need to be with her.

Many people tell me I'm crazy when I say, I'm going to drive down to Florida for her. A girl with no job. A girl with no car. A girl with no license. A girl with no I.D. I tell them it's love. They look at me with these eyes that scream something anew. I like it. I love finding surprise in people. But anyway. I don't care if i'm crazy. It's what I want.

I think I love her... At least.. I knew I really really did until she left. Now this whole situation she's brought our relationship too is such a mess. It's so fucking overwhelming. I'm in it, but I'm not sure if i'm going through the relationship unconscious or braving the heat. God this girl. I forgot how she really is she's been gone so long. She left on the 28th of may I believe. She can barely speak to me. Because she's "busy?" She didn't say those words. But I know she's living with some guy.

This guy she lives with, I'll describe him in words:

Burnt out
Ragged
Loose skin
Chimney
Obsessive
Money hungry
Disrespectful
Schizophrenic
Freak.

Oh and, Alcoholic.

You can see the drugs stole the years from his skin. His eyes are sunken in as far as his hair line has receded. The mitochondria of his cells are diminished due to the denaturation of toxic substances flowing through his already schlerosing veins. This mother' is nothing but an engine without oil running at maximum speed.

It feels good to be on here again.

Live, Love, Die.
Please?

Jobro has started to fall in my eyes. He's still my bestfriend but something seems wretched in him. He lies to his customers to get them to buy things from the job he works at. He'd tell them things to ensure false security. He makes a front to make the customer feel happy but over fake truths. He says it's alright, but i'm starting to think the world of businesses are getting to him. He often falters when things get rough and blames everyone but himself. He often makes it seem like the world is out to get him when really things aren't as bad as he overly exclaims. He surprised me when he bought a new car. He said that he could afford it, the car was 17,000 dollars. I feel like he's at such a financial risk, if i were to tell him he'd blow up because he's a fucking prick when slightly questioned. He finds himself to be immaculate and perfect. If he were to be even considered dumb he'd break out cursing like a big dumb fucking fool. He can't even open his eyes yet points out how everyone around him is imperfect. It annoys the FUCK out of me. He called me "fake" today. He calls me a "fake" friend, because he can't count on me. Really, he's pissed at me because I can't be free when he's free, he doesn't even want to hang out outside of his house when not at a restaurant. His fucking outrageous gestures fucking drive me up the wall. He's so fucking dumb, and thinks he's Einstein when he dropped out of college thinking that Apple is his life and savior. I'm sure when he get's fired or is "forced to leave the company" it's going to be their fault. He's so predictable it's nauseating.

I'm done ranting. I've work soon. Vios Con Destino.

Ember flickers at Night.

She hasn't spoken to me since 9.

I constantly switch my beliefs in her.

im going to pick her up in florida Sunday night. or at least that's when im leaving.

She called me at 2 in the morning. I answered. She was bawling. She told me that the guy she was living with called the cops on her. So did his children. She said she was going to get arrested. She apologized to me for being a fuck up.

She later told me she was confronted and jumped by 3 people before she called. She can handle herself on the streets.

Her life is nothing short of a wreck.

She almost admitted herself to the hospital after having not eaten for 3 days just the day before. She said her stomach didn't feel right.

My mind is weak.

Ember, I say I love you, but Im not sure I mean those words whole heartedly. I think you may need to earn their entirety.

Startled

Im starting to get scared. That maybe, a relationship isn't enough. When I have Ember again, will I really be happy? Will she entertain me? Im getting fearful. Very fearful. If you're a woman, stay away. Ill probably break your heart and eat your soul. And you wont even care about it.

Conversation

Lost its luster.
Lacks fulfillment.
I've no hunger
For words with those
Unloving.
That which is a woman

I don't have friends, because I don't have a need. I dont like conversation As a man with surplus money has no greed. I've enough fill, To be happy without conversation. I just crave that woman Who sees my hunger. Understanding my parse lips For love, forever after.

Sweating.

Im sitting here sweating.
The moisture is overwhelming my skin.
The humidity of the room is making me drown.
I feel my clothes becoming saturated from my waste.
I wipe the waterfall forming on my upper lip,
And question time.

42 minutes into my shift and im losing steam.
Ces la vie.

Shedding Warmth

Things are good between me and Ember. I think I may have an STD because it burns when I piss. Its funny cause I don't give a shit. I never really did. I think it was from Ember, but ill figure out soon enough. She may come up next week and well finally be together. I just hope she's still the girl I barely remember.

Hazlet got real drunk and tried kissing me. She kept grabbing at me looking at my lips in a drunken stupor. Im upset because I hate to leave a girl like that just hanging. I would have loved to hold her and show her how amazing sex could be. I told her no and pushed her hands off of me saying I couldn't do that, you know that.

A Cold Night without a Flame and Tuesday

Its been sometime since I've actually seen or heard Ember. Her bright eyes, her high pitched giggle. I want to say I miss it, but the emotionless crater in me leaves some sort of an empty affection. I wish she was here sure, but.. something in me is settling for the moment I have now. Maybe its because im scared. That im scared she might not be what I wanted? Or, its coming closer to me now, maybe its because im getting tired of her not being there for me. She, for some undetiled reson, couldnt text me while her roomte ws round. The last thing she said to me was mentioning something about her putting a gun to her head and her needing to let me know that she would have done alot just to show me how much she adored me. To most people, that's a red flag to get the fuck away. To me, its something that I don't see as a problem, rather as a beginning to a new question. Why? What makes you that way? No matter what her answer, im sure I would say something like, "Hm, okay." I think if she came up there's a big possibility it would be our last relationship. But I can't believe that just yet. Not the way I know her now. I can hardly remember the moments we spent together in my mind right now. God. I feel like she wont be coming up by next weeks time. If not then,when? Who knows, maybe shell just find another way to stall. She wears a ring on her left hand for me. I find that she's nothing short of normal. Its things like that, that puts my heart in a tryst. Im happier with her than Tuesday, but it wasn't her fault she couldn't make me happy. It was just struggles within herself.

I came across a picture of her I had missed to delete some while back. She requested I remove all of the pictures from my computer then... and im somewhat glad.. I missed this one.. God.. if only we could have had each other. I felt a real connection that was thick and strong like the support beam of a house made from steel. But her paranoia and lack of trust rotted my patience away. If only she wasn't so vicious when it came to getting close. We could have had it all. I wonder if shell message me on her birthday like she promised. But something in me thinks shell have new friends, new things, and new people to put me in the back of her mind. She better be fucking doing better emotionally or id have to kick her ass. I constantly compare the conversations we had and the ones I have with ember through texting. The ones with Tuesday had such depth, but towards the end of us, she begun to lose consistency of that depth and became irratic. The only way she could speak to me seemed in a way of spite under a hidden veil. Like she pretended not to be hurt but continued to try to talk normal. We had different views anyway. She wanted to live in her own place, while I wanted her to be with me. I wish ember had her spunk and indepence.

5 months (meant to be before last post)

I still remember.
About december.

Everytime I see a girl who's a latina, my heart would think of her. Her beauty and spunk. God I felt like she was a firecracker. She wouldve been witty and clever. Im sure. She would've had sex like a demon like no one else could. She would be artistic and hang on my shoulder like an emblem of love.

But those were just dreams I was thinking of.
And I still remember how she hated rhymes.
How she could be so desperate and cry.

She yelled at me and filled me with pain. I couldn't take it all like I hoped I could. I just hope one day, shell be happy and smile. Live life like she should.

rhymes blow.

4th of july party

Im working in the morning as per usual. Ember is so hard to believe. She sent me a picture of a note asking me to marry her. She told me she wants to hurt herself because im so sad she's not here with me. I constantly ask myself is she worth it? But something in me speaks to me words Im desprately afraid of.

Dave.

Yeah?

You couldnt leave her if you tried you worthless piece of shit. I've seen dirt that had more self respect than you.

Having that been said. I can't tell if she disrespects me to the point of justifying breaking up. I really can't. This girl.. gah.

Im starting to realize we don't have much in common but if I remember correctly shed be into anything I was into. She loved that I was nerdy and the way I dressed. She says she's head over heels for me but I can't help but relate her personality to a cheating boyfriend on maury. Literally.

I was glancing at an episode of maury during work and it was of a boyfriend who was accused of being a prostitute and cheating on his wife. He would never answer calls or txts. He would disappear randomly in the night. He would have girls txt him "I love you, and thanks for the pictures" and when he would be around his wife, he would act like nothing happened.  Ember never answers my calls and barely answers my texts. When I ask her direct questions she avoids me by disappearing than coming back hours later just saying "I love you." On her face book she has a dozen guys flirting with her on her pictures saying she's sexy beautiful and gorgeous. I don't mind it because I believe she does love me. Or so she says. God im putting a disgusting feeling in my gut thinking about her right now.

She told me even if I break up with her shell come up to see me. Im not sure how true that is anymore. Im getting tired. My eyes are heavy.

The party tonight, there's going to be slutty girls. There's going to be lots of beer. There's gonna be a fn million chances to have sex. But I can't. Why? Because I have integrity. Because I believe in loyalty. Because being committed is something the world can barely be. I am the positive strife to the negative atrocity of love in the world.

The world can only be a happy place if we do happy things.

Hazlet

Arguements are ugly. She's broken up with her fiance and were smoking at her house. She's in tears arguing about property and dues.

Im going to console her.

Dinning Room Lunch

im half awake. There's old 80s synth playing from a grandpiano that would go perfect for a montage clip for karaoke. Hazlet is working the dinning room so she's running around taking orders at requests from the patients. Shes waking around with a pink glittery bow in her and im attracted to the contrast. She has. Monroe piercing she just got in with industrials in her ears. Everytime she speaks she has this strong yet respectful voice that basically sounds like, "do you want to fuck with me?" Its seductive. A girl with attitude. I hope to myself that im not just filling in Embers spot with her existence in my life. I came here just to talk with her just cause she makes me happy. Fuck I have a problem, only girls can make me happy.

Bathroom Confessional

I often frequent the bathroom at my work just to take time for myself. Within there I forget that im working and actually get a chance to breathe.

Ember says shell come as soon as she gets 3000 dollars from some guy she's living with. Im not quite sure why someone would give her that much money. Ember isn't anything short of sketchy.

Im afraid.

Im super afraid.

Hazlet, a girl from the kitchen is breaking up with her fiance. I flirted with her a while back but she wasn't interested. Now, she's obsessed. She cried when I told her I have a girlfriend. We hung out a couple times since and I hated it especially the last time - I want to be with her in a relationship, but I don't and can't because im with Ember. I know she can offer me the passion i desire, while Ember always has me on the edge of crazy. Hazlet is deep and fun to talk to. Ember barely has the time of day to have a conversation with me. I know things will be different when Ember gets here. But fuck. If she's a lying succubus as many declare, Ill have to lose her and Hazlet and go in a rampant depression.

A City Ablaze

Well fuck. Here I am on a Sunday night staying up late on the 4thweek of working 7 days a week. The event is actually pretty common place. Looking into space contemplating life and its choices, desperately searching for solace.

Solace. Fuck I forgot what it felt like to have my feet on the ground. I forgot what it felt like to exist in a world where everyother word spoken is a trigger for terror. I was just starting to get happy by my self, but than Ember. I feel like life is strangling me by throat. Its causing me to kick the floor for grip. Make me feel like it could be the end. This fucking Ember.

I feel like I yell at her so much but my internal emotions say completely otherwise. But I fucking love her so much. To the point where my life depends on being with her. If im not, I couldn't even imagine what id do. People reading this would be thinking, that personality is horrible to have, he must not know it. Well I fucking know it. I know it exists eats and breathes. I cannot exist without love.

I guess that means im becoming a rather particular person. One that may be found crazy. I felt like, I read a psychiatric disorder described me... diassociative personality? Hm.

Anyway. Ember.

She's in florida...
With another guy...
Who she says isn't fucking.
-she told me he tried to get with her yesterday but yelled at him and had her big black friend yell at him too.
Going to a school in florida...
-that she's planning to leave after she gets 3k... from someone? In a weeks time.
Doesn't have a license
May have a drug problem
Barely answers my texts..
Constantly tells me she loves me

Those are just bad things..

A Dark Hole with all things Somber.

In this pit where I find nothing
I see my phone flash a message
With none to be found

In a new body with muscles
So i can forget the world in which
she says I'm her ground
she says I'm her everything
she says I'm her husband
she says I'm her future

I fear one thing she'll never say is,
I was lying.

I'm tired of feeling alienated.

Not just from Ember.

Fuck, fucking fucking fuck.

Really?

Yes.

You don't say.

You know you haven't talked to me in a while.

You're right.

Let's have a hearty conversation.

I don't think I can make it last long enough.

Well, than fucking talk about what every gets the thing off your chest.

WELL lets FUCKING see.

Ember.

She says nothing BUT, I love you.

 Fuck her.

I don't feel like talking about her.

This is the last poorly written thing I said to her:

"If you seriously can't take the time out of the day to talk to me, and have the time of day to put up new profile pictures, Don't talk to me.

Facebook > Me.

If you don't like that let me know, but I don't figure you'll get back to me."

 

FUCK

YOU

EMBER.

 Because I really fucking need you, and you don't even fucking take it into account. 

I feel like crying

She sent me this

This feeling

Formed from dreams
Makes things to be displeased.

Ember.

She's fucking dangerous.

She's so fucking shady.

You know, I guess this is the real me.

The me, I know and love.

The me, who Ember doesn't see.

But I hold the part she does

Because I'm looking for an explanation

Of her lack of timing.

Lack of response.

Her avoidance of major questions.

Questions in which I die to know.

She's a million miles away

Yet she's got her hands on my heart.

I can't tell yet,

Whether she wants to cherish it

Or tear it apart.

Because i'm scared to look at her in the eye.

As I may intimidate her.

As I may find, what truly lies inside.

Paranoia.

1 hour.
She didn't text back.

She doesn't love me.
She doesn't care about me.
Everything she said was a lie.
The world is crashing.
A guy posts on her facebook, Call me.
A guy comments on her photos
She responds :) <3.

Jealousy is a wicked demon which stands on my back prodding me with it's trident and singes my flesh with his tail of fire.

She messages,

Salvation
It's true.
Well spend our lives together.
She loves me
She yearns for me.
I'm all she ever needed.

I think I'm fucking PARANOID.

One eyed man

Ember messaged me back after she disappeared. It makes sense that once everything has burnt up that it'd leave small coals glistening red hot. She told me she loves me.

God I'm so fucking weak. This girl, she's too fucking much for me. I think it wouldn't work out between us but every time she tells me she loves me or calls out to me I buckle and give in. I know I shouldn't. There's nothing that can come of us. She won't come up to new jersey, and I won't go down to florida. All of her friends I'm sure are party goers. I'm sure they love clubs. I'm sure they spend every night drunk. I'm a nerd. Id rather spend my time with just me and my lover. I don't need clubs. I don't need drinks. I don't need to get fucked up. I don't need to run out to the fancy city every Friday night. I don't need the anxiety of people. I don't need any of that.

Ember

She knows i'm on facebook.
She knows had my number.
She could have messaged me before she left but didn't.

Ember: Helplessly Bringing the Torrent of Fire

    This is the story of

 N.L.M.J. a.k.a. Ember

    I originally met this girl four weeks ago. I was on break and coincidentally forgot to bring cash for lunch that day. I only had my card on me so I set out to get lunch somewhere. I went to tacobell, and as I opened the door she instantly caught my eye. She locked eyes with me. She looked away. My heart skipped a beat like it usually does when I see a gorgeous girl. She was at the register waiting for customers. I ordered some combination, who f'n knows what. As I was ordering I couldn't help but stare at her. She laughed and giggled without even having me say a word. She messed the order up smiling wildly, "You said soft taco right?" Me: "No, crunchy haha." She became extremely embarassed but laughed again. She fixed the order. We had a moment of silence. She broke out laughing again. Me: "Hahah, are you okay? Something funny?" She spoke worried and completely bashful: "No, haha." She asked if I wanted to dine in, but I got there late and I knew she was far too hot for me to be in my league. I said I wanted it to go. She looked up at me for the first time after the awkward laughing and showed me her bright blue-green eyes that you'll soon know I came to love. "Are you sure?" she asked with that wild smile. "Yeah, I really gotta get back." I returned the gesture of the smile. I grabbed my food. I opened the door. I walked out. I went up to my car and opened the door. I sat down, closed the door. I screamed "FUCK. SHE WAS TOTALLY INTO ME."
    3 weeks pass and I just got shot down from another girl I just met. It was saturday. I was distraught, but I knew I had to make up for it in a brash attempt to regain lost ground on finding someone. I thought of those blue-green eyes. The freckles on her skin. How cute she made her outfit look. I went to tacobell on break again, determined. She was there. I joke with her at the register and sit down to eat. I nervously plan out how to ask her if she would like to hangout with me. I take a breath, note the times I've done it before, come up to the counter and ask her for a bag. As I prepared to open my mouth for an awkward attempt at flirtation, She Handed Me Her Number. I was in shock. I fled to my car, I hurried up work, and I sat in my work parkinglot thinking about what to say. "Heyy, :)"
    And that was the beginning. We talked incessantly. She had work the next day until 11 and we had talked all throughout her shift. I told her I couldn't wait to meet her, and she said the same. Something I found to be a pattern for the rest of the time we spent together. I asked if she wanted to hangout when she got off work. She said yes. I show up to her house at 1:00am because I got lost. She silently creeped around the corner of her house as she had to sneak out the backdoor. God, She was beautiful. She was in pajamas but if you can make the uniform of tacobell look stunning, nothing else should even be a suprise. We walked over to a gazebo overlooking a lake. It was quiet and the overlooking street lights created a glimmer over the calm water. We talked about our lives. We talked about our aspirations. It felt, like everything just fucking fit.
We continued walking and kept finding things to be beyond real between us. I felt this strong feeling in my gut the moment I sat next to her and I knew she did too. We walked through her neighborhood as she told me her past. Her ex-boyfriend was physically abusive to the extent of which I cannot mention among other things. She didn't want me to tell anyone about it, and i'm sure if she knew I was just mentioning this to the public she would break down crying. Among things that are on a need to know basis, her mother was a druggy. Her father was a drunk, who also physically abused her. Her parents had a long fought custody battle over her, she never really had a home. She constantly moved back and forth. She lived in florida before coming up to nj. Long-story short, she never really had anyone to care for her, be there for her, even give her a present, or even treat her with kindness. All she ever wanted was love from someone.
    We laid in the middle of a street down a windy road in her neighborhood. We looked up at the sky hoping to see the stars. It was cloudier than a snowstorm in winter. "Man this was a great idea, its so beautiful, the clouds are blocking the stars and everything." We laughed and felt the vulnerability of the street. We got up because the rocks had begun to dig into our sides. We started walking and I told her, "You know, if you don't have to go back at anytime, I'm probably going to stay up all night with you." She looked at me calmly, her bright blue-green eyes shimmering even at night. She slowly widened a smile, and said "I'd like that." This girl was as crazy at love as I was. I couldn't believe it. She told me that she fell for me the first time she saw me 3 weeks ago as I did her. She said that the moment she saw me again coming back to tacobell she just had to give me her number. She told me she nervously thought of ways to give it to me and went through at least 50 different situations in her head. God she was just like me.
    We walked around more, and I told her about my subwoofer in my car. She said she'd love to hear it and became ecstatic at how loud it could be. We laughed more times than we could breathe. We were driving around aimlessly. I asked her where she wanted to go, she said the Moon. I laughed and said sure. We get lost somewhere down south of new egypt leaving from robbinsville. On the ride, She told me she believed in fairy tales. Everything in my mind made me want to prove to her that such a thing could exist. She kept telling me in between glimpses of admiration and infatuation that she felt like she was in a movie. I told her, let's watch the sunrise. And we did.
    We drove to belmar and walked on the boardwalk after stopping at a dunkin donuts. As we returned from the walk, we got in my car and she looked at me. I looked at her. I kiss her and ask her to be with me. It came so fluent. It felt so fucking natural. She said yes undoubtly, and sealed it with another kiss. We headed home with the new sun above our heads and headed back west to her house for what little sleep she could salvage. As she left she had a stutter and kissed me goodbye.
    We hung out the next day and I told her I felt fucking crazy because I wanted to tell her I loved her just the second day. Yeah, I know, I'm crazy. But maybe you just haven't met someone so perfectly fitting with who you were. She told me, "You know when I left last night, I nearly told you I loved you." She than poised a pathetic rouse of a question. "So, if there was a girl hypothetically, who wanted to spend every day with you.. would you think that's weird?" she spoke with the best disguise she could. I told her. "That's fucking awesome. I wouldn't want anything else." She smiled. She grabbed my hand. She kissed me.
    From that day on, we were within a hands grasp with each other. I told everyone about her, and introduced her to my friends. She loved everything about me, that I played guitar,  was a going to be a nurse, cared about helping people, and wanted nothign else but to make people happy. After introducing her to my friend mike, he told me that she was absolutely obsessed with me. I was still in shock that I was so in love with her that I hadn't truly realized it. She was. And I loved every ounce of obsession. We even made a huge prank that week, we had gotten her tongue pierced at a tattoo parlor and knowing how most of my friends knew this girl was crazy about me we thought it would have been hilarious to make everyone think she got a tattoo of my name. Haha, fuck, we had gotten the tattoo guy to put a bandage on her and show mike and my cousin. I fooled everyone else with pictures. We had laughed so hard when we were by ourselves we would fall over. We made a promise to never show anyone until far down the line of our relationship, joking "See the tattoo was a good idea guys!" God I was so in love with her. I drove her to and from work because she didn't have a car, because her ex-boyfriend wouldn't let her get a license. (They were going out since she was 15 until this last November.)
    On the following friday we had a conversation I know I'll never forget. Her features and face with her ever so soft voice, fucking forever embedded in my memory for as long as this love will last. We were in my car and I was driving. She said, "I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you." Before commenting on her statement, my eyes struck a chord of logic, "You know were absolutely crazy right? Like bat shit moving way too fast bat shit crazy right?" She asked "How?" in a deep passionate voice with a serious face. Her question made sense because of her abusive background. I told her because most people wouldn't even consider it without really knowing one another. I ranted on about how we don't know who each other really was. That we could have habits or little things about us that we wouldn't like, rationalizing it all as it's dangerous to love someone when little things like that could emerge. She spoke with that strong passionate voice again, "Well, if we love each other, we can do anything and cope with whatever comes our way." My heart responded "I fucking love you, Nikki." Her's "I love you too."  I'm shy to write this, but we joked about getting married in ireland. We joked about having kids; one girl, one boy. We joked about imagining what our lives would be like and where we would be. When we went to her bank earlier that day she told me, "This is how big our house is going to be." The thought of how she embraced my side and how perfectly fit her head was leaning on my shoulder still makes me warm. On the way home, we made plans to go to dinner the next night so I could properly introduce her to my mom. When I got home that night texted her in bed, "I can't wait to see you tomorrow."
     I woke up to her text the morning of the dinner "I love youuuuuuuuu." I told her I'd be there soon to pick her up. I told her what time I got out of work on the way to her job and she bashfully hugged my shoulder "I really hope she likes me..." I asked why even though I knew , but I just wanted to get a more detailed sense of her reasoning, "Because I want everyone in your life to approve of me, I know how much they mean to you and I really want you to be happy." I responded exactly how I did those last 5 days, "I f'n love you babe." She literally hadn't ceased to amaze me the entire week.
    At work, I worked hard, I sweat, I got everything eagerly done early to try and make it out to see her. I texted her while in this flurry of a mess:

"Me: Hey I think I may be here late bal;kerjb;arbkjarl;kj fuckinggg they packed the schedule today until like 4:20, but i'm hoping that i'm out way earlier than htat.
Her: Aww that's okay hunny :)
Me: Booo no it's not I want to hangout with youuu
Her: We have our whole life babyboy :) cheer up buttercup i'm not gone forever.
Me: Aww I fn love you babe. You make my day :)"
    I continue to work not suspecting a thing.
Break comes by:
Me: I just got on break can i call youuuu?
Break ended.
1:30 pm:
Me: Babbbeee! >:O (angry face on mistake)
Me: I hate how angry that face looks
Me: Lol
Me: :O is what I want
2:30 pm:
Me: babybabybaby
Me: Heyyy are you ready btw? I may get out between 3 and 4:30
3:00 pm:
Me: Babbbbeee!!
3:26 pm:
Me: I'm out!!!
3:45 pm:
Me: Where are you :(
4:40 pm:
Me: NIKKIIIIII
6:00 pm:
Me: gaj;boarjbalkrjb;a

I log onto facebook:

Our protagonist
"BABE! you got me so worried get back to me asap :<
also.. i thought about moving out, I have money saved over so... we'd actually could do it if we wanted to.."

Ember
"Relaly. I'm hanging with a friend of mine in nyc:) plz dnt be mad. Kinda drunk"

    Disappointment. Lies. Bullshit. Every girl that's ever shut me down. Every person that's gained my everything that threw it to fucking waste. I became angry, not at her, at what she had done.
    I thought it didn't make any sense, there has to be an explanation. She was fighting with her cousin's husband who said she didn't do anything in the house. That she was a leech not doing anything for them. She had 6 days a week of work. She had 10 hour shifts lined up this week. She had scheduled getting her license on her birthday. She told me a few days prior, "My cousin's husband is bipolar, he's blowing up at the house and is about to leave my cousin. He said either she leaves or I do." I thought maybe it had to do something with her cousin kicking her out, not having a phone, only just being able to message me on facebook through her friends phone?

Our protagonist:
"...the hell
you couldn't even tell me?
i was freggin worried about you
we really gotta talk about this later"

    Sunday comes. No word from her. I get home, my mom tells me her facebook is gone. I tell her she's crazy. I go upstairs. It's gone. hundreds of friends and pictures for years. Gone. The downward spiral was as fast as the love that I grew for her.
Searched her name. Nothing.
I texted her more. Nothing.
I call her. Her phone line was disconnected.
I show up to her work to see or ask if she's working. She quit.
I show up to her cousins house knowing he would be pissed as all hell to see a guy at his door.
Me: Are you Frank?
Frank: Yeah...
Me: You don't know me, my name is Dave Nemeth. Has nikki ever mentioned me?
Frank: What the fuck. No she didn't. Why the fuck does she have guys coming to my house?
[He stepped out the door closer to me to intimidate me.]
Me: I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you.
Frank: The fuck, she's not here.
Me: I really apologize I didn't mean to get you upset, I know the situation.
As I begun to walk back, I saw a glimpse of rational thought in his outburst of anger. He calmed down a bit as he saw I was leaving.
Frank: She fucking moved back to florida.

I'm going to remember this story for a long ass time. It's funny too, the solar eclipse happened the night we spent together, we couldn't see it. But if you're a stupid mush for retarded ass cheezy coincidences- The time that we spent finding our love together was spent only after the stars had perfectly aligned. On that night. At that moment. With her hand in mine.

I wonder if I can still smile like this.

I never thought

I'd be this close to killing myself right now. (lie.)

Black Hole

Black holes are inexplicable.


Ember hasn't answered her phone.
Ember deleted her Facebook.

She really was just a dream.

Ember

She's dumb, I believe she's in love with me. From all that I saw, she's real. Just real dumb.

Let's find out if I'm a fool forever doomed for rejection. Some people are afraid of rejection just once, I on the other hand, have been through it over 30 times.

Highhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my weed is name

Fuck everything. I'm burning out fast.

Holy Fuck Life.

You are a FUCKING DOUCHE. (life)

Let me fill you all in as i'm about to fucking toke my brains out because I can't believe how much I fucking despise mankind right now if what I think is to be true.

This.

Fucking.

Ember.

Hey guess what!?

What!

That Ember has started a wild fire.
Trees are burning
Wildlife is getting caught.
Birds are falling from the air from the smoke.
Bears are becoming singed and their lungs are turning to scar tissue.
The heat has fucking risen to above a 1000 degrees.
It's reaching homes and developments.
Where children and families are sleeping.
 Their cries can't be heard because of the roar of the fire.


I asked Ember to go out on Saturday (today) with me and my mother. I wanted to properly introduce her. I was so excited. It would be the first time I had a full day with her to just do whatever we wanted. I went to work so fucking happy that i'd be seeing her that day. I felt like shit and thought of how I'd see her. It made me happy. It took me out from the pain of work and enlightened me. Everyone saw how cheery I was. Everyone saw how happy I became talking about this girl. My boss was happy, my co-workers were happy, people saw it on my face. This sense of being complete.  I saw a mound of paper work and think nothing of it. I put it off tomorrow because I wanted to spend more time with Ember. I left early leaving people at my work without help. I left work at 3.

Our protagonist: Babbeeeeee!!! 3:00pm
Our protagonist: I'm out!!! 3:28pm
Our protagonist: EMMMBERRRRRRRRRRRRR 4:36pm
[Facebook] Our protagonist: BABE! you got me so worried get back to me asap :< 7:30pm
[Facebook] Our protagonist: also... i talked to my mom about you moving in... she's actually considering it. 7:30pm
Our protagonist: BJ:OIJGRLKGJ 7:46pm

Ember: Did ahe really. I'm hanging out with a friend of mine in nyc:) plz dnt be mad. Kinda drunk  8:00pm

*RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*
Puff.


I wonder who she knows in new york, oh right that stalker guy who bought her a car. Right. I forgot. Thankfully she's just drunk and in a place she's never been to before. To think I was worried. To think that my mom and I starved ourselves waiting for her. To think I threw out all my plans for the day to be with her. To think of how I fucking asked my mom for her to move in with us. To fucking THINK that this BITCH loves me, is something as fucking STUPID as

*RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*
PUFF.

Believing that life could be as great as she made me think.

Ember vs Our antagonist

Fuck.

I'm so in love with this girl, but I can't help but feel paranoid. I feel that it still lives within me even though I've found love again. She tells me I shouldn't be, but our antagonist makes me forget all that is good.

This Ember, she shines so bright.

Dream

I had a dream about Tuesday,
I thought of the comfort she once made me feel.
I thought of her yelling spanish at me
I thought of her dark long hair with eyes cut like diamonds
Her face looking down to the corner of my page which I drew.
I dreamed about her saying, "they can't do it as good as I can!"
I'm in love with Ember, but I guess my feelings for Tuesday haven't resolved just yet. I wonder if she's still alive and if she still has her computer.

Ember

 Tuesday, I still think of you. But just as a friend now.

This girl.
Has got me.
Tighter than a gator and it's prey.
I'm in the death swirl, and I'm in shock.

Ember.
God. Fucking. Damn.

I had lost this fucking feeling.

 I had lost it.

   It was fucking dead within me.

It was the foul stench that lingered throughout my body poisoning my mind.

It's corpse had rotted where it nearly fused to my flesh.

And than, Ember.

With an Ember, you can stay warm.
With an Ember, you can sustain life.
With an Ember, you can create something far greater than it in the form of a wild hurricane of flames.

We already tell each other we love one another.
We stare and laugh at everything we say.
I drive her to and from work.
She makes me feel so fucking warm its unbelievable.
We talk about getting married in Ireland.
We ask ourselves how can we believe that someone is so fucking.. amazing?
She fucking works me like a toy at her command when we had sex.
She tells me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.
I tell her the same.

All this in 3 days time. I thought only a fool would fall in love so quickly. But this girl, Fuck. She doesn't go by the rules of love. Even the stars said it themselves. I asked her to go out with me on the same time of the solar eclipse. We didn't get to see it here on the east coast. But god damnit, the stars were literally aligned. They were aligned for us.


I, Ladies and gentlemen, am in Love

A bullet from the chamber

Sovereign saw me to be to needy for a relationship.
She didn't have to say it.
We haven't spoken since yesterday and I'm happy.

Now as I found my self wallowing in self pity, Ember came to being.
Her smile and awkward gazes was a sight to see. I've never seen a girl so into me.
She's an endless emotion of affection. She broke down professing her love to me like I do most girls. Its strange vis versa. Especially because Ember is nothing short of gorgeous. She has the potential to grow into a relentless torrent of fire, however, she's not that fire, just an Ember.

As I left the place where we met, I thought about her and short after Vacarious came into the gym as she was leaving, "Hey call me." With a wide smile and a grin. She spoke out infront of my co-workers and my jaw nearly dropped.

Sovereign down in no time flat.

Sovereign found me attractive but doesn't like my need for belonging. I was an overwhelming mess of a human being. She's done.

Vacarious didn't even bother to answer when I asked her to hangout. We passed each other in the hallway twice and she poured out friendly flirty conversation. I guess she's just one of those girls.

2 down, who else wants to go?

From the beginning:

Ashley, britanny, grace, eva, tori, rani, mary, diana, Ashley, patricia, Meghan, neff, casey, austin, kayla, katie, taylor, taylor, vacera, cady

Now I'm sitting here in Taco bell, talking to a cute girl behind the counter, I bet I won't get her number though.

She's exceptionally sexy. She just moved up to jersey not to long ago from Florida. She was with this ex of hers who I guess convinced her to come up. She smiles and laughs a lot when we speak. She's very open, and its easy to squeeze my heart under her shoes.

Skin

Smooth
Soft
Warm
Sweaty
I forgot it.
I can't remember it.
What it feels like to have someone press on the skin of another.
Sovereign came over, she and I were in my room alone.
I saw her laid back in my comforted swivel chair
Her body emanated heat and compassion
I saw her hands and imagined the ridges of her fingers as I laid next to them
Holding onto this feeling in my chest
Where her fingers just lay an inch from my eyes,
Leading to her arm where it was bare from clothes,
Under a blanket where it held her
Naked body pressing against my limbs
Breathing deep evernescently.
I can't remember the last time I ever had a woman so close.
I miss it.

Bite your tongue

I met a girl 2 days ago.

I'll call her Sovereign. She's free of cares, worries, and chains.

I spent all day with her yesterday high.

She's awesome, but I don't think she's into me as much as I'm into her.

I met her in the mall and got her number...

She hugged me good bye last night and told me she had a lot of fun and to text me.
She dressed up real nice to hangout with me.
She was shy when she had her high moments.
I made her laugh consistently.

I have a strange feeling and belief, matter of fact, that I'm going to fuck it up.

I always do.

And I know I can't have nice things.

My life, is the epitome of
Close but no cigar.
What if.
If only.

I don't know why I still try to meet girls, I know I'll always fuck up. Gah, i'm a fucking.. paranoid lunatic.

I feel depressed right now because I believe she didn't enjoy the time with me, that I just put so much of myself out there that she just laughed to be nice.

Don't look at me, that way.

Cause I'll be hanging from a rope.

And I will haunt you like a ghost.

Ends

Well, I guess that's it.

                Au revoir pupcake.

Im finding strength

I only begun this post a short time after I woke up this morning. I saw it just now, "Draft." I feel like this post has been a draft far longer.

Emotionless.

I wondered how everything looks serious.

The period on the end of a sentence is like a stage 5 diagnosis of parkinsons.

Flat affect, lack of expression.

I felt like murdering myself when talking to a friend and I choose not to say "lol" or "haha"

After work

I love to just fn park in my driveway, and sleep. I don't want to leave because I can't. It just... feels so good.. to just stop and seclude myself.

Vicarious has entered my life.

Tuesday, I'm still thinking of you

Tuesday,

Becareful, I'm feeling ravenous today.
I'm afraid if you come
I won't be grateful
That ill find gaps of time
Between my responses.

But so you know, its because
I'm put off from the arguments
And your false delusions of betrayal
Because saying I love you to a snarling pittbull
Quickly loses its taste

About to sleep.

I wonder if she.. broke her laptop because of me.

I wonder if she really did just, get over me like that.

I mean I knew I put her through tears more times than we could count, but what I asked was just respect and patience.

She couldn't help but look for the littlest signs in trying to make me falter..



On the other hand, she'd tell me

"I'll never forget you."

I don't think she knows what life has in front of her.

She couldn't believe that I was really there for her.

I don't know anymore, but i miss her.
----

I'm daft.

Short witted.

I didn't even check to see where she pours her heart into.

That should say something about me.

 But I don't know what.

That I don't care?

I do, but I don't.

Because I love her, but I don't because.. well she puts me through hell.

Hm.

This may be redundant, and overwhelming

I'm hurting, and wish I had Tuesday
Just to bother me
Just to argue
Just to make me feel something
Old Cancer
His skin was dry and dark from the chemo
He lost his breath while dressing himself
He couldn't hold his eyes open
And he showed the look of death on his face
I spoke to him
Good morning!
And how are you today?
His eyes broke from the stone
And looked at me with an eye of curiosity.
Eh alright, what do you need?
Well I'm here to bring you to the torture chamber.
What?
The torture chamber, you know when we
Tie your limbs with rope, and crank to see how far we can
Stretch you out.
A smile grew on his face
A wild flower in concrete
He laughed as I asked him if
he needed help to get ready
His skin grew warm
And his heart filled with content
I can tell I helped him from the grave
Where his mind often stayed.
Spend moments happy. Even if its not going to last forever.

Disgusting. Raw. Filthy.

Don't read these next few lines, as I don't want you to read them.

I want to fuck a girl in the ass.
I want to make her moan in pain.
I want her to grunt furiously at the sex we have.
I want her to love every moment of it.

I can't sleep.

I think i'm fucked up.

I'm thinking about all the things in my life I missed out on. Most importantly sex. Good sex. Actually having sex with someone and having the feeling be mutual. God I feel so fucking worn out from trying to fucking meet somebody. I can't speak. I have anxiety. I can't have friends. I can only have lovers. I can only have someone I can put my soul into.

Gah fuck.

The only friends I have I feel bad for. I don't treat them the way I should. I'm not paying attention to them. I'm not doing enough for them. I feel like i'm barely there for them.

Because I can't do anything but stay locked in my mind.

Worried I'll never find love again.

God fucking damnit.

I'm so fucking sick.

I'm so fucking sick of living in pain.

I'm so fucking sick of being sober.

Everytime I smoke with friends, I don't stop. I only stop because we run out. I only stop because I don't want to embarass myself. I don't want them to see my lack of interest in being coherent.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Do.

I.

Do.

I feel like it's getting real hard to carry on.

It's late. I've got work in the morning.

I can't help but pleasure myself while I find a moment in time.

I think I have a problem with... masturbation.


I don't like to talk about it, because I feel judged.
I don't like to talk about it, because it puts the thoughts of all the things wrong with it.
I don't like to talk about it, because it brings up things I've never got to experience. (I've had sex.)
I don't like to talk about it, because it makes me think of the people who have it, who don't deserve it.
I don't like to talk about it, because I'm weak.
I don't like to talk about it, because it puts expectations on things.

Fuck everything.

I feel like taking a hit, but I'm trying to stay on the straight and narrow.



Did I mention I almost got arrested last night?
Hm, that would have proven impossible to fix my life after that point.

Thank you officer, but I have to say, you were still a f'n cunt.

Birthday party

My little cousins, he's 2.

There's tons of people here.
They don't look familiar and they make me worried.

Am I paranoid?
Do I have a problem?

I see everyone as a potential chance to fuck up,
To make someone else think less of me,
To make my life worse.

I can't help but think of the worst-
Pessismist.
That's what they call me.
Id rather stay right where I am than stick a hand out.

I imagine the feeling like sleeping with your limb off your bed,
Knowing its out
In the open
Hanging,
Ready to be finally separated from the rest of my body
Completely.

God, this would be a time where i'd scratch the walls of insanity right when I had Tuesday to rely on. But now I don't.

I think I'm going to leave, there's tons of people here, and 3 have noticed my tendency to avoid people.

One spoke and said "dinning alone tonight?"

I smiled and spoke quite honorably in an upbeat pace,

"Yeah I guess so!"
I laughed pretending like I didn't notice.

Sometimes acting well is a horrible thing.

May 11th.

I woke up this morning feeling a sharp pain radiating throughout my mid back. I took a deep breath as it intensified. I rolled over to take the pressure from my chest. I realized the rush of energy I got from the munchies the night before.

I tossed and turned imagining where I am now. What my life is. I thought of graduation, I thought of my father, I thought of what little friends I have, I thought of tuesday. I put it all aside and said, "it's too early for that."

I wiped my eyes looking over my arms acrossed one another into the wall. The blankets lay like hills from plowed fields on a farm. I felt happy. I felt content. But now, it's somewhat normal again.

So, I've lost Tuesday.
I still want to be there for her in her life.

I found that as retarded as taoism is, I think I've been living it's ways most of my life.  Not ever trying to never fail. And I guess that's alright. I'll try things when I know I can do them. But for now, maybe it's best I don't set goals for myself. That I look at what I have rather than what I don't.

Take care Tuesday,
I'm here for you.

Higher than a kilt

Fuck! *<@|:3-K

Mirror

I.
Wake in the morning
Without checking to care
I know how I feel
And how it should look
So I never dare.

To see the eyes of mutant
Without a heart
Who stands undead
Without a soul
or warmth
I stare.

I find I'm still human
And that I still breathe
That I'm worth talking to
But I know id be brief
Because
I don't want to lose this moment
Where I see me
Without the sadness
Or that gasping despair
Within the endless depths of my eyes
That tells me I don't care.

Words from a Dead man

Are short,
Un-thought-out,
Because he spends most of his time
Lost in his mind
Thinking of the moments where
He could not speak
When he tried to make others
Laugh and be happy, to be
Ignored, with respectful stares
Shadowed by
A lack of gratification

Stupid.

I'm lost on the internet

I can't find where my home is

I just want to find it and sit there and stay warm

Stay comfortable.

It's been a battle trying to stay happy the past two days.


I can't take it..


I don't know what to do right now.

I'm just... lost, holding a wound, while floating, bleeding in space.

I feel like I've found immortality only just to wish I would die.

Cheating Life One Pill at A Time.

I don't want to die

I try and cut the ties
from a life
I used to live
Where I forgot the
beauty of the world
and had a fuck to give

And I hide inside
my mind where it lacks
translation
so when you ask
I can't tell you
there's just no explanation

cause we all know that face
that says were fine
even when we look down
at the end of the line.

Cause there some of us
who can't find help
a face but shadowed
by 6 feet under below

that was hallowed
be thy name thy kingdom come
but whats to be done
when I don't believe in you and your son?

I am a man who suffers from depression
lexparo, citlapram, I guess it's an obsession.

to take these pills
when friends say I'm fine.
but never taking the time
to see when I'm alone
broken beaten and battered
speaking to the walls that I wish were shattered.
leaving me cold in the open,
so my mind may pour out
like a fountain of emotion
just to shout

and I aid this problem
with alcohol and regrets
drugs that shouldn't
have given me debt.

but don't worry there's a
nice ending to this story
Not bloody or gory.
but let me tell you

I just haven't found it yet,

and that hope

never dies as long as I try saying these first and last words:

I don't want to die.

Practice

http://i.imgur.com/kyDYk.jpg

Refine, Define, Better

Tuesday told me, to write words with meaning
That the words we use don't define feeling.

Morning seeping
Birds chirping in a freshly made nest,
Hearts beating
A girl who hides her face in a man's chest.
Lovers breathing
Under the covers of those undressed.

Practice makes perfect.

Bleep Bleep

Still alive.
     Thrive.
        Johnny Five.
                 Thrive.