I'm trying to map out all the things wrong with me in my head right now. It's really hard to think about. I think that'd be the first thing to say whats wrong with me. I can't focus. For the life of me. I really can't. I try to think of things that would give support to this statement. But I can't. But I feel it. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. It's like trying to build a house of cards on Teflon. It just won't work.
When I think on the other hand of the situation, maybe if i can't find support for my beliefs, I shouldn't believe in them. Because, without support, there's no ground. This can be a cause of some delirium for sure. Yeah, I quite like the sound of that. If I can't support it, don't believe in it. Despite your emotions. So let's try and think of something that bothers me, that I believe in.
Well shit. I can't think of anything right now. But I still want to write.
Oh here's something that's wrong with me, I can't choose to do the right thing anymore.
I can't choose to do the right thing and tell Tuesday, that we shouldn't speak to each other anymore. It'd just cause her pain. Pain because she'd just become more deeply attracted and liking to me. I know I deeply want to speak to her, but for the wrong reasons. I want her to love me. I think that's my desperation. My long journey of recovery after a four year relationship. My desperation for someone, because I guess I don't know how to live with myself anymore. But the most disgusting thing and thing I hate my self for, I want her to love me only while I don't have a love in real life. That's pretty true isn't it? Yeah. it is.
So, why can't I do the right thing? Because I feel too weak to carry on by myself. It is completely selfish. But I feel like I'm finally at my end. To the point where I contemplated suicide yesterday. I still don't think I'd do it, but I just started to think of the benefits of it. So, Tuesday is like my last leg. I shouldn't be using her for love, but I am. We say were friends, but I feel more then that. I think she does too, at least more then she's willing to admit. I can't think of what my life would be like with out her. Probably very lonely, seeing as to how i'd have no one to really speak to or know me. I still want Tuesday to be in my life even if i don't like her, but I'm afraid we'd have nothing to talk about. That our relationship would just fizzle when I found somebody.
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