We've become motionless

Life has stopped. The brake lights have been lit for hours and the engine is cold. The battery is on it's last limbs keeping the lights on. The long road journeyed thus far seems to have hit a no outlet. This thousand mile stretch of tarmac has witnessed some of the most beautiful wonders in the world. And now it seems to end at a dumb-fuck suburban undeveloped culdesac.

Have you ever had the feeling that nothing new will happen to you? That you're stuck in the same place in time? That everyone you will meet will be no different than a breeze of the wind? The friends you have will be the same friends you will have for the rest of the life, or they will disappear resentfully.

Fuck you Africa. I want to be friends. Quit making this shit harder than it has to be.

I step out of my car to look at what should be an endless road. I step around my door, never once taking my eyes off this fucking disgrace of a point I've reached. Hands gripping the hairs on my head, I fucking begin to grieve.


What's got me held up?

Anxiety - i can't take the thought of hanging around new people.
Need for love - i don't really feel like i need it, but getting punched in the face with what could be is like a foot long 0 gauge fish hook in the cheek. That's a weekly occurance.
Friends - I'm losing one, the other blind as a bat. Can't see past his actions or think through his emotions. Acting out on anger, burnt black and jaded for the lack of answers.

I'm looking for acceptance.
I don't think me and Africa can be friends. She's to fucking ADHD and opinionated. I can't think of a time i needed friends more than now.  I'm pretty sure that's bending whats okay and whats not for who can be selected as friends.

The need for Africa is a fucking weekly occurrence. I'm so fucking sick of it. I've started to ignore her. I wish she fucking let her be her. I just want to fucking be me without her influence.

What i want to tell her.






I think i'm one of those incredibly dumb people who need someone in their life. Mainly because i have the lack of everyone right now.

I really want to be friends with you because I don't think I have any true friends anymore.

I can't tell you enough how I'm sick of this complicated shit and I wish you would just put up with it. You don't want to hear it. But when i mention it your a fucking moth to the flame. You're an asshole for not wanting to hear whats got me sick. What's put a fucking 10 ton brick on my brake. I'm afraid to tell you what's up with me because you hate me for it. So if you fucking hate me, hate me. Stay the fuck away from me. Avoid me. I can't take you.


You don't even fucking really know me. You don't. You won't even give it a fucking chance. You won't even just spend a real moment with me to figure it out. To find out who and what I really am. I can't fucking think of what that makes you, but goddammit I'm fucking sure as hell I really really need to.