Letting Go.

I find myself believing that i don't let myself go.
I find myself being around friends living in my mind.
I find myself contemplating the next few moments of my life that always end up to be drastically far from the goals i've set.

I set an impossible goal for myself you know. I wanted to be a college kid. I wanted to get drunk with friends. Lots of people. I wanted to meet new girls and have them tell me i'm gorgeous. I wanted to make love to a girl i've just met, but only because she was as shy and insecure as i was. Because we didn't match as well to anyone else other than us in the room. I wanted to become bestfriends with my roomate. I wanted to stay out in our lounge on our floor. Say hey whats up man when they come in looking just as bored as I am. We'd all hang out in the dorm or with the window open shouting things to people passing by. We'd pull pranks on the people coming into the building. We'd go out to clubs and drink. We'd go crazy going at peoples house parties. We'd wear toga's and have our own inside jokes. we'd make a secret language only we knew. We'd learn something new from each other. I'd teach them the way to life, the way of morality. The good in being and doing good. How to help others who are down because of bullshit. I wanted that. I wanted all of that.

I want people I can rely on. People who know me for me, know my goals and help me achieve them.

I want to be accepted. I want a girl to love me as much as i love them.

Oh god i'm so fucking broken. I say i want this and that, but you know what? I can't have that shit, and it's all i can think about. I don't know what i want from life. And it kills me.

I wake up every fucking day, sad. Sad as a motherfucker. WHY? IS IT BECAUSE OF X? IS IT BECAUSE I CHOSE TO DO THE RIGHT THING? IS IT BECAUSE I HAVE NO SENSE OF WORTH? IS IT BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A VIDEOGAME TO KEEP MYSELF OCCUPIED? BECAUSE I'VE WATCHED EVERY FUCKING PROGRAM ON TELEVISION? BECAUSE I'VE GROWN SICK OF STRANGERS AND ANXIETY?

Fuck The Fucking World.

You know what I really want? More Fucking Tuesday.