Disgusting. Raw. Filthy.

Don't read these next few lines, as I don't want you to read them.

I want to fuck a girl in the ass.
I want to make her moan in pain.
I want her to grunt furiously at the sex we have.
I want her to love every moment of it.

I can't sleep.

I think i'm fucked up.

I'm thinking about all the things in my life I missed out on. Most importantly sex. Good sex. Actually having sex with someone and having the feeling be mutual. God I feel so fucking worn out from trying to fucking meet somebody. I can't speak. I have anxiety. I can't have friends. I can only have lovers. I can only have someone I can put my soul into.

Gah fuck.

The only friends I have I feel bad for. I don't treat them the way I should. I'm not paying attention to them. I'm not doing enough for them. I feel like i'm barely there for them.

Because I can't do anything but stay locked in my mind.

Worried I'll never find love again.

God fucking damnit.

I'm so fucking sick.

I'm so fucking sick of living in pain.

I'm so fucking sick of being sober.

Everytime I smoke with friends, I don't stop. I only stop because we run out. I only stop because I don't want to embarass myself. I don't want them to see my lack of interest in being coherent.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Do.

I.

Do.

I feel like it's getting real hard to carry on.