Dodge Bullets Dodge.

I'm trying to learn where to stick the blade.

In between the ribs, the flank, the abdomen, or the oblique?

To find a stern hand is to find a fine leader.

Take life by the throat and don't let go.

Let the little boy squeal as his heels lift
from the ground and as his back scuffs
the brick wall. you look into his eyes
and say, You're going to Die today.

For You Love.

Can you please commit Murder?

Me

I want to drug myself to death.

Right. Now.

Shitty day out today.

The day is dark.
The drugs are deep.

The light flickers
Without finding beat.

My skin is sinking
Deep within me.

As consciousness fades
you'll all miss me.

Christmas Eve

The family is over. Shit has been awkward as fuck, but it's negligible with the possible outcomes.

I'm drinking again. I drank last night, and literally every other day for the past week. It feels good to be inebriated. I understand now why most people in the psych-ward were alcoholics in the hospital. It really is the perfect temporary cure. Running away from things hasn't felt sweeter.

My brother told me about this new type of psychology being taught at Harvard. They say it's the most popular class ever given in any college across the world. The class is called Positive Psychology. It's basically explaining to you the key to happiness with the added bonus of scientific data. It's free on youtube and I plan on watching every video. I plan on watching every video like my life depends on it. Because it does.

I love you babe.

Sobering x2

Well.

I'm drunk and i'm going to work.

Fuck Dave.

What?

You need help.

Yeah?

Yeah you really really really need help.

Okay.

Where do you begin and where do you end?

SF

I love you even when I'm not there.

Dan O'Brien from cracked.com

Sobering

The key to life:

Speak what's on your mind -- no matter how crazy you sound.
Stop your mind to drop the things you don't want to feel -- control your thoughts.

Something said a thousand times before but truly understood for the first time in my life:

Do what makes you happy and forget everything else.

Little bit.

I'm not.

thinking of the future.

I'm not.

worrying about the pain.

I'm not.

struggling for breath.

I'm smiling.
Because.
I'm a little bit

When I Wake In the Morning

Sex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pull. Pump. Sex. Sex.Pull. Sex. Sex. Sex.Sweat. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pull.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SexSweat.. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sweat. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pump.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pull.Sex. Sex. Sex. SexPump.. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SePump.x. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SeSweat.x. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SPump.ex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SSweat.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. SPull.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex.Pull. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SThrust.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.Pump. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SSweat.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SPull.ePump.x. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.Pump. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SeSweat.x. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SPump.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.Sweat. Sex. Sex. Sex. SexPump.. Sex. Sex. Sex.Pump. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SexSweat.. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pump.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. TSweat.hrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SPumPull.p.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pump.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SeThrust.x. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. SSweat.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.Pull. Sex. Sex. Pump.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SexPump.. Sex. Sex. SPull.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. 

CUM~.

I haven't been Sad for good reason in a long time.

It feels good to cry tears that are meant to be shed.

Ill play this when I die.

BIFUCKINGPOLAR.

Hey.
Yo.
So.
Si what>what's up with oyu?
well i'm drunk.
what happened.
 green lantern asked me out. I sad yes.
did you lik egoing out?
absolutely.
why?
because i could reignite the friendship we had.
man.
man what>
u dib;t I don't know if I can be as good of friends as I use to be
Wgy are yiou so scareD?
because. I'm diffeernet.
Plus I didn't really... like everything that he did.
Well. He should know that. do you tink he does..?
maybe. i'm not sure.
you know... you're talking to youreself
yeah i know.
how does it feel?
esta bien.
it feels gooed?
yeah.
It does.
Really?
yeah.
How good?
la camisa negra good.

I slept for 17 hours

I came home from work yesterday, and just Slept.

Slept from the world.

Slept from hunger.

Slept from consciousness.

I felt the bones in my back crack and adjust

To this new defeated position.

It felt good.

Damn Good.

I didn't take my medication yesterday.
I don't think I will today.
I think the medication may be making me crazy.
If it gets worse, obviously I'll take more of it.
This is just an experiment.

So.
Buckle.
Your.
Seat.
Belts.

I'm Isolated.

Not a soul
Not a shadow
Nor a voice
Or a reason.
I am the cold heart
of this dark season.

I thought about screaming. I thought about calling 911. I thought about calling my mom. I thought about being ashamed. I realized I'm crazy.

I might do it.

Don't Do it.
I might do It.
Don't Do it.
I MIGHT do It.
Don't talk about why.
Why.
Because it'll hurt you.
I'm doing it.
Shut the fuck up. Your just looking to scare everyone. You're just looking for attention because your mind thinks you need love.
Oh, and is that true?
Yes. That's why you act suicidal.
I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love.

Suicide

is like taking everyone that's associated to you-

and telling them "Find what's wrong with me."

Well. I guess i'm waiting.

Acting Out.

I've realized that nothing I do gives me that feeling of caring anymore. Nothing out there hurts me when I think about it.

Vios Con Dios my friends.

don't be afraid to text -> it can't hurt your chances of being friends with them. because if your choosing not to text, your never with them in the first place.

Refreshing

It's been a while.
as it has.

So, keep your shit together man. You've only got until tuesday till your final. Don't lose it. You can hold out right? I mean I think I can. Shit. What's been up recently? Let's see. A lot. Of, strange shit. I guess you could say. I'm trying to find emotion for a reason to write. Let's seeeeee. Dad has cancer.. I mentioned that. I'll write about that.

Pops, you were never there. But it's okay, I still love you for the bits that you were. I wish I had a regular life like everyone else where you'd be in the picture. But hey you get what you get. I have to make the best of it no? If you did raise me though, I can tell i'd be a lot more confident. I'd feel like i'd be worth something.

Earlier in the week, I had thought as I laid in bed after vigorously pleasing myself. I felt the high as the vile thoughts emptied out my head and looked at my flesh. I thought about how I didn't care about it and anyone could do almost anything they wanted to it. I realized that my everyday life was something as a mind out of body experience. Where I just displaced myself and wouldn't care what happened to me.

After that thought I thought of women. I thought of girls i'd meet who could do whatever they wanted with me if they choose. I thought of how much disgust I had for a woman who held herself as low as i did. It made me think of how fucked up I was. The thought of a woman not caring who does what to their body. I feel like a whore. A prostitute. I feel like dirt. No one else sees it. And no one else seems to care. Maybe it's just the people i'm around. Fuck man, I need to get out.

Ugh.

Late Again

Sex is a double edged sword.
It makes me high. It slits my throat.
It makes me feel love. It makes me want to die.
It makes life worth living. It makes me homicidal.

The 363

Don't look back? She asks as if shed spent a
long time waiting. Their shadows drew many
yards from the sun on the tracks. And what if I die?
He said like a man standing in the cold hard rain.
You don't have to worry--
We'll be in love forever. Her eyes stealing his soul.
The train raked in and the two lovers clutched close.
The hiss and steam blew fast. The train now dragging
 the wind in it's past. She looked back, he stood there,
standing, alone, without warmth.

Dropping The Hammer

She saw him standing in his workshop. Hand crafted arches
On both sides of the door way. "Nothing but love in this house"
carved into it's hard dark mahogany. His fingers were thick
and strong with the grip of a bear. Milling his wood with
the tools like a surgeon. Creating beauty with the soul we
can't see.

I've brought you lunch she says. Really? You're so sweet.
you know how much I love you don't you? I do she smiles warmly.

I'm speaking here because i've lost the only one I could truly speak to. but it's okay. i've honestly become accustomed to pain and hurt. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and act the same. I don't care. I don't care. I'm going to do the things i always do, without the thought of you. i don't care i don't care. When you talk about your past relationships and how you said i'd be legendary, know I don't give a flying fuck. What you thought i was. It's meaningless. Leave me out of your fucking list of casualties.

Third Person

He hasn't found a way to summarize
life in a few simple words. His mind
grew sick of little quotes and sayings.
He found that life can't be grouped
 and snuggled tightly in a sentence.
That would make him feel happy
every time he said it.

He couldn't find solace, in the things that
once held his smile. His art, his dog, his
family, his car. He regrets every word
that leaves his lips as if they were times
where he could have been kissed.

So when he sleeps at night, it's hard for
him to tell, whether life is worth living or
if it's just hell.

Twenty Two

The realization of space and time came fast.
my eyes were still closed but I felt the warmth of
the piled blankets. The pain in my back still
tinged as I stretched and muffled. My love came
to mind as she always did.

Only horror and fear came to my heart.  My mind
has truly turned against me. I can't experience the
warmth and adoration she has to give. I only think
of the end and how her words may be crossed. That
one day, she'll realize she's a goddess. That a man
like me is only a blade of grass in a field.

I can read clearly, that Paranoia is tattooed on my chest.
Above fragmented and unrest. It's obvious when I can't
speak to my friends, because the pain my mind gives me.
 It just demands isolation. Silence. Oh, the life of being me.

Aging

Its been a while since ive felt... raw. I feel like I'm a light that shoots through a prism. I feel like 99% of the time i'm just. fragmented. I have little parts of me that want to do things and little parts that don't. My mind finds the bad things in all the sediment like a fucking streamlined filter. My mind. My mind. My mind.

I can't take how I don't express through my face the way I feel. It's as if, i'm disconnected. That i'm severing the bonds between mind and body. I haven't eaten all day but one meal. I went to sleep hungry. I barely found solace today.

davelove~

Feeling

Despite how mad I get.
..I still _ _ _ _  _ _ _.

Fuck

Fucking Narrow minded.
Fucking Sensitive.
Fucking Ignorant.
Fucking One sided.
Fucking Blind.
Fucking Miss-interpretive
Fucking Close minded
Fucking Hard headed

Fucking Fuck I'm Angry.

Drawing In Class

Snort Cocaine.

I need some confidence. In life. Assurance. That every breath is worthwhile.

Good Morning

I layed in bed. Forever. I didn't want to leave. I didn't have to ask myself when i woke up, why wake up? because my body already knew. It just knew that it was better to sleep and stay out of the world then stay in it.

I woke up to an anonymous number texting me.

"Hey where are you?"

It was one of the trio. I missed an important meeting for the club i'm in.

I want to say it's because i'm depressed and completely out of it. But, I didn't mark it down on my calendar. I thought about it, and I think it was because I'm just to depressed to give a fuck.

My body is running on the bare minimum. It's running bare bones on the lowest possible function. It's trying to make everything simple because I can't take the stress.

I hate this stupid song but can't stop listening. "Broad Ripple is Burning"

Jobro asked why i was taking a picture of this. I mumbled eh no reason.

Empty.

I feel like i've been carved out.

I'm a hollowed core.

Scraped clean.

Numb And Raw.

It's been quite a while since I truly wrote.

I've been finding myself the way I should have.

The stress of I guess trying to find someone after X, has caused me to be unable to cope with just about everything.

I'm a zombie who walks the earth searching for love. I don't care for money. I don't care for food. I don't care for air.

I

Just

Want

Love

I want to spend everyday waking up next to someone.
I want to fucking. Die. Already.

I recently found my father has stage 3 colon cancer. It's metastatic (spreading) and the doctors gave him about 2 years left to live. I love you Dad.

I'm late for work.

And can't stop thinking how much I regret doing something that I don't know the outcome of.

Finding Myself.

I wanted to write real quick before sleeping. I'm afraid i Can't find my self again. I can't find out what I truly want to do with myself. It's hard to see. It's hard to just feel. All I know is that I just...


































find solace in one place.

This is horrible. I should have just edited it.

getting old fast.

Someone Once told me.
To Just write without editing.
               To just let one self, go.                       
It can be beautiful or
Something that we regret.
     I find myself often in regret
and missing the beauty.
Despite the way I look for you
     we're always one step off.
I mistook tonight. In far too many places.
This is why-- I fear. I fear we cannot grow and behold.
     To the story where we get old. That I'll be irrational, horrid, filling you
              with pain. To which may be wrong or right, I never find
                            pleasure-- only great disdain. Can you see it's why I
                                          ask you? To profess love so often? To quell
                                                       the heart and mind built on a
                                                        foundation of old sticks? I'm sorry
                                                            If I'm horrible for times I can't
                                                      Remember... The Ominous Elipses
                                             that do. And we can never help but find
                              them to be true. So tell me love, What I want to
                    hear, the thing about me and you and life with just us
               me and you? I regret not having. That one last chance
     to make sure were happy. Where I say good night, and
blow those genuine kisses. I'm sorry if I'm crazy. But, love.
I know I'll always come back to you, as long as your willing.
to hear me cry and plea-won't you just _ _ _ _ me?

Shit's Gone Astray.

Blank

Pauses

So with every sentence. There's this, Silence. This void of space and time. Where thought should not occur, but in my mind it does. It takes root and find's itself buried deep in the ground. It wonders why no reverberation comes to return it's original wave. It stands there in awe. Feeling every searing second waiting. It believes the depths of the earth may be infinite. That nothing will ever come back, to let it know that it's not alone in this universe. I'm finding fear. In these, Pauses. Paranoia, you've won this game. I have not overcome this burden. Just yet.

Tuesday

I

Adore

You

Your smile
Your laughter.
Us laying in bed,
pressing against the wall.
laid uncomfortably
sprawled and cross limbed

we lay together.

the streaks of the sun

come from the blinds

gliding through our skin

we hide half our faces

and look in eyes

to find nothing

but our beautiful lives.

Hiding.

From behind these walls, she barely stood tall. She looked with peering eyes through the window to see the kids playing outside. Their laughter and excitement and rush could be felt through the shutters. She grabbed close to the sill, thinking of what if they see.. I'll just pry with one my one little eye she whispered. Carefully growing her head like a cheetah in the pride. Her face sank close to the edge of the wooden window, gently brushing her lips. The kids did not see a thing and laughed and played without a wonder. She spoke "I see you."

Breathing

I'm trying so hard.
To just keep breathing.

Crying

Get the fuck away from me.

Today

Let's get serious.
You know who you are.
You know what you want.
You know what you can do.
You just choose not to.
Out of fear.
Out of regret.

Dreams

My dreams are fucking intense. It's stressful but not at the same time. I imagine in my sleep things I need to do for the day. I imagine them and then actually believe i'm doing them. I imagined calling my father. We had a full length conversation. I was glad to call him. He was glad to call me. I hung up the phone after the conversation and wondered well, what do I do now. Then I said to my self oh i've got to get a haircut. I drove to the barber down the road. I walked inside and asked if they could cut my hair any shorter. There were moments that skipped to where I was in the chair. I wondered why I didn't remember them. I said oh that's just my really shitty memory. and kept going along. The barber was really ghetto looking as most of them were at this barber shop. I sat in a black leather chair and he threw the tarp over me as I tried to get over my anxiety of being around people. He pushed my head forward to raise the clippers on the back of my head. He was pressing hard at first then easier as he got higher on my head. He moved to my side, doing the same movements as I felt his finger tips grabbing my head. Then he disappeared. I looked around the shop confused. I saw everyone walking around and asked another barber if they knew where he went to. He said he'd be right out. My aunt came into the shop. I thought she was there to pick me up. She had crazy hair that was very thick and longer then hers was. She didn't speak. The barber came up to her without knowing if she spoke english and asked me if she wanted a haircut. I said no she's here to pick me up, but she interrupted and said she did. She didn't understand him the first time he asked her. I said oh okay. and then awaited for my barber. He finally came back and started working on me again. The next thing I knew I was getting up from the chair going to pay for the haircut. The kid who was at the register I now realize was the kid I saw at a bar a few days ago. I asked him if my haircut was finished and said fuck it i'll just come back. And he told me that I didn't have to pay because they were really unprofessional and that it didn't take much to fool them. So i said okay, and walked out of the store. Outside the store turned into a bar. I saw President hanging around the side and started speaking with her. Asking her what she was doing here. She was excited to see me and told me the people who she knew here. I saw her sister and she told me to go speak to her. I wasn't sure of her name and I said lauren or laura? and she said lauren laughing histarically. I walk in her direction and she disappears. I find my old bestfriend supra, and we began talking walking around. Eventually he walks off and I see ireland. She comes up to me after I scream her name and she says hey whats up and gives me a big hug. She came close like she wanted to kiss me but as I stood still, she backed away. I told her that it's weird how she does that, but she denied doing it. She left me and I grew tired of the spot I was in. I found one of green-lantern's old friends and asked him how long this bar has been here. He said it was crazy good and they go there every tuesday. I said no way. President told me we'd go there this week as she appeared out of the blue and disappeared just as fast. There was a crowd of people so it was easy to get lost and have it be believable. Me and green-lantern's friend walked down to the lower portion of the bar, me tripping and finding an open bag of candy taking it. To the left me turned into an indoors convenience store. There was a line of gift cards on shelves to my left and if you followed it, it turned into shelves with candy. I mentioned to greenlantern's friend, I love how they keep the really easy to open plastic bag candy so close to all the drunk people. He said you're crazy man as I was shoving the candy corn and unwrapped starbursts in my mouth so nobody would see I stole them. We walked around for a bit, Then I blacked out, became frustrated with myself because I couldn't remember moments of the night. I realized it was a dream. I woke up to Jobro calling me.

Don't read this. It's just Pointless bullshit.

I can't take this.
I can't take this.
I can't take this.

I can't take this.
I can't take this.
I Cant take this.

I caN't take THIS.
I CAn'T take THIS.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS.

speak speak speak. I can't help but not think i can't help but scratch the fucking walls for words to the feelings i feel. I can't find the words i want. I can't find anything i'm looking for. I'm blind with out a hope. I'm blind and full of doubt. I can't trust people. I can't trust liars. I can't find the ground? Oh dear fucking god where is the ground? NO ONE SHOULD READ THIS. I'm just going to close my eyes and type. I'm just going to type and type and type until i feel like i shouldn't type anymore. It should be a good way of expressing myself. I hope that I can. Let's see.  what do i want right now? I want to be happy with Tuesday. I want to be happy with tuesday I want to be hapyp with tuesday. But i don't know if i can. Why can't you> beacuse, i feel like something is a miss a rye a fucking hang nail that's ready to rip flesh to bone. I can't take it i can't take it I can't take it. I can't take this I can't take THIS I CAN'T TAKE THIS.

N o  o n e  s h o u l d  f e e l  s o r r y  f o r  m e.

The more we get pain the more work it takes. The more work it takes to unravel the spindle of pain that hides our core. The core which is beautiful and prestine. God damnit. God fucking damnit. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

2:28 PM

Well fuck.

I'm disappointed.

In what?

The day.

What's wrong with the day?

I expected to be out somewhere with someone.

Who's someone?

No one in particular. I just. Thought i'd be out somewhere. and that someone would want me there.

You're in a rut today.

I know I am.

It's strange isn't it?

Do you know why you're in a rut?

I think so.

Tell me what happened.

Well, kansas jobro and I were playing xbox and kansastold us he had some girl stay over his house. then brushed it off like it was nothing. Then he said he had a friend who he'd just randomly hook up with whenever he wanted. Kansas is not attractive but he is a really nice guy. I just.. find it so.. hard to believe that someone could have such success in finding someone to just be there and want him, (it doesnt matter physically or emotionally.) It makes me look at my life and see that I don't know what i'm doing to be so alone. It made me think of the reason why I broke up with X. To live a life like that. To live a life I can't live. But i'm starting to think even if I had the life he did, it still wouldn't be enough. I feel like just saying fuck the world right now. Fuck the world and leave me alone. I want to just walk outside and find a field so that i can just lay there and bask in the sun.

You know..

What do i fucking know?

I'm sorry. I don't have words to tell you right now.

It's okay. I'm going to go, pass out or smoke weed or something.

Fourth Person.

Come Home

(If a correct assumption) From the point of view of another but given through first person.

Hey.

Hey.

Do you know who I am?

I don't know, you are, because I am you.

I'm stressed because I don't think I could ever just hang out with someone.
:Erase:

Do you have things that you like to do?

Video games... Draw.. guitar.. tv..  school..

Do you really feel like you enjoy those things?

Not really.

Just do it.

Do what?

You know what we think

You know what I think?

Yeah.

Well, no.

Okay. Can I tell you something? I don't look forward to tomorrow.

You don't?

No. It's just why bother?

I couldn't tell you.

You should erase time.

I should.

Me and X

I don't know why I'm so angry looking. I was probably being joke serious.  I have to say, I look quite bad ass/assholish with my Mohawk and that stern look. Haha.

Withdrawal?

Bleeding thoughts through the crevices of my brain.
Ripping nails off the hands of self-control
Tearing through life, the sail will surely end.

My Head

Is surging. Flushing. Churning. When I stand up, my head. It just. Goes. The pounding, the disorient. It makes me feel like i'm high. It makes me want to act out, but realize that i didn't need to act out. It makes me want to speak, only to regret the words once spoken.

The chill the window sends to my arms and back is growing. The time I find to write is slowly crying.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

Can't Focus.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

I'm slowly crashing.

Finding less reasons to.

Fictional Story:

She didn't know how she ended up here. Or how she got in this photo. With the faces she couldn't make out even without the editing. The night was a daze, and with awing twists. She walked haplessly around the party with no shoes that she dearly missed. Her jeans were tight and her shirt a bit to revealing. Revealing to her beauty not to her flesh. Revealing to the mind of all those who tried. Her gait was a stagger, with the purple of the sky above her. The grass felt fresh like a garden green ballad. She would encompass the grounds with a joyous vigor. Throwing her body to the teeth of the liquor. The people they watched and laughed without anger. They were happy as she to be now and there. To live that day, to breathe air.

 Her ghost was helpless to watch. Far from the real. He watched in horror, as he could not protect her. He shot looks and glares and Burned out screams from life there after. At the men who gazed for curiosity, space, or whatever. He felt uncalm and uneasy. Her skin no longer warmed his heart in the darkness of after. He would never see the reflection of himself in her eyes, never. It irks him to follow, but he knows he couldn't stop. The flame has been lit and will never black out. His fire would never die so he'd just cry. To hover on her shoulder, he'd try his hardest to be close. He held his arms around her even as a ghost.

drunk and beyond.

oituesdayimthinkingofyoullllllllllllllllllllllllllllmyphonehsasbnobackspaceorspaceingeneralllllllllllimveryidkrightnowwhenwillourlifestartllllllllllllllllllllllimwaittingforitllllllllllllllllikeyouwouldtbwouldntbelievemebutiuhiadoreyoulllllllllllllllllllllllllliadoreuyouyyouoyouyouyouyouyouyouyoulllllllllllllllllllithinkthtonedaywellmeetanditllbeoneoftthehappiestdaysinourlifelllllllllllijtoiimgoingtosleepihopeyourdoingokaurokayrightnow

Buddha.

Laying

I'm on the floor. Looking into space. Feeling the hard surface push against my lungs when i breathe in. It feels relaxing and off putting at the same time. I wish I could just lay. I could just lay and lay and lay and lay. I wish I had someone to lay with me. To do what I wanted. Unquestioned. Is it so much to ask? To just have someone to lay with?

Disgust

Feeling it.

The rut is at a distance.

It's not what i'm feeling.

What are you feeling?

Who knows.

You

It's a bit indescribable.

Hm.

Yeah.

Sust.

So can you talk to me?

Can you talk to me?

No./No.

Head down.
Eyes closed.
Breathe.
Repeat.

Fearful

Do I need to explain?

It'll only rain.
The clouds will cover the sky
The food will be bland
The birds won't sing
Kisses would sting

I should be

Dead.

i drove home drunk.

i feell asleep.

 several times.

I don't remember the trip.

I saw deer.

IT was.
Fucking dumb


I should be dead.
Ishouldbedead.

I should be DEAD.

WHO FUCKING CARES THAT I'M ALIVE.


WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT I THINK WHAT I TALK ABOUT?

NO ONE FUCKING CARES. NO ONE WANTS TO LIVE FOR ME NO ONE WANTS WHAT I WANT.


Maybe you should off yourself

you know i don't htink it's that bad

then why are you so.. crazy?

i don't fucking know i just have all this.. feeling in me.

you know what i think you should do?

what

get a girlfriend.


maybe.


what do you think that would solve?


nothing..

sexual frustation?

possibly, but who fucking cares.


once it's over, it's like.. who fucking cares?

you know what dave?

what.

you're drunk.


you' have work

you'rge going to be the most jaded person I know.


Alright.


FUCK THE WORLD. FUCK EVERYTHING THAT IT STANDS FOR.

tell life i said

fuckyoulllllajee`iadoreyoulifeistoohardtooshortandtooquickformeidontknowwhattodowithmylifehahahahahahahahahimaybedrunkbutiknowdeepdowniwanttowelltakeeverythingonestepattimeforgivemeforwhatimaboutodoimnotgoingtokillmyselfipromisebutwhenyoudonthearfrommethinkofblank

Head Cold

I just got my head shaved at Jobros.

I took a video of me and kryptonite going out at one of her friends house party's.
I want to wrtie about how it went. It was uh, pretty uh. Dirty. In the cleanliness sense.

Fuck I'm going to be late for escuela

I was bored.

Chapter 1

Presence

He woke up to the steel cold air biting his toes. The blanket he wishfully wrapped himself in the night before had lost it's place. His eyes were still closed and the grip on his muscles in his jaw were taught. He wrinkled his eyes as he crunched and curled his body to finally arising into a sitting position. He hugged his knees as he ran through the spontaneous thoughts he had imagined in his sleep. The girl who smiled at him in the coffee shop. The bug he followed on his hands and knees as it carried crumbs. The ship he saw on television carrying his car keys. He realized the ridiculousness and how unconnected his thoughts were. He spent an hour in bed. Writhing. He laid pillows behind his back against the wall to use like a couch. It reminded him of therapy.

Therapist: So what did you think about when you grabbed the knife?

Matheus: I didn't think.

Therapist: Are you sure? You didn't think of anything that made you sad?

Matheus: I thought of her.

Therapist: Who?

Matheus: Nevermind.

Therapist: You've come across something you feel would change what  I think of you. I'm nothing more then a mirror or a reflection in the water.

Matheus: You're wrong. You're more like reality.

He looked at the scars on his wrists. He thought of how they took him away from life. He thought it was beautiful. The way the body could heal itself so easily. Holding his arm up infront of his face the dim green lights of modern technology peered in the corner of his eye. The clock read 7:47. He realized he was late for work. Nearly an hour had passed since he woke. Work had no feeling to him. He couldn't describe it. It was inborn in his mind that as a man he should work so he did. He quickly ate his breakfast as he saw it more as fuel rather then a delicious taste or texture. He walked down the stairs of his apartment, hoping not to come across another. He hated people. He felt those he didn't know were equal to wolves in the wild. He dared not to make eye contact, and when he did he would stare them in the eye and reflect their emotion. He'd blackout when he spoke. Never remembering the conversation but rather the sensation. Pain. He forgot he moved to the city. A place where people gathered. He hailed a cab as soon as he got to the curb and spoke "35th st and 8th ave." He moved to the city to get close to his now ex-girlfriend.

A.C.

Drunk

Hung over

High

I'm paranoid.

Anthony Kiedis

X read a book about him. His life. Synopsis: He was drugged out by the age of 4. Hes normal why can't I be?

 The lyrics of RHCP's songs feel like the same way I think. Random insensible lyrics jumbled up out of context. Everything can be taken metaphorically. But most importantly, it's beautiful.

Manipulate

Defend
Seethe
Reprimand.

:To take the ground where it's given. Despite the respect and admiration.

To hide a lie within a lie to break.
              Finding alike to spite the night

So can you find the walls with your eyes closed?
       
                                              best to hold hands high.

don't walk fast now. she'll grab you by your feet.

Folly

His cancer grows.
      In the dark corners of his mind.
              Where no one can see the graphic memories
He's left behind.

Crack
          Crack
                         Crack
                                                Crack
                                                                       Crack
              *Drip*

Human

A heart breaks.
With the sound of thunder
Dreams disperse
Like the reflection of dark clouds on water
The warmth leaves
Like the early abandonment of a passionate lover

These are feelings I once felt.
Feelings I used to know
Feelings that I could relate.

Now, Jaded
rough.
displaced.

Shifting

Find your center
find your core.
Find the earth
find the ground.
Lose the space
that needs no place.
Take the pain
that makes insane
and find it holds
the brain in place.
It lives two lives
I cannot deny
so let your
mind erase.

What's Wrong?

I am stone
I do not change or morph
or have different faces
I do not carry different tones
or stand in different places

you try to fit me in a cup
that I break
you try to move me to a different place
but I stay
you try to tell me I am not stone
hoping I'll fray.

Please Don't Be Sad.

I'm sitting here, Staring at your picture.
seeing you even when my eyes close.
I have fragments of images that play
like the old home movies
with all the heart warming effect.
while we lay in bed.
The heat of the sun holds our passion.
I'm following your arm
with gentle eyes
so close that you can feel my breath.
you're sleeping but awake
knowing my presence you embrace
our own selfish desires
gliding my face along the fingers of your hand.
you're eyes slowly open up
but they look at me as if they'd been open
as if they knew what to expect.
the calmness of this moment is so, serene.
the love, so deep.
my heart sinks in these dreams
but for now, we'll just breathe.

:-*

I need a break

My emotions are running dry.
Not you miss paranoid.
This feeling got me by the throat today.
I was doing fine.
playing games.
listening to music
having fun.
but now there's this
blunted affect.
i can't stop staring
at the cuts of light
breaking through my blinds
unto my arm.
it speaks to me
saying
bask
and
wait.
I think i need to lay down
break from reality
stop and breathe.
kiss me, won't you?

Emails

Our Protagonist-------------------------
Thats good! I'm really glad to hear that you're living with your aunt. I told you to live with her, i don't know why you didn't think you could.. Lol. But tax preparer's class.. yeah i gotta get on that shit too, my mom takes over all my financial stuff and tax shit so i'm super clueless. i'll be a fish out of water by the time i move out on my own.

I know you did, he told me. He's hilarious haha. I literally laughed out loud when he was talking about you and how he missed you. It's alright if you tell me though Tito James doesn't really have anything to hide.. I don't think he knows how to hide anything.. haha. I don't really care that he comes to visit you it's whatever. My family just likes you is all. They just want to make sure that you're doing okay. I'm sorry it makes it uncomfortable, what's so uncomfortable about it? I mean if you don't want to talk about it and want me to tell them to back off I will.

Don't worry about it! I'm only talking to you in a friendship way. I honestly want nothing to do with a relationship right now. But it's hilarious, my mom brings you up still and it's just a broken fucking record every other week. It's just because I haven't had a girlfriend since you so they're all like weird about it. Idk, it's a filipino thing, what my mom and tito james does. I don't f'n get it and I never will. It's best to just say whatever and let them do their thing haha..

The reason i was speechless last email is cause i was in one of those ruts. I bounce in and out of em. It's not too bad, just everything gets frustrating ya know? I'm doing tons better I think now, although I feel super selfish doing things for myself. and only myself. I'm having a hard time saying "fuck you, it's about me" when it comes to doing anything with people but i'm getting better at it.


i'm going to digress a bit. I just randomly have these urges to spurt out random utterances. It makes me feel like i'm crazy haha.. Like, at the end of the last paragraph. I just wanted to write out poetry randomly. Horrible poetry of course, but poetry none the less.


the life we live
the love we give

the things we hate

makes but pain

so save our fate,

we must forget

to continue on

the life we love

we move on


X----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well its nice to know that your family is just as interesting as I remember them lol and it just makes me laugh when you say that stuff about christina and  james.I do feel bad for ynah though since shes stuck in the middle... at least she has you to talk to about those things! When I saw your titio james he mentioned that she goes to college now, that's great!

Anyway....Considering I was the renown jmhs poetry club editor in chief my senior year, I must say your writing does sound a bit mediocre.... jk!  I would put you in the magazine. Maybe your the next walt whitman, you can take free verse to the next level! Writing is a good way to express yourself, I use to keep a diary when I was younger even. 

How is guitar going btw? In my opinion maybe you should stop labeling yourself as crazy, and just say artistic because if I remember correctly your were amazing with pen and paper, a musician, and now you write poetry. Think about it.

Living with my aunt it alright I guess, I'm really grateful to be staying with her. I like being able to help her with general things around the house. She walks around on oxygen and can't catch her breathe sometimes. The other day I drove her around toms river to get some shopping/business done that she otherwise couldn't do in one day. And I love cleaning, which sounds weird, but there's tons of it that needs to get done here. Like I said it alright living here, except we tried watching colbert together (which she actually enjoys watching, score!) but then she found out I didn't vote, so she gave me this whole lecture on voting....we eventually found a middle ground lol

Hmm ...and about feeling selfish sometimes, well I think as long as it's in moderation it's okay to act on. And if it doesn't bring harm to anyone, then seize the moment. For some period of life everyone should satisfy their own wants and desires, it's natural. How else can someone learn the sort of things they like. It's a different kind of feeling to accept, but it's there for a reason.

Decipher

I'm trying so hard to lose my soul.
It's something I really don't need.
If the devil were to make a bargain,
he'd be a happy fellow indeed.

A soul is a thing
that puts meaning to hate
pain that can be so great

If only I rid my key to heaven
I could help you find it's path
To show you how to take
every step to it's last.

I want to steal the dark
of the world and
bear it in my chest.
So you may finally look at me
smile and rest.

The Fuck

It grabs my chest tight.
A fucking feeling that i can't shake off.
No matter how far i run it's right there with me.
The fucking bane it carries
Burden digging deep. deep. deep.
The wishes i carry
Drag pain like chains
the anchor sinking deep.

Old

I feel like an old man in a young man's body. I feel like i've lived a hell of a life, and now I'm alone after the death of a spouse. I feel like i've walked through everyone's shoes and could say i've been there before. I feel like there's no more room to grow and i've hit the ceiling. I can't find that connection everyone so effortlessly makes. That one where people can have a relationship. I really don't understand where it comes from. What makes people so much more adept to be in a relationship then I? What makes someone a good partner? I really don't understand it. I feel like. I'm a fucking mutant. something of another species walking among mankind. I look human on the outside. But as soon as someone gets to know me, it's just.. well. A red flag gets set. My friends don't call me unstable.

Breaking thoughts.

Everything is slowly losing meaning.
Hold on, Hold on.

beyond frustration

iffefeefeelllilikddedesdestdestrdestrodestroydestroyidestroyintththiffufucfuckfuckifuckipphphophonaaneeveveevereveryeveryteverytheverythieverythinimyyyyyryyroyyrooyyrooorrmrmmrmmmrmmmmrmmmmrrmmmmrirmmmmrigrmmmmrighrmmmmrightrmmmmrightnrmmmmrightnormmmmrightnowrmmmmrightnowwrmmmmrightnowww

The Absence of Thought

Fuck so where have I been? Well, no where. It's time to cut clean and cut deep. Firstly, Tuesday, I'm sorry if you've been hurting. I felt like I just needed to be alone for the last few days.

I don't think I can feel love anymore. The thought in my mind is completely.. broken. I mean, I can feel the same feelings of love and attraction, but my experience tells me it's pointless. That one day it'll just end. Like the way I ended it with X. My mind tells me, why are you going to bother to find someone when you know either you or her will fuck it up. One of you will just, give up. It's hard enough to have one person to have unending commitment. I feel like, even if I had the girl who lives so far away, I still wouldn't be satisfied.. I feel at unrest. I can't stop standing.

I feel horrible. At myself. With the loss of lack of love, i'm finding myself becoming more.. Apt for sex. I'm finding I don't care about relationships as much because I can't find anyone who can relate to me. I can't find anyone who feels the same way I do. Who knows the revolting truths of most people. Who gets sick the world so easily, and can't do anything but help themselves to fall head over heels for anyone. Who you can tell anything, and they still wouldn't mind. Seriously, when did people become so uptight?  I can't empathesize.. maybe that's my problem?

Fuck.

You know why I like listening to explosions in the sky? It makes me feel like i' mdead. Like i'm no longer in my body. Like i'm in some distant place, where the physical doesn't exist and theres only emotion. waves of energy flowing like the aurora lights.

Can't you stay?
While this feeling in my heart grows to die everyday?

I'm going to get high and blast eits.

Growing Legs

I'm trying to find my balance again. I'm feeling.. A little more independent then usual. But i'm still having these crazy ass swings. I feel like it's just a daily thing. Either the day is good and well, or shit and painful.

I woke up today in the strangest manner. I felt tired, but couldn't sleep. I saw the darkness of my eyes closed behind the lids like thick shutters in a dark room. Every few moments I'd throw up my wrist to my face, to look at my watch I fell asleep with. Time would just melt with each wink. I had these crazy dreams that i have no recollection of but i'd swear were real. I can only just barely catch the edge of reality and find out that the dreams i had weren't memories. I imagined instances of just.. being around with jobro and everyone, and having something completey random happen. Something like where we'd just be at a table and he'd bring up submarines. Then when i'm walking around in the day, we bring up submarines and something would click in my head, and i'd say hey didn't we talk about this before? wait. no that was a dream. I felt fucking exhausted just laying there. Searching for a comfortable spot. I writhed and wiggled and stretched vigourosly. I turned onto my stomach and went into fetal position to relax my back to rest. I'd then sprawl out stretching my back as far as it could bend giving a short burst of screaming aloud.

I don't know where i'm going with this.

Today, Was A Decent Day

Work. It surprises me how happy it makes me. I don't get it. I mean I do, but I don't. I think it's because of me helping others. I don't even think of it in that way though. I just love connecting with the people. Hearing their worries solving their problems. It's like being a mini-jesus. It just feels so rewarding being there with the people. Having patients say hello knowing my name. It feels.. So damn good. It staved off the depression for sure. I feel it creeping back now though. It's a bit of a bitch. I'm wondering where Tuesday is. She got me all riled up for nothing it seems. I hope she had a wonderful day. I also, have to post something.

---------------------------------

" Our Protagonist : I'm trying to think about why I wanted to write to you. Well, to cut shit to the point and what not, I guess it'd be easy to start this off by saying.. Well I've begun to... Lose it? I'll get to that later. I'm starting to think I just wanted to write to you to tell you where I am right now. I'm not even sure if you'd care to read it. I just.. Wanted to share it with you as odd as that seems.

I hope your doing well, and I really do mean that. I can't tell you how horrible I felt for making you leave, and living with Andrew driving to work so far. I really hated myself for making your life worse. Everyone I told that told me I should be feeling that way. Which sounds right, but I stll did.

Fuck, I'm sorry for being like this, but. Yeah, i've really truly started to believe I'm losing it. Like, I've begun taking anti-depressant medication, and I can't take just.. being around myself anymore. I wake up feeling like shit sometimes, and it's getting worse. Nothing makes sense in my head.. Like.. i'm losing a sense of logic, i've already lost most of what's right and wrong.

I'm writing to you because I see you as a close friend, even though were not together, and things ended up the way they did. I still really want to be friends with you.

Thinking about how you'll react while reading this, I can imagine you saying, "good he fucking deserves it." I may. You don't have to respond to this."

----------------------------------

" X : Protagonist, you don't ever have to feel uncomfortable if you want to talk to me about something. You also don't have to defend or apologize for our breakup either, its in the past  and we all make our own path in life. I would like to say that I also consider you a close friend, dispite not talking for a long time. And I'm not so sure, or I cant tell, if you really wanted me answering your message but I will anyway. I want you to know that if you ever feel down, need a buddy, or a second opinion on something, I'll be more than willing to offer any help you may need.

Okay, so we haven't talked in a long time so I don't know the full circumstances behind the prescription of your medicine, and I don't expect you to tell me. You say you lost your sense of right and wrong, but Its okay to do the wrong thing sometimes, you learn the most from mistakes. You shouldn't feel bad when you wake up in the morning, because every day is a new one. Its a crazy world, people just live in it. Sometimes you have to face a lot of problems at once, and it seems too tough to handle, but with patience and sometimes a person to go through it with you, it will always work out in the end. Anxiety is a terrible emotion, so is depression. I know when I feel them, it feels like I just walked a millions steps backwards from my goals in life.  But we feel them, and its just makes me want to succeed even more. Other times just acknowedging the state of my emotions to someone makes me feel a lot better as well.They are emotions and I respect them, I don't think anyone can control/fully understand them. (unless your Budda lol)  I don't know if anything I'm saying applies to you, but I hope that maybe just one thing could have helped.

Like I said, your still a friend to me. And you don't  'deserve' anything negitive in your life. They say "Misery loves Company," well there are a lot of ways to interpret that. I think Company can actually fix Misery.... If you ever want to go out for a drink, or just  out  to catch up, I think it would be a great idea. But if not I respect that decision too. Your always welcome to just fb me if that all you need, or email."

 ---------------------------------

" Our Protagonist : Hey, sorry how weird and randomly spaced out that email was. I was a bit high for the half of it.. I smoke to get away sometimes and it helps me with this random anxiety lol. Im really glad you responded, I can't tell you enough how hearing from you still makes me happy.

As for the medication, im on the lightest perscription of lexapro, its this anxiety/depression drug. It was funny before I had this thing where id just pick something random in my life and blame it for the depression. Like first it was my weight gainer, then milk, then i thought i had thyroid problems, then dehydration, then alcohol.. etc lol. Joe and kristie were making fun of me saying what is it this month dave?

Everything you said helps me out a lot even if it doesn't apply. But the way im feeling is more than strange but also inexplicable... I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life, that there's nothing out there for me. I don't feel boredom anymore either.. it kind of just.. goes straight to depression. I've been this way for a couple months now and only started the med last month. I've been battling it for fuckinnn everrr lol. Nothing is what it used to be. Im also madd paranoid now too. Paranoid about people's emotions not general paranoia.

I started working on the psychiatric floor in my clinical. It wasnt a very pleasant place. It was a smaller version of what you'd expect to see in the movies but nothing is painted white. It reminded me of an old run down 70s home that wasn't well taken care of. There were several people there with mental problems. Some you could tell instantly, others had a more deceptive appearance. But they all had something in common it seemed, that they didn't take care of how they looked. They didn't care about themselves and the way they came off to others. I reflected this thought in my head while looking down at the floor while our instructor lectured us. I realized im coming closer and closer to being that way. Careless of myself and the presumptions of others. I asked myself, is this where ill end up one day? Sitting around old worn furniture with a bunch of strangers? I got scared. Im starting to believe so.

Im sorry if this email sounds like I don't want to hear more from you, I do. Sorry for being such a bummer. "

I'll keep you posted.

Wait What?

Still searching.

I'm starting to lean on weed more and more. Kill my time oh faithful drug. Kill it well.

Do you think I just need a Friend?

It could be. A deep friend. Someone who knows you to the bone and can be there for you as much as you need them to be. You need a girlfriend, but one, who truly, and consistently loves you.

Oi, i'm a needy fuck aren't I?

Yeah i'd say so.

What do you think I should do?

It doesn't matter what you do.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure. Try to be happy.

But how do I be happy?

Do the things that make you happy.

Like?

You Might Be Right

About the Bullshit.

I could definitely have love from her.

But, love might not be enough for me anymore.

Starving

I'm starving. For answers. for love.

This necessarily isn't answer that has to come from someone. It can come from anywhere. I just... fucking need it. My life is missing something. and that something is a deep part of my life it feels.

I woke up this morning, and everything felt.. Off. I touched my face and found it to feel foreign. It felt like the skin was a new skin I've never felt before. That I was learning it for the first time.

I looked in the mirror to see my same disheveled face. I looked at my hair which was so short and unkempt, I hated it. I looked at my glasses and found them to be too big for my look. I wondered how anyone could find me attractive. I know she does, but, I don't know why. I can't believe it when I'm by myself.

I started to think of all the past girls that have burned me, shut me down, put me out. It makes me want to be an asshole. From the beginning now, Ashley, Brittany, Grace, Megan, Diana, Alison, Ashley, Eva, Tori, Stephanie, Taylor.  I tried so hard to live for these girls. I gave them my all. I gave them the utmost respect and attention. I didn't care for myself, and devoted my life and time to help them. It's not like it hurt me to do these things for them. I gave myself respect and love. I just wasn't enough for them. You know what? Fuck everyone. Fuck everyone and their wants and needs. I need to become selfish. Cold hearted. Self pleasing.

One Day

I'll sing this song to you, right after we argue. Right when we want to make it up, and we say were sorry.

(I'm singing in my head.)

Fucking People

Love will go to those who are unkind.
Sex will go to those who are revolted.
Warmth will waste in the bed of the unfaithful.

Pain will come to those who are patient.
Grief will come to those with integrity.
Loneliness will engulf the mind of the righteous.

Despite all your actions and your beliefs, they're fucking pointless. You get what you get, you lose what you lose.

All I Want

Is someone to be there for me and love me dearly.

Gather

I try and pick up
the broken pieces
of this shamble of
a life
to carry all
the things
I've dropped
to break

I'm prying crumbs
from the carpet as
I loosen my grip of
The bloody rope
That tethers to this
3
ton
anchor
Trying to convince
myself that it's not
worth anything

Not worth the
pain or the
blood. or the
time I spend
looking in the
distance to find
answers to this
never ending
____

Disappointment

Life is a huge fucking disappointment. It's fucking undeniable. The things people will say, to disprove this fact are meaningless to me. They'll say, it's not because you appreciate having felt the things you do. I don't. They'll say, it's not because life is worth living because it's "good." and "happy." Listen, life is "good" because of a chemical in your brain that makes you act - innate, restful, energetic, and giving. Happiness can only be described to someone through the objective symptoms you can present. Not by the subjective.

I can't remember what I wrote, my internet cut out and I couldn't save the page. I wrote this this morning.

I Didn't Deserve You Anyway.

Major Revelation: You get upset, because you can't let go of the things you don't want to be happening.

It's already tomorrow morning and I gotta wake up for work. The room is so fucking hot i'm sitting here half-naked in my boxers. I'm blasting the ac while I write. This hurricane is going to be pretty interesting. I can't wait for it. They evacuated Sunchild's town.

Fuck I'm finding a lack of motivation to write.

You need to write about something you want to.

I want to write about Tuesday.

What about Tuesday?

She's gone.

Where did she go?

Away.

Away?

I don't know where, But I know she can respond, she just chooses not to.

You know she cares about you.

I believed she did. But.. Now... I don't.. even.. know...

What happened?

I'm ashamed to say.. I can't.. remember...

What do you mean? Don't you care about her enough to remember?

I care about her dearly, trust me. My memory is just.. fucking.. shot.. It's far too spent being.. burnt out from life.

But how you remember things directly reflects importance wouldn't you think?

Yeah... But.. She does mean a lot to me.

How would you rationalize that?

Well, I feel like a broken record. She's the only one who really knows me. Who really knows how I'd act and how I'd speak. She's the only one I can truly just say anything too anymore and be alright with.

What's that I feel in you?

Shut the fuck up.

Is it.. growing heart again?

I think.. It might be.. I might.. be able.. to take loss again.. and be.. alright...

Tuesday, Don't speak to me. I'm bad for you. Don't you keep me in your life, unless you need me to be. I'll be there for you.

A Violent Disassosciation

 Can't think. Can't rationalize. Can't relate. Can't find rest. I'm a fucking freight train. If your lucky, you won't ever meet me.

The Fate

I believe in Fate. It's what.. I call my religion. It's not the same thing.. of what many people think to be destiny. I just believe, that no matter who we are or what we do, the things that happen were meant to happen because of who we are and our surroundings.

I feel this, lacking in my life. I don't know what it's from. I'll admit, i'm a little bummed from Sunchild. And Queen. And universe.

Talk to me man.

Why

Because.

Because what man?

Because you seem.. Dead.

Maybe I am Dead? And you just don't know it.


Do you think you'll be alright tomorrow?

Hopefully.

Do you think you'll hear back from one of the girls?

Yeah...

Hm.

Hm. Is right.

Do you feel the disassociation?

Yeah you know I do.

What's it like?

Like I feel, Like.. I do'nt know. I pray it's just today.

Pray?

Our Fate in mind,
hallowed be thy prophecy,
you will come,
thy will be done
in reality as it is in mind.
Give us this day, our daily dread,
and show us our path,
as we will find it with another,
and lead us not to insanity,
but deliver us from FUCK.

I've upset eyes again. I'm sure of it. I can't take upsetting her. It hurts me. It hurts her. It hurts my world. I should treat her better. I'm a fucking prick. Good night cruel world. Fuck You Dearly.

Blend

She's filled with fire.
Every word she writes is a word intended to bite and sting.
She'll tell me otherwise if I ask.
Or tell me something that's completely indirect to the subject.
I care about her I do.
But I can't help her if she doesn't want to be helped.
But then again, does she need to be helped?
She's right for being angry at me.
I do want to be with Sunchild.
But I don't know why.
Probably just for comfort and sex.
I'm pretty sure that fact is what sets her off edge.
I mean, it should.
All I want to do when I speak to her is make her happy and treat her like a loved one.
The idea of having someone you like with someone else drives plenty of people off edge.
I wonder what that says, about us.
Should we be talking the way we do, if i'm going to be off with other people here?
I hope she'll truly be happy one day, with someone else if not me.

Finding what you want

To most people, this just kind of.. comes. It's not even second nature, it's first nature. It's constantly on everyone's mind. At least I feel like it is. I thought about Sunchild. She's away in Portugal right now. I thought about how she is, and how she treats me. I felt a little but uh, requited. I think that holds the right meaning. She 's breaking one of my fundamentals when I'm with her. I'm pretty sure my expectations are far more then out of fucking whack. But, that fundamental she's breaking is one that I know to be very, very crucial. "Never love someone more than they love you."

I just felt like.. It was that way when we last hung out. But it was strange, because she acted so nonchalant. Idk. She didn't give me enough love back. She didn't reciprocate. She told me she put's up this wall all the time ever since her one shitty relationship.

Important things to ask yourself:
-Why should I care, when they hurt me?

Ill write later.

Killing the Silence

Break. Break. Break. Break.

Hah, I'm rushing right now. Surging in fact. I can't find the flaws that I feel. I'm constantly searching. I can't stop ever looking and enduring. I feel it, i know it's there. I just can't find where. Their is something wrong with me. Something deeply wrong. Something so wrong that I can't see. I'm blind, because in my mind, nothing is right. And I realize nothing will ever end this fight.

The laws of silence

Don't speak
Always Think
Don't move with your eyes
Don't move in mind
Stay static.
Shapeless.
Be faux
Ideologic

Frat Party

College kids are something else. The human mind seems to always act so similar despite how we each view ourselves as independent people. I talked with several kids there at the party. Everyone of them had this... social haze in them. They were just so filled with what they wanted. They didn't care about much of anything because their goals were so met.

Journey

The pill is bliss. It's working great. I'm finding clarity in places I never thought I could.

Today was Tomorrow And Yesterday Tomorrow: Truth

I'm trying to map out all the things wrong with me in my head right now. It's really hard to think about. I think that'd be the first thing to say whats wrong with me. I can't focus. For the life of me. I really can't. I try to think of things that would give support to this statement. But I can't. But I feel it. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. It's like trying to build a house of cards on Teflon. It just won't work.

When I think on the other hand of the situation, maybe if i can't find support for my beliefs, I shouldn't believe in them. Because, without support, there's no ground. This can be a cause of some delirium for sure. Yeah, I quite like the sound of that. If I can't support it, don't believe in it. Despite your emotions. So let's try and think of something that bothers me, that I believe in.

Well shit. I can't think of anything right now. But I still want to write.

Oh here's something that's wrong with me, I can't choose to do the right thing anymore.

I can't choose to do the right thing and tell Tuesday, that we shouldn't speak to each other anymore. It'd just cause her pain. Pain because she'd just become more deeply attracted and liking to me. I know I deeply want to speak to her, but for the wrong reasons. I want her to love me. I think that's my desperation. My long journey of recovery after a four year relationship. My desperation for someone, because I guess I don't know how to live with myself anymore. But the most disgusting thing and thing I hate my self for, I want her to love me only while I don't have a love in real life. That's pretty true isn't it? Yeah. it is.

So, why can't I do the right thing? Because I feel too weak to carry on by myself. It is completely selfish. But I feel like I'm finally at my end. To the point where I contemplated suicide yesterday. I still don't think I'd do it, but I just started to think of the benefits of it. So, Tuesday is like my last leg. I shouldn't be using her for love, but I am. We say were friends, but I feel more then that. I think she does too, at least more then she's willing to admit. I can't think of what my life would be like with out her. Probably very lonely, seeing as to how i'd have no one to really speak to or know me. I still want Tuesday to be in my life even if i don't like her, but I'm afraid we'd have nothing to talk about. That our relationship would just fizzle when I found somebody.

Write

I got a weird depression today. Was strange. I felt like I just hated everything I was doing.

On the way to the gym today, I found out that all I really want in life, is to be there for someone. My goal is to serve someone. Give them myself. I don't quite agree with this at all.  I don't like the way it sounds. But I really know it's all I want.

I think I miss love.

When i'm depressed, I forget everything that makes me happy. Everything. I didn't want to go to the gym, and i did, and i'm gald. I didn't want to smoke up, because i believed it wouldn't make me happy, and I did, and i'm glad.

Morning

I feel like I woke up happy. I'm starting to believe, that being depressed, is a choice. A choice that I make to feel. Because I believe I should feel it. Right now I feel like I'm depressed. It's strange. I feel like I could cry on command. Ah well. Work.

Tonight

My head feels heavy. I can't sleep really. I wonder if i'm getting that side effect. I felt an easy stomach all night. My head was dizzy slightly at times. Hah, eyes. I bent over and had a head rush. We can share them now. I'm sitting here, feeling. Heavy. I can't get Tonight out of my head by lykke li. It's beautiful.

I spoke with my cousin/brother today. He came home from a break at work. I found him on the couch. He's always really interested to hear my adventures with meeting girls. I don't think he knows how much it takes out of me. I told him I was depressed. He told me he knew. Probably from his mom, from my mom. I opened up conversation about it by asking him how it was when he took them. He told me he was on Zoloft and it made him feel numb.  I told him I was on lexapro just for two days now. We talked about life. The way he sees things. The way he got out of his rut. He said he just got used to living. He got used to being in that way. And it just eventually stopped. I wonder if that will happen to me. I believe it wont. That's my crux. Wish I could believe otherwise. We talked about life and he made me happy. He made me see a way out of the depression. But i've lost it now. It had to do something with goals. Always be going toward a goal. I'm going to write them down on my dry erase board now.

GOALS
-move out
-become a pilot
-gain weight
-good grades
-graduate
-draw something beautiful
-find something you love.
-converse with a stranger each day

I should be eating. Shite.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Carrying on.

My head is getting a little heavy. questioning if the medication works to prolong emotions post-experience in your head.

Morning After

I took lexapro yesterday at 2 pm. You get the full effect after 2 weeks. I felt great an hour and a half afterward. By great.. I mean.. I didn't have that haze. that cloud. I felt some clarity.

The first few moments after taking the pill you don't feel anything. Than after a few minutes I started to get dizzy. I got easily irritated by anything. I ate right after the pill and I felt a little bit upset in the stomach. Not nauseous, some other kind of pain. Than after about 2 and a half hours, bliss.

Now begin
a new path.

Sunchild texted me once yesterday. I messaged twice. Hm. wonder what that means. I was too afraid to message her more but I probably shouldn't care. She's very careless. Then againnn.. Her conversations are pretty boring. I wonder what she'll think of me when I tell her I'm on meds.

I slept next to Sunchild last night. It was something that was- Confusing. Off. Skewed. Misplaced. My mind is still trying to wrap itself around the whole experience. It's hard because I'm realizing the detachment issues I have with this new found paranoia. I could barely leave her this morning. The night began with her and me texting:


Our Protagonist: Lol not much starvvvinnggg ( didn't send )
Our Protagonist: Are you in Sparta by any chance?
Sunchild: No why whats Up?
Our Protagonist: Didn't get my txt? Ar! I said i'm starvvving was gonna ask if you wanted to go somewhere to grab something to eat lol
Sunchild: Well your welcome to come to Rome and i'll make you somethin!
Our Protagonist: Really!
Our Protagonist: Idk if this is weird but hm would you mind if i crashed there? Id hate driving back tired haha...
Sunchild: Well I didn't think you would come lol iI don't have any food to cook here. But your welcome to come anyways. And yeah you can stayy
Our Protagonist: Haha well i'm feeling better ill grab something on the way if i come.. but wait is it cool if i do? lol
Sunchild: Yes lol.
9:00

I drove for an hour and a half. Rome was far from Sparta. The entire way down, I realized how I have such an adept control of time. How when I want something so bad, time just erases itself from meaning. I had no conception of the drive. It felt like only a moments time.

I pulled up to her house after having missed her street but I turned down the next road and realized it was a horseshoe. Her house was right on the water, I found that out in the morning. I jutted my head out eagerly around in my car looking for the house number. 42. The lights were on. In the back. The front was as dark as the inside of a coffin. I walked up to the door, calling her. Nothing. 10 minutes past, with a dog barking at 10:30 at night. I felt porch lights go on behind me.

I said to myself. "Fuck Sunchild you better have not fell asleep on me, I'd be pissed."

I thought in my head, I wouldn't be. Because I don't give two shits about my own life. I knocked on the door once. The dog began barking. He ran up to the fence behind me. I attempted not to look creepy. It was a ghost town, the air was dead silent, I could nearly hear my heart beat. 2 minutes, I knock again. The dog seemed to bark louder and it felt like he was jumping. I didn't dare turn around, I was hoping not to see the faces of the pissed off neighbors coming out of their door to see who was disturbing their sleep. She opened the blinds peering out. She opened the door.

The conversations we have are.. Strange. She doesn't give any feed back. She's like a leaf in a river. Aimless, without self-direction. Going forward in life without having the urge to fight it. She didn't care about a lot of things. Every time I asked her opinion, it seemed she had no answer, an inability to come up with an independent voice. She would say I keep putting her on the spot while breaking a smile. She looked stuck maybe because of the anxiety I put in her.

We laid we talked. About everything Anything. I had to spark most the conversation. She had little motivation in creating entertainment that night. Eventually, after some conversation, she had an urge to smoke a cig from the pack of cigarettes I bought for her earlier. We got in her car because she stated her fear of getting bit by mosquitoes. We got on the topic of her past relationships, I found that it really interested her, so I, eager and already tirelessly stabbing for some emotion in her all night, finally had a goal achieved. I was hungry for everything in her life. She mentioned about her X-boyfriend Alex, a marine. He cheated on her several times. And I poised myself prominently, and gave her my undivided attention. She spoke for about an hour a half about all the relationships she had with boys, her relationship with her mother, her father, and her best friends.

When I originally came I didn't know where I was going to sleep. I didn't put much thought into it. Knowing her she didn't either. We were on the bed, she was laying down. She teased me about something, so i teased her back. I crawled closer to her in the bed pushing my body against hers trying to push her off the bed. It was the first time she really felt my touch. She never broke character. I didn't believe her acting. I knew she liked it. We got closer and closer through some subtle moves and phrases.

Eventually it came to me saying, "You can't go to sleep, I'll make it awkward."

She, un-phased even by a freight train breaking through the house, spoke "Whatever." She grew a playful smile.

I wrapped myself around her like I used to X. My arm around her, my leg around her just below her hips. She didn't even flinch. She was so, laid back. We broke off and on off and on. Holding each other. I only knew Sunchild for less then a week. Eventually I started gesturing for her to hold my hand. I began teasing her and making her laugh tons.

Our Protagonist: Is it weird I really want to kiss you right now?
Sunchild: No. (trying to fight a smile.)
Our Protagonist: Move your arm.

I kissed her.

I slowly raised from the bed, placing myself gently ontop of her, barely leaving my weight. At first, I made sure the only part she felt pressure from me was on her lips. I moved in so slow and close as I gently met the shape of her mouth to match mine and cupped her lips. I moved my neck in a passionate sway. Slowly angling my head up forcing her head to press into the pillow slightly. I just barely tickled the tip of her lip with my tongue. And she began to mirror my lead. I paused. I broke momentum and looked into her eyes to see how she felt in the moment. I wanted to see in her the passion that I was giving, she held a look of someone who was dying of thirst. My lips were a fountain. She realized I was staring at her smiling, she broke shy. I wanted her to crave the kiss and to value the time we were engaged. To make scarce the opium of love.

After a few moments of sharing lips and caressing, I leaned off of her, and she immediately turned away. We kissed moments after she told me she was very tired and wanted to sleep. I mentioned about how I was afraid if we kept kissing, it'd lead to what she wanted. She mentioned "I don't know how i'm controling myself right now." We slept, the last thing I said, "I don't know how I'll fucking sleep, I've gotten far too excited." She laughed.

I slept only for 3 hours. I felt completely energized, despite being sick earlier the day before. It was as if... I finally got what I was asking for. A wish that I had ever since I broke up with X. To have someone to hold and love and have them appreciate me without any doubt. It felt. Wrong. I felt confused. Why was I treating her like X? I felt like picked up exactly where I left off. I treated her like I knew her for years. I spoke to her as if we'd been together for a long time. I held her so tight. I held her like I missed her. Like I knew she'd find out I was just resuming where I once was. That the way I learned to hold a woman, wasn't from her. I felt the strong need to hold her but a strong distaste in doing it.

Throughout the morning she was too tired to get  up. She kept sleeping facing away from me. I massaged her back while she was trying to sleep. I slowly moved my thumbs in a circular motion up and down her back while she laid on her side. I looked at her Buddhist Ohm tattoo on her back and kissed it. She gave a few silent "Mmm"s. I followed the line of her body with my hands, bringing my body close to hers. What was I doing? I barely even know her. This isn't something out of lust. This is something that someone does out of love. I began kissing her on her shoulder. I laid back to my position and told her to turn over towards me. She looked at me with her bright blue eyes and dark eyeliner. Hah, I think I didn't mention she has kryptonite. Dark hair blue eyes. She looked at me and we talked a little quietly with my arm around her. She embraced my body. We playfully played in the bed me trying to kiss her lips her not wanting too because of morning breath. I pretended to wrestle with her because she told me she took MMA classes. I let her hold me at full guard and told her to try and stop me from moving. Full guard being me between her legs. I lifted up the blanket and swiftly placed my self with her legs at my side, slowly pressing in against her body. I kissed her at her neck. because she wouldn't kiss me with her lips. I climbed up her neck to her chin and eventually she gave in. I began to give in to my urges and started gently pushing my self against her body. I pressed myself just below my hips against her trying to stimulate her while kissing.  Without any further development in the situation, I gave up with a loud sigh.

Our Protagonist: "Fuuuuuuck haha."
She laughed.

It came close to 10. I told her I needed to leave. She said I'll walk you. She said it so soon so sudden. My paranoia took over. She hates me. We walked over to the door taking small breaks to kiss in her room and by the door. She grabbed a sticker to place on her car.  We stood outside fidgeting with the sticker and she told me she was going to portugal in 5 days. I didn't know it was so soon. I told her I needed to really enjoy this moment. We hugged once. We said goody bye. We talked. We huged twice. We kissed more. We said good bye. I took a few steps. She still fidgeting while putting the sticker on.

Our Paranoia: Are you going to think of me?
Sunchild: I will.
She grew a promising smile.
Our Paranoia: Alright..
I stood there looking very needy, coming back from the steps I took.
Our Paranoia: Sorry this is another thing about me.. I'm just horrible with good byes.
We hugged three times. We kissed one last. I began taking steps away but didn't want to. The steps I take away from someone are always steps toward the darkness. The storm.

I need Lexapro.
Yes Lex:
I don't want to leave anyone, because when i'm alone i hate life.
Last longer in the sack! 14% chance.
I won't hate life.
I'll have my self again.
I won't have anxiety.
No Lex:
I might lose myself.
My beliefs might change.
My friends might not like me on the Lex
I'd be dependent


You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

At first I thought that quote was relevant. It's not. Haha, ah well. I love that quote.