Let's Grow

Focusing Focusing Focusing.

I have that appointment with my doctor today. It's going to be at 2:30. This is the same doctor that prescribed me my ADD meds. He's an old russian guy. Accent and all. Very care free and probably reckless. I don't doubt his knowledge, he just seems hilarious when he says "Hey what some drugs to make you feel better?!" He really reminds me of that old russian president i don't remember his name. He was on the cartoon show animaniacs at one point. He had a big liver spot on his head.. Well whatever continue.

Where does focus come from? You know I'm sure many many people would like to know where it comes from. I could be the first person to find out, but, you know I don't feel like the reward would be worth the effort. It's just not. So i find where focus comes from, big woop. I find that it depends on the events in our lives, and how those events are classified. Depending on their classification will add up to a certain value. And in our brains, we have a certain threshold to contain that certain value. This is all non-physiological. But then a great consideration that would have to be taken would be.. the point where thought and experience causes physiological change. Hm. Crazy shit.

So let's see where life has left me since X.

A lot of experiences that I could have done without. Hah. But then again what experiences do i consider to be worthwhile? I need to start making that list. Good things i experienced without X, making out with other girls, becoming more socially capable, gaining weight.

Hey you know, i think if i was with X, I might have actually broken up with her anyway.... That's strange. I can't rationalize that, but I'm just.. feeling it. I feel like this weird ass emotional rut swings that I've been getting would have been inevitable. Although the only goal that crosses my mind.. if we were together, would be how to make her have better sex with me. She was pretty eh. Hahah. I'm not saying that as insulting or whatever, but it was just.. Well it's a touchy subject. Ever since her fucking stepfather.

The sex was a lot of mixed emotions with her, as many people could imagine. For those of you just reading, i won't tell you what her stepfather did to her, but I'll let you know how i feel. I feel, still, angry. Violent. And jaded. Hm. That's not enough. When I think of the experience knowing what he did then, I have this one vividly reoccurring memory. It was summer. Night. We had a great day, doing something that didn't matter what we were doing, because we loved each and every moment spent with one another. I already knew at that time, what her stepfather did. And continued to do. She held my hand and smiled until we reached close to her house. She stole her hand from mine, and I at first was confused. Then I saw her face. Blank. Mine had followed hers. We slowly pulled in the driveway as I turned off my lights several feet before we came in front of her house. I was trying to not raise any attention. Desperately.  We sat in silence. Looking forward. I didn't want to believe what was going to happen happen. I tried to pretend we didn't feel what we did. "So it was really fun today, I'll talk to you when I get home kay?" Monotone, low, emotionless "Yeah, sure." She pulled out a fake smile from the depths of her mind. She had to hurdle a wall the size of a skyscraper to do so. "Are you okay?" I asked now more silent, serious. I forget the words she told me. All is remember my heart filled with a sullen black. A heavy lead poured into its space. Anxiety took over. She spoke about how sometimes he was there. Waiting for her to come home. I realized her eyes never left the the dark window just over her porch. She was looking with an animal instinct. She was wondering. Is he there? Is he sitting in the darkness like he did the other nights? Waiting for me to come home? Doing what he did, while everyone was asleep, so they wouldn't hear what went on? She was stoic. She didn't give a fuck to the world. She lived almost entirely in her mind. Barely on the surface, being there just enough to be able to respond to the things I said. She spoke, "I have to go." I looked at her, with an intense pain and an acknowledgement of what was going to happen. "Okay." I watched as she quitely closed my door and crept up her steps. She walked in. I quietly backed out of the drive way, lights still off. I drove out of  sight and ear, Turned on my lights and Gripped my steering wheel so tight with a fierce look in my eye. I jammed the gas and ripped every turn on the road.. until i reached home to finally break down and all lose emotion leaving me in a blank slate.

Fuck. I nearly cried writing that. I should really get some food. I'm finding myself returning to how I used to be, getting caught up in whatever moment or thing i do skipping to eat food. I get so enthralled that my hunger just dissipates.

Au revoir.