I laughed.

I saw that Google had a moon on it's logo tonight. It said there was a lunar-eclipse. I thought "hey really?" is that why the moon is so big and orange tonight? I thought of sitting on my roof like how I used too many nights ago. It was so calming during the summer. I looked over at the windowsill and saw my air conditioner jutting out. I couldn't go out my window. I thought of going into my cousin's room contemplating if i could go out that way. In the mean time, I began playing this song the background. I thought of how dangerous it was, going out through my cousin's window. Nevertheless, I figured i'd give it a shot. With the lights off, I walked down my hall way.  I hate the dark. I thought of turning them on, but I didn't want to turn them on: i don't deserve it. I figured why bother. As I pried the door to my cousin's room, the soft notes of the cello made me want to cry. I stood there looking in from the door way. The room was so dark you could only see the moonlight shining through the window. I felt a strong agony being in the dark. I thought of how it burdens me, striking fear and pain. I incidentally looked deeply at the window. It was bright outside and the only escape from this "fear and pain". I thought of what that meant to me. I thought, this song, it's just telling me, to end it now. To end it all. To open the window, and take that extra step. I thought of how sad it would be, how people would miss me. The funeral would be filled with all the people that loved me. Crying, with some faces stoic, some wrinkled. I imagined them all looking down, focusing on the casket my body laid in. I then drew closer to the window, the cello singing so softly "Go." With a slight sadness in my gut, I laughed. I opened the window and kept my feet right where they were, safe and grounded. The moon was full. I figured, "I missed the eclipse."

I don't think I'd ever kill myself. But I'm starting to feel, it's more than just "me" in "here."