I was tired. I was on my way back from my cousin's house after engorging myself with homemade cookies. I got hit with that mid-summer-day haze. With my eyes drooping and my stomach full, I mustered myself to make the turns I had to, to get home. Out of the development, make a right to go back roads, make a left to take the straight shot home. Left. I got sick of the AC, and distorted the cabin pressure. The windows now open, I felt the random pulses of air bending the hairs on my skin. I looked at the golden sun shine on the freckles of my arm. Stop sign. Left, toward Ithaca. I thought of how I'm adapting my life, how I'm going to just jam experiences into my life, it's the only antidote to crazy. The road was long, and time slipped through my fingers like the wind in my hand out the window. I grasped the side of my jade sport car, and pulled up to harmony road. It turned yellow as I pulled up. Slow down Dave. Red, Stop. The sun stood just over the bridge that hung over a high-way. The light. It was just so warm. I looked at the adjacent light to see when it would change. The lane to turn left on my right hand side was full. They get so close to your car at this one light. You could almost touch them if you reached out far enough. I thought of the anxiety, of them looking at me, so I told myself no. I wanted to grow my confidence by keeping eye contact.
One car passed. Black suv. Old man.
Two cars passed. Gold sedan, Soccer mom.
Third car slowly pulls up.
It's a young female. I can tell by the structure of her face. She drew closer, time began slowing down. My adrenaline usually fired up. But it didn't. I felt nothing. The blurry outline of her face became more detailed like a small avatar on Facebook. I still felt.. nothing? She became more and more beautiful the closer she got. My heart didn't feel a single excess beat. It was right on time. It was odd, my body didn't react. What was going on in my head? I started to grow a stronger interest and infatuation with every inch she got close. These milliseconds were hours in my mind. Her eyes grabbed mine. We locked, fixated. Her angle became sharp, she was close. Only a few feet now. Her hair brown, her eye's were sharp. Her car was.. white. A Nissan. Sentra.
It was X.
She looked right at me. I was fixed. She reflexed this stupid smile. This stupid smile that i knew far too well. In the moments of her passing me and me leaving out of sight, i know i burned in her mind. As she did mine. We were the bright light you stared at in a dark room, leaving behind a purple radiating light when you closed your eyes. Every where you looked, you saw the branding. Fucking X. I still feel like were together. I don't expect her to come home. I don't want that. I feel like, she still loves me, like i still love her. You can cut a single connection between two people in love, and have it- love, still, strongly, beating. Love beyond physical existence? Is it possible? Despite a 3/4ths of a years time, were still connected?
I may love her, but I don't want to be with her. Does that make sense? I'm sure somewhere it does.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
This morning
Was cold and complacent. I was batshit crazy for sure. I believe it was because my mind just.. didn't stop thinking. I found that it made me feel less crazy when I was occupying myself with the television or practicing my scales on guitar. I was just.. so.. stuck. I'm starting to get a bit worried if I'll get stuck in one of those modes and won't be able to get out one day.
I was talking to Jobro and tuesday during the morning, Jobro was mentioning something that my mind didn't feel like spending energy to remember. I wanted to hang out, i felt it come from inside. I didn't know what i'd say or how i'd act when i was around them. Feeling the craziness like i did. I left 15 minutes after i told them I did. I have a really shit habit of doing that.
I walked like a zombie. Trapped in my own mind. I couldn't stop contemplating, well, everything. It's like hearing the sound of a tv without signal in full blast. I'd find my eyes focusing on random objects, the mental distance growing. It felt like the objects were just.. getting more emphasized. The colors would become just more vibrant, the outline of the object was held in such a great depth. My realization of the things and their relation to the space around them engulfed my un-spoken thoughts. It got to a point so bad while i was driving, i had to take off my glasses. I'm very fucking blind. I couldn't read a chalk board unless my face was 2 feet in front of it. I didn't feel fear, i'm having a hard time feeling it sometimes. It reminded me of how when i'm at work, i'd just close my eyes while walking. When i first did so many months ago, i felt that fear. But now when i do it, i feel nothing. I'd test myself to see how far i could go before opening them again. One day i know i'm going to run into somebody and i'm going to have to come up with some bullshit excuse to what was happening. I'd probably tell them "oh sorry i'm just really tired." but i'd really want to say "I'm sorry, i'm trying to find emotion and fear, a reason to live, a reason to take action instead of contemplating what reasons i should have for doing the things i do." Before i started driving though, i gunned it right out of my driveway. I needed to leave bad. I needed to do something with such a great desire.
As i pulled in the shitty driveway of Jobro's house, my car jumped like it usually did. Across these two large pot holes in the gravel. Still lost in thought I parked. I sat there. Looking at their window that faced the driveway. The only car in the yard was Jobro's 96 mustang. I let off on the horn. Holding it down. The angry horn, so disturbing and panic striking. It was like thunder to your nervous system. It even made you angry. I never hit the horn when i come over. I just.. felt like i needed them to come out as soon as possible.
I kicked out the door, and sprawled out of my car. I went over to the well aged and rather dysotopic basketball hoop at the corner of the yard. I grabbed the deflated ball by the garbage cans just a few feet from the base of the hoop. I started to make shots waiting. J's Girlfriend came out. My face was stoic.
Jgf: Jobro's getting changed.
Our Protagonist: That's new.
Jgf: Yeah right?
Our Protagonist: Yep.
I kept shooting, usually i'm a lot more talkative. She couldn't sense my feeling of lostness. I looked at her dead in the eye. I waited for her every response. I stood there, my body and face was screaming, "GIVE ME SOMETHING." I'm not too sure what that means. I was just. Prepared. We kept talking, and I was completely un-phased by anything she could have told me. I was a well greased and fully optimized being of work. It was like, my mind was starving. Starving for, a challenge. Starving for use. It wanted to break the code to the pentagon, it wanted, to fucking DO something to take away my soul's realization it lived in hell. It was fucking craving action, experience, emotion, struggle. It wanted to experience.
The thought was much alike how i get when i'm angry. I remember when I used to get angry with x and I went skimboarding. The whole world was shut out. I just closed out everything in the world except: the sand beneath my toes, the water that crashed and roared, and the chunk of well made fiber glass in my grip. Everything was serine. My focus was at perfect height.
Jobro finally came out after a few minutes of conversation with his girlfriend. We went off and started the day. He cracked a joke, about something, I don't know what, and my mind started to quell. I tried not to think. I began thinking of Jobro and his gf and how i could make them laugh and how we'd spend the day.
I was talking to Jobro and tuesday during the morning, Jobro was mentioning something that my mind didn't feel like spending energy to remember. I wanted to hang out, i felt it come from inside. I didn't know what i'd say or how i'd act when i was around them. Feeling the craziness like i did. I left 15 minutes after i told them I did. I have a really shit habit of doing that.
I walked like a zombie. Trapped in my own mind. I couldn't stop contemplating, well, everything. It's like hearing the sound of a tv without signal in full blast. I'd find my eyes focusing on random objects, the mental distance growing. It felt like the objects were just.. getting more emphasized. The colors would become just more vibrant, the outline of the object was held in such a great depth. My realization of the things and their relation to the space around them engulfed my un-spoken thoughts. It got to a point so bad while i was driving, i had to take off my glasses. I'm very fucking blind. I couldn't read a chalk board unless my face was 2 feet in front of it. I didn't feel fear, i'm having a hard time feeling it sometimes. It reminded me of how when i'm at work, i'd just close my eyes while walking. When i first did so many months ago, i felt that fear. But now when i do it, i feel nothing. I'd test myself to see how far i could go before opening them again. One day i know i'm going to run into somebody and i'm going to have to come up with some bullshit excuse to what was happening. I'd probably tell them "oh sorry i'm just really tired." but i'd really want to say "I'm sorry, i'm trying to find emotion and fear, a reason to live, a reason to take action instead of contemplating what reasons i should have for doing the things i do." Before i started driving though, i gunned it right out of my driveway. I needed to leave bad. I needed to do something with such a great desire.
As i pulled in the shitty driveway of Jobro's house, my car jumped like it usually did. Across these two large pot holes in the gravel. Still lost in thought I parked. I sat there. Looking at their window that faced the driveway. The only car in the yard was Jobro's 96 mustang. I let off on the horn. Holding it down. The angry horn, so disturbing and panic striking. It was like thunder to your nervous system. It even made you angry. I never hit the horn when i come over. I just.. felt like i needed them to come out as soon as possible.
I kicked out the door, and sprawled out of my car. I went over to the well aged and rather dysotopic basketball hoop at the corner of the yard. I grabbed the deflated ball by the garbage cans just a few feet from the base of the hoop. I started to make shots waiting. J's Girlfriend came out. My face was stoic.
Jgf: Jobro's getting changed.
Our Protagonist: That's new.
Jgf: Yeah right?
Our Protagonist: Yep.
I kept shooting, usually i'm a lot more talkative. She couldn't sense my feeling of lostness. I looked at her dead in the eye. I waited for her every response. I stood there, my body and face was screaming, "GIVE ME SOMETHING." I'm not too sure what that means. I was just. Prepared. We kept talking, and I was completely un-phased by anything she could have told me. I was a well greased and fully optimized being of work. It was like, my mind was starving. Starving for, a challenge. Starving for use. It wanted to break the code to the pentagon, it wanted, to fucking DO something to take away my soul's realization it lived in hell. It was fucking craving action, experience, emotion, struggle. It wanted to experience.
The thought was much alike how i get when i'm angry. I remember when I used to get angry with x and I went skimboarding. The whole world was shut out. I just closed out everything in the world except: the sand beneath my toes, the water that crashed and roared, and the chunk of well made fiber glass in my grip. Everything was serine. My focus was at perfect height.
Jobro finally came out after a few minutes of conversation with his girlfriend. We went off and started the day. He cracked a joke, about something, I don't know what, and my mind started to quell. I tried not to think. I began thinking of Jobro and his gf and how i could make them laugh and how we'd spend the day.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Delerium
Has been achieved. I can't describe the feeling wright now. But you know i'm going to try to. If i didn't why would i be writing. I'll just think off the top of my head right now. I'm not doing what i want. saying what i want. i'm not being sated and it's killing me. my head is a fucking mush of everyting. it's just thinking non fucking stop. i can't put a finger on what the rfuck it is at all. i was thinking about how i'm going to see the psychotic in two weeks time but i thought of how i didn't need him anymore because i've pretty much got a lot under control. except for last night and right the fuck now. i can't stop thinking i can't stop thinking i can't stop thinking i can't stop thinking. i need to go to school to register for classes. i need to find my fucking phone so i can talk to jobro i need to get the fuck out of my head, i need to do drugs to stay out of my mind i need to find a fucking way to stop sounding like a fucking lunatic. i need to find a way not to care what i say or how to say what i want to .i need to rationalize i need to just fucking feel i need to be smart i need to do this that and everything else ithat i can possibly do to make me normal once again. i really have no fucking clue why i feel the way i do. you know if i were to askmyself when did all this first start getting funky, i wouldn't be able to tell you. but i can tell you that my add first started up from smoking weed for the second time in xbestfreidns apartment. i can't stay oin conversation i can't stay in thought i can't stay in mind, i just want to fucking be stable. normal. i fucking HATE this FUCKING feeling oF INSTAFUCKINBILITY what am I? some kind of nuclear radioactive element that's far beyond the periodic table? constantly losing electrons? i need some mother fuckign coffee it helps me get focused. although the energy i have to type right now is totally fucking feeling it's unstoppable. But. I. will. Stop. It. like how, i can stop, and stand, at any moment.
Deterioration
I skip writing words. I sometimes just forget to.. put them down. I have the sentence built in my head. i think of it. i know i usually get the first word down. But than. something happens. I disappear from reality. And i skip through time like a stone on water. I feel the emotions in my head the sentence conveys, but.. when i send what i write without checking, it's fucking indistinguishable.
I think something in my head snapped. from stress. from exhaustion. from alarm. from being close, to death.
I think something in my head snapped. from stress. from exhaustion. from alarm. from being close, to death.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Karma
Blindness. Thoughtless. Speechless and a flame. Grabbing knees. With a sunken face. This is not a place. We grow to find happy. To be among. To find the light. To rise above. So proclaim your grounds. And know your right to it. Don't think about why you don't deserve it, or why you do. Know that all things that walk, must have something new. Something they desire, something else that someone could have never knew. Make it yours and hold it tight, know that life is not a fight. It is a balance, a key set in motion. The resonance of the sound, to reverberate in space.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
It was a night during the summer.
Me,
X,
Jobro,
Jobro's Girl,
Quantum,
Dwarf,
Andromeda,
We all drank.
Fucking heavily.
Killed a couple handles,
couple games of beer pong.
It was a fun night.
Someone mentioned to go swimming in the pool.
We didn't have bathing suits.
We stripped to our undies.
The guys eyed up X, and Jobro's Girl.
It was okay, i was drunk they were too
I'm happy they're happy,
just as long as no one
Pulls anything slick.
We come back in,
Everything starts to become
A blur
In memory.
I remember, falling asleep next to X, pitch black.
I start to get a little fresh,
Smiling, thinking of sex.
She's tired and half awake
I'm fresh with my eyes closed.
We Pass Out.
Morning.
X looks disheveled,
She's staring into distance
without many noticing but me.
She plays this face,
That i know to well.
The face that says help me,
help me,
help me.
We get outside, as we leave together.
She says.
Dwarf.
What?
He was grabbing at me last night.
My heart drops.
My stomach inverses.
What? Are you sure?
Her eyes started to get teary.
This is so fucked up.
Why does it always happen to me?
How do you know it was him?
I KNOW.
He walked over to me when you were asleep.
He didn't know i was awake.
And he grabbed at my chest and my ass.
He did it for a while.
I tried waking you, but you were passed out.
What? you know i was feeling you up a little,
Before i went to sleep.
I KNOW.
IT WASN'T YOU.
Dwarf,
Was a real nice guy.
He did everything for everyone.
Buys everyone food.
Drives anywhere.
Always took one for the team.
But he never did get laid.
It was the first time he really drank.
He looked at X,
with that lusty look.
X broke in tears.
I felt the pain of loss of a friend,
the anger grew far over in my mind.
Fuck You Fate.
Why didn't you scream?
When shit like that happens SCREAM.
FUCKING DO ANYTHING
DON'T LET THAT SHIT HAPPEN.
I tell Jobro, Jobro's Girl, Andromeda.
No way he could.
Me and X stop being around Dwarf.
1 year later,
Me and X breakup,
I hang with him,
I hold blind eyes.
I doubt X,
I doubt myself,
I think it was in her dreams.
But i'd never forgive myself if i doubted her.
if it was true.
I'd still fight for her.
Me,
X,
Jobro,
Jobro's Girl,
Quantum,
Dwarf,
Andromeda,
We all drank.
Fucking heavily.
Killed a couple handles,
couple games of beer pong.
It was a fun night.
Someone mentioned to go swimming in the pool.
We didn't have bathing suits.
We stripped to our undies.
The guys eyed up X, and Jobro's Girl.
It was okay, i was drunk they were too
I'm happy they're happy,
just as long as no one
Pulls anything slick.
We come back in,
Everything starts to become
A blur
In memory.
I remember, falling asleep next to X, pitch black.
I start to get a little fresh,
Smiling, thinking of sex.
She's tired and half awake
I'm fresh with my eyes closed.
We Pass Out.
Morning.
X looks disheveled,
She's staring into distance
without many noticing but me.
She plays this face,
That i know to well.
The face that says help me,
help me,
help me.
We get outside, as we leave together.
She says.
Dwarf.
What?
He was grabbing at me last night.
My heart drops.
My stomach inverses.
What? Are you sure?
Her eyes started to get teary.
This is so fucked up.
Why does it always happen to me?
How do you know it was him?
I KNOW.
He walked over to me when you were asleep.
He didn't know i was awake.
And he grabbed at my chest and my ass.
He did it for a while.
I tried waking you, but you were passed out.
What? you know i was feeling you up a little,
Before i went to sleep.
I KNOW.
IT WASN'T YOU.
Dwarf,
Was a real nice guy.
He did everything for everyone.
Buys everyone food.
Drives anywhere.
Always took one for the team.
But he never did get laid.
It was the first time he really drank.
He looked at X,
with that lusty look.
X broke in tears.
I felt the pain of loss of a friend,
the anger grew far over in my mind.
Fuck You Fate.
Why didn't you scream?
When shit like that happens SCREAM.
FUCKING DO ANYTHING
DON'T LET THAT SHIT HAPPEN.
I tell Jobro, Jobro's Girl, Andromeda.
No way he could.
Me and X stop being around Dwarf.
1 year later,
Me and X breakup,
I hang with him,
I hold blind eyes.
I doubt X,
I doubt myself,
I think it was in her dreams.
But i'd never forgive myself if i doubted her.
if it was true.
I'd still fight for her.
Another Dimension
In the morning I have the best focus.
I should have drank a cup of coffee last night
The other dimension. Is a place I can't feel, I can't think into. Yet it still affects my life. I think the root to all my problems, is having almost everything I wanted for those 4 years with X. I got used to it. Love. And it took hold to everything I had in my life, and I guess I just never realized it. I don't feel it in my head, or consciously miss it with emotions. And I remarkably still don't regret the breakup, my morals are more important to me. I should not have been with X if i was looking at other girls and wanting to see what life with them would be like. I think i'm just in a super bad withdrawal. I got a slight bit of the depressing feeling this morning, I thought of what I had with X, and It lifted the feeling away. It felt good. If you asked me, do you want a girlfriend and love, i'd still probably say I don't know, but, I'm pretty sure once i find love again, i'll be normal. It'll be my cure.
So plan of action: Feeling Depressed? Think about what you had with X, What would you have been doing with X right now?
Assumption: Love for 4 years, it make take 4 years to fix its hole.
I should have drank a cup of coffee last night
The other dimension. Is a place I can't feel, I can't think into. Yet it still affects my life. I think the root to all my problems, is having almost everything I wanted for those 4 years with X. I got used to it. Love. And it took hold to everything I had in my life, and I guess I just never realized it. I don't feel it in my head, or consciously miss it with emotions. And I remarkably still don't regret the breakup, my morals are more important to me. I should not have been with X if i was looking at other girls and wanting to see what life with them would be like. I think i'm just in a super bad withdrawal. I got a slight bit of the depressing feeling this morning, I thought of what I had with X, and It lifted the feeling away. It felt good. If you asked me, do you want a girlfriend and love, i'd still probably say I don't know, but, I'm pretty sure once i find love again, i'll be normal. It'll be my cure.
So plan of action: Feeling Depressed? Think about what you had with X, What would you have been doing with X right now?
Assumption: Love for 4 years, it make take 4 years to fix its hole.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Disbelief.
Speaking out of my mind.
Tuesday, i like your music again.
Why cant i find anything that i truly want in life?
Why is it when i spent time with friends today, i looked out the window?
Just to watch our shadow flow through the many objects along the road?
I walked out of the gamestore while they all still stood in,
Tuesday, i like your music again.
Why cant i find anything that i truly want in life?
Why is it when i spent time with friends today, i looked out the window?
Just to watch our shadow flow through the many objects along the road?
I walked out of the gamestore while they all still stood in,
I was out by myself.
it was night, and the streets were trickling with one car
every so often.
The shitty 6 store plaza was a rectangle parallel to the road.
There was a large field across the street with lights bordering the tarmac.
It was humid, from the rainy day.
I stood there looking out,
it was night, and the streets were trickling with one car
every so often.
The shitty 6 store plaza was a rectangle parallel to the road.
There was a large field across the street with lights bordering the tarmac.
It was humid, from the rainy day.
I stood there looking out,
yet looking in.
i find myself having lost use of my eyes
i find myself having lost use of my eyes
they're open, but they don't see.
The more I lingered around the sidewalk of the plaza
The more i felt it grow.
I thought something deep.
I felt something chaining itself to my inner core
I felt like, well
killing myself
is getting to be a better and better thought every day.
Everytime this feeling breaks out of it's cage
I felt something chaining itself to my inner core
I felt like, well
killing myself
is getting to be a better and better thought every day.
Everytime this feeling breaks out of it's cage
it get's stronger
it hurts so much longer
I started to ask myself:
Can i really live with this?
Is this what i'm going to feel everyday?
Am I forever destined to walk with this crutch?
No one will love someone who can't stand on their own two feet.
I guess i'm destined to be alone
Forever.
Alas, there is a break in the darkness
it's fucking dumb and reckless
and hell
Can i really live with this?
Is this what i'm going to feel everyday?
Am I forever destined to walk with this crutch?
No one will love someone who can't stand on their own two feet.
I guess i'm destined to be alone
Forever.
Alas, there is a break in the darkness
it's fucking dumb and reckless
and hell
The stress might make me more crazy
but the only cure i can find,
is talking to women,
trying to make them attracted to me
I wonder why.
I don't want sex.
I'm too insecure
Do I want love?
Pure Requited Love?
I think so.
I think I want someone to be there.
I cant see,
it's like theres a wall
blocking my thoughts.
Tuesday, I'm sorry again.
but the only cure i can find,
is talking to women,
trying to make them attracted to me
I wonder why.
I don't want sex.
I'm too insecure
Do I want love?
Pure Requited Love?
I think so.
I think I want someone to be there.
I cant see,
it's like theres a wall
blocking my thoughts.
Tuesday, I'm sorry again.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
I'm rapidly losing ground.
The beast grows stronger. The mind more torn. The fallout is too intense to cultivate.
That Clear Cut Focus.
I think i lose it at night, stability. Focus kind of goes out the window. My optimism, it's just shot to shit like a 1940's execution- Ripped apart by tommy guns against a brick wall. It's good to know though, that every day is like an episode of Ground Hog's day. I wake up, Feeling like a 100 bucks. If only I had a Life Bar to show how much health I had at the end of the day, I'd know when to call it quits and sleep.
Last night, I pledged to myself that I would make an appointment to see a psychologist. This morning, I just want a bowl of cereal, a pic to play my guitar, and a goal for the day.
The blatant uncertainty of truth.
It's the fucking obscurity which
claws under my skin.
Last night, I pledged to myself that I would make an appointment to see a psychologist. This morning, I just want a bowl of cereal, a pic to play my guitar, and a goal for the day.
The blatant uncertainty of truth.
It's the fucking obscurity which
claws under my skin.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Jogging, While Intoxicated.
I went over to Jobro's today after a worried call from his girlfriend. He dropped a connecting piece to his fuel tank INTO the fuel tank. He got mighty pissed to scare his girlfriend but he's never angry in front of me, I don't know why. We somehow got on the topic of beer and we went out and got some. We played basketball while drinking making dumb shots while playing horse and around the world. We balanced the bottle on our head with one foot and made it easily. I did more than half the shots while drinking using one arm hah.
Anyway. I got a bit drunk, realized i had class in an hour and had to gun it to college to make it. I did flawlessly, and thankfully our Lab assignment was completed in under 10 minutes. Ireland and I share this class. I've never found her TOO attractive, but today was an exception. She wasn't dressed up at all. She dressed how she usually does when we go jogging. Grey t shirt and black tight pants joggers wear. She was her usual "touchy" self, which i don't mind. Who hates having a pretty girl all up on you? Not me.
We got to the park and began our 3 mile jog barely committed. She kept saying she doesn't know how i'm going to be doing this (intoxicated) and that she was lazy her self so we agreed to walk at a certain point.
It was hot. Humid. The air was thick and we both sweat like dogs. It was exhilarating, and my heart began to race even more as I thought of her. I looked over at her. I thought of how exhausted she was. How hard we working with one another. How her body was straining herself to keep up speed. How I had to stay right on her, to make sure she wouldn't pass me. I bit my lip scratching at my will for inner strength. She held her mouth open, rasping for the hot humid air. We made our muscles work in a hard... rhythmic.. pattern.. I thought of sex. I started to get fired up. Her red hair and her blue eyes. How she never fails to smile at every moment. I imagined her naked, with that smile as she laid over me. Hovering over my chest connected by our hips. Wildly shaking the car, grasping the edge of the seats with our skin sticking to the leather. The sun would be setting over the tree line. It gave a perfect angle to glimmer the moist sweat on her golden freckled skin. I imagined how completely exhausted we would've been by the time we were fucking. How we couldn't move a single muscle after the run out of will but yet when it came to that deep lusty sex we would have, we would grind and pulse with a fierce vigor. I imagined her small lips and how good they would feel on mine. How our skin would slide and slip like slick oil with little to no friction. The jerk of her whole body when I would thrust holding her, as we both held our eyes down. She'd be pressing her head on mine to make me feel the build up of sexual pressure that we so intensely desired. When the deed was done, we'd fall asleep in the car, naked, resting. We would wake up in the middle of the night with a full moon under the stars. She would grab her clothes and i would just wear my jeans with no underwear. She'd smile her smile and say "well that was fun" and I'd grin with a laugh and say "I'll see ya later, Ireland." She'd leave in one direction. I'd leave in the other, both of us completely unconnected by emotion or doubts.
Anyway. I got a bit drunk, realized i had class in an hour and had to gun it to college to make it. I did flawlessly, and thankfully our Lab assignment was completed in under 10 minutes. Ireland and I share this class. I've never found her TOO attractive, but today was an exception. She wasn't dressed up at all. She dressed how she usually does when we go jogging. Grey t shirt and black tight pants joggers wear. She was her usual "touchy" self, which i don't mind. Who hates having a pretty girl all up on you? Not me.
We got to the park and began our 3 mile jog barely committed. She kept saying she doesn't know how i'm going to be doing this (intoxicated) and that she was lazy her self so we agreed to walk at a certain point.
It was hot. Humid. The air was thick and we both sweat like dogs. It was exhilarating, and my heart began to race even more as I thought of her. I looked over at her. I thought of how exhausted she was. How hard we working with one another. How her body was straining herself to keep up speed. How I had to stay right on her, to make sure she wouldn't pass me. I bit my lip scratching at my will for inner strength. She held her mouth open, rasping for the hot humid air. We made our muscles work in a hard... rhythmic.. pattern.. I thought of sex. I started to get fired up. Her red hair and her blue eyes. How she never fails to smile at every moment. I imagined her naked, with that smile as she laid over me. Hovering over my chest connected by our hips. Wildly shaking the car, grasping the edge of the seats with our skin sticking to the leather. The sun would be setting over the tree line. It gave a perfect angle to glimmer the moist sweat on her golden freckled skin. I imagined how completely exhausted we would've been by the time we were fucking. How we couldn't move a single muscle after the run out of will but yet when it came to that deep lusty sex we would have, we would grind and pulse with a fierce vigor. I imagined her small lips and how good they would feel on mine. How our skin would slide and slip like slick oil with little to no friction. The jerk of her whole body when I would thrust holding her, as we both held our eyes down. She'd be pressing her head on mine to make me feel the build up of sexual pressure that we so intensely desired. When the deed was done, we'd fall asleep in the car, naked, resting. We would wake up in the middle of the night with a full moon under the stars. She would grab her clothes and i would just wear my jeans with no underwear. She'd smile her smile and say "well that was fun" and I'd grin with a laugh and say "I'll see ya later, Ireland." She'd leave in one direction. I'd leave in the other, both of us completely unconnected by emotion or doubts.
Father.
You're not perfect.
But I've always loved you.
From when I was a boy,
You were not there.
You lived in a far place,
where mother and I
traveled very far too.
I remember your shop.
The brick walls, dusty
and darkened by exhaust.
The curb that awkwardly surrounds your front door,
How high I lifted my knee when I was so young.
How it reminds me of how you lifted me on your shoulders.
Rusty, your great dane
Who was a giant in hands
How he was so majestic
When he roamed your lot
The way you asked about my life
Funny how you did
Because i was so young
You're pencil mustache
Which was so Retro
And out dated.
When you made fun
of my Mohawk
I said to you,
Coming from the guy
With a pencil mustache
and Pink Tinted Glasses
I was stabbing for blood then,
Now,
I think back
and regret
every
moment
spent
sour.
The next time I saw you
You were shaven,
With new glasses (untinted.)
I want to take back those words
so bad, knowing i hurt my father
I want your dumb glasses
and your dumb statche.
I want you to be happy,
Even though our words together,
won't last forever.
I sit here at home,
behind my doors
You never called,
And many would say
you just never bothered.
But i know you,
Because how I know myself so well.
How i'm just a newer grown shell
Of you in me.
How we think so hard about things
We want to do.
But stay way, from the fear.
The fear that we both knew
I know despite them dad,
That you always cared,
that you've always thought
just never dared.
We are far closer
Than many will see,
Because I barely know you
and you barely know me.
I called him today, the day after fathers day. I was too pressured to call. i could have. I didn't. He told me today, his brother died. I was in a surprise, I don't think anyone saw it coming. He (himself) then told me he went back for surgery for a hernia. They found a tumor. I think it's in his lungs, because of the cigarettes he's lipped since 10. There's no way i can tell for sure. Until i see him sometime this week. He said he would call, it's strange. He never has.
But I've always loved you.
From when I was a boy,
You were not there.
You lived in a far place,
where mother and I
traveled very far too.
I remember your shop.
The brick walls, dusty
and darkened by exhaust.
The curb that awkwardly surrounds your front door,
How high I lifted my knee when I was so young.
How it reminds me of how you lifted me on your shoulders.
Rusty, your great dane
Who was a giant in hands
How he was so majestic
When he roamed your lot
The way you asked about my life
Funny how you did
Because i was so young
You're pencil mustache
Which was so Retro
And out dated.
When you made fun
of my Mohawk
I said to you,
Coming from the guy
With a pencil mustache
and Pink Tinted Glasses
I was stabbing for blood then,
Now,
I think back
and regret
every
moment
spent
sour.
The next time I saw you
You were shaven,
With new glasses (untinted.)
I want to take back those words
so bad, knowing i hurt my father
I want your dumb glasses
and your dumb statche.
I want you to be happy,
Even though our words together,
won't last forever.
I sit here at home,
behind my doors
You never called,
And many would say
you just never bothered.
But i know you,
Because how I know myself so well.
How i'm just a newer grown shell
Of you in me.
How we think so hard about things
We want to do.
But stay way, from the fear.
The fear that we both knew
I know despite them dad,
That you always cared,
that you've always thought
just never dared.
We are far closer
Than many will see,
Because I barely know you
and you barely know me.
I called him today, the day after fathers day. I was too pressured to call. i could have. I didn't. He told me today, his brother died. I was in a surprise, I don't think anyone saw it coming. He (himself) then told me he went back for surgery for a hernia. They found a tumor. I think it's in his lungs, because of the cigarettes he's lipped since 10. There's no way i can tell for sure. Until i see him sometime this week. He said he would call, it's strange. He never has.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Getting Closer.
I'm not sure what I want to write about right now.
I'm a little worried about Tuesday. I haven't spoken to her in maybe 3 days? I hope she made out okay today. I 'm afraid I find myself being able to hurt her far too easy. I don't intend to. I think sometimes that the words i write carry far more meaning than they should. It makes me want to be very precarious with everything i write. But, I believe in honesty and to follow true to it. I should really think about what I say though.
I've told her many times before, I'm broken. I'm sure I am. I was in a bout of depression the other night, and when i'm depressed I honestly feel a strong certain something for her. When I'm not in this bout, I'm not as loose in my words to speak to her about how much I care. I mean, I deeply care for her as a friend and maybe more, but. When i'm depressed, I feel like she's the only one I can rely on. Like she's the only one that can make the pain away. The amount that I need her increases 10 fold. There's something very important I should consider though. Is it right that I act out so strongly for her while I'm depressed? Is it the true emotion I feel? Or is this true emotion we feel.. just the most consistent one?
I'm a little worried about Tuesday. I haven't spoken to her in maybe 3 days? I hope she made out okay today. I 'm afraid I find myself being able to hurt her far too easy. I don't intend to. I think sometimes that the words i write carry far more meaning than they should. It makes me want to be very precarious with everything i write. But, I believe in honesty and to follow true to it. I should really think about what I say though.
I've told her many times before, I'm broken. I'm sure I am. I was in a bout of depression the other night, and when i'm depressed I honestly feel a strong certain something for her. When I'm not in this bout, I'm not as loose in my words to speak to her about how much I care. I mean, I deeply care for her as a friend and maybe more, but. When i'm depressed, I feel like she's the only one I can rely on. Like she's the only one that can make the pain away. The amount that I need her increases 10 fold. There's something very important I should consider though. Is it right that I act out so strongly for her while I'm depressed? Is it the true emotion I feel? Or is this true emotion we feel.. just the most consistent one?
The Cognitive Framework; in which we all subside.
Today was a good day.
Focus.
The Cognitive Framework.
In another bout of my self-proclaimed craziness, I'm finding that I come across mental boundaries. Certain intangible things that is hard to grab hold on. I'm finding that stupidity and the pinnacle of social ability are coinciding. At least to my untrained eyes. I think of all the social butterflies i've ever met in my life. I'm wanting to believe that they're lack of anxiety is due to their lack of thought. The lack of thought of the "what if's." It makes me wonder if it is truly possible to be that social icon, without losing any thought. By being completely knowledgeable and understanding fears, and putting them aside for flawlessness.
Kryptonite was an example of why i feel social butterflies are empty minded. Kryptonite couldn't tell a single thing I was thinking. She couldn't tell a single thing anyone was ever thinking. She was always so, preoccupied with her life and the things in it. She never had the time of day to think about what another person was thinking. Everything else just meant so much to her, she had no room left to care for the "What if's." I remember I told her once upon a time I wanted to be like you.
I've never met a social icon who understands the "What if's" and still holds ground without losing an inch of territory representing metaphysical thought. The lack of consideration of "What if's" is the lack of ability to feel the anxiety it brings with it.
This makes me wonder. Do you really need to fully understand the "What if's?" Do you really need to know every possible outcome and unwillingly feel every horrifying result?
My mind is losing logic the more I go on, I'll be refreshed later.
I have a theory, sporadically strained through memories. That maybe, the pinnacle of personal social ability is produced through reflex. Reflex meaning, spontaneous action without thought. The event of acting out responses to social interactions not from thought, but from reflex. I've read that reflexes derive from the spinal cord of your body. I know it sounds strange, but it's rather interesting. Maybe, social reflexes derive from emotional events. Emotional events cannot be caused by thought can they?
I'm running scenarios through my head, for when I go to visit my cousin's house in celebration of Father's Day. (happy fathers day, dad. you won't hear this from me by word of mouth today, so I'll write it here.) I'm trying to imagine this new strategy of action by social reflex. I think that it may not be reflex now. I feel that it is, a clairty of mind that determines the height of social capability.
We know that Social Capability is negatively effected by anxiety or negative stress.
We know that Social Capability is positively effected by achieved goals or wants being met.
In positive effection, we do not think as much. We spend our brain power feeling the emotions of achieved goals. It is a taxless event, enjoying the emotions. It leaves our brain fully capable to analyze situations and produce the correct actions. This idea supports reflex.
In negative effection, we think too much. We spend our brain power trying to get rid of the negative feelings. It is very taxing. When our brain encounters situations, our brain power is divided into certain portions, one portion to alleviating negative emotions, the other to analyze and produce action from the current situation.
I think I feel the crazy overwhelming me right now. It feels like I can preceive the world when i'm high by choice. Well I can activate it, but i cant disable it.
--
Maybe it's a combination, clarity and reflex. Clarity allows a pure undivided stream of thought, which would allow reflexes to take full control of the body. Reflexes are (now) subconsciously learned responses from experience. The reflex may also be an ability to rapidly analyze situations and have results without filters; Without unnecessary considerations. Maybe anxiety implants false considerations. Maybe misjudgement, is an indirect product of the fight or flight response. The increased awareness and metabolic action in the brain would cause an overflow of energy to think. Maybe, most the problems we encounter do not require much thought and that the un-proportional ability to solve a large problem for a little problem is where things go faulty. Maybe anxiety it disables our trust, in our selves. It forgets experiences, and imports theoretical ideas.
I'm trying to stop writing.
In another bout of my self-proclaimed craziness, I'm finding that I come across mental boundaries. Certain intangible things that is hard to grab hold on. I'm finding that stupidity and the pinnacle of social ability are coinciding. At least to my untrained eyes. I think of all the social butterflies i've ever met in my life. I'm wanting to believe that they're lack of anxiety is due to their lack of thought. The lack of thought of the "what if's." It makes me wonder if it is truly possible to be that social icon, without losing any thought. By being completely knowledgeable and understanding fears, and putting them aside for flawlessness.
Kryptonite was an example of why i feel social butterflies are empty minded. Kryptonite couldn't tell a single thing I was thinking. She couldn't tell a single thing anyone was ever thinking. She was always so, preoccupied with her life and the things in it. She never had the time of day to think about what another person was thinking. Everything else just meant so much to her, she had no room left to care for the "What if's." I remember I told her once upon a time I wanted to be like you.
I've never met a social icon who understands the "What if's" and still holds ground without losing an inch of territory representing metaphysical thought. The lack of consideration of "What if's" is the lack of ability to feel the anxiety it brings with it.
This makes me wonder. Do you really need to fully understand the "What if's?" Do you really need to know every possible outcome and unwillingly feel every horrifying result?
My mind is losing logic the more I go on, I'll be refreshed later.
I have a theory, sporadically strained through memories. That maybe, the pinnacle of personal social ability is produced through reflex. Reflex meaning, spontaneous action without thought. The event of acting out responses to social interactions not from thought, but from reflex. I've read that reflexes derive from the spinal cord of your body. I know it sounds strange, but it's rather interesting. Maybe, social reflexes derive from emotional events. Emotional events cannot be caused by thought can they?
I'm running scenarios through my head, for when I go to visit my cousin's house in celebration of Father's Day. (happy fathers day, dad. you won't hear this from me by word of mouth today, so I'll write it here.) I'm trying to imagine this new strategy of action by social reflex. I think that it may not be reflex now. I feel that it is, a clairty of mind that determines the height of social capability.
We know that Social Capability is negatively effected by anxiety or negative stress.
We know that Social Capability is positively effected by achieved goals or wants being met.
In positive effection, we do not think as much. We spend our brain power feeling the emotions of achieved goals. It is a taxless event, enjoying the emotions. It leaves our brain fully capable to analyze situations and produce the correct actions. This idea supports reflex.
In negative effection, we think too much. We spend our brain power trying to get rid of the negative feelings. It is very taxing. When our brain encounters situations, our brain power is divided into certain portions, one portion to alleviating negative emotions, the other to analyze and produce action from the current situation.
I think I feel the crazy overwhelming me right now. It feels like I can preceive the world when i'm high by choice. Well I can activate it, but i cant disable it.
--
Maybe it's a combination, clarity and reflex. Clarity allows a pure undivided stream of thought, which would allow reflexes to take full control of the body. Reflexes are (now) subconsciously learned responses from experience. The reflex may also be an ability to rapidly analyze situations and have results without filters; Without unnecessary considerations. Maybe anxiety implants false considerations. Maybe misjudgement, is an indirect product of the fight or flight response. The increased awareness and metabolic action in the brain would cause an overflow of energy to think. Maybe, most the problems we encounter do not require much thought and that the un-proportional ability to solve a large problem for a little problem is where things go faulty. Maybe anxiety it disables our trust, in our selves. It forgets experiences, and imports theoretical ideas.
I'm trying to stop writing.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Closing my Eyes.
I actually felt normal for the first time in a long time from that cunt of a kid, It felt good to have someone depend on me, for me to be able to give someone such a great ease. The whole event makes me think of one my theories: When we find others like us, we subconsciously believe that they are us. When I wanted to be his savior, with alleviating his problems, it made me feel good. Because it is exactly what I want. Fuck. that means I'm dependent doesn't it. More importantly, I was X's savior, I alleviated all her problems.
Helping someone is coming to be the one and only thing I truly desire.
Helping someone is coming to be the one and only thing I truly desire.
T-Minus 21 minutes
Hey guess what? No, depression. It was a battle today though I'd have to say. I felt like I was walking on the back edge of a knife. borderline. I felt like today was worth it because of something strange and new happening. There was a kid who was volunteering. His mom, the charge nurse, made him do so for college. I'm not too sure how that adds up, but i never really looked into college preparation. Anyway, the kid didn't know anything about anything. He was 16.. He was small built stood about 5'6" and of course Filipino.
I've always wanted to teach people something. I've daydreamed about it often and apparently it showed. A patient was watching me show him how to do things and saw that i made him laugh, I think. The way I found out was strange. She called me over and asked me if i was married. I said no and I told her I was surprised, everyone thinks i'm in highschool. She completely disagreed with the fact that anyone could believe that. When i asked her why she thought that, she said I looked like I would make a good father. I'll remember that for a long time.
The kid was a 16 yr old nerd from what I saw. However, he did mention he played soccer.. Than again, he did tell me he goes to a private school. I saw the nerves in him. He was anxious and a little afraid because it was one of his first days volunteering. I love helping people, especially when they have the same problems I do. Fuck nerves. I try my hardest to bring them up to the courage I have. It may not be impeccable, but it's everything I have. Everything he responded in was an I don't know, an I guess, a very RESISTANCE-less response. He was liquid. Take form kid, take form.
Toward the end of the day I was just cleaning up and I was going to try continuing a conversation with him, but apparently I think I'm shit for conversation. I cleaned up the gym as I saw him sitting at a table bored. As soon as I was finished i told myself, I'd try to make his day a little easier. After I replaced the last weight, he left the gym. I didn't see him much after that, but he was still going to be there for a couple hours. I found him helping his mom do something with charts behind the nursing station. It seemed like tedious bullshit work, and personally i'd rather push people around. A moment arose where I could've used some assistance so i went over to the nurses station to ask if he wanted to help. I shouted his name three times, fucking un-focus a little bit kid, get some situational awareness. A nurse in between him and I looked at me smiling, I asked if she could get him for me, my anxiety was rising from my failure to speak loud enough. When she asked him, him, his mother, the nurse i asked, and another nurse, all looked at me in expectation. FUCK people for giving me anxiety.
Our Protagonist: "Hey Kid, want to help me out? [Mind: oh Protagonist, you're sounding to calm and normal let's speed up your voice and make sure it's hard to understand.] Or are you doing something?"
Kid: "What?"
Our Protagonist: "[Bullet speed] -Want to help- [Realization my words are indistinguishable] Are you doing, [pause] something right now?"
Kid: "Yeah, I'm doing something." He spoke in a fucking tone of "can't you see I'm doing something?"
Little cunt. To make me look more like an ass, his mother reiterated his answer for the lack of her own personal understanding that he spoke the same words. My mind is getting rather fucking irritated and stressed to the point where i can't rationalize. I want to write about how I feel right now. I feel fucking pissed, but my brain can't take the anger. I want to get back at the kid for making me feel like that. I want to rationalize why I'm not a fucking idiot. I want to rationalize that I'm not lesser to a 16 old kid who hasn't even gotten laid yet. I need to fucking calm down, but if i do, i lose my train of thought.
I'm making a fucking realization that I can't keep a train of thought. As soon as I feel an overwhelming feeling my mind shuts down all logic. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME. I'm going to go sleep, and hope for a happier day. -Notice the lack of train of thought. I thought today was a horrible day after writing that, but in the beginning of this post, I wrote it was a happy day. My mind is rotten. Skin scolded with boiling water. The flat white straw pulp under a tree's bark from the blunt force of a sledgehammer. Something tells me, this ADD has progressed,
into,
a,
fucking,
shit,
storm,
of,
a,
mental,
disease.
I've always wanted to teach people something. I've daydreamed about it often and apparently it showed. A patient was watching me show him how to do things and saw that i made him laugh, I think. The way I found out was strange. She called me over and asked me if i was married. I said no and I told her I was surprised, everyone thinks i'm in highschool. She completely disagreed with the fact that anyone could believe that. When i asked her why she thought that, she said I looked like I would make a good father. I'll remember that for a long time.
The kid was a 16 yr old nerd from what I saw. However, he did mention he played soccer.. Than again, he did tell me he goes to a private school. I saw the nerves in him. He was anxious and a little afraid because it was one of his first days volunteering. I love helping people, especially when they have the same problems I do. Fuck nerves. I try my hardest to bring them up to the courage I have. It may not be impeccable, but it's everything I have. Everything he responded in was an I don't know, an I guess, a very RESISTANCE-less response. He was liquid. Take form kid, take form.
Toward the end of the day I was just cleaning up and I was going to try continuing a conversation with him, but apparently I think I'm shit for conversation. I cleaned up the gym as I saw him sitting at a table bored. As soon as I was finished i told myself, I'd try to make his day a little easier. After I replaced the last weight, he left the gym. I didn't see him much after that, but he was still going to be there for a couple hours. I found him helping his mom do something with charts behind the nursing station. It seemed like tedious bullshit work, and personally i'd rather push people around. A moment arose where I could've used some assistance so i went over to the nurses station to ask if he wanted to help. I shouted his name three times, fucking un-focus a little bit kid, get some situational awareness. A nurse in between him and I looked at me smiling, I asked if she could get him for me, my anxiety was rising from my failure to speak loud enough. When she asked him, him, his mother, the nurse i asked, and another nurse, all looked at me in expectation. FUCK people for giving me anxiety.
Our Protagonist: "Hey Kid, want to help me out? [Mind: oh Protagonist, you're sounding to calm and normal let's speed up your voice and make sure it's hard to understand.] Or are you doing something?"
Kid: "What?"
Our Protagonist: "[Bullet speed] -Want to help- [Realization my words are indistinguishable] Are you doing, [pause] something right now?"
Kid: "Yeah, I'm doing something." He spoke in a fucking tone of "can't you see I'm doing something?"
Little cunt. To make me look more like an ass, his mother reiterated his answer for the lack of her own personal understanding that he spoke the same words. My mind is getting rather fucking irritated and stressed to the point where i can't rationalize. I want to write about how I feel right now. I feel fucking pissed, but my brain can't take the anger. I want to get back at the kid for making me feel like that. I want to rationalize why I'm not a fucking idiot. I want to rationalize that I'm not lesser to a 16 old kid who hasn't even gotten laid yet. I need to fucking calm down, but if i do, i lose my train of thought.
I'm making a fucking realization that I can't keep a train of thought. As soon as I feel an overwhelming feeling my mind shuts down all logic. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME. I'm going to go sleep, and hope for a happier day. -Notice the lack of train of thought. I thought today was a horrible day after writing that, but in the beginning of this post, I wrote it was a happy day. My mind is rotten. Skin scolded with boiling water. The flat white straw pulp under a tree's bark from the blunt force of a sledgehammer. Something tells me, this ADD has progressed,
into,
a,
fucking,
shit,
storm,
of,
a,
mental,
disease.
Resistance.
I striked a thought tonight in a bout of depression. Obviously, subsequent to my erratic delirium. (excuse the faux-intelligent sentence. I was listening to talk radio the other night.) The thought was about resistance and it's affect on newly made relationships.
Stranger Resistance is directly correlated to outcomes. Not the physical kind. But the kind you get in people. Resistance can lead people. It can also make you appear as a total asshole. Resistance is reflected on your confidence in your words. If you say something with the outward emotion that you could be wrong, people will assume just that. If you say something with confidence, and are willing to fight for it or put your self at risk for it, people will not question you as much.
I want to write more, but a bit of Tuesday is mind altering. [In a way I like.]
I've told her i want to sleep. and i really did, but i saw my blog open and had a striking idea.
The words i speak don't match the feelings in my mind. I don't know how i appear to others. I only react from the resulting actions and words of others. I reflect myself from their temperaments and reactions. I've really gotta sleep. My eyes are getting dry and the beer and the shot i had earlier today seems to have finally caught up to my glorious stand.
I'm truly losing my mind. I thought the previous paragraph made sense. I didn't even mention why the feelings don't match the words i speak. Not in the sense of: i'm saying something i don't want to say. But in the sense of i feel something strongly that i feel the words I use don't really fully translate the way I feel. What i want to get out.
What do you want?
I don't know.
Stranger Resistance is directly correlated to outcomes. Not the physical kind. But the kind you get in people. Resistance can lead people. It can also make you appear as a total asshole. Resistance is reflected on your confidence in your words. If you say something with the outward emotion that you could be wrong, people will assume just that. If you say something with confidence, and are willing to fight for it or put your self at risk for it, people will not question you as much.
I want to write more, but a bit of Tuesday is mind altering. [In a way I like.]
I've told her i want to sleep. and i really did, but i saw my blog open and had a striking idea.
The words i speak don't match the feelings in my mind. I don't know how i appear to others. I only react from the resulting actions and words of others. I reflect myself from their temperaments and reactions. I've really gotta sleep. My eyes are getting dry and the beer and the shot i had earlier today seems to have finally caught up to my glorious stand.
I'm truly losing my mind. I thought the previous paragraph made sense. I didn't even mention why the feelings don't match the words i speak. Not in the sense of: i'm saying something i don't want to say. But in the sense of i feel something strongly that i feel the words I use don't really fully translate the way I feel. What i want to get out.
What do you want?
I don't know.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Everything Is Shifting
Like the complex inner workings of a clock. The universe turns every second, shifts entities into new place. Thoughts now have different planes. Different angles and vertices. I thought if i could picture my mind what would it look like? I imagined smoke, being pulled in different directions, spinning. twirling. jumping erratically from corner to corner of my point of view.
I got my blood taken today. The prescription read, TSH, TS4 Hypothyjabeirj (shitty doctor writing.) He gave me a possible diagnosis of hypothyroidism, but i think to be sure you need to have consistent low lab values. I've researched some up on it. It's funny the symptoms. I can't find the site anymore, but it said depression, racing thoughts, and attention deficit. Sounds like me, but hey, i'm desperate right now. I'll make anything into a scape goat. I'm starving.
I got my blood taken today. The prescription read, TSH, TS4 Hypothyjabeirj (shitty doctor writing.) He gave me a possible diagnosis of hypothyroidism, but i think to be sure you need to have consistent low lab values. I've researched some up on it. It's funny the symptoms. I can't find the site anymore, but it said depression, racing thoughts, and attention deficit. Sounds like me, but hey, i'm desperate right now. I'll make anything into a scape goat. I'm starving.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I laughed.
I saw that Google had a moon on it's logo tonight. It said there was a lunar-eclipse. I thought "hey really?" is that why the moon is so big and orange tonight? I thought of sitting on my roof like how I used too many nights ago. It was so calming during the summer. I looked over at the windowsill and saw my air conditioner jutting out. I couldn't go out my window. I thought of going into my cousin's room contemplating if i could go out that way. In the mean time, I began playing this song the background. I thought of how dangerous it was, going out through my cousin's window. Nevertheless, I figured i'd give it a shot. With the lights off, I walked down my hall way. I hate the dark. I thought of turning them on, but I didn't want to turn them on: i don't deserve it. I figured why bother. As I pried the door to my cousin's room, the soft notes of the cello made me want to cry. I stood there looking in from the door way. The room was so dark you could only see the moonlight shining through the window. I felt a strong agony being in the dark. I thought of how it burdens me, striking fear and pain. I incidentally looked deeply at the window. It was bright outside and the only escape from this "fear and pain". I thought of what that meant to me. I thought, this song, it's just telling me, to end it now. To end it all. To open the window, and take that extra step. I thought of how sad it would be, how people would miss me. The funeral would be filled with all the people that loved me. Crying, with some faces stoic, some wrinkled. I imagined them all looking down, focusing on the casket my body laid in. I then drew closer to the window, the cello singing so softly "Go." With a slight sadness in my gut, I laughed. I opened the window and kept my feet right where they were, safe and grounded. The moon was full. I figured, "I missed the eclipse."
I don't think I'd ever kill myself. But I'm starting to feel, it's more than just "me" in "here."
I don't think I'd ever kill myself. But I'm starting to feel, it's more than just "me" in "here."
Speaking Of Insanity.
I thought of how i feel like shit. I thought of how i couldn't fathom why. I wanted to break out in laughter. I just told Tuesday this.
Seriously. WHAT IS IT. that rots my brain? that holds the steel pitchfork behind me while i run on a trendmill. Why can't i shut it down? why can't i just stop running. Why do I have to continue on trying to rationalize.
I think i'm crazy. Because. I don't know what i want from life. I don't what i want to do with it. I don't know WHAT the fuck i'm DOING. DO I WANT A GIRLFRIEND? DO I WANT FRIENDS? DO I WANT A HOBBY? I want to be happy.
My brain has to be fucked up.
You're a paranoid fuck you know that?
Yeah.
You're also depressed.
Yeah.
So what's the problem man?
Well i don't want to be those things.
Than whats stopping you?
I don't know how to be.
Hm, well that's rough.
Yeah it really is.
Why can't you pursue the things you want?
Because of the stress.
Why is it too much?
Yeah.
Well why is it too much, havent you done things like this before?
Yeah, but idk it's different now.
Well why is it different?
Then, i could have done anything because i had the support of my friends.. they made me feel like i was able.
that's pretty interesting.
Yeah i guess it is.
So why arent you able now?
I don't know.
You have friends, a loving family, the ability to be smooth as mother fucker talking, you're very considerate, you're handsome, you're slightly athletic, you're in college pursuing a great career, and you're going to be doing what you love, helping people.
It's not enough.
Than what are you really searching for?
Maybe Love?
Than why don't you pursue love?
Because.
Because what? are you still in love with Liz?
Hah, my heart just fluttered hearing her name. Seeing it written like that. It makes me think of all the happy times we had together.
So are you?
No, and yes. I don't want to be back together with her.
Why not?
Because, I'm not attracted to her now and that I've wronged her by looking at other girls.
You know it's possible to go back in a relationship with someone.
But i feel shame.
Shame from what?
Shame that i treated her in such a way, and that if i were to be in the relationship, i'd have to carry that with me. It says that I can leave at any moment, which i feel is possible.
So do you want to find love with someone else?
No. i don't think so.
Do you want someone else?
You know, my mind, it doesn't think that it does. But my body. It's affine for the opposite sex. It wants to talk and swoon the beautiful girls i meet. It makes me think that i want one so bad.
Well what does the mind want from girls?
To be accepted, and to have someone understand me. You know i've never really comprehended how important that was, having someone understand you. I remember when i was with Liz, I said all she is, is someone who accepts me, and i can find that anywhere. It's been a long 7 or 8 months now. Not a single human being i've met truly accepts me.
Why do you say that? you've made friends with Endgame, edit, edit, and edit and edit
Yeah.. but that's only what they've seen of me you know?
I guess so. But what they seen of you is you isnt it?
Yeah. But i feel like i'm different when i'm not around people.
Are you?
I think so.
Well what makes you different?
the fact that i'm desperate for a girl. and that..
Your desperate for a girl?
Yeah I think I am.
But you don't want love?
No I don't think so. I think it's because of what love is affiliated to.
And what's love affiliated to?
Arguements, changing, nervousness, stress, anxiety, fears, wishes, dreams. It's broken my heart several times since X. And now i feel like a frail old man, a dried leaf in the wind. Barely gripping on to the street beneath it.
I think were done.
yeah.
Seriously. WHAT IS IT. that rots my brain? that holds the steel pitchfork behind me while i run on a trendmill. Why can't i shut it down? why can't i just stop running. Why do I have to continue on trying to rationalize.
I think i'm crazy. Because. I don't know what i want from life. I don't what i want to do with it. I don't know WHAT the fuck i'm DOING. DO I WANT A GIRLFRIEND? DO I WANT FRIENDS? DO I WANT A HOBBY? I want to be happy.
My brain has to be fucked up.
You're a paranoid fuck you know that?
Yeah.
You're also depressed.
Yeah.
So what's the problem man?
Well i don't want to be those things.
Than whats stopping you?
I don't know how to be.
Hm, well that's rough.
Yeah it really is.
Why can't you pursue the things you want?
Because of the stress.
Why is it too much?
Yeah.
Well why is it too much, havent you done things like this before?
Yeah, but idk it's different now.
Well why is it different?
Then, i could have done anything because i had the support of my friends.. they made me feel like i was able.
that's pretty interesting.
Yeah i guess it is.
So why arent you able now?
I don't know.
You have friends, a loving family, the ability to be smooth as mother fucker talking, you're very considerate, you're handsome, you're slightly athletic, you're in college pursuing a great career, and you're going to be doing what you love, helping people.
It's not enough.
Than what are you really searching for?
Maybe Love?
Than why don't you pursue love?
Because.
Because what? are you still in love with Liz?
Hah, my heart just fluttered hearing her name. Seeing it written like that. It makes me think of all the happy times we had together.
So are you?
No, and yes. I don't want to be back together with her.
Why not?
Because, I'm not attracted to her now and that I've wronged her by looking at other girls.
You know it's possible to go back in a relationship with someone.
But i feel shame.
Shame from what?
Shame that i treated her in such a way, and that if i were to be in the relationship, i'd have to carry that with me. It says that I can leave at any moment, which i feel is possible.
So do you want to find love with someone else?
No. i don't think so.
Do you want someone else?
You know, my mind, it doesn't think that it does. But my body. It's affine for the opposite sex. It wants to talk and swoon the beautiful girls i meet. It makes me think that i want one so bad.
Well what does the mind want from girls?
To be accepted, and to have someone understand me. You know i've never really comprehended how important that was, having someone understand you. I remember when i was with Liz, I said all she is, is someone who accepts me, and i can find that anywhere. It's been a long 7 or 8 months now. Not a single human being i've met truly accepts me.
Why do you say that? you've made friends with Endgame, edit, edit, and edit and edit
Yeah.. but that's only what they've seen of me you know?
I guess so. But what they seen of you is you isnt it?
Yeah. But i feel like i'm different when i'm not around people.
Are you?
I think so.
Well what makes you different?
the fact that i'm desperate for a girl. and that..
Your desperate for a girl?
Yeah I think I am.
But you don't want love?
No I don't think so. I think it's because of what love is affiliated to.
And what's love affiliated to?
Arguements, changing, nervousness, stress, anxiety, fears, wishes, dreams. It's broken my heart several times since X. And now i feel like a frail old man, a dried leaf in the wind. Barely gripping on to the street beneath it.
I think were done.
yeah.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
I got a call.. From Trono.
I'm not sure if i've ever written about him before. Trono. Hm. He's two years younger than me, i knew him way back when. When i was just slightly taller than my kitchen counter. We hung out. He was a lot like me, we said things at the same time and did things almost similar. Our similarities were numerous and we enjoyed exactly what one another did and everyone knew it. Heh.. One time we went out to get chinese with our friends including my cousin and his brother. We each opened our fortune cookies when we were finished and read them aloud. I read mine, something along the lines of "Keep your head up, looking at the ground won't help you where your going." Trono was after me to read his, he looked at it slightly glaring. Everyone was watching him and someone asked "what does it say?" He said "It's the same thing Our Protagonist had." Everyone laughed aloud and his brother said "No way! That's so weird you guys are like twins."
It was a lottery ticket matching numbers to the T.
He called me a few minutes ago. It was strange i never knew how awkward he sounded on the phone. He would say phrases like "good sir" and mention uncommon words not used in informal situations like "your capabilities" and "mental capacity." I asked him whats up like 3 or 4 times. He first said nothing and kept turning the subject onto me asking what i've been up to. I told him nothing, because i really couldn't think of anything. I wish i had something to say. We stuttered over each other to try and speak. But somewhere in the conversation far to many words from what's up, he mentioned what he was calling about. Indirectly at least. He said something like you know, "you shouldn't be depressed and all, it's all about being reasonable." I was shocked. How the fuck did he know i was being depressed at that exact moment he called? The last time i ever mentioned i was going crazy was maybe two weeks ago and it was only a slight inference. Before that months i told him about it. I don't know what he really meant by being reasonable, my fucking phone has to be put on a shitty speaker and the service in my room is like a tunnel. I do know we had another strange moment of similarity, he told me he was depressed too since he was 11, strange. He said it came from thinking, far to much into things. Thinking about why things are sad, and that it just made him more sad to think about it. I raised my voice speaking "I KNOW DUDE, i do exaclty the same thing, it fucking sucks." I'm glad he called. We said we'd hang out sometime next week. I hope i don't get fucking ADD'd into forgetting or get overwhelmed by ANXIETY to push it out of my mind. I realized i really needed people who i can truly be honest with desperately. I want to be depressed as a mother fucker around them so they can see what i'm going through.
It was a lottery ticket matching numbers to the T.
He called me a few minutes ago. It was strange i never knew how awkward he sounded on the phone. He would say phrases like "good sir" and mention uncommon words not used in informal situations like "your capabilities" and "mental capacity." I asked him whats up like 3 or 4 times. He first said nothing and kept turning the subject onto me asking what i've been up to. I told him nothing, because i really couldn't think of anything. I wish i had something to say. We stuttered over each other to try and speak. But somewhere in the conversation far to many words from what's up, he mentioned what he was calling about. Indirectly at least. He said something like you know, "you shouldn't be depressed and all, it's all about being reasonable." I was shocked. How the fuck did he know i was being depressed at that exact moment he called? The last time i ever mentioned i was going crazy was maybe two weeks ago and it was only a slight inference. Before that months i told him about it. I don't know what he really meant by being reasonable, my fucking phone has to be put on a shitty speaker and the service in my room is like a tunnel. I do know we had another strange moment of similarity, he told me he was depressed too since he was 11, strange. He said it came from thinking, far to much into things. Thinking about why things are sad, and that it just made him more sad to think about it. I raised my voice speaking "I KNOW DUDE, i do exaclty the same thing, it fucking sucks." I'm glad he called. We said we'd hang out sometime next week. I hope i don't get fucking ADD'd into forgetting or get overwhelmed by ANXIETY to push it out of my mind. I realized i really needed people who i can truly be honest with desperately. I want to be depressed as a mother fucker around them so they can see what i'm going through.
I want to make something beautiful
I want to inspire the world. I want to give people a warm feeling in their hearts, letting them know that.. Everything will be okay. No matter who you are, what you've done, or how you think. I want everyone to feel solace. That joy deep inside that feels like I've not felt in a while.
Letting Go.
I find myself believing that i don't let myself go.
I find myself being around friends living in my mind.
I find myself contemplating the next few moments of my life that always end up to be drastically far from the goals i've set.
I set an impossible goal for myself you know. I wanted to be a college kid. I wanted to get drunk with friends. Lots of people. I wanted to meet new girls and have them tell me i'm gorgeous. I wanted to make love to a girl i've just met, but only because she was as shy and insecure as i was. Because we didn't match as well to anyone else other than us in the room. I wanted to become bestfriends with my roomate. I wanted to stay out in our lounge on our floor. Say hey whats up man when they come in looking just as bored as I am. We'd all hang out in the dorm or with the window open shouting things to people passing by. We'd pull pranks on the people coming into the building. We'd go out to clubs and drink. We'd go crazy going at peoples house parties. We'd wear toga's and have our own inside jokes. we'd make a secret language only we knew. We'd learn something new from each other. I'd teach them the way to life, the way of morality. The good in being and doing good. How to help others who are down because of bullshit. I wanted that. I wanted all of that.
I want people I can rely on. People who know me for me, know my goals and help me achieve them.
I want to be accepted. I want a girl to love me as much as i love them.
Oh god i'm so fucking broken. I say i want this and that, but you know what? I can't have that shit, and it's all i can think about. I don't know what i want from life. And it kills me.
I wake up every fucking day, sad. Sad as a motherfucker. WHY? IS IT BECAUSE OF X? IS IT BECAUSE I CHOSE TO DO THE RIGHT THING? IS IT BECAUSE I HAVE NO SENSE OF WORTH? IS IT BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A VIDEOGAME TO KEEP MYSELF OCCUPIED? BECAUSE I'VE WATCHED EVERY FUCKING PROGRAM ON TELEVISION? BECAUSE I'VE GROWN SICK OF STRANGERS AND ANXIETY?
Fuck The Fucking World.
You know what I really want? More Fucking Tuesday.
I find myself being around friends living in my mind.
I find myself contemplating the next few moments of my life that always end up to be drastically far from the goals i've set.
I set an impossible goal for myself you know. I wanted to be a college kid. I wanted to get drunk with friends. Lots of people. I wanted to meet new girls and have them tell me i'm gorgeous. I wanted to make love to a girl i've just met, but only because she was as shy and insecure as i was. Because we didn't match as well to anyone else other than us in the room. I wanted to become bestfriends with my roomate. I wanted to stay out in our lounge on our floor. Say hey whats up man when they come in looking just as bored as I am. We'd all hang out in the dorm or with the window open shouting things to people passing by. We'd pull pranks on the people coming into the building. We'd go out to clubs and drink. We'd go crazy going at peoples house parties. We'd wear toga's and have our own inside jokes. we'd make a secret language only we knew. We'd learn something new from each other. I'd teach them the way to life, the way of morality. The good in being and doing good. How to help others who are down because of bullshit. I wanted that. I wanted all of that.
I want people I can rely on. People who know me for me, know my goals and help me achieve them.
I want to be accepted. I want a girl to love me as much as i love them.
Oh god i'm so fucking broken. I say i want this and that, but you know what? I can't have that shit, and it's all i can think about. I don't know what i want from life. And it kills me.
I wake up every fucking day, sad. Sad as a motherfucker. WHY? IS IT BECAUSE OF X? IS IT BECAUSE I CHOSE TO DO THE RIGHT THING? IS IT BECAUSE I HAVE NO SENSE OF WORTH? IS IT BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A VIDEOGAME TO KEEP MYSELF OCCUPIED? BECAUSE I'VE WATCHED EVERY FUCKING PROGRAM ON TELEVISION? BECAUSE I'VE GROWN SICK OF STRANGERS AND ANXIETY?
Fuck The Fucking World.
You know what I really want? More Fucking Tuesday.
Friday, June 10, 2011
I feel great. Thanks Tuesday.
I got a shot of depression again. I thought of something that hurt and my mind completely darted off to focus on the emotion. Than i tried to look back at what hurt me, I couldn't. It was like having taken that presumptive extra step on stairs that makes you stumble. Except when you look back, you see the extra step was there. You know you used it, but now your questioning why it felt like you didn't.
That makes me think I'm crazy. I feel like I should start believing in God again.
I got a shot of depression again. I thought of something that hurt and my mind completely darted off to focus on the emotion. Than i tried to look back at what hurt me, I couldn't. It was like having taken that presumptive extra step on stairs that makes you stumble. Except when you look back, you see the extra step was there. You know you used it, but now your questioning why it felt like you didn't.
That makes me think I'm crazy. I feel like I should start believing in God again.
Sorry, I'm high again, I got depressed.
when you find you cannot do something, and become saddened. remember, don't be saddened, it makes no sense to. Erase the memory.. Don't remember it. It holds no worth or use to you.
Is how feel controlled by personal choice?
Or is how we feel controlled by thoughts?
Its not controlled by personal choice. It's controlled by beliefs and experiences.
SO,
do things that make you happy.
Don't hold onto things that make you sad.
if you search for something happy and become sad, don't hold onto it.
it serves no purpose!
Is how feel controlled by personal choice?
Or is how we feel controlled by thoughts?
Its not controlled by personal choice. It's controlled by beliefs and experiences.
SO,
do things that make you happy.
Don't hold onto things that make you sad.
if you search for something happy and become sad, don't hold onto it.
it serves no purpose!
- Snip
Do you know when to cut the cord?
That holds us to things dear.
do you think of everything you lose?
when everything shadows in fear
think.
that you'll never love again
that everyone you meet will be someone that's anyone
just. no one.
That holds us to things dear.
do you think of everything you lose?
when everything shadows in fear
think.
that you'll never love again
that everyone you meet will be someone that's anyone
just. no one.
Monday, June 6, 2011
I want to say, well shit, tons of things.
It's a little hot in my room and i'm tired, so i'll be erratic.
My eyes are very itchy. I think i may have allergies going on. These fucking jeans are killing me, I need to break free.
Much better. Or at least i thought it'd be. I think i'm going to take a shower after i finish this. I'll be dead for sure when i come out.
You know, theres only 37 minutes until Tuesday. And I don't think it'll be coming on any time soon.
Fuck writing.
My eyes are very itchy. I think i may have allergies going on. These fucking jeans are killing me, I need to break free.
Much better. Or at least i thought it'd be. I think i'm going to take a shower after i finish this. I'll be dead for sure when i come out.
You know, theres only 37 minutes until Tuesday. And I don't think it'll be coming on any time soon.
Fuck writing.
"Sleep on That."
A gust of intimacy, from the plastic applicators which send electronic information in the form of binary. The way it stings, it's something that's become numb. Like the constant flow of water falling on your hand underneath it. I think of sticking my hand out my car window; No matter how much you try to fight the wind, it's still there pushing. Spiteful, yet beautiful--The fucking song just came on Pandora. The first few notes remind me of the sound of you hawking spit. Guns will always fire. They were meant to. But we have a choice, where we point them, and how we use them. In anger, in solace. Know where you point that gun of yours. I continue to grind, the blade of mine. the sweat brims my brow. The sparks scorch my skin. I don't lose focus, I only gain skill.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Very Quickly
The battle seems to be never ending. A fucking great fight to be fought everyday. I hope, that I can win this war. At it's root, is the loss of acceptance. The feeling of uncertainty. X gave me the opposite feeling everyday, Africa stole my feeling of confidence and sanctity.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Glass of Water
So when I laid to rest last night, I was okay. But I had that huge wave of depression come back out of no where. It greeted me this morning. I was out of it. My eyes didn't want to open. I felt like never getting up. I felt like giving up. Giving up on life. Meeting people, doing what makes me happy. It was funny, I couldn't even think what makes me happy. I thought of all the people I wanted to talk to and how i wanted them to love me. I had a horrible feeling in my gut saying they never would. I turned in the bed feeling my sore muscles from yesterday. the ache and depression were a perfect match. I sat there, writhing. It was the worst I've ever felt the depression. I think my mind is getting loose. The nuts and bolts are becoming strewn.
Laying there, with my eyes open, I felt a thousand different emotions of sadness. Despair, agony, defeat, loss, mourning, falling, failing. I've lived a nightmare. It wasn't of what many people describe. Seeing or experiencing events that scare them. Imagining things that hurt them, or make them sad. It was just pure emotion. Unconnected to thought and the outside world.
When I inexplicably decided to stand up despite the emotion, the depression went away. I was confused. Scared. Still recovering from what I was going through. I stood there, standing. Looking into the wall of my room which I did not perceive. I look at the bed and thought of the mental hell laying down. I looked at myself, standing, feeling fine.
I was lost.
All I could
think of
was a glass
of water.
Laying there, with my eyes open, I felt a thousand different emotions of sadness. Despair, agony, defeat, loss, mourning, falling, failing. I've lived a nightmare. It wasn't of what many people describe. Seeing or experiencing events that scare them. Imagining things that hurt them, or make them sad. It was just pure emotion. Unconnected to thought and the outside world.
When I inexplicably decided to stand up despite the emotion, the depression went away. I was confused. Scared. Still recovering from what I was going through. I stood there, standing. Looking into the wall of my room which I did not perceive. I look at the bed and thought of the mental hell laying down. I looked at myself, standing, feeling fine.
I was lost.
All I could
think of
was a glass
of water.
Distortion of mind
The music. It takes the pain away. The fears, the regrets. It leaves me empty. Which is where i want to be. Take with your passing, all the things that need to be taken. Leave me bare, standing. I'm afraid of the future, because i believe in it. The fears will come once again, the pain with it. Each day i feel it grows stronger, but the music, it saves me.
I still love this photo.
how long will we hold on
to what makes us us
the fucking ladder of life
we can only climb so far
before we fall
to what makes us us
the fucking ladder of life
we can only climb so far
before we fall
1:00 AM
Fucking huge wave of depression out of no where. I'm starting to think it's something physiological.
I don't know what to right about.
The trickiest thing about writing to me is that you have to group and place each topic and idea into paragraphs for clarity. It loosens the thickness of a liquid to read purely organized thoughts.
I laid in bed the last hour and found that nothing could keep my mind from being quelled. I rummaged through the bottom shelf of my dresser because my bed lay next to it now. I saw a pack of razors and laughed. I pulled a wooden elephant that X got from a christmas secret santa. I found the old original world of warcraft cd sleeves and thought of GreenLatern and I having a good time. I opened an empty watch container my mum picked up from our neighbors garage sale. I used to keep the one present my father gave to me in it, a silver seiko watch. Inside it were canadian coins from a ski trip me and X went on as well as some bracelets made in the philippines my now schizophrenic aunt gave me.
I wrestled with the blanket, pillows, and mattress to muzzle my thoughts. The light of the tv glistened with the low volume of Scott Pilgrim. I love the movie, but I found it to make me depressed. That I don't have a Romona. The social interaction between all the characters makes me feel like a failure. it's a movie i know, but, i guess i take it to heart. I feel I should be like them, but i'm not. That makes me think that my subconscious mind is dull. It isn't as sharp as it used to be.
I just looked at my Facebook. God Damn I am a hypersensitive pussy. X's best friend "liked" my link. It was of Tuesday's song which I keep playing over and over. I'm not sure if X's best friend is still her best friend, but hey they're still whatever. I instantly thought of messaging her saying "hey what's up?" but. well, you know me.
I'll call her Paige. Paige found me attractive back then. When I was still with X. She was one of those people who didn't seem to put much worth in others. Not in the sense that she was a bitch, but in the sense that she just.. spoke from her inner-self without consideration. She called me the best boyfriend ever once if i recall right. She's very attractive in my mind. She's very smart and I love a smart girl. She'd never get with me, well because she's X's semi-bestfriend. I'm trying to put a finger down trying to figure out who she is. How she works. God damn i'm so analytical. She invites everyone without a care if they decline to her parties. She's easily persuaded by attraction. I don't think she knows what she wants in life. I know she's very determined in her studies.
Update: I realize now that Paige is just flesh and bone, a zombie walking the earth. Her words and actions mean nothing.
I feel like tearing a wall down. Burning something. grabbing the banister of a flight of stairs and tossing it to the ground.
My emotions seemed to have shifted since i started writing with subtle discrepancies. I feel like I may write forever.
It's funny, before the huge wave of depression. I had a talk with my friend i'll call Ireland. She's one of the trio of my nursing group. We talked about relationships, and well, she made me feel great. She gave me insight to the world of relationships from a different point of view. I felt really grateful after we spoke. We ran 3 miles at a park together. Ireland is in a relationship. So i won't be after her.
Ireland's relationship life: When she was 15 she met Boyfriend1, he stalked her wrote her a note about saying how he felt. They went out for 3 years. She broke up with him when they went to college. She met Boyfriend2, not yet in a relationship in college. She had a fling or thing with him but it was short lived. She transferred back to new jersey and went back into the relationship. They dated for another 3 years. She broke up with him because Boyfriend 2 came in to her work a couple of times telling her how he felt about her. She never let go of him when she transferred out of college. She broke up with Boyfriend1 again, and went after Boyfriend 2. Boyfriend2 chickened out, and she went back to Boyfriend1. Boyfriend 2 repeated the process visiting her at work saying he messed up. She broke up with Boyfriend1 for good now, she told me. And now she's been dating Boyfriend2 for 2 months. She says it's all good.
I opened up relationship talk by saying:
"Ireland, how the fuck do relationships work."
We talked about several aspects, it ended on one i really wanted to discuss further, but the park ranger told us they were closing the gates. I told her my expectations of a relationship. It's funny because i haven't really thought about it all. I really should have. I told her what i wanted was basically what i wanted with X. I expected to see her everyday. And never spend a moment where i hated being with her. She seemed somewhat shocked, because when i asked her how much time she spent with her boyfriends, she said every other day with boyfriend1 and boyfriend2 she only sees on the weekends because he lives in the city.
I'd keep writing, but duty calls.
duty breaks.
When I left the park, I had such a strong feeling of completion. I imagine it was the high from running. I felt fulfilled. I felt like everything was going to be okay again for the first time in a long time. IT felt great. But needless to say, when i got home i was in that dumb shit of a feeling yet again. I questioned if it was the food I engorged myself with when i arrived at my cousin's house. I ate a chicken salad wrap i made for lunch and drank 2 glasses of milk. around 500 cal. we then went to mcdonalds because he was hungry. cheeseburger minus the disgusting pickle, and a medium chocolate milkshake. 1000 cal. all in all 1,500 cal. Good. I need to gain some weight.
I've lost my train of focus. Tuesday, you suck :]. I'll write another night.
I don't know what to right about.
The trickiest thing about writing to me is that you have to group and place each topic and idea into paragraphs for clarity. It loosens the thickness of a liquid to read purely organized thoughts.
I laid in bed the last hour and found that nothing could keep my mind from being quelled. I rummaged through the bottom shelf of my dresser because my bed lay next to it now. I saw a pack of razors and laughed. I pulled a wooden elephant that X got from a christmas secret santa. I found the old original world of warcraft cd sleeves and thought of GreenLatern and I having a good time. I opened an empty watch container my mum picked up from our neighbors garage sale. I used to keep the one present my father gave to me in it, a silver seiko watch. Inside it were canadian coins from a ski trip me and X went on as well as some bracelets made in the philippines my now schizophrenic aunt gave me.
I wrestled with the blanket, pillows, and mattress to muzzle my thoughts. The light of the tv glistened with the low volume of Scott Pilgrim. I love the movie, but I found it to make me depressed. That I don't have a Romona. The social interaction between all the characters makes me feel like a failure. it's a movie i know, but, i guess i take it to heart. I feel I should be like them, but i'm not. That makes me think that my subconscious mind is dull. It isn't as sharp as it used to be.
I just looked at my Facebook. God Damn I am a hypersensitive pussy. X's best friend "liked" my link. It was of Tuesday's song which I keep playing over and over. I'm not sure if X's best friend is still her best friend, but hey they're still whatever. I instantly thought of messaging her saying "hey what's up?" but. well, you know me.
I'll call her Paige. Paige found me attractive back then. When I was still with X. She was one of those people who didn't seem to put much worth in others. Not in the sense that she was a bitch, but in the sense that she just.. spoke from her inner-self without consideration. She called me the best boyfriend ever once if i recall right. She's very attractive in my mind. She's very smart and I love a smart girl. She'd never get with me, well because she's X's semi-bestfriend. I'm trying to put a finger down trying to figure out who she is. How she works. God damn i'm so analytical. She invites everyone without a care if they decline to her parties. She's easily persuaded by attraction. I don't think she knows what she wants in life. I know she's very determined in her studies.
Update: I realize now that Paige is just flesh and bone, a zombie walking the earth. Her words and actions mean nothing.
I feel like tearing a wall down. Burning something. grabbing the banister of a flight of stairs and tossing it to the ground.
My emotions seemed to have shifted since i started writing with subtle discrepancies. I feel like I may write forever.
It's funny, before the huge wave of depression. I had a talk with my friend i'll call Ireland. She's one of the trio of my nursing group. We talked about relationships, and well, she made me feel great. She gave me insight to the world of relationships from a different point of view. I felt really grateful after we spoke. We ran 3 miles at a park together. Ireland is in a relationship. So i won't be after her.
Ireland's relationship life: When she was 15 she met Boyfriend1, he stalked her wrote her a note about saying how he felt. They went out for 3 years. She broke up with him when they went to college. She met Boyfriend2, not yet in a relationship in college. She had a fling or thing with him but it was short lived. She transferred back to new jersey and went back into the relationship. They dated for another 3 years. She broke up with him because Boyfriend 2 came in to her work a couple of times telling her how he felt about her. She never let go of him when she transferred out of college. She broke up with Boyfriend1 again, and went after Boyfriend 2. Boyfriend2 chickened out, and she went back to Boyfriend1. Boyfriend 2 repeated the process visiting her at work saying he messed up. She broke up with Boyfriend1 for good now, she told me. And now she's been dating Boyfriend2 for 2 months. She says it's all good.
I opened up relationship talk by saying:
"Ireland, how the fuck do relationships work."
We talked about several aspects, it ended on one i really wanted to discuss further, but the park ranger told us they were closing the gates. I told her my expectations of a relationship. It's funny because i haven't really thought about it all. I really should have. I told her what i wanted was basically what i wanted with X. I expected to see her everyday. And never spend a moment where i hated being with her. She seemed somewhat shocked, because when i asked her how much time she spent with her boyfriends, she said every other day with boyfriend1 and boyfriend2 she only sees on the weekends because he lives in the city.
I'd keep writing, but duty calls.
duty breaks.
When I left the park, I had such a strong feeling of completion. I imagine it was the high from running. I felt fulfilled. I felt like everything was going to be okay again for the first time in a long time. IT felt great. But needless to say, when i got home i was in that dumb shit of a feeling yet again. I questioned if it was the food I engorged myself with when i arrived at my cousin's house. I ate a chicken salad wrap i made for lunch and drank 2 glasses of milk. around 500 cal. we then went to mcdonalds because he was hungry. cheeseburger minus the disgusting pickle, and a medium chocolate milkshake. 1000 cal. all in all 1,500 cal. Good. I need to gain some weight.
I've lost my train of focus. Tuesday, you suck :]. I'll write another night.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
She signed off.
As my mind fills with disappointment and a hatred for myself, I must remember. There are no failures, only outcomes.
I see her.
I'm not sure if I've given this girl a name yet, but if I haven't, I'll call her Russia. Russia's from the same town as me. We both go to chemistry class. She's pretty young, (18.) and I can't help but try to be with every girl I meet. So yeah, I've got a target. She isn't HOT, but she's very cute. I like her personality, but her body isn't everything I could dream of. A couple major things I dislike about her: She watches the disney channel, she loves animals and wants to be a veterinarian.
Now if you read my blogs about the other girls, you'd realize there's a pattern forming with the exception of Kryptonite. 2nd regret: Africa - Vegan, Loves animals, Watches disney, Watches over puppies for sale. Fearless - LOVES animals in general, Watches disney. Princess - loves animals, wanted to be a veterinarian, owns and rides horses. Georgia and Stars don't really count for this because I've never really gotten close to them.
Now what do those things mean to me? Someone who deeply loves animals? X, used to love animals. X, used to ride horses. X, cared about animals so much she was vegetarian.And well about disney channel.. It was our last argument that set me off the edge. Not to mention it felt like it molded her personality.
(it was late at night, and i really wanted to sleep. The Jonas brother's was on. I couldn't tone out the background laughter. The pg-7 jokes about how one of the brothers thinks he's "all that" but the other two are contrastingly judging him because he's normal. The disney channel is fucking torture.
"Can you turn that off please?"
she spoke in a short tempered manner.
"No."
"At least change the fucking channel."
"Why?"
"It's the fucking disney channel it's meant for kids."
"SO, I like it."
"It's just really fucking irritating just change the fucking channel anything but this."
"Well, why is it irritating?"
my voice raised, but I couldn't feel it. I didn't realize until thinking now, that my face was crumpled; filled with anger and belligerence.
"JUST FUCKING CHANGE IT!"
"FINE."
she shut the tv off, and turned around.
I turned the opposite direction, filled with fire to pull the trigger.
I broke up with her the next day.
...I suddenly miss )
I don't want to take a step back into something I already had.
Russia, seems like she's in her own world. So busy with her friends. But it's understandable because she just came back from college for the summer. I caught her staring at me twice last week. Yesterday when I spoke to her, she was very fidgety. The anxiety seems to cut through her like butter. Does she like me? I want to say, probably.
It's what I want. Her to like me. But I have my doubts. I see her now, on facebook as online in the messenger. I'm greatly tempted to ask her if she wants to hang out or do something.
Or even just to say hey.
Now if you read my blogs about the other girls, you'd realize there's a pattern forming with the exception of Kryptonite. 2nd regret: Africa - Vegan, Loves animals, Watches disney, Watches over puppies for sale. Fearless - LOVES animals in general, Watches disney. Princess - loves animals, wanted to be a veterinarian, owns and rides horses. Georgia and Stars don't really count for this because I've never really gotten close to them.
Now what do those things mean to me? Someone who deeply loves animals? X, used to love animals. X, used to ride horses. X, cared about animals so much she was vegetarian.And well about disney channel.. It was our last argument that set me off the edge. Not to mention it felt like it molded her personality.
(it was late at night, and i really wanted to sleep. The Jonas brother's was on. I couldn't tone out the background laughter. The pg-7 jokes about how one of the brothers thinks he's "all that" but the other two are contrastingly judging him because he's normal. The disney channel is fucking torture.
"Can you turn that off please?"
she spoke in a short tempered manner.
"No."
"At least change the fucking channel."
"Why?"
"It's the fucking disney channel it's meant for kids."
"SO, I like it."
"It's just really fucking irritating just change the fucking channel anything but this."
"Well, why is it irritating?"
my voice raised, but I couldn't feel it. I didn't realize until thinking now, that my face was crumpled; filled with anger and belligerence.
"JUST FUCKING CHANGE IT!"
"FINE."
she shut the tv off, and turned around.
I turned the opposite direction, filled with fire to pull the trigger.
I broke up with her the next day.
I don't want to take a step back into something I already had.
Russia, seems like she's in her own world. So busy with her friends. But it's understandable because she just came back from college for the summer. I caught her staring at me twice last week. Yesterday when I spoke to her, she was very fidgety. The anxiety seems to cut through her like butter. Does she like me? I want to say, probably.
It's what I want. Her to like me. But I have my doubts. I see her now, on facebook as online in the messenger. I'm greatly tempted to ask her if she wants to hang out or do something.
Or even just to say hey.
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