Sober; Life misconstrued.

No edits.

I still don't have that many friends, or at least it feels like it. Seeing people on facebook stings like a mother fucker. I'm completely embarrassed to use it.

Goddamn I think way too fucking much. You know how everyone has that feeling that someone is watching them? That's my every waking moment except with exponential value. Being ostracized for no known fucking reason sure has it's benefits doesn't it? My whole life i feel like I've been out of the loop. Like a moon floating onward towards empty space just waiting to meet the surface of some nameless planet and become obliterated into indistinguishable pieces.

I have yet to mention Africa, a girl who I have no idea what our relationship is, I met her only a few days after I put Kryptonite in my lead box. This was supposed to be for next post so I'll only mention what little I can. She has an ex-boyfriend who was a heroin addict. The whole reason they split up was because of his addiction. (Whats with me liking girls with a troubled past? I can't help but find myself with them. ) The way they originally got together was because this punk guy was cheating on his girlfriend. Yeah Africa was a home-wrecker. Not really considering she was like what.. 16? and he 17? Anyways they were having this affair for about 1-2 years. Which is absolutely freaking crazy.

Two years of lying to some innocent girl? They should both be held accountable for such a fucking disgraceful act. The only leniency i give her is because i felt like i was so close to cheating on my ex. But hey i didn't i fucking break the oath and finite unmentioned laws of relationships. I broke up and constantly face the risk of being devastating lonely and regretting my decision. Every day i wake up and look next to me to find nothing but cold empty space where a pure everlasting happiness once was. I should take her actions into account when i look at her again tonight.

Were going out somewhere i don't know where. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I asked her to tell me if she was going to do anything later tonight because i really want to spend time with her. She lives aboutt 40 minutes away so finding something to do could be a litttttle bit difficult because I've never hung out with a girl with for these reasons before... Well looks like tonight will a night well worth learning.

So how do i feel about Africa? I don't fucking know. She's attractive of course. But, I'm unsure of why i like her so much. Fate knows that i hate being lonely. It knows that I've never been comfortable by myself in a long time. When i was, i had friends that would have fought by my side any day i needed them.



I speak to Africa for hours at a time on the phone. I just got off the phone with her. and it's official were nothing. The hookup was just a ricochet of a bullet hitting the blade of a sword. Sure i know the way she looks at me. I know how she makes me feel and i love making her feel appreciated and making her life awesome. She didn't say it directly, but she said i was different in than a friend. I told her:

"What makes a friend different from a person you love is when a friend goes away you know you'll be ok. but when the person you love is gone, you know you won't be."

She said it'd be really difficult without me.

To contradict all this she said she wouldn't be with me if she were single. Because of two things. I shouldn't put numbers on it but it's the truth.. two things.

One: i told her she was a lot like my ex-girlfriend. and knowing that she had to make sure that i wasn't going to be with her because of that.

Two: I just came out of a four year relationship and thinks that i need time by myself.

So i took it as it was. i told her i felt like shit without her and that i don't know if i can be happy by myself.

She told me that she just technically got back with her ex-boyfriend but he hasn't changed at all from when they weren't together. he's never there for her and she fails to see it all but since I've talked to her about how he is, she's realizing that she shouldn't be putting up with him.

Just makes me want to jump right down to the bottom all over again like that fucking anchor.


So whats the plan McGuyver?

Kill two birds with one stone. First, do what i know needs to happen. Be happy by myself. wait it out. See what happens with Africa's situation and be who i am.

Become Self-serving. self-sufficient. independent. Do what i love because i love it.