Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Delerium

Has been achieved. I can't describe the feeling wright now. But you know i'm going to try to. If i didn't why would i be writing. I'll just think off the top of my head right now. I'm not doing what i want. saying what i want. i'm not being sated and it's killing me. my head is a fucking mush of everyting. it's just thinking non fucking stop. i can't put a finger on what the rfuck it is  at all. i was thinking about how i'm going to see the psychotic in two weeks time but i thought of how i didn't need him anymore because i've pretty much got a lot under control. except for last night and right the fuck now. i can't stop thinking i can't stop thinking i can't stop thinking i can't stop thinking. i need to go to school to register for classes. i need to find my fucking phone so i can talk to jobro i need to get the fuck out of my head, i need to do drugs to stay out of my mind i need to find a fucking way to stop sounding like a fucking lunatic. i need to find a way not to care what i say or how to say what i want to .i need to rationalize i need to just fucking feel i need to be smart i need to do this that and everything else ithat i can possibly do to make me normal once again. i really have no fucking clue why i feel the way i do. you know if i were to askmyself when did all this first start  getting funky, i wouldn't be able to tell you. but i can tell you that my add first started up from smoking weed for the second time in xbestfreidns apartment. i can't stay oin conversation i can't stay in thought i can't stay in mind, i just want to fucking be stable. normal. i fucking HATE this FUCKING feeling oF INSTAFUCKINBILITY what am I? some kind of nuclear radioactive element that's far beyond the periodic table? constantly losing electrons? i need some mother fuckign coffee it helps me get focused. although the energy i have to type right now is totally fucking feeling it's unstoppable. But. I. will. Stop. It. like how, i can stop, and stand, at any moment.

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