Hey guess what? No, depression. It was a battle today though I'd have to say. I felt like I was walking on the back edge of a knife. borderline. I felt like today was worth it because of something strange and new happening. There was a kid who was volunteering. His mom, the charge nurse, made him do so for college. I'm not too sure how that adds up, but i never really looked into college preparation. Anyway, the kid didn't know anything about anything. He was 16.. He was small built stood about 5'6" and of course Filipino.
I've always wanted to teach people something. I've daydreamed about it often and apparently it showed. A patient was watching me show him how to do things and saw that i made him laugh, I think. The way I found out was strange. She called me over and asked me if i was married. I said no and I told her I was surprised, everyone thinks i'm in highschool. She completely disagreed with the fact that anyone could believe that. When i asked her why she thought that, she said I looked like I would make a good father. I'll remember that for a long time.
The kid was a 16 yr old nerd from what I saw. However, he did mention he played soccer.. Than again, he did tell me he goes to a private school. I saw the nerves in him. He was anxious and a little afraid because it was one of his first days volunteering. I love helping people, especially when they have the same problems I do. Fuck nerves. I try my hardest to bring them up to the courage I have. It may not be impeccable, but it's everything I have. Everything he responded in was an I don't know, an I guess, a very RESISTANCE-less response. He was liquid. Take form kid, take form.
Toward the end of the day I was just cleaning up and I was going to try continuing a conversation with him, but apparently I think I'm shit for conversation. I cleaned up the gym as I saw him sitting at a table bored. As soon as I was finished i told myself, I'd try to make his day a little easier. After I replaced the last weight, he left the gym. I didn't see him much after that, but he was still going to be there for a couple hours. I found him helping his mom do something with charts behind the nursing station. It seemed like tedious bullshit work, and personally i'd rather push people around. A moment arose where I could've used some assistance so i went over to the nurses station to ask if he wanted to help. I shouted his name three times, fucking un-focus a little bit kid, get some situational awareness. A nurse in between him and I looked at me smiling, I asked if she could get him for me, my anxiety was rising from my failure to speak loud enough. When she asked him, him, his mother, the nurse i asked, and another nurse, all looked at me in expectation. FUCK people for giving me anxiety.
Our Protagonist: "Hey Kid, want to help me out? [Mind: oh Protagonist, you're sounding to calm and normal let's speed up your voice and make sure it's hard to understand.] Or are you doing something?"
Kid: "What?"
Our Protagonist: "[Bullet speed] -Want to help- [Realization my words are indistinguishable] Are you doing, [pause] something right now?"
Kid: "Yeah, I'm doing something." He spoke in a fucking tone of "can't you see I'm doing something?"
Little cunt. To make me look more like an ass, his mother reiterated his answer for the lack of her own personal understanding that he spoke the same words. My mind is getting rather fucking irritated and stressed to the point where i can't rationalize. I want to write about how I feel right now. I feel fucking pissed, but my brain can't take the anger. I want to get back at the kid for making me feel like that. I want to rationalize why I'm not a fucking idiot. I want to rationalize that I'm not lesser to a 16 old kid who hasn't even gotten laid yet. I need to fucking calm down, but if i do, i lose my train of thought.
I'm making a fucking realization that I can't keep a train of thought. As soon as I feel an overwhelming feeling my mind shuts down all logic. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME. I'm going to go sleep, and hope for a happier day. -Notice the lack of train of thought. I thought today was a horrible day after writing that, but in the beginning of this post, I wrote it was a happy day. My mind is rotten. Skin scolded with boiling water. The flat white straw pulp under a tree's bark from the blunt force of a sledgehammer. Something tells me, this ADD has progressed,
into,
a,
fucking,
shit,
storm,
of,
a,
mental,
disease.
No comments:
Post a Comment