It's different

  -knowing you read. I actually believed for quite sometime that you had stopped. A part of me really hoped you took the time to read what I wrote since you emailed me. That you may see my thoughts and maybe one day, you'd favor me once more.
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  But I really felt different writing. I felt I couldn't make a mistake. Knowing that I didn't have to be wary of my emotions out on a platter for you to pry and become upset about. There was a sense of freedom and a new found motivation to put behind checking the words I wrote. It was insightful finding pleasure in seeing how I could convey images and emotion. Actually enjoying something I haven't in such a long time. It's nothing to be upset about. I know I could write well if I achieved what I strive for.

  I noticed that when I have you in my life, I set out a whole part of me to pursue you. A whole part to think of ways to make you happy, to make you fall in love with me, to make you feel okay with showing me you. Letting me see you with my own two eyes. But it's something I cannot control. I cannot stop the feeling that makes me anxious when I don't hear from you. I can't take the direction of my life and put it towards other things aside from you. I'm a fucking fool and you already know it. I always put love ahead of all else in my life. For better or worse that's who I've become, I just hope things end in a place where we are both happy.

  From this devotion, I lose a sense of creativity as if my mind is greatly preoccupied. I believe subconsciously I set love as my highest priority; Above making friends, finding success, or creating something beautiful. I mean it sucks I can't write well, but it comforts me in such a way; knowing you can conclude how much you mean to me if your actions affect me so greatly.