Fallow

  I woke up around two p.m. today. Throughout the morning my cell was blaring alarms from messages, emails, everything and everyone that I didn't want to hear nor see. The alarm always sends a shot of deep anxiety and despair directly into my heart. In that noise is every memory of every person I've loved and lost. Pure ecstasy would surface at the short reading of a name. Ajee`. Nikki. I don't think I'll get over that noise any time soon.
  I re-read an email I sent to a previous lover over and over as I sat in my well-wrinkled chair.

" I know It wasn't your intention, but it's insulting sending someone a valentine who has feelings for you, telling them you wish they were family. Don't respond "sorry" or "okay." I'd prefer no response in lieu of that. I'm far more deserving than single word responses. If you have nothing to say otherwise, then don't."

  I was harsh. I was angry when I wrote it. I felt bad reading it. Probably because I still feel for her. Once upon a time I knew how to handle situations like this. Whether writing the letter was a good idea or not. But now? Hah, fuck. I couldn't tell you if feeding myself was a good idea.

  So I was harsh, was I right to be? I mean she lied to me, telling me she loved me and that she wouldn't leave me only moments before she did. But how foolish of a promise is that? How could I honestly believe that she'd keep those words. I had to beg her to show affection. No one should ever put themselves through that. If she didn't feel it, she didn't feel it. I guess I just didn't want to let her go.

--To be continued.