This morning

Was cold and complacent. I was batshit crazy for sure. I believe it was because my mind just.. didn't stop thinking. I found that it made me feel less crazy when I was occupying myself with the television or practicing my scales on guitar. I was just.. so.. stuck. I'm starting to get a bit worried if I'll get stuck in one of those modes and won't be able to get out one day.

I was talking to Jobro and tuesday during the morning, Jobro was mentioning something that my mind didn't feel like spending energy to remember. I wanted to hang out, i felt it come from inside. I didn't know what i'd say or how i'd act when i was around them. Feeling the craziness like i did. I left 15 minutes after i told them I did. I have a really shit habit of doing that.

I walked like a zombie. Trapped in my own mind. I couldn't stop contemplating, well, everything. It's like hearing the sound of a tv without signal in full blast. I'd find my eyes focusing on random objects, the mental distance growing. It felt like the objects were just.. getting more emphasized. The colors would become just more vibrant, the outline of the object was held in such a great depth. My realization of the things and their relation to the space around them engulfed my un-spoken thoughts. It got to a point so bad while i was driving, i had to take off my glasses. I'm very fucking blind. I couldn't read a chalk board unless my face was 2 feet in front of it. I didn't feel fear, i'm having a hard time feeling it sometimes. It reminded me of how when i'm at work, i'd just close my eyes while walking. When i first did so many months ago, i felt that fear. But now when i do it, i feel nothing. I'd test myself to see how far i could go before opening them again. One day i know i'm going to run into somebody and i'm going to have to come up with some bullshit excuse to what was happening. I'd probably tell them "oh sorry i'm just really tired." but i'd really want to say "I'm sorry, i'm trying to find emotion and fear, a reason to live, a reason to take action instead of contemplating what reasons i should have for doing the things i do." Before i started driving though, i gunned it right out of my driveway. I needed to leave bad. I needed to do something with such a great desire.

As i pulled in the shitty driveway of Jobro's house, my car jumped like it usually did. Across these two large pot holes in the gravel. Still lost in thought I parked. I sat there. Looking at their window that faced the driveway. The only car in the yard was Jobro's 96 mustang. I let off on the horn. Holding it down. The angry horn, so disturbing and panic striking. It was like thunder to your nervous system. It even made you angry. I never hit the horn when i come over. I just.. felt like i needed them to come out as soon as possible.

I kicked out the door, and sprawled out of my car. I went over to the well aged and rather dysotopic basketball hoop at the corner of the yard. I grabbed the deflated ball by the garbage cans just a few feet from the base of the hoop. I started to make shots waiting. J's Girlfriend came out. My face was stoic.

Jgf: Jobro's getting changed.

Our Protagonist: That's new.

Jgf: Yeah right?

Our Protagonist: Yep.

I kept shooting, usually i'm a lot more talkative. She couldn't sense my feeling of lostness. I looked at her dead in the eye. I waited for her every response. I stood there, my body and face was screaming, "GIVE ME SOMETHING." I'm not too sure what that means. I was just. Prepared. We kept talking, and I was completely un-phased by anything she could have told me. I was a well greased and fully optimized being of work. It was like, my mind was starving. Starving for, a challenge. Starving for use. It wanted to break the code to the pentagon, it wanted, to fucking DO something to take away my soul's realization it lived in hell. It was fucking craving action, experience, emotion, struggle. It wanted to experience.

The thought was much alike how i get when i'm angry. I remember when I used to get angry with x and I went skimboarding. The whole world was shut out. I just closed out everything in the world except: the sand beneath my toes, the water that crashed and roared, and the chunk of well made fiber glass in my grip. Everything was serine. My focus was at perfect height.

Jobro finally came out after a few minutes of conversation with his girlfriend. We went off and started the day. He cracked a joke, about something, I don't know what, and my mind started to quell. I tried not to think. I began thinking of Jobro and his gf and how i could make them laugh and how we'd spend the day.