I slept next to Sunchild last night. It was something that was- Confusing. Off. Skewed. Misplaced. My mind is still trying to wrap itself around the whole experience. It's hard because I'm realizing the detachment issues I have with this new found paranoia. I could barely leave her this morning. The night began with her and me texting:


Our Protagonist: Lol not much starvvvinnggg ( didn't send )
Our Protagonist: Are you in Sparta by any chance?
Sunchild: No why whats Up?
Our Protagonist: Didn't get my txt? Ar! I said i'm starvvving was gonna ask if you wanted to go somewhere to grab something to eat lol
Sunchild: Well your welcome to come to Rome and i'll make you somethin!
Our Protagonist: Really!
Our Protagonist: Idk if this is weird but hm would you mind if i crashed there? Id hate driving back tired haha...
Sunchild: Well I didn't think you would come lol iI don't have any food to cook here. But your welcome to come anyways. And yeah you can stayy
Our Protagonist: Haha well i'm feeling better ill grab something on the way if i come.. but wait is it cool if i do? lol
Sunchild: Yes lol.
9:00

I drove for an hour and a half. Rome was far from Sparta. The entire way down, I realized how I have such an adept control of time. How when I want something so bad, time just erases itself from meaning. I had no conception of the drive. It felt like only a moments time.

I pulled up to her house after having missed her street but I turned down the next road and realized it was a horseshoe. Her house was right on the water, I found that out in the morning. I jutted my head out eagerly around in my car looking for the house number. 42. The lights were on. In the back. The front was as dark as the inside of a coffin. I walked up to the door, calling her. Nothing. 10 minutes past, with a dog barking at 10:30 at night. I felt porch lights go on behind me.

I said to myself. "Fuck Sunchild you better have not fell asleep on me, I'd be pissed."

I thought in my head, I wouldn't be. Because I don't give two shits about my own life. I knocked on the door once. The dog began barking. He ran up to the fence behind me. I attempted not to look creepy. It was a ghost town, the air was dead silent, I could nearly hear my heart beat. 2 minutes, I knock again. The dog seemed to bark louder and it felt like he was jumping. I didn't dare turn around, I was hoping not to see the faces of the pissed off neighbors coming out of their door to see who was disturbing their sleep. She opened the blinds peering out. She opened the door.

The conversations we have are.. Strange. She doesn't give any feed back. She's like a leaf in a river. Aimless, without self-direction. Going forward in life without having the urge to fight it. She didn't care about a lot of things. Every time I asked her opinion, it seemed she had no answer, an inability to come up with an independent voice. She would say I keep putting her on the spot while breaking a smile. She looked stuck maybe because of the anxiety I put in her.

We laid we talked. About everything Anything. I had to spark most the conversation. She had little motivation in creating entertainment that night. Eventually, after some conversation, she had an urge to smoke a cig from the pack of cigarettes I bought for her earlier. We got in her car because she stated her fear of getting bit by mosquitoes. We got on the topic of her past relationships, I found that it really interested her, so I, eager and already tirelessly stabbing for some emotion in her all night, finally had a goal achieved. I was hungry for everything in her life. She mentioned about her X-boyfriend Alex, a marine. He cheated on her several times. And I poised myself prominently, and gave her my undivided attention. She spoke for about an hour a half about all the relationships she had with boys, her relationship with her mother, her father, and her best friends.

When I originally came I didn't know where I was going to sleep. I didn't put much thought into it. Knowing her she didn't either. We were on the bed, she was laying down. She teased me about something, so i teased her back. I crawled closer to her in the bed pushing my body against hers trying to push her off the bed. It was the first time she really felt my touch. She never broke character. I didn't believe her acting. I knew she liked it. We got closer and closer through some subtle moves and phrases.

Eventually it came to me saying, "You can't go to sleep, I'll make it awkward."

She, un-phased even by a freight train breaking through the house, spoke "Whatever." She grew a playful smile.

I wrapped myself around her like I used to X. My arm around her, my leg around her just below her hips. She didn't even flinch. She was so, laid back. We broke off and on off and on. Holding each other. I only knew Sunchild for less then a week. Eventually I started gesturing for her to hold my hand. I began teasing her and making her laugh tons.

Our Protagonist: Is it weird I really want to kiss you right now?
Sunchild: No. (trying to fight a smile.)
Our Protagonist: Move your arm.

I kissed her.

I slowly raised from the bed, placing myself gently ontop of her, barely leaving my weight. At first, I made sure the only part she felt pressure from me was on her lips. I moved in so slow and close as I gently met the shape of her mouth to match mine and cupped her lips. I moved my neck in a passionate sway. Slowly angling my head up forcing her head to press into the pillow slightly. I just barely tickled the tip of her lip with my tongue. And she began to mirror my lead. I paused. I broke momentum and looked into her eyes to see how she felt in the moment. I wanted to see in her the passion that I was giving, she held a look of someone who was dying of thirst. My lips were a fountain. She realized I was staring at her smiling, she broke shy. I wanted her to crave the kiss and to value the time we were engaged. To make scarce the opium of love.

After a few moments of sharing lips and caressing, I leaned off of her, and she immediately turned away. We kissed moments after she told me she was very tired and wanted to sleep. I mentioned about how I was afraid if we kept kissing, it'd lead to what she wanted. She mentioned "I don't know how i'm controling myself right now." We slept, the last thing I said, "I don't know how I'll fucking sleep, I've gotten far too excited." She laughed.

I slept only for 3 hours. I felt completely energized, despite being sick earlier the day before. It was as if... I finally got what I was asking for. A wish that I had ever since I broke up with X. To have someone to hold and love and have them appreciate me without any doubt. It felt. Wrong. I felt confused. Why was I treating her like X? I felt like picked up exactly where I left off. I treated her like I knew her for years. I spoke to her as if we'd been together for a long time. I held her so tight. I held her like I missed her. Like I knew she'd find out I was just resuming where I once was. That the way I learned to hold a woman, wasn't from her. I felt the strong need to hold her but a strong distaste in doing it.

Throughout the morning she was too tired to get  up. She kept sleeping facing away from me. I massaged her back while she was trying to sleep. I slowly moved my thumbs in a circular motion up and down her back while she laid on her side. I looked at her Buddhist Ohm tattoo on her back and kissed it. She gave a few silent "Mmm"s. I followed the line of her body with my hands, bringing my body close to hers. What was I doing? I barely even know her. This isn't something out of lust. This is something that someone does out of love. I began kissing her on her shoulder. I laid back to my position and told her to turn over towards me. She looked at me with her bright blue eyes and dark eyeliner. Hah, I think I didn't mention she has kryptonite. Dark hair blue eyes. She looked at me and we talked a little quietly with my arm around her. She embraced my body. We playfully played in the bed me trying to kiss her lips her not wanting too because of morning breath. I pretended to wrestle with her because she told me she took MMA classes. I let her hold me at full guard and told her to try and stop me from moving. Full guard being me between her legs. I lifted up the blanket and swiftly placed my self with her legs at my side, slowly pressing in against her body. I kissed her at her neck. because she wouldn't kiss me with her lips. I climbed up her neck to her chin and eventually she gave in. I began to give in to my urges and started gently pushing my self against her body. I pressed myself just below my hips against her trying to stimulate her while kissing.  Without any further development in the situation, I gave up with a loud sigh.

Our Protagonist: "Fuuuuuuck haha."
She laughed.

It came close to 10. I told her I needed to leave. She said I'll walk you. She said it so soon so sudden. My paranoia took over. She hates me. We walked over to the door taking small breaks to kiss in her room and by the door. She grabbed a sticker to place on her car.  We stood outside fidgeting with the sticker and she told me she was going to portugal in 5 days. I didn't know it was so soon. I told her I needed to really enjoy this moment. We hugged once. We said goody bye. We talked. We huged twice. We kissed more. We said good bye. I took a few steps. She still fidgeting while putting the sticker on.

Our Paranoia: Are you going to think of me?
Sunchild: I will.
She grew a promising smile.
Our Paranoia: Alright..
I stood there looking very needy, coming back from the steps I took.
Our Paranoia: Sorry this is another thing about me.. I'm just horrible with good byes.
We hugged three times. We kissed one last. I began taking steps away but didn't want to. The steps I take away from someone are always steps toward the darkness. The storm.

I need Lexapro.
Yes Lex:
I don't want to leave anyone, because when i'm alone i hate life.
Last longer in the sack! 14% chance.
I won't hate life.
I'll have my self again.
I won't have anxiety.
No Lex:
I might lose myself.
My beliefs might change.
My friends might not like me on the Lex
I'd be dependent


You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

At first I thought that quote was relevant. It's not. Haha, ah well. I love that quote.