Care-bear land Aint so Pretty.

Just wanted to say that Care-bear's girlfriend is a bitch and he needs to open his eyes and realize that she inst worth it.

1. She hates all the decisions he makes
2. She points out all his flaws blatantly
3. She had a 10 minute conversation telling me how i'm hot In front of him
4. She constantly called him a pussy/pansy/bitch
5. She made fun of the size of his dick in front of him

Bitch no?

Care-bear there's better. Love little or love cautiously.

Regrets Are What Makes Life Worth Living.

Ammunition: 3 shots Vodka, 1 shot tequila, 2 rolling rocks, and an 8oz bottle of cheap vodka.

I went out last night with Care-bear and his girlfriend Zohana. Care-bear and I go way back to the dark days of high school. We were both outcast-ed losers from the crowds of normal people. Never going to parties and staying in to bleach our skin in fear of the sun; our hands were the only moving part of our body for hours.

I danced with some Hispanic girl/lady. She definitely seemed old. First time I've danced willingly without having someone force me and it was the most gut wrenching thing in the world. I felt completely awkward and stupid, thank god for all the alcohol. It was nuts.

Excuse the lack of effort and emotion writing, I'm [drained.] Whatever that means. Here's Why!

Txt Massages. Mmm massages.

Africa: Hey.. I have something to talk to you about. The night you came out with me and my friends you decided to tell them we "make out all the time." I'm sure you said it cause you were drunk but I am a private person. I do not like people to know my business and for you to tell my friends is wrong. There was no reason at all for that. I would appreciate you not doing it again. Hope you understand where I am coming from.


Me: I didn't say all the time i said we made out a couple of times and I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that.. You're completely right and i won't say it again... I really should have thought about it first and considered how you felt about it.. It was a complete douche move and I hope I didn't fuck up anything.


Africa: It just makes me feel uncomfortable bringing you around my friends... Like I was introducing you to people who are close to me and you did that. Its just truly doesnt make sense to me why that would have been brought up. I thought we were friends and friends wouldn't do that idk.


Me: It was weird how it brought up.. And we are friends but I was a dumb drunken douchebag and i'm sorry about making things uncomfortable. And it's alright if you don't want to be friends with me i'd understand


Africa: I just would really appreciate if you never do that again.


Me: I won't

Hahahah. Kanye West - Runaway just turned onto my pandora.
I digress.

So all of my words were half felt. I really meant everything I said but I don't really care what I said. I will live up to my word and all but.. I don't know. It's just like the way Jobro (My bestest) was telling me I was groveling like a little bitch. I felt like I didn't at first. But afterward I was angry I didn't deacon effect her. (YOU NEED TO DROP HER YOU DUMB FUCK.) I just reread everything and I completely think my words were appropriate.

But there's something weird about the way I spoke, I just didn't care. Its like I'm debasing my self in words to her, but I'm not on the inside. I'm capping myself. I'm not thinking about a topic that could change my thought processes. I love the way I speak and deal with problems like that. I don't want to change that. But am I okay with living a lie and not knowing the truth?

I press truth.

I didn't have feeling in my words because i don't care about her because she hurt me. But i tell her what she wants to hear and be what she wants me to be because i want it to be okay between us and i hate it when people are upset.

Phew I thought there was a flaw in my personality that could have changed the way i viewed people forever! Awesomeness.

Hm lost in thought.

Conclusive Crazy Talk:

Are you over Africa?

Pretty much if i have someone else

So that's no.

I guess so.

Why do you guess?

I only said it because I'm having trouble accepting the fact.

You're drained, you can't feel emotions right now.

You're right. I don't know how to end this post.

How about Happy New Years?

Happy New Years

The Deacon Effect?

I can't find this article but I need to read it. I hear it's about how being an asshole get's you girls. Which I really really fucking despise but it has to hold some truth. It's bullshit and I will never treat a girl poorly. I need to know what is, how it's done, why it works, and hopefully not lose my faith in humanity.

Also met a girl at some local restaurant. She was a pretty cute waitress and I asked her if my gay friend and I made a good couple. She seemed to be interested in me laughing a little and my friends told me I'm drunk and out of my mind. She definitely gave me some extra eye contact after that. I'm punching my self in the head for not asking for her number or at least making another move. Ah well!

I'm still thinking of Africa and hoping I can be friends but I'm not sure if it'll work. I'm hoping that reading the Deacon Effect will help me put some sense into her head. Right now, I'm sure helping her fix her life isn't the best thing for me. It makes me afraid because I'd be stirring up the emotions I desperately try to extinguish and put behind me.

Recap: Since I've Started this Blog

I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. I'm afraid to write about her to find out who I am and to actually realize what I've done. But I don't feel any regret.

I fell hard for a girl named Kryptonite. She was a crazy party goer. I found out she lives outside her head. she doesn't think she just acts. It's beautiful.  I can't think of a girl who has more of an attractive personality, so much so I can't even handle it. She gave me a let's just be friends speech. Were just friends now and I'm actually okay with that. (because i don't think i could come to terms with her lifestyle and personality.)

I fell hard for a girl named Africa. She was a "down" to earth vegan hippie. She loves nerds and guys who talk about anything that shows intelligence. She can't let go of her ex who i'm sure has a girlfriend and i think is using her for self-appreciation. I think she cries every other night fighting to find out why he doesn't love her. She told me she likes me, but doesn't want to do anything about it. Her reasons: I need to find myself, your to good for me, I'm still in love with my ex, and my life is to complicated right now. It drove me on the lowest of lows of my life thus far.

Where I am now: Lost. Very, very, fucking lost. I think i'm still on the rebound of being in love with Africa. I can't find happiness yet again but i'm trying to power through it. I started talking to myself which i find hilarious but I honestly feel that it helps.

I still feel alone, not in the sense of relationships really. In the sense of I have no friends I can really confide in. I have one friend who I speak to, but he's got enough shit on his plate as well and I feel I've worn his support thin from frequently questioning every doubt in my mind.



New Years is just around the corner. I plan to be over Africa by then, grow a self-esteem, get balls of steel, live with an undoubted confidence.

Just woke up.

I will not speak to her, unless she speaks first. It's a start.

Okay so talk to me shit-face. Whats the matter now?

I feel like everything I say is misconnected. I'm fucking upset because i put so much effort and thought into my words and I feel like she doesn't even give a shit. and i've been doing it forever.

what do you mean misconnected?

I mean i try to make connections with her so we can relate.

Do you think you have to try so hard to relate with someone?

no..

How do you think she feels?

I can't really fucking tell she likes me sometimes and sometimes she doesnt.

Well why the fuck do you think she deserves you?

She doesn't.. I have no self-respect or idea of value. I am valueless.

Well guess what shitface theres your problem. Get some fucking value.

Easy for you to say.

No it's not that fucking hard. IT's just getting over your fears.

What the fuck do you think i'm afraid of?

You tell me asshole you don't want to accept it

I'm afraid of being alone.

You are alone. So what are you afraid of.

Being alone for a long time?

Born alone die alone.

I can't tell right now what i'm afraid of.

Well think deep mother fucker. Do you really like the way she is? Do you like her laugh? Do you like how she'll just blow you off when you have a different opinion? Do you like her pride when she says your wrong? Do you think that she's worth making you spend important times of your life sad and upset, instead of happy and fulfilled?

NO i don't like any of those things. At all.

Then step up, swallow the fucking horse pill, and get your ass out of this shithole. Stomp on the pedal and don't look back. Don't feel sorry, don't feel like she'll have a good idea, it's all about trying to get her to like you. Your done with this shit.-- Also do what makes you happy be it porn, video games, drawing, photography, talking to anyone, doing things for people, anything. Don't be worried about making a repertoire of personality traits that you think are awesome. Don't let some dumb girl's judgments change you. You are who you are, and that's all you can be.

why the hell do i have to talk to myself to figure out problems now??

you tell me.

No Woman No Cry.

Just wanted a post dedicated to the awesomeness of bob marley and this song.

No woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
No woman, no cry

Said said
Said I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown
Oba, ob-serving the hypocrites
As they would mingle with the good people we meet
Good friends we have had, oh good friends we've lost along the way
In this bright future you can't forget your past
So dry your tears I say

No woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
Oh my Little sister, don't she'd no tears
No woman, no cry

Said, said, said I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown
And then Georgie would make the fire light
Log wood burnin' through the night
Then we would cook corn meal porridge
Of which I'll share with you

My feet is my only carriage
So I've got to push on through
But while I'm gone...

Everything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright

No woman, no cry
No, no woman, no woman, no cry
Oh, little sister, don't she'd no tears
No woman, no cry

No woman, no woman, no woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
Oh, my little darlyn no she'd no tears
No woman, no cry, yeah
any sister no she'd no tears, no women no cry

After reading the lyrics I hope i have the same meaning he did in this song hah. I'm a little confused but whatever. I'll just take the meaning as the title no woman no cry.

2 Days Since I've Left Hell: ?th Regret; 5 Beers 1s of petrone and maybe something else..?

I wish I could say it's better out of the semester. Everyone always asked me what I was going to do when I got out, I had no response. I didn't want to be out of the semester. I have nothing outside of school. I need it because it brings everyone together. And I don't know how to be a friend outside of school. At least it feels that way.

Africa and me got a long well. After everything. I forgot where I left off. Probably where I said I was constantly falling in and out of love with her. Well, I thought that I was finally over her and stopped talking to her and I felt great. I avoided her at times and went to her at times. I think.. fuck I may have went to her more than avoided her. I think the only thing that was keeping me sane was lying to myself being a good friend to her to make her like me and become attracted to me. FUCK.. How can someone be so dumb and blind to lie to himself?  That's pretty embarrassing. But I do know for a fact I was becoming more comfortable by myself and not having her.

So now let me get to the night of the class. A couple of us from class went to some bar that was packed and blasting music. I've never really went to bars that much before.. Never had anyone to go with. So I got there first somehow. Ended up waiting like 35 minutes for anyone to show up.. Don't know how the fuck that happened but I looked like an ass standing there by myself for that entire time. My social anxiety was prettttyyy fucking intense, i past the parking lot twice because i was afraid to pull in. I knew it was valet parking and I just felt like I'd look like an ass somehow. like i'd pull in the wrong entrance, or they'd say something i didn't understand and then they'd all think of me as some dumb-shit loser. So after having sat on a side street in-front of some houses I just said fuck it i gotta do it eventually, grew a pair and went in and everything went fine..

So after the episode of just hanging around doing nothing for half a freggin hour the first person to show up was Africa. She seemed confused and didn't know what to do when we walked in together. I was confused because she was a bartender and was as lost as i was.. Eventually she pushed me to go find out how the hell to get a drink.. So I led the way, so confused, so anxious, anxiety blasting, so un-confident. GROW some fucking balls you pussy get direction and fucking stick to it and know why. It's not fucking rocket science. I pussed out finding an opening at the bar and Africa ordered drinks for us. Very fucking smooth Mr. suave. I went to the atm to grab some money and Africa's two friends she invited to come were on her like a pack of wolves by the time i turned around.

One of them stood tall about 6'4, older looking who i find out is 26 and married, I'll call him Tangent. He was what i would have been if I had stayed with my ex.

The other, a skinny kid self-confident for his nerdy attributes seemed to believe anything he said no matter how useless was worth a hundred dollars. Unfortunately I'd equate his words to no more entertaining than the history of tractors or accordions.

(I think I'm being spiteful because he likes Africa and I don't want to imagine someone having as much as a chance I do.)

I'll call him Brody. For some reason he just reminded me of the guy from the pianist.

So I started relaying the game in my head a hundred times over. It was the perfect setting. A 3 set with only 1 AMOG. I attempted to establish value by starting conversations. I asked how everyone knew each other and ended there. Fucking crashed and burned again, gotta read the entire book i guess haha. It was near impossible to do anything because the music was so loud it shattered any chance of communication farther than 3 inches.  Eventually, we decided to leave the bar to some other one that was more "chill" according to Tangent. At the instant we were leaving, The Trio showed up. 3 girls from my nursing class. They were already drunk by the time they got there, they seemed super fun and i kind of regret leaving the bar. One of the Trio had just broke up with her boyfriend and looked super upset that I was leaving, she gave me an exaggerated sad face and gave a limp goodbye with her hand. Wonder if we coulda hooked up.. ah well. Me, Africa, Tangent, and Brody all left for the other bar.

Fucking scary ass bar. About over a dozen people sitting there, slouched, outgrown beards, not a single one female, obviously, the jukebox was blasting screaming death metal, and the bartender looked like a skin head ready to break my face in with the baseball bat hidden under the bar. Everything in the bar was dark, dark stained wood and bland. The mirror behind the alcohol looked smudged from fingerprints and dirty hands. Brody came to me and said that his was there place, and that it was their bar of choice. A few of the intimidating gentlemen sporting tattoos on their neck and hands turned their heads over at us to size us up. I was pretty confused by the looks of Brody but it didn't seem like this was their crowd but hey whatever.  We ordered a couple of drinks and Africa's parents came by to drink along. Her father reminded me of Gomez from the Adams family but seemed like a pretty nice guy. Her mom I met already at our hospital seems very friendly and easy to get along with.

Me and Tangent started talking and I asked him how married life was. He made it pretty apparent he hated it. That it was nothing he expected and from what Africa told me, he flirts with other girls constantly but never gets their number. That would have been me, though I'd feel something more than guilty to be even flirting with girls.  He married her before he went out to be deployed. He was in the army and said that's the reason he got married. Married for 7 years.

Brody had a habit of making this wall between me and Africa. I'd constantly find himself interjecting his skinny body between us. He'd hang his elbow on the bar and put all of his weight on one leg. He looked like what nerd's like us would dream of acting like to a girl we don't know that we were trying to flirt with for the first time. He was being our ideal of smooth. I don't think he realized that it doesn't work like that when it's your friend who is not interested in you at all.

I jumped to the bathroom starting to feel that sweet drunken haze. I came back just to find Africa waiting for me. (My heart just skipped a beat writing that thinking I should message her.) She said that we were going to another bar and that she hated her drink and we switched chugged and left. It was just a friends thing. We walked and Bordy drove Africa's car. I drove mine, we went down the street somewhere I don't know how and parked somewhere me over reving like crazy because manuals are awesome. We go into a better looking bar and i'm already close to getting drunk drunk and ordered another beer.

Brody divided Africa yet again and unfortunately there is no 1989 to his Berlin wall. It's hard to write at this point because it's just getting painful to think about. I'm going to scratch it out as best i can.

We drank, I found out Tangent loves philosophy. He talked him self to boredom. I listened intently but apparently he has no meaning behind his words, i think hes just wishing he could experience things he wants to. Everyone sang kareoke, africa asked if i would sing with her i said i would. She never came to get me. Brody, Tangent and I all stepped out to smoke and I asked Brody if he was into Africa. He spoke a very long winded response somehow turning into a question and  basically said he wouldnt tell, I asked Tangent earlier and he said without a doubt. I told him if you do than do something about it. Don't wait just go for it. Staying in limbo is a whole new hell. I told him we had a thing and we hooked up and i think he looked slightly distraught. I laughed inside my head. Africa tried to get me riled up like everyone else but I was out of it, In a place i didn't know, with people i barely knew, Africa being the only one i slightly knew and didn't want to speak to. It was a bad situation to be in, why did i go? Eventually we get back to our cars, Africa wanted me to stay over her house, I said i didn't want to because i knew i shouldn't on principle of getting the fuck over her, but i did.

She cooked some food for me got a water, and I took a drunken video of myself saying where i was and what was going on. I spilled the water and stared down hercat for as long as it took Africa to take a shower and puke hah. Eventually she realized that I was laying on the floor and she pointed me over to the guest room. I stopped in the bathroom to give myself a whirl at the toilet and emptied my stomach of what remainder of beer was left. I washed up stepped out and hear her crying and yelling.

She was on her phone talking with her ex. She was so upset and angry. Yelling at the top of her lungs "why don't you love me". She mentioned something about another girl. He sounded like he was un-phased. I wish I heard what he said so i could assess the situation better and create a solution. Eventually she hung up the phone and stepped out. I hugged her and she cried. She asked me why he doesn't love her. I said i don't know. She started holding my arm and her tears covered my hands and forearms. Eventually i think she became embarrassed of herself and didn't want me to see her or didn't want me to hold her and feel anything of her. I tried to come back to holding her and she gently stepped out of reach and put me on the bed. She asked if i needed anything else and went back to her room. I was still distraught and worried. Her cat came in the room and i pet it like i knew how cat's loved to be pet. right under their collar. Every cat loves that. The longer you scratch there the longer they'll be with you and want to be around you. Eventually I heard her crying and yelling again. I couldn't take it.. I came to her door knocking. I didn't know what to say i just wanted her to stop crying and being upset. I looked over to the cat on my bed and said that her cat was in my room. I kept knocking and i don't think she heard me. She kept talking and the cat walked out.. I didn't care i lied.. i said it was still in there and knocked even more and she told me to go away. fucking idiot you should have. she came out looked for the cat and she said it wasn't there. I tried to talk to her as soon as she found out the cat wasn't there.. she brushed me off and went back to her room. I sat in the bed for a while before falling asleep.

I woke up the next morning to her making me breakfast and my head still spinning and getting rid of the a buzz. Her brother drove me to my car and me and Africa hugged and she said see you soon. I tried desperately to make her laugh driving home txting her. She did. I was glad. Its the only thing that makes me truly happy right now. And that may be wrong for me to feel that way. But she should know this best, your heart doesn't agree or follow with whats right or wrong, it does what it pleases.


I hope this break is long enough to where I completely forget about how i feel for her. I doubted it the way i was going before writing this. Now I'm feeling better.



Kryptonite called me later in the afternoon, she asked if i could come with her to go Christmas shopping. I did. I'm not sure what she expects from me and I'm not sure why i went. Probably because i think she's gorgeous and has an awesome personality. I felt akward and didn't know what to do with myself. She's so self-sufficient it seems ridiculous. i'm jealous how she can be so happy and content with her life and how she doesn't spend that much time thinking. She just does.

It's time you met me.

Well I'm tired of being depressed like a fucking puss. Really am. Suicide was considered, but hey who hasn't.

To meet an end from a woman's simple kiss. I fear Africa had power far greater than Kryptonite. I don't really think I'll ever do it. Tuesday, is the last day I'll see her for a while. Recently she's been flirting with me consistently. I make advances only to stop half-shot. All my words and actions are bursting with energy to meet an invisible wall that makes them drop dead. I still wait on her every word. I looked at my jacket today in disgust after coming home pulling a black velvet curtain to the day i left behind my front door. It reminded me that i went outside, to school. Early in hopes of seeing her and spending time together. She asked what time I'd be there.  All my thoughts are on how to rouse her to make her irresistible to me.

She's happy with her boyfriend now

You don't know that.

Why don't you just get over her?

Easy for you to say.

What's holding you back?

If she asked me, do you still like me? i'd respond: does water still feel wet when it rains? does it still burn when you put your hand to fire? does the moon not chase the sun despite how much he dearly needs her warmth? Even when he floats in the dead of night, you can still that she reflects on him, in his thoughts and his skin.

You have no reason of liking her.

She's all I have that makes me happy.

Why?

Because i'm alone. I have no one.

Your still getting over your ex aren't you?

Maybe.

Do you want her back?

Not her, someone. Someone to understand me and be there for me.

Wasn't she?

Yeah

Then why wouldn't you want her? you know you can still have her.

Well, she wasn't enough for me. She could have been anyone. And I couldn't help but find myself falling for other girls. I couldn't be in the relationship and do that to her.

You realizing your talking to yourself right?

Yes.

Good.

It feels that way when I speak to you, me, whoever is consoling me.

Sated

Meaningless. Nothing has value, and i love it. I've never been so okay with a vast emptiness. a sweet release from all that has been keeping me down. To stay in that moment, so evaporated in mind, to be gaseous and have such a minuscule physical accountability.

I'm afraid Love has lost itself in my vocabulary. Strayed afar, I'm not sure if it's still insight. I've become melancholy for the vicious acts of debridement of heart and soul.

Motivation has returned. I want to create something beautiful. Do my best in everything. Become the greatest possible person I can be. To be the one that everyone admires. To be looked upon as a man above men. To show such kindness and understanding that I put even the greatest people in my shadow. To be calm in the times where all stand fearful. To achieve such heights that the countless can't perceive.

Fate I do not tempt you, I only show you my courage.

Picture I took:

Don't read this. I'm not thinking.

Emptyness. there is no next step. there is only the steps that could have been. I feel high. but i'm far from it. Let me leave these walls i've learned so well. I know every inch and every detail, fully memorized i see which path they each will lead; i see all possibilities, i see every tangent and dimension.

I want. completely nonjudgmental conversation. to empty my soul.

I remember when i used to dream, when i had ambition, when i had an unending motivation that just needed direction.


I loved this, i wrote it last winter.

             what it is                                                 
              wind crys winter                                         
          so i'll study forever,                                         
           and when i wake up                                        
        water is cold before wet.                                          
            life's a life.                                    
            live it, love it, and die already.

Yesterday was Beautiful, But I Forgot Today is the Beginning of Next Week.

I'm a broken record. I am a cell constantly going through the phases of mitosis.

I finally got over her. I really did. I had her out of my thoughts, out of my mind. Finally could find the use in things. The eclectic appreciation for every little thing bloomed graciously.

Then, of course, there she was. Yet again the cold steel of her methods hooked my heart. She didn't have to try hard to get me. I hate everything about her, her personality, her choices, her opinions. I hate everything that she lives for, I really can't think of a single reason why I want to be with her besides, well.. The need for someone, anyone.

I caught her looking at me today. It was a single missed step into what I realize now was a bear trap; the metal teeth were dense like an iron skillet, rusted to show it's potential ability to make all outlooks grave. But I loved it. I loved every second of it. The pain of her device is delayed. I'm expecting it to hit my brain, oh about, Friday.

She loves it too, but I know she won't accept it and follow where her eyes do.

When were in a room alone she jumps at every moment to leave. She's afraid of talking to me. Afraid of becoming so connected like we once were, afraid of picking up where we last left off.

I know what I need to do:
I gotta find some fucking self-respect and get the fuck out of this endless loop of bullshit. Realize that the only reason I'm so stuck on her is because I think there's a lack of options of my life. I can count 3 out of the 100 connections I could possibly have with her and it feels like it's something special. I need to get out, talk, make friends, and realize, the shit I put up with isn't meant to be. It's meant to be thrown out of line of the human species, to disregard the fuck ups and undesirable persons.

...darwinism

We've become motionless

Life has stopped. The brake lights have been lit for hours and the engine is cold. The battery is on it's last limbs keeping the lights on. The long road journeyed thus far seems to have hit a no outlet. This thousand mile stretch of tarmac has witnessed some of the most beautiful wonders in the world. And now it seems to end at a dumb-fuck suburban undeveloped culdesac.

Have you ever had the feeling that nothing new will happen to you? That you're stuck in the same place in time? That everyone you will meet will be no different than a breeze of the wind? The friends you have will be the same friends you will have for the rest of the life, or they will disappear resentfully.

Fuck you Africa. I want to be friends. Quit making this shit harder than it has to be.

I step out of my car to look at what should be an endless road. I step around my door, never once taking my eyes off this fucking disgrace of a point I've reached. Hands gripping the hairs on my head, I fucking begin to grieve.


What's got me held up?

Anxiety - i can't take the thought of hanging around new people.
Need for love - i don't really feel like i need it, but getting punched in the face with what could be is like a foot long 0 gauge fish hook in the cheek. That's a weekly occurance.
Friends - I'm losing one, the other blind as a bat. Can't see past his actions or think through his emotions. Acting out on anger, burnt black and jaded for the lack of answers.

I'm looking for acceptance.
I don't think me and Africa can be friends. She's to fucking ADHD and opinionated. I can't think of a time i needed friends more than now.  I'm pretty sure that's bending whats okay and whats not for who can be selected as friends.

The need for Africa is a fucking weekly occurrence. I'm so fucking sick of it. I've started to ignore her. I wish she fucking let her be her. I just want to fucking be me without her influence.

What i want to tell her.






I think i'm one of those incredibly dumb people who need someone in their life. Mainly because i have the lack of everyone right now.

I really want to be friends with you because I don't think I have any true friends anymore.

I can't tell you enough how I'm sick of this complicated shit and I wish you would just put up with it. You don't want to hear it. But when i mention it your a fucking moth to the flame. You're an asshole for not wanting to hear whats got me sick. What's put a fucking 10 ton brick on my brake. I'm afraid to tell you what's up with me because you hate me for it. So if you fucking hate me, hate me. Stay the fuck away from me. Avoid me. I can't take you.


You don't even fucking really know me. You don't. You won't even give it a fucking chance. You won't even just spend a real moment with me to figure it out. To find out who and what I really am. I can't fucking think of what that makes you, but goddammit I'm fucking sure as hell I really really need to.

The Game Has it Right.

First a word of love.

"...love isnt like that. it's a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes it stays for life; other times it stays fora second, a day, a month, or a year. So don't fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don't be surprised when it leaves, either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it." - The Game

That being said. I've made an oath to myself. Speak to every cute girl that approaches. Not with a goal of getting together and making something out of it. But to experience what it's like. To improve myself and grow myself a pair.


So went out on the night with Boken and A. Originally we had no intentions of "sarging" but i've been sick of my life recently. I want to be fearless. I want to be able to do anything and not care what so ever of it's consequences. You only live once. Don't put a limit on what it has to give you. I worked like a machine. I began to compute random openers, step by step lines, and focused on keeping myself undercontrol. Really the first night that i've been out actually looking for girls to talk to hah. Feel like i'm a prick a little bit but..  I don't know why. Ill continue laters.

I sent her a text at 5 in the morning.

5am
Why did you ask me what I was thinking the other night?

7am
Idk cause i always ask that question. Why?

Cause it fs me up.

ugh ok... there is nothing to make complicated in this situation anymore. i honestly dont know what you want me to say.

there kinda is and you don't need to say anything and trust me i'm sick of all this crap too

i dont think there is and if your sick of it why do you keep bringing it up? just leave it alone.

Cause it feels like i need to or else i just stay in uber fd up mode for the longest time. and there is... when you asked me what i was thinking we just stood there for a moment. I hesitated answering because I realized I really wanted to hear that. Everytime you say that, we talked about us, it was your way of finding out how I felt about you. And I had to go against what I wanted  to say and do so I turned away and asked why are you so curious and you immediately turned around and pouted and said fine I won't be curious anymore. You looked upset and angry at me and I panicked. It hurt because I'm an idiot and afraid to lose what I have for you. The complicated part was just the way you wanted to stand there and wait for something to happen, idk what. I guess I wanted you to question how I felt for you and I thought you did. The way you looked at me and turned around when I avoided the question made me feel that you still feel something for me.

you look to much into it... I just asked to ask and ill make sure i wont anymore. I look to you as a friend. thats it. and it wont take a long time to get over this. you just gotta start dating n u will move past what u think u feel for me.

Hope so but I don't know if it'll be as easy as it sounds.
8am

I hope this is the final act of Africa. I'm going to try my hardest to make it that way.

I Can't Stand.

What the hell has been going on the past couple weeks. fuck.

This is going to be centered on Africa. Yet a fucking gain.

Last i remember i said look i need to ignore you because i can't take being just friends.
Her response. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't know you felt that way. But okay.

She tells me like a week later she was angry at me not wanting to talk to her anymore and de-friend ed me on face book.

That bothered me, not the friend thing, the fact that she was angry at me. Hey fuck face you make me live in utter shit. You obviously didn't care about me as much as i cared about you. Why the hell are you angry? What do you want me to live in utter shit? do you want me to break my back trying to attain your love?

WHY CANT I FUCKING PUT THIS SHIT BEHIND ME.

it's fucking at the end of the day. Where i stand now?

I fucking care about her yet a fucking gain. A FUCKING GAIN.
-because i think she gives me signs that she still cares about me.

SHE asked ME. "What are you thinking?"




"What are you thinking?"


She stood there. Leaning on the corner of her jeep. I prolonged the moment. I just stared back at her. I know what I wanted to do. I wanted to fucking intervene. I wanted to fucking take off this mask, i want to be me. I want to be ME. I want to be who i feel like being. and i feel like i'm a hopeless romantic. HOPELESS. I feel like screaming my heart out. I feel like making a thousand origami hearts. She wanted it. She wanted me to be that. She wanted me to shout my love. She wanted me to make a move. She wanted me to come close. She wanted me to say that i needed her. THAN FUCKING LET IT BE. DUMP THE FUCKING LOVE FOR THAT DOUCHE.

I asked while smiling turning around and walking away, "Why are you so curious?"

She immediately said "Fine i won't be curious, bye." turned around and started opening her door.

I felt the pain of a bullet going through my heart. I was scared, i didn't want to lose her. i panicked . Asking why am i so curious are the words i so fucking desperately wait to hear every moment I'm with her.

I tried to recover.

"I never said i didn't want you to be." I'm not sure if she heard me.

If she asked me again, i'd say:

I'm fucking crazy. I'm dumb. I'm absolutely out of my frigging skull. I'm crazy about you. I'm dumb because i can't know any better. I'm absolutely out of my frigging skull because I'm not me anymore. I'm everything you want me to be. I'm a piece of clay waiting to be molded, I'm water without a container. Let me be what you want me to be.

WHY AM I SO FUCKING OVERWHELMINGLY IN "LOVE".

Desperate. Scratching at the inside of my coffin screaming at the top of my lungs. Begging on my knees before the cloud of judgment. Be mine.

I'm almost in tears. fucking pussy. thanksgiving week and i don't think a day's going to pass without me thinking about her.

I don't want to complicate things for her. So i can't talk to her. She asked to just be friends but if that's to much than shell ignore me. I need to bold that.

She asked to just be friends but if that's to much than shell ignore me.


Ill do one up, i'll quote shit. "If you want to be friends we can be friends. if you don't  than i'll leave you alone."

well you didn't fucking ignore me. You stared me down like a freak with an extra eye. You hated me yet you stare me down, you want to be friends, yet you give me that fucking look.

Today was shit, i feel like irreversible damage happened. I wasn't myself i was something fluctuating between giving you my best and treating you like nothing. (I can't just be a friend. I still cant. What the fuck.)  I feel like you don't like me as much as you used to. I think it's because you see me for how i really am sometimes. But i'm not like that.. i don't think.. i know i'm more smooth and connected. i have rhythm I find a wave length and adjust to it. Its just.. hard to be what is called for when i'm trying to be the greatest and worst person in the world hiding how i feel.


i'm running in circles. I'm going fucking complicate your life. I'm worth the time. i'm going to ask her in the middle of the night to show that this is a fucking bed of nails that i sleep on every night. That i bleed when i lay at rest every night. Your sick of complicated shit?

She Couldn't Wait to Call.

So today opened up with her cursing saying don't fucking tell me if you don't think its fucking important.

Then I shoot the trigger. Funny i was so happy this morning saying fuck everything.

Here's what ye olde text spat out.


"Look i'm sorry i made shit complicated and making you so upset. I just wanted to ask you to tell me that we'd never have a chance of being together. I wanted you to rip my guts out and tell me everything that's wrong with me that you and mina are going to be forever, everything that you love about him, and why you know you cant be with me. I want you to because i can't take being just friends right now. I'm a fucking mess when your not messaging me or around me. Knowing that i won't see you or even imagiing you wont be texting me in a day makes me so depressed it's not even funny. I can't fn take it. I feel so helpless. I need you to hate me and never talk to me because i don't think i can take not trying to be with you right now. Look i'm sorry i put you through this shit. I want you to be happy and i know if you have me in your life right now you won't be because i'm just going to fuck everything up."


"I really want to be just friends but i cant, not now."


"I'm really sorry i thought i could be but i started to feel everything again and yeah, what i said before."

Very fucking cut up and stupid of me. Goddamn i need to work on my writing skills via cellphone.


Curious as to what the fuck she'll say if anything.


What else did i want to say?

Well the whole look you tell me you want to be with no one right now and you need to be single. Yet you get back with your ex and try it out again. Well look, that's fucked up. And super hurtful coming from someone who says they care about me. The way you fucking acted just now, cursing at me like you never do. Fuck you. It's my god damned life too. You're insinuating your life is better than mine saying shit like that:

"I'm fucking done with complicated shit. If its not important enough to talk to me about now then don't fucking talk to me about it after the test. I don't want to know."

Bitch, if you don't fucking care about me enough to deal with us then say so. Just don't fucking put up with me then. Shut me the fuck out of your life. - Really important fact that i just realized. Maybe that's why I felt so good waking up this morning when she gave me shit last night.


She responds:

"There is nothing wrong with you and i'm sorry i had no idea you were feeling that way. (Really? fuck you, a legally blind elderly woman could have seen that in me.) and I'm sorry for putting you through this. I never wanted you to get hurt. Okay i get it and i'm sorry again. I would have never hung out with you if i knew this was gonna happen. I will leave you alone now. Sorry. and i do love Mina (good you too are fucking dumb enough to deserve one another. it just took me a while to realize it.) I don't think i'll ever be able to feel what i feel for him towards another person... which is why it would have not been fair to ever be with you. (Agreed least we hooked up. Swish.) I'm sorry again. i was not the right person for you and you will find her one day. i'm sorry for making you feel like this."

You want to know how the fuck i feel? I feel fucking liberated. I needed you to kill that part of me that desperately needed to be violently mutilated and it's head hoisted atop a pike.

I figure the only way well be friends is if we hang out and i tell you, your such a bitch! you should have fucking told me in the first place that you knew you would always have desperately wanted to be with Mina... no that wouldn't have been enough. I needed to see how much you depend on him in your life. To see that you'd throw your life out in the trash. To see how you handled problems with cursing and ignorance. To find out how you don't think things through logically. To see how you lose the moral of the story as soon as the show is over.

And whats our moral of the story of Africa?

The Cruelest thing you can ever do to someone, is have them deeply in love with you and say you love them, but never do.

Africa - - - 4 Beers, Jägermeister, Vodka; The Second Regret... 5 beers; The Third Regret.

I'll try to remember all of it as best i can.

Africa is this cute girl who i find unattractive at times. She's a complete hippie in my eyes almost. She's vegan and love mother nature. She dreams one day of going to Africa and helping the poor and hungry. She says it calls to her.

She yet again is another temptress of nursing class. (the last in my class as well)

We first went out for drinks after expressing her hate for nursing and wanting to quit but not being able to due to her parents threats of " do it, or i'll fucking kick you out of the house."

Originally we walked out of this long-term care center with our entire class saying who's up for drinks!? and no one responded except me and her.

I asked her "Still up for it?"

She responds "yeah sure!"

I'm not attracted to her or think about being in a relationship with her at all at this point.

We get a couple drinks and i find out who she is. Nothing really happens between us except i show my light weight disabilities. We end up staying in her car because she thinks I'm too drunk to drive home.

The game taught me something very important: To get the girl, you have to be ready to lose her at any moment.

We talk about just everything from tape on cats to music and I end up exploring her Jeep crawling around everywhere inside. I made her laugh so hard and i loved it. I still didn't want her to be in love with me as i am now. Eventually i sober up, she goes home telling me to text her when i get there to make sure I'm okay.  Leaving me to drive home, she smiles a wide smile and flickers her hand saying good bye.

Next time we drank, we went to a different bar talked about everything and firmly put out what kind of person i was. To the best of my abilities of course, i don't know who the fuck i am. If someone ever reads this and finds out: please tell me. She started to like me more and more which i loved. I started to become more inclined to be with her at the same time.

Who she is:

Bisexual, vegan, loves to exercise, loves food, loves movies, loves mother nature, wants to travel and is crazy about Disney world. Her realistic job is a holistic health care provider or nutritionist. Her dream job is owning a yoga studio and vegan restaurant.

The Second Regret.

Down the line about 4 beers. I make my fucking move.

Do you find me attractive?
Yes
Would you like to kiss me?
Yes.

We ended up at her jeep. I tell her I shouldn't. We don't. she really wanted to. She loved every moment we were experiencing of each other. She desperately wanted me to kiss her. Thinking backkk i should have. I just held her to keep her warm and she huddled around me like a cat begging for a good pet.

She was really into me and i fucking loved it. I felt little to no remorse.

The Third Regret.

Endgame, Showgirl, Africa and myself drinking at a bar after our test.

Were all sitting in a line, from left to right: Show girl, Africa, Myself, and Endgame. We get a couple shots in and i race africa in a chugging contest. She completely obliterates me. I called bull shit and we went 2 outta 3. She completely obliterates me yet again and I decided to inhale the last few ounces of beer into my lungs. I started coughing uncontrollably and tears come out of my eyes. Endgame is hysterical and took pictures to show everyone else in the nursing class.

We get drunker and drunker and apparently Africa was close to shitfaced but i didn't notice. All i felt was, Africa clawing deep into my leg like a wild tiger reaching ever so close to my pride and glory. Endgame is beating at my back like its a pinata on cinco de mayo telling me:

"FUCKING DO IT. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS."

I'm thinking this is fucking awesome. And eventually she came to me later waiting for me outside the bathroom. A couple drunk off balanced steps towards her and were sucking face. After a few seconds of kissing, I purposefully stop and look at her walking back towards the bar, leaving her unfulfilled making her want more. We talk for a little while and the wild tiger get's fucking ferocious on my leg. The pride and glory was singing the star spangled banner at it's best. We jump outside and proceed to do what was called for. A call that had to have been answered, it was a draft for war.

The rest of the night ended up being her flipping out eventually when we got in her car. Mind you I'm still that pussy nerd who has yet to learn the advances and tactics of the battlefield, so all we did was just make out. She ended up saying we shouldn't be doing this blah blah, I kiss her on the neck to make her regret every word and moment she wasn't spending on my lips and we ended the night regretfully saying good bye. Mine genuine, hers of hesitation and apprehension.

Preparation.

I'm about to talk to africa about everything i been keeping up inside.. I'm fucking scared.

it begun with txting.

"i need to ask you a favor like Wednesday or sometime after the test"
"i'll remind you.. lol"

After that she basically flipped and said thanks for bringing this shit up before the test.
tell me what you want to ask it's really going to bother me and mess with me so much you have no idea.

(I should note that's a very fucking undeserving statement. Bitch i'm in this fucking relationship between us too. I couldn't fucking think the whole damned weekend because of trying to be friends and you telling me that your trying again with your ex makes me want to fucking crash my car into a tree. Calm the fuck down. I can't fucking live in la-la land like you do and ignore who i am and what is going on outside my head. I'm telling you everything tonight and if you want me to fucking tell you then shut the fuck up and treat me with some god damned respect before i say fuck it why the hell should i tell you when your making me feel this way.)

Anyways. I plan to tell her tonight.

"Look what i wanted to ask you was to tell me that we'd never have a chance of coming together. I want you to rip my guts out and tell me everything that's wrong with me. Tell me that you and Mina are going to be forever. Tell me everything you love about him and why you know you can't be with me.

I can't take being friends so immediately.. I feel like I'm going fucking crazy when I'm not talking to you. When I'm not in your mind. When i don't feel your presence even when it's so little from texting. (I'm addicted yet a fucking gain)

I'm fucking yo-yoing back and forth like crazy. I know we should be friends but being so close just makes me never want to let go of what I'm feeling. I can't tell the difference between being a friend and being what i want to be for you.

It's like i don't even know why i feel this way i can't f'n explain it. I feel like we wouldn't be good for each other. I feel like your so opinionated and have things that you'll die for and know what you want to do in life and i'm the least opinionated person I've ever come to know and i haven't been more lost in my life than now. We deal with our lives completely different. I'm not sure if i can hold a conversation that could interest you or keep you entertained.

So please do me this favor and stab me in the chest, make it deep, and never talk to me again. I need you to put me through this pain because i don't think i can."

Fuck that makes me sound weak

Please tell me they'res other fish in the sea.

So where was I? oh yeah. FUCK Africa. She fucking tells me on the phone today she's going to try to be in a relationship again with her dumb fuck boyfriend who's most romantic moment is when he slits his wrists in the shape of a heart.

Want to know what this guy dubbed "dumb fuck" is worth in a relationship?

Never calls her when he says he will.
Takes hours to respond to any messages.
Can't get over fucking self-pity.
Depressed chronically.
Is never there for her.
Cant say i love you.
Can't give her support.
Puts thing's before her.
-"I can't be with you. I can't create art with you, I hate it."

God I wish people on this fucking earth were fucking worth something sometimes.

It's like having the most versatile tool that can give global peace, cure cancer, stop poverty, feed all the hungry, and legalize marijuana but you see it being used as a fucking door stopper.

THE FUCK.

Well this is definitely a lack of organization.

I intended to make the blog something with rules and a frame to portray bits of my life into. But it turns out I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just addicted to love.

So anyways straight to the emotional bullshit that we all go through.

The fuck. I care about nothing. I have little to no interests anymore. I just got this old camera repaired and been taking pictures. Can't muster the balls and get over the burden of being loveless to go outside to a place actually worth taking pictures. I started up facebook initially just because i wanted to hear Africa's opinion of the ex. She spat out two words and commented so vague it's so insignificant I can't remember.

Could I bare to be with Africa? I don't support half the shit she talks about. Hah... that should be enough shouldn't it.

Her beliefs:

1. Energy
2. Animal Rights/Veganism
3. Spiritualist in Mother Nature.
Before I light the flame thrower; I'm fucking cold, logical, and don't believe in BULLSHIT. I look at everything with open eyes and only believe what is concrete. Show me validated proof that can be consensually agreed upon from facts and not feelings.

My Opinions:

1. Energy
Her definition of energy: The feeling someone gives off.
My summation of energy: power(fuel) or ability to do something.

So it's not fucking energy. It's your goddamn response to the certain situation. It's chemical reactions of emotion. It's your f'n feelings. It's your anxiety. You wouldn't feel a bad "energy" when your flying a plane for the first time. You feel like your gonna fucking crash and kill everyone aboard. To everyone who uses the term "energy" when they describe meeting someone; you just re-fucking labeled the small sentence or description "that kid makes me feel ____."  And for what? To be different and make yourself feel cool because you think that you've discovered this completely unknown world unbeknown to the average day man, because you've seen a light so few have seen, because they are to enveloped in the real world and concerned with pointless things in life. Let me just say, personally, your fucking retarded. Swallow your fucking pride of not being able to feel special amongst everyone else and make something of your self so you have something that makes legitimately you feel that way.

I understand that the word energy can eventually be used to describe the feeling that people give. But for the purposes of feeling special, fuck you. Out of habit of hearing dumb fucks spread it around, whatever, were sheep.

2. Animal Rights/ Veganism

I'm a firm idealist in believing that all life is equal. Life being anything that is living. Meaning humans, animals, plants, ants, and amoebas. You're either living dead or something in between like a virus. So you can be white black or in the fucking gradient. Point being, there's things out in the world that give us energy, that we need to kill to live. Of course we can live off of plants and there is a natural indwelling feeling in some of us that feel bad for animals. But i think that's because they imitate our perceptions and feelings. If there was a plant that could wither and whimper when you yell at it and call it names, I guarantee that they're-ll be a group ready to protect it and fight for it's right to be whimper and wither free.

Believing that animals should be held at higher standards or lower standards all really depends on how you feel as an individual. There's no right or wrong. It all depends on your personal opinion and individual desire and satiety of understanding. If you have a part of you that can relate to animals and it makes you feel horrible knowing what they go through than by all means go vegan. If you don't really care and love to eat Fillet Mignon with a horse burger than go for it. Pleasure yourself in what way you wish. I don't really give a shit that Africa would never touch meat again, just don't tell me to hold up a sign and cut the fence of a farm!

3. Spritualist in Mother Nature.

It's impossible to disprove completely and absolutely fucking ridiculous ideas like the universe was created in the backseat of a car unfathomably resembling a 1967 Pontiac GTO by an underage girl in a town that once again unfathomably resembled buffalo, new york. It's just impossible. We're you there when the universe was created? No? Than shut the fuck up. So that being said, my chair has a spirit, the dust mites eating your skin have spirits and I guess mine is just far more bigger than theirs. Her ideas of spirits is solely her idea and i can be wrong. It just feels like it's ridiculous but logically, it shouldn't. It's just a far deep rooted opinion deriving from culture and experiences. What we define as funny, absurd and appropriate for creation has no meaning to the universe now does it?

So plant life, a dark medium gray on the gradient of life, has a special purpose and more predominant element to how things work on earth. I find it strange, and feel like it's almost comical but that saying that depresses me.. unfortunately this doesn't work out between us :[

I just feel like this is another one of those, I believe different because it makes me feel special to have my own unique ideas and i know better then most people because they are to preoccupied with meaningless things and blah blah blah.. Shit this is starting to really make me feel like shit typing like this.

--------

She really cares about me. I think, says she does, but doesn't want to be together. I don't think we should be. but god damnit I really want to be.

I think I'm sick:

I don't find her that attractive.
I don't agree with a lot of the stuff she believes in. I find it comical..

I love the challenge of making someone hopelessly be attracted to me.

I don't want to be in love right now.

I just want to experience relationships. I want to know what it's like to be with other people.

Self searching:

Why do i want to be with other people?
because i want to know what other people can give me.
I want to see if other people can give me what i give them.

Why do they deserve what i give them?
They don't. but you have to start somewhere don't you?

I'm super confused!
Yes you are.









What concerns you most right now?
Not talking to Africa, having her not message me, having her not care about me, having her think I'm weird, having her feel smothered, having her feel like she loves me.

I fucking love classical music.

I need to find myself. I thought I did. Now I'm feeling i don't know anymore.

I'm listening to yo-yo ma on Pandora. he's the shit. I completely broke off the rules i set for myself in this blog. But I have no one to talk to, so welcome to my life. I want to draw. I can't find something to. It's 10:26. only 34 minutes before 8 hours passes to sleep. Last night i only slept 5 hours.

I have a poor habit of sleeping when i need to. I feel like i'm missing something and that I can't sleep until I get it.

Suite for Cello in G1 just came on.. Song never gets old.

So what the fuck am i missing that keeps me up at night? Friends? Probably. I just want someone to fucking understand me. I feel like I have no friends right now that truly does. I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do. I need a fucking support network god damnit. I'll be there for you if your there for me.

I think that I see a girlfriend as a huge support in my life so that's probably why i want one so bad. But i guess that's taking the easy way out. I need to make friends. I really should take this acting class but all the sudden i'm feeling bitter towards it. I feel like what if i'm not up to par with everyone else. I could always drop and never see them again. That feels comforting knowing that. I'm also planning on taking guitar making next semester a 14 credit course.. i guess thats good. I know i can remember the script easy that they require you to remember. I just don't if i can act well.

Adaigo for a strings. Fuck can't listen to that, it'd bring me to near suicide. Super depressing song if you ever get to hear it.

FIRST read november 14th post "Africa ..."

i am heaven sent, don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me what's it like to have myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..


i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are,
with whoever they're there with.
this is war.
every line is about who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something they can't diagnose,
don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh it's so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
'cause you can't keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..


we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.


oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
we are entirely smooth.
we admit to the truth,
we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
and it's all from watching tv,
and from speeding up my breathing.
wouldn't stop if i could.
oh it hurts to be this good.
you're holding on to your grudge.
oh it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
oh, so let it go..


we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe..


we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.


this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason you're alone,
this is the rise and the fall.


we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe..


we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.

edit: The plan didn't work. i'm not fucking macguyver. We talked on the phone and she said
everything was a mistake. she needs to be alone.

it would have never worked out. I just really wanted it too. I was never fully attracted to her. I don't know if i could put up with her activist ways. I'm not sure if i could have took the anxiety of meeting her whole family. I could have turned vegetarian or even vegan if we lived together. I'd always eat meat if we were out or if i was with my family. I couldn't take the way she laughed sometimes. I don't know if i could have liked the things she loved. I don't know if that matters. I was always half on half off..

I have ways of predicting the future.

I texted her.

Active absorption is something that i can't explain. It's like something I've been dying to have for what seems like forever but i wonder if I'll ever have it. Like a boy running in a field with a toy plane always wishing he could be a pilot. One day he might, or become an astronaut.

Now you can take that two ways. I'm fucking crazy saying stupid shit for no reason. Or i was sub consciously asking her if i'll ever be with her or become something more:

What i want between us is something that I can't explain. it's like something I've been dying to have for what seems like forever but i wonder if well ever be together. Every time we spent together i always hoped that i could be that one and only in your life. One day i might be that person, or become another's special person, who i know will be better for me than you.

So than why am i fixed onto you? i don't know. A heart needs to learn what it wants, but it can't find out what it really desires until you put it in situations that it wants to be. You can't disagree because you can't live without it. You can try as hard as you want to fight and you will come close to losing it. It will tear you apart. So why fight it? Follow it, and be ready to experience what it has to show you.

I later texted her across the room.

So what do you think I'll be? The pilot or the astronaut?

She walked with me, smiled, and spoke

The astronaut.

I respond

Let's hope its worth it.

Sober; Life misconstrued.

No edits.

I still don't have that many friends, or at least it feels like it. Seeing people on facebook stings like a mother fucker. I'm completely embarrassed to use it.

Goddamn I think way too fucking much. You know how everyone has that feeling that someone is watching them? That's my every waking moment except with exponential value. Being ostracized for no known fucking reason sure has it's benefits doesn't it? My whole life i feel like I've been out of the loop. Like a moon floating onward towards empty space just waiting to meet the surface of some nameless planet and become obliterated into indistinguishable pieces.

I have yet to mention Africa, a girl who I have no idea what our relationship is, I met her only a few days after I put Kryptonite in my lead box. This was supposed to be for next post so I'll only mention what little I can. She has an ex-boyfriend who was a heroin addict. The whole reason they split up was because of his addiction. (Whats with me liking girls with a troubled past? I can't help but find myself with them. ) The way they originally got together was because this punk guy was cheating on his girlfriend. Yeah Africa was a home-wrecker. Not really considering she was like what.. 16? and he 17? Anyways they were having this affair for about 1-2 years. Which is absolutely freaking crazy.

Two years of lying to some innocent girl? They should both be held accountable for such a fucking disgraceful act. The only leniency i give her is because i felt like i was so close to cheating on my ex. But hey i didn't i fucking break the oath and finite unmentioned laws of relationships. I broke up and constantly face the risk of being devastating lonely and regretting my decision. Every day i wake up and look next to me to find nothing but cold empty space where a pure everlasting happiness once was. I should take her actions into account when i look at her again tonight.

Were going out somewhere i don't know where. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I asked her to tell me if she was going to do anything later tonight because i really want to spend time with her. She lives aboutt 40 minutes away so finding something to do could be a litttttle bit difficult because I've never hung out with a girl with for these reasons before... Well looks like tonight will a night well worth learning.

So how do i feel about Africa? I don't fucking know. She's attractive of course. But, I'm unsure of why i like her so much. Fate knows that i hate being lonely. It knows that I've never been comfortable by myself in a long time. When i was, i had friends that would have fought by my side any day i needed them.



I speak to Africa for hours at a time on the phone. I just got off the phone with her. and it's official were nothing. The hookup was just a ricochet of a bullet hitting the blade of a sword. Sure i know the way she looks at me. I know how she makes me feel and i love making her feel appreciated and making her life awesome. She didn't say it directly, but she said i was different in than a friend. I told her:

"What makes a friend different from a person you love is when a friend goes away you know you'll be ok. but when the person you love is gone, you know you won't be."

She said it'd be really difficult without me.

To contradict all this she said she wouldn't be with me if she were single. Because of two things. I shouldn't put numbers on it but it's the truth.. two things.

One: i told her she was a lot like my ex-girlfriend. and knowing that she had to make sure that i wasn't going to be with her because of that.

Two: I just came out of a four year relationship and thinks that i need time by myself.

So i took it as it was. i told her i felt like shit without her and that i don't know if i can be happy by myself.

She told me that she just technically got back with her ex-boyfriend but he hasn't changed at all from when they weren't together. he's never there for her and she fails to see it all but since I've talked to her about how he is, she's realizing that she shouldn't be putting up with him.

Just makes me want to jump right down to the bottom all over again like that fucking anchor.


So whats the plan McGuyver?

Kill two birds with one stone. First, do what i know needs to happen. Be happy by myself. wait it out. See what happens with Africa's situation and be who i am.

Become Self-serving. self-sufficient. independent. Do what i love because i love it.

2 Rolling Rocks, 1 Tequila; The First Regret

Never trust a girl named Kryptonite.

Nursing school can be a hard time. (Yes, I'm going to be a male nurse.) The amount of studying we hear is rumored to be more then any other program at our college. A friend once told me she had friends in residency and they don't study nearly as much as we do. 5 chapters a week, anomalous voice recordings, human anatomy videos, 3x80 page power points, 20 page word documents, several procedures, and a minimum of 50 NCLEX questions a day.

So how do we do it? Well fuck if I know, at the moment I'm barely making the cut. So my absolutely unhelpful and contradicting answer: Alcohol.

For the past few weeks I found it to be the best of ailments. Just recently breaking up with my girlfriend of four years, coping with falling for random girls like a fucking idiot, and telling a girl that I was hopelessly in love with her. Cutting the edge off should at least spare me some stress.

I throw the word love like it's nothing. But right now, to me, it sure as hell is.

Prelude:

Let me work my way back from the bar.

The night after I confessed my love to this girl, I told the whole story to my buddy Endgame. It was pretty embarrassing to talk about but after a beer I instantly loosened up like a poorly tied bungee cord.

I thought of her long black hair. Her crystal clear blue eyes. Her every move had felt like earthquakes and  landslides when she was close. My senses were intense, I could literally count the inches away she was when we walked next to one another. I could smell her smile, see her thoughts, and feel her laughter. God that smile, that sharp giggle that burst with personality. She was short only because the rest of her energy growing taller was spent up partying and getting drunk. She was the embodiment of seduction in a purely toxic and malicious form. She had Motley Crue syndrome. Looks that kill.

Kryptonite and I share nothing in common. Kr grew up in what sounds like an area constantly struggling with drugs, crime, and poverty. How diamonds are formed in the harshest environments, I've no idea. I grew up in an area of mundane sub-urban town homes. I'm a stone among mountains. Kr was a party girl at heart, her father a recovering-drug addict had raised her young. Growing up she did just what her heart tells you, run rampant and live a life of undirected self-pleasure. She calmed down apparently for college. The only reason were in the same classes is because her father begged her to become a nurse.

Enough history.

I told myself in my head: If I ever spoke to her I'd tell her: in all my life I would never dream of a girl so beautiful. Remind you, the treasures of the world go to the wealthy. I began speaking to her the beginning of this semester. We studied together for two weeks almost everyday. She was ridiculously flirtatious. Like "fuck don't you know any better?" ridiculous. She asked me to come with her to trips in the nursing club, go out for food, share desserts, a whole scheme of events that would make you think that we we'd dated for weeks.

I was addicted. I broke down when I wasn't around her like most of us do. I felt like I was missing an extra sense. Every day I woke up without feeling wet when I jumped in the shower. The coffee I drank had more then enough sugar to solidify the liquid it was in. On the way to work, I'd swear the windshield was spray painted black and opaque. Love is so widely felt but feels so unique to us all.

So why was I so deadly attracted to this girl? I hadn't a single clue. She was horrible for me and I knew it. I'm usually not a man where looks would take me so far as to bring me down to my knees. In retrospect, I know one thing. I sure as hell need to get the fuck out of my house and start living life already.


The Regret

I could almost remember every moment we spent with one another.
  And this moment, I know I'll remember for a long time to come.

Friday, we were studying in the library for about the 4th time that week. We talked about the usual things and she told me that she knew I was the only one who could make her laugh so much. She left for class sometime during the day and I jammed my face in a book for a couple hours trying to pick up what little information I could for the upcoming test. I could only read 4 words in a row before straying off random tangents of thought. I pre-meditated hundreds of conversations. I tried to think of the best way to say things and come off smooth and attractive as possible. At times I tried to be reasonable. I attempted to rationale my feelings with logic but always drew back to  thinking of how to advance our relationship. Eventually after the hundredth conversation I ran through my head, I decided to head home.

I packed up, threw on my backpack, and headed for the door. I was still feeling the high of her running through me. She circulated in my system more so than blood. I just needed more of her. In a desperate act of absolute creeper status, I took a ridiculous detour to the exit. I wanted to walk by the study room we were in earlier that day. I was hoping she'd be there and we could just spend one more moment together before I headed home. Jokingly in my head as I came near, "I thought I'm such a fucking creep. What am I doing? Even if she was here, what would I do if she actually was.. " And there she was.

The grass I grazed on earlier came up when I found my self standing in the road. I stumbled on every word. Every sentence that came out had no point and needed a anthropological historian to decipher the strange grammar and perplexed language I spoke.

I managed at least to make sense of the first sentence.

"Hey, you're still here?"

"Yeah, I just got out of class a little while ago, and Endgame left like 10 minutes ago. Wait, what are you doing here?"

I made a note to throw myself down the stairs as soon as I left after this awkward conjuncture.

"I uh, just got done studying.. was heading home and uh.. thought I was wonder if you'd left and stayed home or went to the uh, yeah. Was just on my way home."

I thought of the location in the study room in the library. It couldn't have been more packed and hidden away from every path in the library that was disclosed so no one would walk by.

From the boosting confidence of how I was speaking, I acted accordingly: Awkwardly wiggling my way in the room like a duck with malformed leg.

"God I'm so tired. I can't take studying anymore." (Trying to play off my recently acquired tongue in dumb-ass.)
"Do you always stay here this late just to study?"

She was interrupted by a phone call. It was a male voice and had a deep tone. At this point of feeling the way I did, I would say that any male talking to her had a condescending tone. They argued for a little mentioning something about getting a ride home.

"What was that about?"

"It was my ex-boyfriend. I don't understand him. I drive him to school and stuff and I drive him home most the time. But he never answers his phone when I call him and never bothers to tell me that he doesn't need a ride. Usually i just sit here and wait for him."

"He sounds like an asshole."

"You have no idea."

After a small rant about how much she hated him, she mentioned how much she loved him and cared about him. Hearing her talk about her ex and how faithful she was made me want to talk about my girlfriend. I guess the guilt kicked in for that split of a second. I tell her that i planned on breaking up after 4 years. She instantaneously spoke against it. Without reason she told me not to.. I started to learn she did things without reason or consequence. I told her the spiel I've mentioned already on the blog. After a while we heard over the loudspeaker the library was closing. It was 10:00pm.

We headed out to the parking lot together and she asked me:

"Do you smoke?"

"No, but hell yeah I'd like to."

Place of Regret: A reclined seat of a black coupe.


She joked about me going to some gas station or deli giving the clerk a special eye with a shifty voice asking for a "Lucy." No idea what it was at the time, but apparently it's when you buy a single cigarette. She didn't put much emphasis or anything in trying to go out and get one. I had asked her twice if she still wanted to get one.


"So you want to get one or what?"

"Yeah sure let's do it!"

Off we went. We went to the closest gas station and I bought my first pack of cigarettes. She made fun of the way I asked the guy as we were pulling out.

"Oh wait fuck, do you have any matches?" She said intermittently laughing.

I immediately made a ticket deserving u-turn in the 4 lane road back to the gas station. I pulled up with a big smile on my face and this gorgeous girl telling the guy it's my first time.

We picked up the lighter and began to smoke. Knowing I was new, she instinctively lit it for me. The world slowed down just for her. She pursed her lips and grasped a single cigarette from the pack. Her every move was so relaxed and had such significant purpose. The lighter struck as she slowly released the tension with one of her petite thumbs, fingers grasping around it's body.  She tamed the fire with grace. Fully engaged I watched her slowly inhale. Condensing her chest, I imagined the air becoming packed tightly into the body of the cigarette easily traveling into her lungs. The job done, She lightly released the cigarette with her left hand pulling it just a few inches away from her lips. She held it just, there, staring into space, embracing it's intoxicating and cancerous effects. The smoke escaped her as she gazed her eyes onto mine and lightly handed me the cigarette. In a subtle and absolutely seducing voice, "Here." I realized I was driving 10 over and ran a yellow. Goddamn she had a way of capturing me.

We drove heading west. I wish I could have driven with her forever; the road never ending as I desperately wanted the moment to be. The cigarettes had cut off more than enough oxygen and felt like it disabled part of my brain. Good. I wanted it to be so. We spoke:

"I want to tell you something."

"What?"

"Ah, never mind I didn't say anything"

"No, what were you going to say? I want to know"

"Well.. it's rather embarrassing, you sure you want to hear it?"

"Yeah."

"I think it's got potential to make things really awkward. Hah." I took a huge drag out of my cigarette.

"Well when you laugh it doesn't make it awkward, like did you know every time there's an awkward moment a gay baby is born?"

We laughed.

"Well, I'm desperately attracted to you."
"Not once have I ever met or seen a girl so attractive in my entire life."

"What really?"

"The most beautiful girl I've ever seen, probably the most in the entire world as far as I'm concerned."

She smiled looking out the windshield.

"Hell yeah. Honestly. What you don't realize it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You could walk into a room full of guys and simply pick out anyone and they'd do anything you'd tell them on command within that second."

"Haha, wow really? I mean I know I'm not ugly, but.."

She didn't leave a moment of awkwardness. She was the most accepting and open girl I've ever met. I began to light up my 4th cigarette. We still talked and everything felt absolutely amazing. She was the same laughing and enjoying the moment.

At some point we pulled into an A&P. She previously asked me to teach her to drive manual and I promised I'd teach her. Absolutely careless about the world, I taught her. She was a natural, shifting on time, not once grinding gears, only problem was she gunned every inch of that parking lot.

We parked. With the windows slightly rolled down we reclined our seats.The girl who was so beautiful she couldn't have been made up in my own dreams; laid on her side facing right at me. I had lost time and space. I admired the curve of her body as she conformed elegantly to the seat. She was spread out like a 2 page magazine. Resting the weight of her head on her elbow and her one leg just barely crossing over her other. Her hair draped lightly over her hand down to her shoulder. We looked directly at each other, each of us in this in the moment. She spoke to me but I begun to phase in and out of the ability to listen. I fell into her eyes and lost myself. The windows started to fog and she threw her head back looking to the rear window slightly arching her back.

Fuck I wish there were a better ending to this.

She saw a hand print breaking the fog of the window.

"You totally had sex in your backseat!"

I sheepishly denied it. I really had no clue where it came from, but I took it as a compliment. Seeing as to how I never really had that much sex in the first place.

"Uh-huh, yeah right." She didn't believe a word, but kept smiling like she had something on her mind.

So what happened next? A fucking phone call. My phone glowed a picture of my mom. I quickly ignored it and tried to continue talking.
Several times it lit up and I ignored it. Kr grew curious to why she was calling so much. I told Kr that it was okay and that she did it all the time when I was out. She seemed like she felt sorry for her, making her worry about me being out so late.

She asked, "Whats the matter you can't stay out?" I told her I could, but I don't think she believed me. She then asked "Think i can make it out of here?" I sensed that she might have wanted to head back. I felt regret. I didn't show it. "Sure you can." I spoke mindlessly.

She started driving our way back. We talked about fate and I begun my move.

I asked her, "you know how you say if this happens, than something ridiculous happens?"

"yeah, like if that seagull lands on this post I'll be a millionaire"
"Well did you ever think that like it's true a little bit? like in a sense? Like the probability that if this happens then this will happen."
She said "yeah.." in a voice that indicated thinking but with a little misunderstanding.

"Well here, like my garage for example. It only opens 10% of the time I punch the code in. 90% of the time no matter what it'll never open. So I ask it questions and depending if it's yes or no, it'll open if it's and it won't if its no. It's been pretty right in predicting the future." I laughed. "So what makes it open even though 9 times outta 10 it won't? If i ask it questions and its right, then it works against the probability according to fate. So yeah, i ask my garage questions and it predicts the future."

"What?" She laughed. "That's ridiculous, but yeah I see what you mean."

"So i asked it something, but i don't want to tell you because i think it'll make it awkward, got anything to make us laugh to make it not again?"

She didn't answer. she waited a moment and just said

"Just tell me."

"I said well I asked it if you liked me."

She smiled than waited a moment and her voice changed. It turned soft.

"Well did it open or what?"

"I said wait. Lemme think how to put this."

"Wait what well if you say that than it's pretty much..-" I cut her off

"I know, I know. Wait let me think and explain how it happened."

"So everyday I came to my garage I never had the guts to ask it this question. I would always be afraid and just put off for day after and the next day and the next. I just couldn't do it. But one day. I said fuck it. Garage, you and me right now." I paused.

"Does Kr like me?"

"And it opened."

She laughed and she changed the subjected talking about something else. I don't remember what, probably because i didn't care to listen cause i just threw it out that i wanted to be with her.

"Wait wait before you say anything else. Was it right?"

"Was my garage right or what?" I smiled while speaking. I'm not sure if it was authentic or a veil.

Laughing, she was smiling and bared down her head in thought while speaking.

"Well.." the smile grew on her face.

"I don't even know you..! you know?"

"And..-"

I begun to say

"Well let's just-"
As she spoke simultaneously.
"Well let's just leave it at that."


"It's okay that if you don't like me back it's like whatever. I don't care."

"We can still be friends and like study buddy's and everything right? This won't change anything?"

 I responded "Yeah. Course."

I didn't know what to think about it at the time. But I begun realizing that it was her first time driving manual and it was the worst of conditions; raining and with a foggy windshield and i started to feel a slight bit hesitant. She told me i was fucking crazy. (referring to me letting her drive.) I told her she was fucking beautiful. We got back, and hung out in my car for one last cigarette. I wanted to extend the moment as long as I could being with her. I don't see why rereading what just happened.

As we lit up our last cigarette, my girlfriend called.

I muttered a curse and my voice changed into a serious tone.

"Hello?"

"Hey where are you?"

She started to gather the cigarettes and reached over me to get the lighter on the inner side of the door.

"I'm on my way, I was just studying with some friends."

She grabbed her wallet and opened the door.

"Are you coming home?"

The cold humid air poured into the car replacing the smoke and taking the moment with it.

"Yeah I'm leaving right now I'm just leaving the parking lot."

"Okay."

"I'll see you."

As I hung up she looked at me.

I spoke first.

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure if I'm studying but yeah."

"Ill see ya later."

"See ya." That smile never left her face. Not once.

She left first. I stood there in the parking lot. I took everything in and headed home and it was 3:00am.

She txted me on the way home.

"Dont do anything based on me I'll be dealing with ex shit fnr a while cuz i love him."

"Heh why didn't you say that before? but i'm not no worries."

"Remember I'm one of the guys."

"Don't worry it's whatever I may be crazy when it comes to love but I'm not irrational or unreasonable."




I said the word love has no meaning to me. It's because of that last text message. I'm not sure if I was really in love with her or if i used it in replace of like or attraction. All i know is that I'm to embarrassed to think about it and say that I really was in Love. Endgame said to just run it out. See how it goes. I did. This whole regret happened over a week ago. He filled me in just the day before yesterday, she's seeing some guy that she works with.




Next Post: 4 Beers, Jägermeister, Vodka; The Second Regret

Time Rewound: A spontaneous building of character

I am the median between social butterfly and alienated nerd. I've lived somewhere in between cliques and felt like I lifted friends up from the antisocial world to a higher more pleasant place of being.

I thrived in-doors. I loved computers, video games, television. Anything that if you stand in front of it long enough, it'll give you some kind of health problem. Hah, I'm a chronic masochist. Anyway, childhood was comprised of computers, and going out with my cousins and neighborhood kids to play football, manhunt, paintball, and crab apple wars (fuck yeah).

Crab apple wars works like this:

1. Find a disgusting apple that's rock hard and inedible ( the bigger the better )
2. Choose a target
3. Aim and Throw

Rules:
Last man standing

It was completely dangerous and really fun.. If you had the big kids on your team.


Interesting past story:
--------
At one point  in 4th grade my best friend and I were fairly known and everyone loved us. it was a great , I had more friends then than I do now.. And a baffling completely random event occurred. My best friend disappeared. No one saw him for about 7 years. 7 frigging years. I literally thought he died or had some super contagious incurable disease. There wasn't any warning to when it happened. One day he just never showed up to class and that was it. Poof. The teacher never gave us an explanation or told us anything about it. I wasn't upset but it definitely sucked missing a friend.

Now the second part, I met him again for the first time since that day in 4th grade in junior year, high school. My girlfriend at the time had somehow been his only friend that he had since me and they were just newly acquainted that year. When i met him it was sad suprise. I found him to be completely socially incapable of holding a conversation, maintaining eye contact, and feeling comfortable around people in general. Of the maybe 6 words he spoke over a 4 hour period of hanging out, he mentioned that he really did want to talk to people and be social, but limited himself because he was afraid. fucking weird.
-------


Anyhow shit I've been writing for ever. I meant to give an idea of who I am.

Life in a nutshell:


5th grade - became nobody and i nearly became fused to my computer permanently.

Junior year, Mohawk, i hung out with some girl down the street all the time and she went bat shit when i got a girlfriend. It was a four year relationship from age 17-21.

I broke up two weeks ago because i felt like i was missing out on life being confined. i also found my self falling in love with other girls. I wasn't sure if i was in the relationship because of guilt or what. She lived with me.

Here I am now. 21. I gotta start fucking living life.

next post: 4 Beers, Jagermeister, Vodka; the First Regret