So when I laid to rest last night, I was okay. But I had that huge wave of depression come back out of no where. It greeted me this morning. I was out of it. My eyes didn't want to open. I felt like never getting up. I felt like giving up. Giving up on life. Meeting people, doing what makes me happy. It was funny, I couldn't even think what makes me happy. I thought of all the people I wanted to talk to and how i wanted them to love me. I had a horrible feeling in my gut saying they never would. I turned in the bed feeling my sore muscles from yesterday. the ache and depression were a perfect match. I sat there, writhing. It was the worst I've ever felt the depression. I think my mind is getting loose. The nuts and bolts are becoming strewn.
Laying there, with my eyes open, I felt a thousand different emotions of sadness. Despair, agony, defeat, loss, mourning, falling, failing. I've lived a nightmare. It wasn't of what many people describe. Seeing or experiencing events that scare them. Imagining things that hurt them, or make them sad. It was just pure emotion. Unconnected to thought and the outside world.
When I inexplicably decided to stand up despite the emotion, the depression went away. I was confused. Scared. Still recovering from what I was going through. I stood there, standing. Looking into the wall of my room which I did not perceive. I look at the bed and thought of the mental hell laying down. I looked at myself, standing, feeling fine.
I was lost.
All I could
think of
was a glass
of water.
Turmoil.
ReplyDelete