Work. It surprises me how happy it makes me. I don't get it. I mean I do, but I don't. I think it's because of me helping others. I don't even think of it in that way though. I just love connecting with the people. Hearing their worries solving their problems. It's like being a mini-jesus. It just feels so rewarding being there with the people. Having patients say hello knowing my name. It feels.. So damn good. It staved off the depression for sure. I feel it creeping back now though. It's a bit of a bitch. I'm wondering where Tuesday is. She got me all riled up for nothing it seems. I hope she had a wonderful day. I also, have to post something.
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" Our Protagonist : I'm trying to think about why I wanted to write to you. Well, to cut shit to the point and what not, I guess it'd be easy to start this off by saying.. Well I've begun to... Lose it? I'll get to that later. I'm starting to think I just wanted to write to you to tell you where I am right now. I'm not even sure if you'd care to read it. I just.. Wanted to share it with you as odd as that seems.
I hope your doing well, and I really do mean that. I can't tell you how horrible I felt for making you leave, and living with Andrew driving to work so far. I really hated myself for making your life worse. Everyone I told that told me I should be feeling that way. Which sounds right, but I stll did.
Fuck, I'm sorry for being like this, but. Yeah, i've really truly started to believe I'm losing it. Like, I've begun taking anti-depressant medication, and I can't take just.. being around myself anymore. I wake up feeling like shit sometimes, and it's getting worse. Nothing makes sense in my head.. Like.. i'm losing a sense of logic, i've already lost most of what's right and wrong.
I'm writing to you because I see you as a close friend, even though were not together, and things ended up the way they did. I still really want to be friends with you.
Thinking about how you'll react while reading this, I can imagine you saying, "good he fucking deserves it." I may. You don't have to respond to this."
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" X : Protagonist, you don't ever have to feel uncomfortable if you want to talk to me about something. You also don't have to defend or apologize for our breakup either, its in the past and we all make our own path in life. I would like to say that I also consider you a close friend, dispite not talking for a long time. And I'm not so sure, or I cant tell, if you really wanted me answering your message but I will anyway. I want you to know that if you ever feel down, need a buddy, or a second opinion on something, I'll be more than willing to offer any help you may need.
Okay, so we haven't talked in a long time so I don't know the full circumstances behind the prescription of your medicine, and I don't expect you to tell me. You say you lost your sense of right and wrong, but Its okay to do the wrong thing sometimes, you learn the most from mistakes. You shouldn't feel bad when you wake up in the morning, because every day is a new one. Its a crazy world, people just live in it. Sometimes you have to face a lot of problems at once, and it seems too tough to handle, but with patience and sometimes a person to go through it with you, it will always work out in the end. Anxiety is a terrible emotion, so is depression. I know when I feel them, it feels like I just walked a millions steps backwards from my goals in life. But we feel them, and its just makes me want to succeed even more. Other times just acknowedging the state of my emotions to someone makes me feel a lot better as well.They are emotions and I respect them, I don't think anyone can control/fully understand them. (unless your Budda lol) I don't know if anything I'm saying applies to you, but I hope that maybe just one thing could have helped.
Like I said, your still a friend to me. And you don't 'deserve' anything negitive in your life. They say "Misery loves Company," well there are a lot of ways to interpret that. I think Company can actually fix Misery.... If you ever want to go out for a drink, or just out to catch up, I think it would be a great idea. But if not I respect that decision too. Your always welcome to just fb me if that all you need, or email."
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" Our Protagonist : Hey, sorry how weird and randomly spaced out that email was. I was a bit high for the half of it.. I smoke to get away sometimes and it helps me with this random anxiety lol. Im really glad you responded, I can't tell you enough how hearing from you still makes me happy.
As for the medication, im on the lightest perscription of lexapro, its this anxiety/depression drug. It was funny before I had this thing where id just pick something random in my life and blame it for the depression. Like first it was my weight gainer, then milk, then i thought i had thyroid problems, then dehydration, then alcohol.. etc lol. Joe and kristie were making fun of me saying what is it this month dave?
Everything you said helps me out a lot even if it doesn't apply. But the way im feeling is more than strange but also inexplicable... I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life, that there's nothing out there for me. I don't feel boredom anymore either.. it kind of just.. goes straight to depression. I've been this way for a couple months now and only started the med last month. I've been battling it for fuckinnn everrr lol. Nothing is what it used to be. Im also madd paranoid now too. Paranoid about people's emotions not general paranoia.
I started working on the psychiatric floor in my clinical. It wasnt a very pleasant place. It was a smaller version of what you'd expect to see in the movies but nothing is painted white. It reminded me of an old run down 70s home that wasn't well taken care of. There were several people there with mental problems. Some you could tell instantly, others had a more deceptive appearance. But they all had something in common it seemed, that they didn't take care of how they looked. They didn't care about themselves and the way they came off to others. I reflected this thought in my head while looking down at the floor while our instructor lectured us. I realized im coming closer and closer to being that way. Careless of myself and the presumptions of others. I asked myself, is this where ill end up one day? Sitting around old worn furniture with a bunch of strangers? I got scared. Im starting to believe so.
Im sorry if this email sounds like I don't want to hear more from you, I do. Sorry for being such a bummer. "
I'll keep you posted.
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