Disarray

My mind is all over.
I'm angry at my life
I'm upset I can't find value in life
I imagined going to an AA meeting and hearing myself speak.

I don't believe the steps can help me.

Life without drugs or alcohol fucking sucks.

I don't believe in god but I do believe in a higher power.

God wouldn't have devastated the people I cared about the most for no fucking reason.

He wouldn't have given me this weak personality that's overly empathetic to everyone just so I could feel their pain in my heart until I wished i couldn't feel anything anymore.

He wouldn't have made my mind forgetful of all things good that happen to me.

"That's you being ungrateful."

Who decides that? That I am ungrateful? Is it not god? He who gives you the strength to forgive people who hurt you can't give me the strength to respect myself? I would be grateful if I knew how to be. To express that emotion if I could fucking feel it.

Maybe i'm not grateful because I don't care about myself. Because I can't find reason to.

You need help.
You do care about yourself.