Still thinking.

Of her.

I probably will be until I find someone else.

That's fine, it isn't too problematic for my peace of mind. I wonder now if its just the idea of knowing how close it was.

I'm realizing I want to depersonalize the rest of my writing.

The idea of knowing how I could always go back to get some degree of intimacy. Something I yearn for. I often find my self defeating one sentence after another. I yearn for intimacy but despise it. I've taken plenty of risks. So save yourself the advice.

Knowing how easy it would be to send a message and more then likely get an answer makes me tempted.

I know its not worth it. But something in my mind keeps telling me that there's a chance that things will change.

Why would things change?

Because of what I could say.

What could you say that would change the way things are?

I could convince her to do more things with me to show her our chemistry and how we work.

But is it really enough to hold things together the way they are now?

No. It never was enough.

You knew that. And that she doesn't give you what you deserve. What you know others will.

But I have nothing else.

Make yourself strong. Strong enough to maintain happiness to overcome loss. Then you will be confident.

Happiness huh? Well that should be a wall in the park with this history.

You know you're getting better.

But to what degree?

I've taken away a step from sadness but what I have now.. Its absence. Absence of emotion. Never passionate, never sad. A place of limbo. Have I died?

You could think that. But you know this limbo you speak of isn't the end of your journey.

Then I will continue.
I love you.

I love you too.