I Can't Stand.

What the hell has been going on the past couple weeks. fuck.

This is going to be centered on Africa. Yet a fucking gain.

Last i remember i said look i need to ignore you because i can't take being just friends.
Her response. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't know you felt that way. But okay.

She tells me like a week later she was angry at me not wanting to talk to her anymore and de-friend ed me on face book.

That bothered me, not the friend thing, the fact that she was angry at me. Hey fuck face you make me live in utter shit. You obviously didn't care about me as much as i cared about you. Why the hell are you angry? What do you want me to live in utter shit? do you want me to break my back trying to attain your love?

WHY CANT I FUCKING PUT THIS SHIT BEHIND ME.

it's fucking at the end of the day. Where i stand now?

I fucking care about her yet a fucking gain. A FUCKING GAIN.
-because i think she gives me signs that she still cares about me.

SHE asked ME. "What are you thinking?"




"What are you thinking?"


She stood there. Leaning on the corner of her jeep. I prolonged the moment. I just stared back at her. I know what I wanted to do. I wanted to fucking intervene. I wanted to fucking take off this mask, i want to be me. I want to be ME. I want to be who i feel like being. and i feel like i'm a hopeless romantic. HOPELESS. I feel like screaming my heart out. I feel like making a thousand origami hearts. She wanted it. She wanted me to be that. She wanted me to shout my love. She wanted me to make a move. She wanted me to come close. She wanted me to say that i needed her. THAN FUCKING LET IT BE. DUMP THE FUCKING LOVE FOR THAT DOUCHE.

I asked while smiling turning around and walking away, "Why are you so curious?"

She immediately said "Fine i won't be curious, bye." turned around and started opening her door.

I felt the pain of a bullet going through my heart. I was scared, i didn't want to lose her. i panicked . Asking why am i so curious are the words i so fucking desperately wait to hear every moment I'm with her.

I tried to recover.

"I never said i didn't want you to be." I'm not sure if she heard me.

If she asked me again, i'd say:

I'm fucking crazy. I'm dumb. I'm absolutely out of my frigging skull. I'm crazy about you. I'm dumb because i can't know any better. I'm absolutely out of my frigging skull because I'm not me anymore. I'm everything you want me to be. I'm a piece of clay waiting to be molded, I'm water without a container. Let me be what you want me to be.

WHY AM I SO FUCKING OVERWHELMINGLY IN "LOVE".

Desperate. Scratching at the inside of my coffin screaming at the top of my lungs. Begging on my knees before the cloud of judgment. Be mine.

I'm almost in tears. fucking pussy. thanksgiving week and i don't think a day's going to pass without me thinking about her.

I don't want to complicate things for her. So i can't talk to her. She asked to just be friends but if that's to much than shell ignore me. I need to bold that.

She asked to just be friends but if that's to much than shell ignore me.


Ill do one up, i'll quote shit. "If you want to be friends we can be friends. if you don't  than i'll leave you alone."

well you didn't fucking ignore me. You stared me down like a freak with an extra eye. You hated me yet you stare me down, you want to be friends, yet you give me that fucking look.

Today was shit, i feel like irreversible damage happened. I wasn't myself i was something fluctuating between giving you my best and treating you like nothing. (I can't just be a friend. I still cant. What the fuck.)  I feel like you don't like me as much as you used to. I think it's because you see me for how i really am sometimes. But i'm not like that.. i don't think.. i know i'm more smooth and connected. i have rhythm I find a wave length and adjust to it. Its just.. hard to be what is called for when i'm trying to be the greatest and worst person in the world hiding how i feel.


i'm running in circles. I'm going fucking complicate your life. I'm worth the time. i'm going to ask her in the middle of the night to show that this is a fucking bed of nails that i sleep on every night. That i bleed when i lay at rest every night. Your sick of complicated shit?