1:00 AM

Fucking huge wave of depression out of no where. I'm starting to think it's something physiological.

I don't know what to right about.

The trickiest thing about writing to me is that you have to group and place each topic and idea into paragraphs for clarity. It loosens the thickness of a liquid to read purely organized thoughts.

I laid in bed the last hour and found that nothing could keep my mind from being quelled. I rummaged through the bottom shelf of my dresser because my bed lay next to it now. I saw a pack of razors and laughed. I pulled a wooden elephant that X got from a christmas secret santa. I found the old original world of warcraft cd sleeves and thought of GreenLatern and I having a good time. I opened an empty watch container my mum picked up from our neighbors garage sale. I used to keep the one present my father gave to me in it, a silver seiko watch. Inside it were canadian coins from a ski trip me and X went on as well as some bracelets made in the philippines my now schizophrenic aunt gave me.

I wrestled with the blanket, pillows, and mattress to muzzle my thoughts. The light of the tv glistened with the low volume of Scott Pilgrim. I love the movie, but I found it to make me depressed. That I don't have a Romona. The social interaction between all the characters makes me feel like a failure. it's a movie i know, but, i guess i take it to heart. I feel I should be like them, but i'm not. That makes me think that my subconscious mind is dull. It isn't as sharp as it used to be.

I just looked at my Facebook. God Damn I am a hypersensitive pussy. X's best friend "liked" my link. It was of Tuesday's song which I keep playing over and over. I'm not sure if X's best friend is still her best friend, but hey they're still whatever. I instantly thought of messaging her saying "hey what's up?" but. well, you know me.

I'll call her Paige. Paige found me attractive back then. When I was still with X. She was one of those people who didn't seem to put much worth in others. Not in the sense that she was a bitch, but in the sense that she just.. spoke from her inner-self without consideration. She called me the best boyfriend ever once if i recall right. She's very attractive in my mind. She's very smart and I love a smart girl. She'd never get with me, well because she's X's semi-bestfriend. I'm trying to put a finger down trying to figure out who she is. How she works. God damn i'm so analytical. She invites everyone without a care if they decline to her parties. She's easily persuaded by attraction. I don't think she knows what she wants in life. I know she's very determined in her studies.

Update: I realize now that Paige is just flesh and bone, a zombie walking the earth. Her words and actions mean nothing.

I feel like tearing a wall down. Burning something. grabbing the banister of a flight of stairs and tossing it to the ground.

My emotions seemed to have shifted since i started writing with subtle discrepancies. I feel like I may write forever.

It's funny, before the huge wave of depression. I had a talk with my friend i'll call Ireland. She's one of the trio of my nursing group. We talked about relationships, and well, she made me feel great. She gave me insight to the world of relationships from a different point of view. I felt really grateful after we spoke. We ran 3 miles at a park together. Ireland is in a relationship. So i won't be after her.

Ireland's relationship life: When she was 15 she met Boyfriend1, he stalked her wrote her a note about saying how he felt. They went out for 3 years. She broke up with him when they went to college. She met Boyfriend2, not yet in a relationship in college. She had a fling or thing with him but it was short lived. She transferred back to new jersey and went back into the relationship. They dated for another 3 years. She broke up with him because Boyfriend 2 came in to her work a couple of times telling her how he felt about her. She never let go of him when she transferred out of college. She broke up with Boyfriend1 again, and went after Boyfriend 2. Boyfriend2 chickened out, and she went back to Boyfriend1. Boyfriend 2 repeated the process visiting her at work saying he messed up. She broke up with Boyfriend1 for good now, she told me. And now she's been dating Boyfriend2 for 2 months. She says it's all good.

I opened up relationship talk by saying:
"Ireland, how the fuck do relationships work."

We talked about several aspects, it ended on one i really wanted to discuss further, but the park ranger told us they were closing the gates. I told her my expectations of a relationship. It's funny because i haven't really thought about it all. I really should have. I told her what i wanted was basically what i wanted with X. I expected to see her everyday. And never spend a moment where i hated being with her. She seemed somewhat shocked, because when i asked her how much time she spent with her boyfriends, she said every other day with boyfriend1 and boyfriend2 she only sees on the weekends because he lives in the city.

I'd keep writing, but duty calls.

duty breaks.

When I left the park, I had such a strong feeling of completion. I imagine it was the high from running. I felt fulfilled. I felt like everything was going to be okay again for the first time in a long time. IT felt great. But needless to say, when i got home i was in that dumb shit of a feeling yet again. I questioned if it was the food I engorged myself with when i arrived at my cousin's house. I ate a chicken salad wrap i made for lunch and drank 2 glasses of milk. around 500 cal. we then went to mcdonalds because he was hungry. cheeseburger minus the disgusting pickle, and a medium chocolate milkshake. 1000 cal. all in all 1,500 cal. Good. I need to gain some weight.

I've lost my train of focus. Tuesday, you suck :]. I'll write another night.