Its been sometime since I've actually seen or heard Ember. Her bright eyes, her high pitched giggle. I want to say I miss it, but the emotionless crater in me leaves some sort of an empty affection. I wish she was here sure, but.. something in me is settling for the moment I have now. Maybe its because im scared. That im scared she might not be what I wanted? Or, its coming closer to me now, maybe its because im getting tired of her not being there for me. She, for some undetiled reson, couldnt text me while her roomte ws round. The last thing she said to me was mentioning something about her putting a gun to her head and her needing to let me know that she would have done alot just to show me how much she adored me. To most people, that's a red flag to get the fuck away. To me, its something that I don't see as a problem, rather as a beginning to a new question. Why? What makes you that way? No matter what her answer, im sure I would say something like, "Hm, okay." I think if she came up there's a big possibility it would be our last relationship. But I can't believe that just yet. Not the way I know her now. I can hardly remember the moments we spent together in my mind right now. God. I feel like she wont be coming up by next weeks time. If not then,when? Who knows, maybe shell just find another way to stall. She wears a ring on her left hand for me. I find that she's nothing short of normal. Its things like that, that puts my heart in a tryst. Im happier with her than Tuesday, but it wasn't her fault she couldn't make me happy. It was just struggles within herself.
I came across a picture of her I had missed to delete some while back. She requested I remove all of the pictures from my computer then... and im somewhat glad.. I missed this one.. God.. if only we could have had each other. I felt a real connection that was thick and strong like the support beam of a house made from steel. But her paranoia and lack of trust rotted my patience away. If only she wasn't so vicious when it came to getting close. We could have had it all. I wonder if shell message me on her birthday like she promised. But something in me thinks shell have new friends, new things, and new people to put me in the back of her mind. She better be fucking doing better emotionally or id have to kick her ass. I constantly compare the conversations we had and the ones I have with ember through texting. The ones with Tuesday had such depth, but towards the end of us, she begun to lose consistency of that depth and became irratic. The only way she could speak to me seemed in a way of spite under a hidden veil. Like she pretended not to be hurt but continued to try to talk normal. We had different views anyway. She wanted to live in her own place, while I wanted her to be with me. I wish ember had her spunk and indepence.
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