Refreshing

It's been a while.
as it has.

So, keep your shit together man. You've only got until tuesday till your final. Don't lose it. You can hold out right? I mean I think I can. Shit. What's been up recently? Let's see. A lot. Of, strange shit. I guess you could say. I'm trying to find emotion for a reason to write. Let's seeeeee. Dad has cancer.. I mentioned that. I'll write about that.

Pops, you were never there. But it's okay, I still love you for the bits that you were. I wish I had a regular life like everyone else where you'd be in the picture. But hey you get what you get. I have to make the best of it no? If you did raise me though, I can tell i'd be a lot more confident. I'd feel like i'd be worth something.

Earlier in the week, I had thought as I laid in bed after vigorously pleasing myself. I felt the high as the vile thoughts emptied out my head and looked at my flesh. I thought about how I didn't care about it and anyone could do almost anything they wanted to it. I realized that my everyday life was something as a mind out of body experience. Where I just displaced myself and wouldn't care what happened to me.

After that thought I thought of women. I thought of girls i'd meet who could do whatever they wanted with me if they choose. I thought of how much disgust I had for a woman who held herself as low as i did. It made me think of how fucked up I was. The thought of a woman not caring who does what to their body. I feel like a whore. A prostitute. I feel like dirt. No one else sees it. And no one else seems to care. Maybe it's just the people i'm around. Fuck man, I need to get out.