Me.

Selfish and callous cannot be seen in light
But you know your steps carry filth
That you'll never be satisfied with what you earn
Because if you have it, you know its nothing
More valuable then dirt

I was once was one

I once felt all of me was one. One who was the same person inside and out. Who wouldn't turn a different shade around others. Who was so solid and concrete not even a hurricane could uproot me from my foundation.

Now? I'm scattered like the spread of #8 birdshot. I am aike the aftermath of a broken planet drifting in space. Some of me has gone far out of sight, others stay floating occasionally crashing into one another.

I don't feel n urge to write. I don't feel that motivation that once flowed through me.

My mind is broken but my soul shines through the smoke.

My mind tells me to be afraid. To question existence and believe in the intangible. To know that every step forward is a cut into my skin. My soul pours happiness in my heart at the end of every Acton and risk, but my mind refuses to believe their consistency. It makes its thoughts pile into single file to preoccupy all that is in me to omit these experiences into my memory. "It'll never last" "that was easy because you're just lucky. You did nothing even close to being advantageous to get her to admire you." My soul cries out, "You're amazing and deserve to feel this way. Cherish and float on until your next experience. Live only in my words as they are now and are what is real." "But those moments won't last and you know they'll come to an end, how can you prove they'll come again? You're still the same sack of shit incapable of maintaining happiness."

Ive learned about myself.
I hope to carry this lesson with me.

Heart of the Horsefly.

The

Transition

I'm searching for you.
I forgave my eyes and set them away.
Choosing to walk bare 

I set off staving the walls mindful
Of the thorns in my feet.
The trek will bring pain
And steal the warmth from my skin
While the scars will whisper 

How I've journeyed so far.

Kill me

Bless me father for I have sinned.

I beg you take my life, If you feel Its time.
So I don't have to see tomorrow.
So I don't have to fall.
So I don't have to feel.
Let down my friends.
Let down you.

Forgive me for being weak,
Having gone astray.

Choosing to be who I am

I yelled at mother.

I come down looking for food.

Everything she asks is pointless.

Shell ask a thousand questions and won't hear a single answer I say.

After twenty minutes of being around her, I ask if the cups in the dishwasher are clean. She says are the people in the where heady? She's not looking towards me, not seeing what I'm doing with my hand holding a cup. Carelessly walking around doing everything she can but listen to me. I ask again.

ARE THE CUPS CLEAN.

she becomes aware I'm pissed. And scoffs at me.

She just comes over my shoulder and starts grabbing my food.

She begins tearing at my meat trying to get the something out, I ask

Are you hungry? (calmly)

No.

Is that for tita lan? (calmly)

No yeah I'm just -(laughing)

What are you doing? (Sternly)

I'm going to eat. (Laughing)

I just asked you if you were hungry and you said no. Is she goin- (confused and irritated)

(Sternly) my hands are clean.

What.
I don't fucking care if you want the food, i just was trying to find out why you're touching my food (pissed)

I'm hungry. (Barely paying attention)

I KNOW.

Are you done eating?

No. Do you even know what I'm saying right now?

Your irritable, *leaves the room*

Fucking STOP BEING so FUCKING LAZY learn to FUCKING speak SPEAK English AND ACTUALLY LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING.

I almost through a glass against the wall speaking to my mother.

A firework, without the flash.

I couldn't care less.
About the clothes on my back.
That I've felt love.
The touch of a woman.

All I can think about,
Is me. Me. Me. Me.

The one who only likes people
For the first few moments,
Before he gets to know them.

That feels he's special,
That no one is like me.

Who's happy after a meal,
But hates the food he is given.

Who believes he'll never surmount to value
Yet wants to defy the masses.

Mental note

Shel Silverstein. Masks.

I'd tell them
I'm not going to tell you to be who you are and be proud.
I'm not going to say be your self and show everyone what you are.

Little flower

I'm not alike the crowd passing you by.
I learned long ago to see with my mind
Than through the eyes of visions and dreams.
Everyone's story is always behind a cover.
And I'm eager to embrace your lines
Finger through your pages in sincerity.

Coffee

Get me high.

I'm finally working. I'm in a drug rehabilitation center.

There a load of crazies so I guess I'm where I belong.

Apathy and loss are attractive especially when you're successful. The sight is a window to where patients can truly make a connection

This writing is god awful.

I'm finding I'm bipolar. At times I'm outgoing other times you'd have to stab me to get a word out.

I contemplated if I'm capable of love. I honestly don't know anymore.

Surprise.

Is it disparity or clarity?
I do not know.
I just hope I don't hurt someone again.

Just cant stand.

I fucking lost it on my mother.

Shut up.
Shut up.
SHUT UP.
DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?

I need a fucking therapist.
I was once teeming with motivation.
Now I find it incredibly hard to do anything more then 60 seconds.

I feel no self gratification in anything I do. I feel like breaking something. I'm terrified of showing myself around others. But I'm myself when I'm outside.

I'm constantly isolated in this house and I think it might be getting to me. I've been here three days and I've only seen people here for less then four hours total. I am here constantly.

I need to read a book. But I couldn't careless about it. Its as if my body is struggling to find an out for this stress. Its consuming me, coursing through me. The only solace it can find is in absence of action. I cannot expend myself in futile actions because I feel I'm ever so close to just fucking going bat shit if something "hurts my feelings."

Ending that sentence was rather odd. I'm afraid of something "hurting my feelings." I don't understand that. I'm finding its hard to comprehend what I just wrote. Is this my lack of a short term memory? I don't know what could "hurt my feelings."

I need happiness.

Something in me changed while writing this.

Therapist

Help.
Me.

Following

What makes you happy.

I had my first day of orientation this morning as a nurse. It's been a fucking journey to get to this point.

Nothing is certain.
Nothing is concrete.

Expression is beautiful because it is human.

I found myself blankly staring at several comments people told me today. My old roomate told me his routine and how much weight he was lifting. I couldn't careless. My cousin told me about a position he was applying for and tried to describe the extent of how much responsibility he would have. "I'd be a manager, coordinator, floor surveyor, and i'd have to organize shifts." A manager does what in your field? a coordinator does what? a floor surveyor? I cannot relate to these statements. I have no clue at what difficulty these tasks are. I have nothing to comment about that which I don't know.

Hello Old Residence

Back home.

It feels strange as it should, seeing as to how I'm now in the newly renovated basement. I felt my day being wasted earlier. But now, being here, I feel slightly different. I've been pretty up on the endorphins the past two days. It's been phenomenal. Right now I'm on the fence, but hey, It's better then being on the shit side.

I believe I'm yearning for some human existence.

With truth we see the world we live in

I realized I can't because I don't want to.

I wanted to show my taste in music to friends and put on lykke because I knew it'd be good. Especially with how deeply i felt for the one song. Now it's the epitome of bitter sweet. I lost focus in the distance reminiscing of the times we spent.

Pathetic.

Still

I can't believe how often I still think of you.

there literally has not been a single day where I haven't thought about you. I just come across things that we've spoken about before. I come across things you used to love. We used to love.

My most recent trigger was an old email that I found. I incidently clicked on a Google plus group category where I saw your address.  The email had a display message as a preview.  it read: "mike better back off." I forgotten what it was like to be cared about. To be desired. I was filled with an empty emotion. Everything with your name turned to an allergy I had to avoid. A painting I can no longer enjoy.

I must admit, a few days ago, I came utterly close to contacting you. I was watching a movie remake of an old Korean cult classic. More than likely a movie you wouldn't give the time for. But in that remake was an actress who you dearly admired for her beauty. I remember watching the horror movie you loved staring our actress.  We would joke and exclaim everytime the camera gave a shot down her shirt. In the remake there was an actual sex scene with her in it. You wouldn't believe how sexy she was. And my god that naked body. You were right, her tits were fucking godly. I thought of  how you needed to see it.

I contemplated if it would be okay to send just a simple email saying I thought you would enjoy this,  stating the time of the scene  and a link to the movie. It would make me happy to know I made you happy. And it was something I thought I could do and still remain completely distant. I knew it would be impossible if you responded. How easily I would get trapped in you again. I thought of how you were probably in love with someone else by now. My mind shut off at the idea. I repressed the thought with the full weight of a scarred heart.

I know your too beautiful to stay alone. Darling you take care of yourself you hear?

Movies

I just watched a movie on Netflix. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It began really interesting, as it was a movie about an apocalypse where people had to preserve the human race. I loved watching the scenarios.

However by the end of the film I couldn't help but ask what the fuck did I just watch?

The fucking ending of the movie just seems so completely out of a blind side. The whole premise was about a teacher asking his students to find a way to save the human race using philosophy.

They first went through 2 different scenarios guided through word of mouth by the professor and basically fuck both of them up killing everyone and the human race ends up not surviving. They chose very reasonable actions by preserving important people and casting off useless people with no survival skills. Still despite the right choices they fail.

but in the third experiment one of the students the smartest one, decides to not take the most valuable people ie builders, leaders, carpenters, etc. Into the bomb shelter and take all the artistic hippie useless people. The useful and successful people at surviving in the post apocalyptic environment then get exiled to go roam on a boat. The experiment then shows to have the people in the bunker having fun and truly living their lives to an extent. Which is all great fun and all but in the end the teacher kept reinforcing how they would just die off anyway. The smartest student now no longer trying to refute the professor just goes on telling a story about how they just had a good time. They then leave the safe bunker where they've been living from the radioactive fallout and then the teacher says they would die off because they don't possess the necessary skills to survive. The smart student then says it doesn't matter because we would accept death and kill ourselves. The movie portrays this as the correct way to answer the philosophical situation. But really it doesn't matter if the goal was to survive?? It's as if the last 15 minutes of the movie has completely changed the plot to just getting one up on the teacher avoiding his question of how to survive and just pissing him off. Random as fucking hell but okay...

After the smart one explains that they would kill themselves the professor then became spiteful and says that he would kill the one who could kill everyone off by detonating a bomb to save their lives... The students then portrayed that they would prevent the professor from killing him and killed everyone all together. And that was the end of the fucking experiment...  So what the fuck was the point of that?

One student then speaks to contribute to what happened to the people who were exiled. He tells the story of how the three other men he was with died and he was alone with six other women. He then went on to say that he would find an island and continue fucking all of them  eventually getting them pregnant despite his sterility.

The teacher doesn't say anything of value and then adjourns class reminding everyone to turn in a textbook on the way out. The smart one who is a female is the last one to leave . Before leaving the room she closes the door and locks it.

She then reveals that she and the professor were in a relationship and that the whole experiment was to piss off her boyfriend . You then find out that she's going to leave for college and see the professor trying to reason her to stay. She basically says no and leaves. The next few scenes are then just of the professor contemplating A. Eating a sandwich at his desk B. Opening a shelf to a gun and killing himself and then C. Just sitting at his desk doing nothing.

ANDDDD CUE THE CREDITS.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH.

Grasp

Keep walking forward.
Hold out the pain.

You'll have the world one day, I promise you.

What is it you really want?
Love?
You don't even know what it entails anymore.
Focus on what makes you happy.

Wake up

Cry because your a child
Because you don't know what to do
That life is too hard.
Telling me you must give up.

It's time to make mistakes.
To find regrets.
Because they don't matter at all.
Taking action is your only step.
Your breakfast lunch and dinner.
And you'll learn and you'll cope.
And you'll find your worth more than gold.

So fuck them if they don't see like you do.
Fuck them if they can't hold a conversation
Fuck them because they are but a blip in your life and will not define who you are.

Only a month?

Edit: a broken mind, it seems to have ended in the late days of March...
April.. May... June.. Its been three.
Where has the time gone? Oh how deep the mind can break.

I'm docile today.

I've no pain that's worth writing about and that's good.

The only thing I could think of was Tuesday. Its hard to believe I still think of her so often. Its bad that I do. One day I'll stop. Or at least hope I will.

Its really been less then a month. My god. Time is so slow. I feel like its been ages. I don't care. Its alright. Its the way it has to be if I'm to get better.

I feel like its why I'm taking so long to move forward in my life. Just.. Recovering from everything. 3 years? It was a relationship in my eyes. It felt like one. I devoted my emotions.

I feel waves of confidence every now and again, but to when I'll actually seek another is hard for me to say. I just don't have it in me right now. I have opportunities but I choose not to take them. Its not as if I haven't dared before.

I guess I'm afraid. Truly afraid. Crippled and unwilling to stand.

Crazy

Nothing would make me happier then to message you right now. - Fifteen minutes ago.

Disarray

My mind is all over.
I'm angry at my life
I'm upset I can't find value in life
I imagined going to an AA meeting and hearing myself speak.

I don't believe the steps can help me.

Life without drugs or alcohol fucking sucks.

I don't believe in god but I do believe in a higher power.

God wouldn't have devastated the people I cared about the most for no fucking reason.

He wouldn't have given me this weak personality that's overly empathetic to everyone just so I could feel their pain in my heart until I wished i couldn't feel anything anymore.

He wouldn't have made my mind forgetful of all things good that happen to me.

"That's you being ungrateful."

Who decides that? That I am ungrateful? Is it not god? He who gives you the strength to forgive people who hurt you can't give me the strength to respect myself? I would be grateful if I knew how to be. To express that emotion if I could fucking feel it.

Maybe i'm not grateful because I don't care about myself. Because I can't find reason to.

You need help.
You do care about yourself.

Dream

I fell in love in my dream.
I haven't had a dream where I truly felt love since I was a kid.
It was so pure, the feeling.
She had red hair and a spiteful personality.
She could make me laugh just by the mutter of a word.
I didn't like her at first and I didn't care for what we were.
And in that time I wasn't scared of speaking to her. I wasn't afraid of being an ass. I wasn't anxious as all hell.
I just enjoyed being around her.
We began spending more and more time together as the days went by.
I remember trying to grasp her hand for the first time.
I wasn't sure of how she felt but I felt like it was the right thing to do.
My advance made me swallow my heart. I was feeling the most unbearable crippling fear as I reached over to her.
But as I raised my arm, she quickly stepped into my reach letting my arm slide around her. She rested her head on my shoulder while holding me as we walked.
God that feeling.
I didn't even know if we were similar or held the same interest and views, but there was this connection that was so binding. Something so strong that it didn't matter who we were or what we thought, we were in love. We would go through great lengths for one another and sacrifice it all just to have this feeling.

I'll find you one day.

Teary Eyed

Hopes and Promises
Listening to Tonight.

ISO

I haven't spoken to a soul today.

I woke up to a poorly made bed soiled from sweat.

A muggy drizzle sat over my apartment pushing humidity throughout the confined air.

I was battling the pain of my stomach by trying to feed my mind. My cell phone had no messages. The internet had nothing but porn and words spoken thousands of times before.

I sat blindly in my chair feeling the pain with no motivation to eat or get dressed. I wondered if anyone else felt as I did in that moment.

I had waffles. Four of them. Just enough to make the pain go away.

Fight

Hold on.

The waves will be tall, fierce.

Stay forward, and keep sailing to the west.

Hold strong and persevere

It doesn't matter what happens on the voyage, just take hits as they come and follow the new direction your in.

Just like your old man taught you.

And don't let your fears tell you they are the only answers. Hope is still there with you. You just need to ignore the outcomes and open your eyes to what lies in front of you. You exist now not then.

God speed.

Eraser

Why do you care?

Because you're everything to me.

Well that sounds like your problem, seeing as to how I plainly just don't give a fuck.

Fuck coffee

Keepn me up and shit. Fuck.

Insurance

I do not care about myself
Because I am not a child.
I do not need to be coddled
Nor pampered.
I do not need to be catered to
Or filled with a sense of entitlement.
I am a human as you
Just without selfish tendency

Kiss you

Folded 8 times
Like a stamp on leather
I couldn't stay dry
Even if I
wasn't pressing my skin
On this old dirty mattress
Old records of us still sound like
A new beginning.
But my dear thinking is sin
When the south is
a passionate heat.
Foretell the story where I miss the letter.

Spine

Need to wake up in three hours.

I can't sleep.

My spine is split

I stood into a hot needle prying my disc out of place as I do every month.

It hurts to sit, lay, and eat.

The only time I'm comfortable is if I'm inverted on an exercise ball with blood rushing to my head.

Fuckinf phenomenal.

Scowl

I can't take off this "fuck off"
Look from my face.
Personally, I don't think its
Doing me any favors.

Failure keeps echoing through
people are the only thing that matters.

I can't find a moment that is right
So I must make one.

My roommate managed to
Stay over some girls house last night.
He met her through an online hookup app.
Good for him.
I don't know how he manages it.
When I see him with women its overwhelming for me to watch.
He can't read body language and has no sense for awkwardness.
It truly is blissful to be blind.
I'm happy for him

Still

The skin on my body ages
The winter has come to pass
But my mind is burned
in thoughts of you.

Etched like the shadow
of a nuclear wake
I see the feelings I don't give up
Lacking rationalization and accepting
Codependency and degradation.

It'd be terrible, what I let you do.

Am I this.. Person who lacks all self respect? How did it come to be?

Maybe because all my efforts leave trails of failure.
All I am is not confirmed by anyone.
No one truly knows me in these words
Their presence helps only the character I portray
So what do I amount to?
Nothing.

I'm contemplating messaging Hazlet. she wanted to see me not too long ago. For coffee. I don't have any interest in her besides to fuck. But who knows? I've definitely done this once before to see if I feel anything. My major concern is hurting her. I can't take hurting others.

Titanic

Never mind, terrible ice breaker.

Sitting in my car believing there's a lack of creativity in my personality.

But I don't want to think about that.

I want to change my perspective.

Wrote this a few days ago

its only been a month.
and it feels like a year.
I miss piercing flesh
tasting the needle.
falling in a haze of you.

Deathly

Lonely.
L o n e l y.

Such a sweet word compared to the real
feeling.  What if I'll never connect with another human being? Am I not worthy of such a happiness?

I gave to take into consideration, I've only given up Tuesday a month ago. I've been holding her close for 3 years.

Maybe things will avail in time.

Therapy

How are you?

Uncomfortable.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I feel like never trying to find anyone ever.

Do you want to find someone?

I do.

Why?

Because I'm tired.

What? Tired?

Of everything. I guess its the only way I know how to connect to anyone.

And you can't connect to your friends.

I do sometimes, but its not enough. I've just never felt so alienated and xenoic. I feel like I won't ever connect to anyone. So why bother? I've always found my beliefs to be so far different from most. How could I possibly find someone like me?

Maybe you don't open up.

You're right that I don't. I'm too afraid to speak out how I feel because I know none of my friends will have any experience talking to me about the way I feel. They'll feel awkward and wouldn't know how to respond. I'll look weak and they'll question me.

Fuck this. Its all pointless bullshit.

I don't look for anyone anymore. Because I don't believe I can take the hits anymore. I hate most conversation with everyone unless it leads to a romantic relationship. I literally could not give any less of a fuck in dialogue if it doesn't relate to women, love, or relationships. I'm obsessed because its the only true thing I know to get me happy.

I am an island and the only person my mind allows to accept on it is a lover.

Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.

Befriend

To find a heart.

I'm afraid of relationships with my friends.

Its hard for me to get close.

I never say how I truly feel because I know they wouldn't understand.

That they would belittle my feelings.

"Then they're not your true friends"
Shut the fuck up you limited narrow minded fuck. Couldn't you think of anything else to say that actually carries value? Don't you think I've tried looking for friends that would deal with what i feel?

This makes me out to be malicious but the people who feel like I do, I don't relate to them. I don't like them. I judge them. They are poor, mistreat their bodies, have no sense of work ethic, and lack a will to push forward. They carry on conversation that is portrayed to have great value but they don't realize its fucking trivial to most.

I cannot find a connection.

This is why man loves stories of alienation.

I am still afraid to venture to find these "friends." The word cuts through me like a gun echoing in a hall. I get flooded with emotion and feel vulnerable.

Obsessed with you.
But I shouldn't be.
My cousin mentioned you.
I said I don't ever want to hear that name again.
I don't want to talk about it.

Physical

I've been repeating the word when I try to get out of my head.

An absent mind

Is one that knows solace.

Im thinking that maybe my over acting mind is due to all the nootropics I used to take for helping me get through school and personal wishes.

Maybe its my thyroid

Maybe its genetics.

Ah I'm crazy, nuff said.

Within tangent

My early life was spent happy. Happy because I just went ahead with what felt right. Believing that what felt right was right. And it was, it brought me friends and happiness and most importantly love. Following my innate instincts brought me to the top of the hierarchy.

I started to go wrong when my instincts became flawed. My emotions strayed from what was right. Now nothing feels right. I don't see the path anymore. Its no longer a trail in the sky to a passing plane but now an over grown forest with no sight of civilization. I've remained calm at best.

Tomorrows my first day at school again, I'm excited but wary that my heart will find hopes in beautiful women.

You're a failure.

You don't know me. I've failed but to what I will do is not factual. It never will be. It will forever be the choice I have at the moments time.

Still thinking.

Of her.

I probably will be until I find someone else.

That's fine, it isn't too problematic for my peace of mind. I wonder now if its just the idea of knowing how close it was.

I'm realizing I want to depersonalize the rest of my writing.

The idea of knowing how I could always go back to get some degree of intimacy. Something I yearn for. I often find my self defeating one sentence after another. I yearn for intimacy but despise it. I've taken plenty of risks. So save yourself the advice.

Knowing how easy it would be to send a message and more then likely get an answer makes me tempted.

I know its not worth it. But something in my mind keeps telling me that there's a chance that things will change.

Why would things change?

Because of what I could say.

What could you say that would change the way things are?

I could convince her to do more things with me to show her our chemistry and how we work.

But is it really enough to hold things together the way they are now?

No. It never was enough.

You knew that. And that she doesn't give you what you deserve. What you know others will.

But I have nothing else.

Make yourself strong. Strong enough to maintain happiness to overcome loss. Then you will be confident.

Happiness huh? Well that should be a wall in the park with this history.

You know you're getting better.

But to what degree?

I've taken away a step from sadness but what I have now.. Its absence. Absence of emotion. Never passionate, never sad. A place of limbo. Have I died?

You could think that. But you know this limbo you speak of isn't the end of your journey.

Then I will continue.
I love you.

I love you too.

I don't want to rationalize

I know it wouldn't work.
There's so many paths I could take
But something about the times we had
Have never made the darkness so faint.

I fight myself constantly to avoid thinking of you.

Life is happier that way

Humanity

"Step out of your comfort zone "
Fuck you.
"You should be happy"
Fuck you.
"Why don't you..."
Fuck you.
"You're too emotional, you always talk about real serious things all the time and I don't know how to handle that."
Its easy, go fuck yourself.

Denounce

I am bound by childishly immature chemicals.
They are the only attraction that beckons me to you.
A temporary succession of hormones
That make me starve for flesh.
That is what you amount to.
You provide me with no means to a better life
Closer to a higher state of being.
Nothing more than a complex machine
Vying for my existence, obscuring purity and efficacy to everything I am capable of.
You are an arduous burden I desperately refuse and wholeheartedly wish to embrace.

Memory

I'm coming to the idea that I choose to forget.
I choose to forget every interaction
I choose to forget every experience.
I only want to remember the pain and suffering
Of any encounter, relationship, or event.

Excision

Feeling hideous today.
I cut myself shaving the forlorn face in the mirror.
I changed the clothes I wore five times before leaving without checking what I was wearing.
I couldn't escape fast enough to leave my mind behind.

Od

All day I was filled with this sullen feeling. As if nothing would get better.

Nothing pleased me.

I ran through the memories in my head that made me feel alienating myself was a good choice.

Like following a magicians handkerchief, each painful memory would bring me to think of another endlessly.

Beat

Burn your bridges
Your friends
Need lies
No one can quell you
But drugs and
An urge to die

X

He had never felt a burn so deep
One to bring his heart so close to failure.
It wasn't the action of another but his own.

Her eyes were pouring rain,

You don't love me-
You don't love me anymore?

I don't.

But what about everything-
You love me.

She reached her hand from her face and desperately moved unto him as if she were falling. 

He avoided her without hesitation; her hand fell short as he shuffled back. His actions defined her as a rejected, shameful, unwanted creature. She fell back to the bed hysterically emptying her once fulfilled life into tears and wails of grief.

 

Speaking without an ounce of emotion, he affirmed,
I don't love you.

He looked unto her as he felt worse then he ever did in his entire life. He felt every tear, every action, as a whip tearing flesh from his body. In every ounce of grief she felt he felt the same, because he knew they were one. He thought to himself as his hand was in the fire,

"She deserves to lash out on me and I am to receive every bit of agony she will possess. This is the decision I have chosen, and I will follow it through despite how I love her."

As a machine solely created for affliction, he forever burned a scarring pain unto her heart. But I knew the decision was the best for both of us.

Guessing days ago

I can easily sat that I think about you every day. But I guess that's apparent to you. I wonder if you say things with a different emotion behind them. Spare me for I don't have the luck or fortune to see you speak the words yourself. You believe I'll always be there for you and I'm beyond happy knowing that I can be that security for you.

I wonder if you'll ever break down your walls and quell your fears of us. I wonder if your still afraid I'll hurt you. I wonder why we won't just become something. You said once it isn't love because we don't know each other for real. I assumed that to be true and it is rational. I guess its just only now I believe that its more then adoration because of this centeredness I put you in for my life. I guess you don't want that.

You're right to find happiness in yourself before something like us. I could easily make that complicated. In spite of that, I still believe I can help you find that independent happiness. And that a future with me isn't going to be a challenge or hindrance. I feel the way I come off is unfortunately strong, that it makes my intentions seem selfish. But in all honesty I just want to be by your side. To help you in every endeavor that you partake.

Fffffffffffffuck

Seeking you.
Something.

I spent the night out in Philly. I was with four of my friends and 3 friends of one friend. I was silent. I didn't care to speak. There was nothing that I could think of to care enough to speak about. Over the course of the night people began to ask me if I was okay. I hate that. I felt okay, I just didn't care for anything. I didn't care for any of the conversations we were having and I'm far done asking about people. Learning things about them. I feel that I may associate people with awkwardness and being uncomfortable. For better or worse that's how I've become. I have a large sense of apathy but I'm okay with that. It kind of sucks that I'm not entertaining for others but I'm far better then I've been in a while. I need to take chances with people to find the gratification of interacting once again.

Perserverance through time and know I cry.

A promise
Made in the late hours of the evening.
With a heart that shows not a sight of fleeting.
Sound and solid as concrete
A deep emotion was founded within
Where I'd never let go
Because with all that is in me
I couldn't do without~
So dry my eyes
And I'll tell you,
I won't let you go tonight.
Not tonight.
Not tomorrow.
Not ever.

I dont ever

Want to think of life without you.

1989

Oh shit.
I forgot.
It's my birthday.

My love, My passion, My energy.

Doesn't really fucking exist!

Yeah well it does to an extent. An extent to which I do not know.

My mind is scattered.

Nothing quite makes sense!

Alright, alright, alright.

Let's get fucking laser here Protagonist.
You got it.

   In the first few days of not taking my medication I felt amazing. I really did. Maybe it was just the high of a changing level of dopamine in my brain. But after a night or two of drinking, things changed. It was odd. I got all that anxiety back. All that emotion that I had pent up. That feeling of pressure within my head. That feeling of intense self-consciousness where I am different than everyone in the room. I constantly found myself drowning in "what ifs" and "if onlys." Thoughts that got me no where and couldn't even scratch the surface of that sweet bliss of solace. It's almost as if I need an off switch for my mind.

(tangenital: I've thought of theories where natural human happiness only exists in fluctuating levels of dopamine and serotonin.)

   I've begun forcing myself to meditate. It's hard. I only do it for maybe a minute's time. But I can't hold my eyes closed. I'm afraid someone will see me. See me and think, what the hell is that guy doing?

  I fear I'm far too molded by others.

  People say that you can't worry about what other people think. That no one else matters but you. It's true. It really is true that no one else matters but yourself. And that worrying about what other people think isn't very good for your mental health. But, how many people would you say you know, that would walk around with a dildo on their face? Walk around in a gimp suit? Be called names and be pointed at? Regardless of our beliefs on what we should or shouldn't worry about, we will always be concerned of people's opinions. I believe once we have a true great sense of purpose we may find ourselves not concerned about others. But this all depends on our emotions and what we have in our lives.

  It's almost as if our mental state is characterized by a scale of our emotional health. To be at the top of the scale, you've gotten a new job, someone appreciates you, you love your work, you love the people around you. At this point you can take ridicule and blame. You will feel that these two things are just superficial. Hardly leaving a mark on your pride and soul. Nothing to be concerned about with your strong hard foundation.

  That last paragraph really sticks with me, I feel I can learn more about myself If I think deeper into what I said. To be continued. Work in 6.

Earnestly bored?

I'm confused.

I can feel

When my meds wear off.
It feels good.
I don't feel worry.
I don't feel like I fucked something up.
I can almost be happy.

I don't care.
I don't fucking care.
I don't care.
I don't fucking care.
I don't care.
I don't fucking care.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE.

Watch dog

I'm laying in bed and all I can think of is how to find someone.

Why? Why am I thinking about this?

Why does it feel as painful as lighting my self on fire? Because of all the times I've failed?

I don't know how anyone should act.

Everyone I've ever tried to love makes me feel like I'm just doing it wrong. Made me feel like I'm a fucking alien. Some kind of inhuman monster who wants to wear someone's skin.

I'm not.

I'm a fucking human being who just wants love.

So why don't you like being around your friends?

I do.. But its just not enough for me. I'm not contempt. I'm not fulfilled. I feel like I need more than them. I feel they can't make me feel the way I need to.

Drinking coffee at five in the after noon apparently keeps me up until two in the morning. Great.

When I meet people, I know I'm flawless. I know I'm charismatic and funny. I know I'm charming and attractive. I guess some where along the line people just find out they can't connect with me. We don't have the same humor and values. The only people I can connect with are emotionally unstable it seems.

Breaking at the seams.

I feel like I need a drink.

A rip of a bong.

A line of coke.

It's different

  -knowing you read. I actually believed for quite sometime that you had stopped. A part of me really hoped you took the time to read what I wrote since you emailed me. That you may see my thoughts and maybe one day, you'd favor me once more.
.
  But I really felt different writing. I felt I couldn't make a mistake. Knowing that I didn't have to be wary of my emotions out on a platter for you to pry and become upset about. There was a sense of freedom and a new found motivation to put behind checking the words I wrote. It was insightful finding pleasure in seeing how I could convey images and emotion. Actually enjoying something I haven't in such a long time. It's nothing to be upset about. I know I could write well if I achieved what I strive for.

  I noticed that when I have you in my life, I set out a whole part of me to pursue you. A whole part to think of ways to make you happy, to make you fall in love with me, to make you feel okay with showing me you. Letting me see you with my own two eyes. But it's something I cannot control. I cannot stop the feeling that makes me anxious when I don't hear from you. I can't take the direction of my life and put it towards other things aside from you. I'm a fucking fool and you already know it. I always put love ahead of all else in my life. For better or worse that's who I've become, I just hope things end in a place where we are both happy.

  From this devotion, I lose a sense of creativity as if my mind is greatly preoccupied. I believe subconsciously I set love as my highest priority; Above making friends, finding success, or creating something beautiful. I mean it sucks I can't write well, but it comforts me in such a way; knowing you can conclude how much you mean to me if your actions affect me so greatly.

Missed work today.

I lost a sense of time due to my lack of wanting to stare my responsibilities straight in the face. I knew I had work but put off checking when for the last few days.

Tuesday you know how I feel.

Why did you ask me if i'm talking to anyone else?
I wish you would just be on more often.
I hate waiting on your words.
The earth stops spinning and the wind stops blowing.

Fallow

  I woke up around two p.m. today. Throughout the morning my cell was blaring alarms from messages, emails, everything and everyone that I didn't want to hear nor see. The alarm always sends a shot of deep anxiety and despair directly into my heart. In that noise is every memory of every person I've loved and lost. Pure ecstasy would surface at the short reading of a name. Ajee`. Nikki. I don't think I'll get over that noise any time soon.
  I re-read an email I sent to a previous lover over and over as I sat in my well-wrinkled chair.

" I know It wasn't your intention, but it's insulting sending someone a valentine who has feelings for you, telling them you wish they were family. Don't respond "sorry" or "okay." I'd prefer no response in lieu of that. I'm far more deserving than single word responses. If you have nothing to say otherwise, then don't."

  I was harsh. I was angry when I wrote it. I felt bad reading it. Probably because I still feel for her. Once upon a time I knew how to handle situations like this. Whether writing the letter was a good idea or not. But now? Hah, fuck. I couldn't tell you if feeding myself was a good idea.

  So I was harsh, was I right to be? I mean she lied to me, telling me she loved me and that she wouldn't leave me only moments before she did. But how foolish of a promise is that? How could I honestly believe that she'd keep those words. I had to beg her to show affection. No one should ever put themselves through that. If she didn't feel it, she didn't feel it. I guess I just didn't want to let her go.

--To be continued.

Leave

Abandon your heart

Stop.

Me and Tuesday should have split paths a long time ago.
It just wouldn't have worked.
I kept holding onto the thought that if she loved me, she would change herself.
But who was I kidding? Having her adapt to a whole new way of life with me?
She barely has a handle on her own, and I'm about to throw her into mine where I don't even have any true friends who know me.
I don't think it would be enough for her.
It's why I always wanted to come out there instead of stay here.

But all that thought is innate now. There's no point in dwelling. Apart of me knows she'll read this one day and throw it back in my face somehow.

So where am I now? Shit it's been a long fucking time, eh? It's a weird feeling starting to address myself. I mean, I always have been. But now that I'm not concerned with anyone else? It's.. Different. Different in a way that I haven't felt in a long time.

I need to figure out my priorities. And i'm sure as shit going to need to take my time on that one.

It's hard

Seeing high cheekbones
dark hair
Knowing lykke li
chelsea wolfe
m nadler.
going to work seeing
san francisco every where i look
knowing I have a twitter
realizing the way I say hello
repeating the word gurl
watching scary movies
seeing tiger lily's
hearing someone giggle.
but at least,
no one has your dumb beautiful fucking name.
that rolled off my lips with more
pleasure than food and water.

Leave me

What is it you yearn for?

As I'm sitting in my room searching for purpose,
I find I'm afraid of laying in bed. Knowing what I'll be thinking easily brings me to a place I don't want to be. If I don't preoccupy my mind it will fall.

Instincts

Were right.

You were never honest.
Its only what I deserve.

Next time, don't "protect" me.
Save that for someone you hate.
Because it hurts erasing
The words "I adore you",
"I'm not going to leave you for someone else."
from a place where my security used to lie.
And know for every letter of every word that you misguided me with were moments
Where I'd spend hours, days, weeks,
Fantasizing of
Holding you, meeting you,
Learning your smile,
Feeling safe, but now,
I no longer have to watch my back,
To make sure,
That you're right behind as before.
Because now you'll never be there in the first place.

I want to cry.
I want to forget.

I want to rip my heart out of my chest and burn out my eyes.

I want to stop feeling for love.

Barking

I feel a distance from my lover.
She holds her words behind her lips.
Am I overwhelming?
Why can't you say so?
Silence drives wounds deep.

Sorethroat

Clung like a hook in flesh
I dig deep in my throat
Sucking blood and pressure
Bringing pain
Thick saliva constantly threatens
To choke me in my sleep
I am being tortured
Mentally, physically,
I want to abandon hope.

Fluttering like a fucking butterfly.

Tuesday,
 You make me realize what it's like to feel.
 The warmth you put in me shocks me.
I feel nothing outside of my thoughts of you,
and when you arise,
A flood of emotion that controls me in my entirety..
There is nothing in the world that makes me feel the way you do.

Smoke

I think the withdrawal is filling me with testosterone.

I'm excessively irritable.

I'm furious.

I blow up screaming at the slightest incident of loss of control.

Every noise a person makes me want to yell in their face

Ive felt dizzy since the afternoon.
I'm far off.

Diseased

Like a venom in the blood
I rue tears from thoughts
Memories, turned morbid
From a now empty mind
Yearning for drugs and inebriation.

Liberate

I've stopped taking my medication.

Dont go searching

My heart never existed.

Silence

It's moments like right now that make me wish I was never born.

Desire

You cannot bend stone.

Infuse

Take me from my soul, take me from obligation.

Holdout

Im always depressed and it calculates into my wants a desires and goals.

I don't realize it as a fixed feeling within me.

I do have moments of clarity.

I'm so angry I can't even think of what to write to express myself

Uncorrelated

Hang me dry like a corpse in the sun
Have my flesh turned to ashes
Let me fly away in the wind
Death is only the absence of living

Losing Taste

I feel strange, more of a lack of feeling.

Things all around me are becoming mundane.

Not in the sense that things make me depressed.

Things have lost their light.
Their glimmer.

Why?
What is it I want?
Can I get that which I look for?

I'm having thoughts of cutting,
And feeling pleasure in knowing Tuesday would seek out why I was feeling this way.

It deeply comforts me knowing she actively seeks that I'm okay; That I'm feeling happy.

This thought is the only pleasurable moment of being awake today.

I don't mean to be an "attention whore" I can't find happiness anywhere else right now and I'm holding back tears.

Place

It is difficult to accept your absence.
I unfairly yearn for you even as I sleep.

Circles

I'm laying in bed.

My life isn't terrible but I'm still hurting inside.

I feel like there's so much in my life I don't agree with.

I feel that everything is just so difficult.

I'm starting to think I'm crazy because I choose to be. That I'm unhappy because I want to be. That I choose to avoid things. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I'm in a frying pan and I want to get out.

Am I a sociopath? Is all I want attention? Why? Is that going to get me anywhere? What happened to my goals? The things I had set in life that were to make me happy?

Why is it love will save me? How do I know its all I need?

I need to escape fear.
I need to embrace my identity.