Well this is definitely a lack of organization.

I intended to make the blog something with rules and a frame to portray bits of my life into. But it turns out I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just addicted to love.

So anyways straight to the emotional bullshit that we all go through.

The fuck. I care about nothing. I have little to no interests anymore. I just got this old camera repaired and been taking pictures. Can't muster the balls and get over the burden of being loveless to go outside to a place actually worth taking pictures. I started up facebook initially just because i wanted to hear Africa's opinion of the ex. She spat out two words and commented so vague it's so insignificant I can't remember.

Could I bare to be with Africa? I don't support half the shit she talks about. Hah... that should be enough shouldn't it.

Her beliefs:

1. Energy
2. Animal Rights/Veganism
3. Spiritualist in Mother Nature.
Before I light the flame thrower; I'm fucking cold, logical, and don't believe in BULLSHIT. I look at everything with open eyes and only believe what is concrete. Show me validated proof that can be consensually agreed upon from facts and not feelings.

My Opinions:

1. Energy
Her definition of energy: The feeling someone gives off.
My summation of energy: power(fuel) or ability to do something.

So it's not fucking energy. It's your goddamn response to the certain situation. It's chemical reactions of emotion. It's your f'n feelings. It's your anxiety. You wouldn't feel a bad "energy" when your flying a plane for the first time. You feel like your gonna fucking crash and kill everyone aboard. To everyone who uses the term "energy" when they describe meeting someone; you just re-fucking labeled the small sentence or description "that kid makes me feel ____."  And for what? To be different and make yourself feel cool because you think that you've discovered this completely unknown world unbeknown to the average day man, because you've seen a light so few have seen, because they are to enveloped in the real world and concerned with pointless things in life. Let me just say, personally, your fucking retarded. Swallow your fucking pride of not being able to feel special amongst everyone else and make something of your self so you have something that makes legitimately you feel that way.

I understand that the word energy can eventually be used to describe the feeling that people give. But for the purposes of feeling special, fuck you. Out of habit of hearing dumb fucks spread it around, whatever, were sheep.

2. Animal Rights/ Veganism

I'm a firm idealist in believing that all life is equal. Life being anything that is living. Meaning humans, animals, plants, ants, and amoebas. You're either living dead or something in between like a virus. So you can be white black or in the fucking gradient. Point being, there's things out in the world that give us energy, that we need to kill to live. Of course we can live off of plants and there is a natural indwelling feeling in some of us that feel bad for animals. But i think that's because they imitate our perceptions and feelings. If there was a plant that could wither and whimper when you yell at it and call it names, I guarantee that they're-ll be a group ready to protect it and fight for it's right to be whimper and wither free.

Believing that animals should be held at higher standards or lower standards all really depends on how you feel as an individual. There's no right or wrong. It all depends on your personal opinion and individual desire and satiety of understanding. If you have a part of you that can relate to animals and it makes you feel horrible knowing what they go through than by all means go vegan. If you don't really care and love to eat Fillet Mignon with a horse burger than go for it. Pleasure yourself in what way you wish. I don't really give a shit that Africa would never touch meat again, just don't tell me to hold up a sign and cut the fence of a farm!

3. Spritualist in Mother Nature.

It's impossible to disprove completely and absolutely fucking ridiculous ideas like the universe was created in the backseat of a car unfathomably resembling a 1967 Pontiac GTO by an underage girl in a town that once again unfathomably resembled buffalo, new york. It's just impossible. We're you there when the universe was created? No? Than shut the fuck up. So that being said, my chair has a spirit, the dust mites eating your skin have spirits and I guess mine is just far more bigger than theirs. Her ideas of spirits is solely her idea and i can be wrong. It just feels like it's ridiculous but logically, it shouldn't. It's just a far deep rooted opinion deriving from culture and experiences. What we define as funny, absurd and appropriate for creation has no meaning to the universe now does it?

So plant life, a dark medium gray on the gradient of life, has a special purpose and more predominant element to how things work on earth. I find it strange, and feel like it's almost comical but that saying that depresses me.. unfortunately this doesn't work out between us :[

I just feel like this is another one of those, I believe different because it makes me feel special to have my own unique ideas and i know better then most people because they are to preoccupied with meaningless things and blah blah blah.. Shit this is starting to really make me feel like shit typing like this.

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She really cares about me. I think, says she does, but doesn't want to be together. I don't think we should be. but god damnit I really want to be.

I think I'm sick:

I don't find her that attractive.
I don't agree with a lot of the stuff she believes in. I find it comical..

I love the challenge of making someone hopelessly be attracted to me.

I don't want to be in love right now.

I just want to experience relationships. I want to know what it's like to be with other people.

Self searching:

Why do i want to be with other people?
because i want to know what other people can give me.
I want to see if other people can give me what i give them.

Why do they deserve what i give them?
They don't. but you have to start somewhere don't you?

I'm super confused!
Yes you are.









What concerns you most right now?
Not talking to Africa, having her not message me, having her not care about me, having her think I'm weird, having her feel smothered, having her feel like she loves me.