I wish I could say it's better out of the semester. Everyone always asked me what I was going to do when I got out, I had no response. I didn't want to be out of the semester. I have nothing outside of school. I need it because it brings everyone together. And I don't know how to be a friend outside of school. At least it feels that way.
Africa and me got a long well. After everything. I forgot where I left off. Probably where I said I was constantly falling in and out of love with her. Well, I thought that I was finally over her and stopped talking to her and I felt great. I avoided her at times and went to her at times. I think.. fuck I may have went to her more than avoided her. I think the only thing that was keeping me sane was lying to myself being a good friend to her to make her like me and become attracted to me. FUCK.. How can someone be so dumb and blind to lie to himself? That's pretty embarrassing. But I do know for a fact I was becoming more comfortable by myself and not having her.
So now let me get to the night of the class. A couple of us from class went to some bar that was packed and blasting music. I've never really went to bars that much before.. Never had anyone to go with. So I got there first somehow. Ended up waiting like 35 minutes for anyone to show up.. Don't know how the fuck that happened but I looked like an ass standing there by myself for that entire time. My social anxiety was prettttyyy fucking intense, i past the parking lot twice because i was afraid to pull in. I knew it was valet parking and I just felt like I'd look like an ass somehow. like i'd pull in the wrong entrance, or they'd say something i didn't understand and then they'd all think of me as some dumb-shit loser. So after having sat on a side street in-front of some houses I just said fuck it i gotta do it eventually, grew a pair and went in and everything went fine..
So after the episode of just hanging around doing nothing for half a freggin hour the first person to show up was Africa. She seemed confused and didn't know what to do when we walked in together. I was confused because she was a bartender and was as lost as i was.. Eventually she pushed me to go find out how the hell to get a drink.. So I led the way, so confused, so anxious, anxiety blasting, so un-confident. GROW some fucking balls you pussy get direction and fucking stick to it and know why. It's not fucking rocket science. I pussed out finding an opening at the bar and Africa ordered drinks for us. Very fucking smooth Mr. suave. I went to the atm to grab some money and Africa's two friends she invited to come were on her like a pack of wolves by the time i turned around.
One of them stood tall about 6'4, older looking who i find out is 26 and married, I'll call him Tangent. He was what i would have been if I had stayed with my ex.
The other, a skinny kid self-confident for his nerdy attributes seemed to believe anything he said no matter how useless was worth a hundred dollars. Unfortunately I'd equate his words to no more entertaining than the history of tractors or accordions.
(I think I'm being spiteful because he likes Africa and I don't want to imagine someone having as much as a chance I do.)
I'll call him Brody. For some reason he just reminded me of the guy from the pianist.
So I started relaying the game in my head a hundred times over. It was the perfect setting. A 3 set with only 1 AMOG. I attempted to establish value by starting conversations. I asked how everyone knew each other and ended there. Fucking crashed and burned again, gotta read the entire book i guess haha. It was near impossible to do anything because the music was so loud it shattered any chance of communication farther than 3 inches. Eventually, we decided to leave the bar to some other one that was more "chill" according to Tangent. At the instant we were leaving, The Trio showed up. 3 girls from my nursing class. They were already drunk by the time they got there, they seemed super fun and i kind of regret leaving the bar. One of the Trio had just broke up with her boyfriend and looked super upset that I was leaving, she gave me an exaggerated sad face and gave a limp goodbye with her hand. Wonder if we coulda hooked up.. ah well. Me, Africa, Tangent, and Brody all left for the other bar.
Fucking scary ass bar. About over a dozen people sitting there, slouched, outgrown beards, not a single one female, obviously, the jukebox was blasting screaming death metal, and the bartender looked like a skin head ready to break my face in with the baseball bat hidden under the bar. Everything in the bar was dark, dark stained wood and bland. The mirror behind the alcohol looked smudged from fingerprints and dirty hands. Brody came to me and said that his was there place, and that it was their bar of choice. A few of the intimidating gentlemen sporting tattoos on their neck and hands turned their heads over at us to size us up. I was pretty confused by the looks of Brody but it didn't seem like this was their crowd but hey whatever. We ordered a couple of drinks and Africa's parents came by to drink along. Her father reminded me of Gomez from the Adams family but seemed like a pretty nice guy. Her mom I met already at our hospital seems very friendly and easy to get along with.
Me and Tangent started talking and I asked him how married life was. He made it pretty apparent he hated it. That it was nothing he expected and from what Africa told me, he flirts with other girls constantly but never gets their number. That would have been me, though I'd feel something more than guilty to be even flirting with girls. He married her before he went out to be deployed. He was in the army and said that's the reason he got married. Married for 7 years.
Brody had a habit of making this wall between me and Africa. I'd constantly find himself interjecting his skinny body between us. He'd hang his elbow on the bar and put all of his weight on one leg. He looked like what nerd's like us would dream of acting like to a girl we don't know that we were trying to flirt with for the first time. He was being our ideal of smooth. I don't think he realized that it doesn't work like that when it's your friend who is not interested in you at all.
I jumped to the bathroom starting to feel that sweet drunken haze. I came back just to find Africa waiting for me. (My heart just skipped a beat writing that thinking I should message her.) She said that we were going to another bar and that she hated her drink and we switched chugged and left. It was just a friends thing. We walked and Bordy drove Africa's car. I drove mine, we went down the street somewhere I don't know how and parked somewhere me over reving like crazy because manuals are awesome. We go into a better looking bar and i'm already close to getting drunk drunk and ordered another beer.
Brody divided Africa yet again and unfortunately there is no 1989 to his Berlin wall. It's hard to write at this point because it's just getting painful to think about. I'm going to scratch it out as best i can.
We drank, I found out Tangent loves philosophy. He talked him self to boredom. I listened intently but apparently he has no meaning behind his words, i think hes just wishing he could experience things he wants to. Everyone sang kareoke, africa asked if i would sing with her i said i would. She never came to get me. Brody, Tangent and I all stepped out to smoke and I asked Brody if he was into Africa. He spoke a very long winded response somehow turning into a question and basically said he wouldnt tell, I asked Tangent earlier and he said without a doubt. I told him if you do than do something about it. Don't wait just go for it. Staying in limbo is a whole new hell. I told him we had a thing and we hooked up and i think he looked slightly distraught. I laughed inside my head. Africa tried to get me riled up like everyone else but I was out of it, In a place i didn't know, with people i barely knew, Africa being the only one i slightly knew and didn't want to speak to. It was a bad situation to be in, why did i go? Eventually we get back to our cars, Africa wanted me to stay over her house, I said i didn't want to because i knew i shouldn't on principle of getting the fuck over her, but i did.
She cooked some food for me got a water, and I took a drunken video of myself saying where i was and what was going on. I spilled the water and stared down hercat for as long as it took Africa to take a shower and puke hah. Eventually she realized that I was laying on the floor and she pointed me over to the guest room. I stopped in the bathroom to give myself a whirl at the toilet and emptied my stomach of what remainder of beer was left. I washed up stepped out and hear her crying and yelling.
She was on her phone talking with her ex. She was so upset and angry. Yelling at the top of her lungs "why don't you love me". She mentioned something about another girl. He sounded like he was un-phased. I wish I heard what he said so i could assess the situation better and create a solution. Eventually she hung up the phone and stepped out. I hugged her and she cried. She asked me why he doesn't love her. I said i don't know. She started holding my arm and her tears covered my hands and forearms. Eventually i think she became embarrassed of herself and didn't want me to see her or didn't want me to hold her and feel anything of her. I tried to come back to holding her and she gently stepped out of reach and put me on the bed. She asked if i needed anything else and went back to her room. I was still distraught and worried. Her cat came in the room and i pet it like i knew how cat's loved to be pet. right under their collar. Every cat loves that. The longer you scratch there the longer they'll be with you and want to be around you. Eventually I heard her crying and yelling again. I couldn't take it.. I came to her door knocking. I didn't know what to say i just wanted her to stop crying and being upset. I looked over to the cat on my bed and said that her cat was in my room. I kept knocking and i don't think she heard me. She kept talking and the cat walked out.. I didn't care i lied.. i said it was still in there and knocked even more and she told me to go away. fucking idiot you should have. she came out looked for the cat and she said it wasn't there. I tried to talk to her as soon as she found out the cat wasn't there.. she brushed me off and went back to her room. I sat in the bed for a while before falling asleep.
I woke up the next morning to her making me breakfast and my head still spinning and getting rid of the a buzz. Her brother drove me to my car and me and Africa hugged and she said see you soon. I tried desperately to make her laugh driving home txting her. She did. I was glad. Its the only thing that makes me truly happy right now. And that may be wrong for me to feel that way. But she should know this best, your heart doesn't agree or follow with whats right or wrong, it does what it pleases.
I hope this break is long enough to where I completely forget about how i feel for her. I doubted it the way i was going before writing this. Now I'm feeling better.
Kryptonite called me later in the afternoon, she asked if i could come with her to go Christmas shopping. I did. I'm not sure what she expects from me and I'm not sure why i went. Probably because i think she's gorgeous and has an awesome personality. I felt akward and didn't know what to do with myself. She's so self-sufficient it seems ridiculous. i'm jealous how she can be so happy and content with her life and how she doesn't spend that much time thinking. She just does.
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