Speaking Of Insanity.

I thought of how i feel like shit. I thought of how i couldn't fathom why. I wanted to break out in laughter. I just told Tuesday this.

Seriously. WHAT IS IT. that rots my brain? that holds the steel pitchfork behind me while i run on a trendmill. Why can't i shut it down? why can't i just stop running. Why do I have to continue on trying to rationalize.

I think i'm crazy. Because. I don't know what i want from life. I don't what i want to do with it. I don't know WHAT the fuck i'm DOING. DO I WANT A GIRLFRIEND? DO I WANT FRIENDS? DO I WANT A HOBBY? I want to be happy.

My brain has to be fucked up.

You're a paranoid fuck you know that?
Yeah.
You're also depressed.
Yeah.
So what's the problem man?
Well i don't want to be those things.
Than whats stopping you?
I don't know how to be.
Hm, well that's rough.
Yeah it really is.
Why can't you pursue the things you want?
Because of the stress.
Why is it too much?
Yeah.
Well why is it too much, havent you done things like this before?
Yeah, but idk it's different now.
Well why is it different?
Then, i could have done anything because i had the support of my friends.. they made me feel like i was able.
that's pretty interesting.
Yeah i guess it is.
So why arent you able now?
I don't know.
You have friends, a loving family, the ability to be smooth as mother fucker talking, you're very considerate, you're handsome, you're slightly athletic, you're in college pursuing a great career, and you're going to be doing what you love, helping people.
It's not enough.
Than what are you really searching for?
Maybe Love?
Than why don't you pursue love?
Because.
Because what? are you still in love with Liz?
Hah, my heart just fluttered hearing her name. Seeing it written like that. It makes me think of all the happy times we had together.
So are you?
No, and yes. I don't want to be back together with her.
Why not?
Because, I'm not attracted to her now and that I've wronged her by looking at other girls.
You know it's possible to go back in a relationship with someone.
But i feel shame.
Shame from what?
Shame that i treated her in such a way, and that if i were to be in the relationship, i'd have to carry that with me. It says that I can leave at any moment, which i feel is possible.
So do you want to find love with someone else?
No. i don't think so.
Do you want someone else?
You know, my mind, it doesn't think that it does. But my body. It's affine for the opposite sex. It wants to talk and swoon the beautiful girls i meet. It makes me think that i want one so bad.
Well what does the mind want from girls?
To be accepted, and to have someone understand me. You know i've never really comprehended how important that was, having someone understand you. I remember when i was with Liz, I said all she is, is someone who accepts me, and i can find that anywhere. It's been a long 7 or 8 months now. Not a single human being i've met truly accepts me.
Why do you say that? you've made friends with Endgame, edit, edit, and edit and edit
Yeah.. but that's only what they've seen of me you know?
I guess so. But what they seen of you is you isnt it?
Yeah. But i feel like i'm different when i'm not around people.
Are you?
I think so.
Well what makes you different?
the fact that i'm desperate for a girl. and that..
Your desperate for a girl?
Yeah I think I am.
But you don't want love?
No I don't think so. I think it's because of what love is affiliated to.
And what's love affiliated to?
Arguements, changing, nervousness, stress, anxiety, fears, wishes, dreams. It's broken my heart several times since X. And now i feel like a frail old man, a dried leaf in the wind. Barely gripping on to the street beneath it.
I think were done.
yeah.