Slurring Words

I'm sitting here. As I always do.

What brings comfort to your life?

Comfort? Nothing that I can think of right now.

Why can't you think of it?

I feel this fucking mask.

Mask?

Yeah something is just... coating me like tar. I feel like a bird in an oil spill.

Interesting.

Yeah I guess.

Name something that upsets you.

Why?

Do it.

Sunchild taking 5 years to hang out.

Why?

Because I have nothing else to do. Because I've been wanting someone for a long time now.

Have you really wanted someone for a long time?

I can't tell you the truth.

Why?

Because I can't.. Find out.. If that's how I've really been..

Did you or didn't you want someone for a long time now?

I'm finding a clash in my head. Two rams Butting.

Sounds like your making a realization than.

Sounds about right but I lost it.

How?

I thought of it, than thought of something else.

Try to focus.
-Well?

Yes. I have been wanting someone for a long time now.

Since when?

Ever since I broke up with X.

Why?

Because I like having someone.

Why?

They give me comfort, confidence, and pure happiness.

What about the bad things?

What bad things?

You know, not being able to go out, to explore, to go to parties, to surf, to skim, to play video games all day long?

You know, after you asked that. I'm starting to think. Going out is all I have. I don't want to explore, no one can with me. I want to go to parties but I have no time and no one to go with. I want to surf, but i'm afraid to go alone and I don't want to drown. Skimming by yourself is awkward, and my computer sucks shit for video games and most my console games suck. So, let me ask you again what bad things?

Hm, what about not being able to talk to any girl you want?

You know. I could have talked to any girl I wanted. But that wasn't it, I wanted to experience relationships with them. And I didn't realize how hard it was to get into a relationship again.

So, lets see. What do you enjoy in your life?

Well, I don't have video games, I have friends, I don't have time to do stuff on the weekend, and I barely have money. The only thing that brings me somewhat of a solace is meeting girls and trying to get them attracted to me. Well, there's also tuesday.

Tuesday?

Tuesday. She's there for me. All the time.

Hm. Do you want her to be your girlfriend?

Hah, funny question. I would, but she's still too young. It'd raise far too many eye brows. Not to mention, i'm'not sure how she really is if we were together. You know, in real life. I wonder if she'd be crazy. As in, flip out on me for the smallest things and have an inability to rationalize like most people don't. I wonder if she'd depend on me as much as X did. I wonder if she'd have her own dreams and goals that were for herself like i would for me. I'd want a girlfriend who was independent, but head over heels for me.

Interesting.

Yeah I guess.

So you realize, the only thing that truly makes you happy, or seems that will make you as you once were, is finding a love right?

I'm kind of seeing that, but something in me really doesn't want to accept that.

Why?

I'm too young. I'm 22 years old and I have barely even lived my life.

What does it mean to live your life?

You know, do crazy things. Like climb a mountain, swim in a desolate lake, go to crazy parties and meet people.

You can have the love of your life and do those things. But something tells me you don't want to meet people.

I do and I don't.

Why not?

Because.

Because what?

Because I have fucking social anxiety? and that the people I meet will make me happy?

How will they make you happy?

Just because they're new and have interesting things to say.

Is it really that important to you?

I don't know.. No it's not.

You see, you don't want to be single. Because nothing in the world right now will make you happy except a girlfriend. You've out grown video games and it's too hard for you to get accustomed to doing anything else that makes you happy.

Well, I guess I can get accustomed to them, but.. your right it is ridiculously hard. Although my friends make me happy momentarily.

Why don't they make you happy all the time?

Because.. I don't know are friends supposed to make you happy all the time?

No, they're not. That asks too much of them.

Hm.

Why wouldn't you want a bunch of friends instead of a girlfriend?

A bunch of friends couldn't give me what a girlfriend can.

Really? Do you know that for certain?

No. But it sure as hell feels that way.

Hm.

I think our time is up.

Okay.