Preparation.

I'm about to talk to africa about everything i been keeping up inside.. I'm fucking scared.

it begun with txting.

"i need to ask you a favor like Wednesday or sometime after the test"
"i'll remind you.. lol"

After that she basically flipped and said thanks for bringing this shit up before the test.
tell me what you want to ask it's really going to bother me and mess with me so much you have no idea.

(I should note that's a very fucking undeserving statement. Bitch i'm in this fucking relationship between us too. I couldn't fucking think the whole damned weekend because of trying to be friends and you telling me that your trying again with your ex makes me want to fucking crash my car into a tree. Calm the fuck down. I can't fucking live in la-la land like you do and ignore who i am and what is going on outside my head. I'm telling you everything tonight and if you want me to fucking tell you then shut the fuck up and treat me with some god damned respect before i say fuck it why the hell should i tell you when your making me feel this way.)

Anyways. I plan to tell her tonight.

"Look what i wanted to ask you was to tell me that we'd never have a chance of coming together. I want you to rip my guts out and tell me everything that's wrong with me. Tell me that you and Mina are going to be forever. Tell me everything you love about him and why you know you can't be with me.

I can't take being friends so immediately.. I feel like I'm going fucking crazy when I'm not talking to you. When I'm not in your mind. When i don't feel your presence even when it's so little from texting. (I'm addicted yet a fucking gain)

I'm fucking yo-yoing back and forth like crazy. I know we should be friends but being so close just makes me never want to let go of what I'm feeling. I can't tell the difference between being a friend and being what i want to be for you.

It's like i don't even know why i feel this way i can't f'n explain it. I feel like we wouldn't be good for each other. I feel like your so opinionated and have things that you'll die for and know what you want to do in life and i'm the least opinionated person I've ever come to know and i haven't been more lost in my life than now. We deal with our lives completely different. I'm not sure if i can hold a conversation that could interest you or keep you entertained.

So please do me this favor and stab me in the chest, make it deep, and never talk to me again. I need you to put me through this pain because i don't think i can."

Fuck that makes me sound weak