Rut.

That was a long rut. I'm climbing out of the trenches right now. I think it's all chemical in my head. The only things that can keep that rut away is stimulants it feels. Coffee, tea, ginkobloba and ginseng, more add medicine.

I just came back from the store for my mother, who asked for me to buy her food. I saw these punk kids. punk kids being young punk kids. I looked at the prettiest girl in the group like usual. I kept eye contact. She saw me, i saw her. I looked like i didn't give a shit. I didn't. I dreamed about them starting with me. I imagined how i would react and what i'd say to them. I'd probably fight. I'd grab the jars of salsa or anything heavy like glass and just bash it in their faces. It makes me feel like that was a paranoid attack. I imagined them laughing about me. Oh yeah, they were laughing. They were running around doing stupid things that would piss off the owner of the store. Grabbing shit playing with things. It made me angry. They were loud. Obnoxious. Its 11:30 in a grocery store. The fuck are you doing?

Love. I think i want love now. I think really do want it. I think i'm desperate for it. I want somebody, to love me as much as i love them. Unconditionally. But I think, my mind doesn't know how to get there anymore. I don't think i know where to start besides talking to them. I actually thought of Ex today, and what we had. I want that. I want to sleep next to somebody. I want to hold them, i want them to hold me. I want to drain their warmth with my cold body. to smell their stupid hair. To lay on them when i was tired. To joke. to laugh. to experience. to cry. to fight. to like. to travel with. to die with.