Still

I can't believe how often I still think of you.

there literally has not been a single day where I haven't thought about you. I just come across things that we've spoken about before. I come across things you used to love. We used to love.

My most recent trigger was an old email that I found. I incidently clicked on a Google plus group category where I saw your address.  The email had a display message as a preview.  it read: "mike better back off." I forgotten what it was like to be cared about. To be desired. I was filled with an empty emotion. Everything with your name turned to an allergy I had to avoid. A painting I can no longer enjoy.

I must admit, a few days ago, I came utterly close to contacting you. I was watching a movie remake of an old Korean cult classic. More than likely a movie you wouldn't give the time for. But in that remake was an actress who you dearly admired for her beauty. I remember watching the horror movie you loved staring our actress.  We would joke and exclaim everytime the camera gave a shot down her shirt. In the remake there was an actual sex scene with her in it. You wouldn't believe how sexy she was. And my god that naked body. You were right, her tits were fucking godly. I thought of  how you needed to see it.

I contemplated if it would be okay to send just a simple email saying I thought you would enjoy this,  stating the time of the scene  and a link to the movie. It would make me happy to know I made you happy. And it was something I thought I could do and still remain completely distant. I knew it would be impossible if you responded. How easily I would get trapped in you again. I thought of how you were probably in love with someone else by now. My mind shut off at the idea. I repressed the thought with the full weight of a scarred heart.

I know your too beautiful to stay alone. Darling you take care of yourself you hear?