Starving

I'm starving. For answers. for love.

This necessarily isn't answer that has to come from someone. It can come from anywhere. I just... fucking need it. My life is missing something. and that something is a deep part of my life it feels.

I woke up this morning, and everything felt.. Off. I touched my face and found it to feel foreign. It felt like the skin was a new skin I've never felt before. That I was learning it for the first time.

I looked in the mirror to see my same disheveled face. I looked at my hair which was so short and unkempt, I hated it. I looked at my glasses and found them to be too big for my look. I wondered how anyone could find me attractive. I know she does, but, I don't know why. I can't believe it when I'm by myself.

I started to think of all the past girls that have burned me, shut me down, put me out. It makes me want to be an asshole. From the beginning now, Ashley, Brittany, Grace, Megan, Diana, Alison, Ashley, Eva, Tori, Stephanie, Taylor.  I tried so hard to live for these girls. I gave them my all. I gave them the utmost respect and attention. I didn't care for myself, and devoted my life and time to help them. It's not like it hurt me to do these things for them. I gave myself respect and love. I just wasn't enough for them. You know what? Fuck everyone. Fuck everyone and their wants and needs. I need to become selfish. Cold hearted. Self pleasing.