A Cut Through Space And Time.

I didn't take it yet. But I just got home from dwarf's house. Tuesday where are you.

I wanted to write, about how, in the midst of depression. I broke out of it slightly. When I first met up with jobro and his gf, I was short, angsty, and showed i was angry- at life. They didn't think anything of it, but it helped take the depression out.

Something else that really helped me cut it out was actually talking to myself as if i were two different people. One who was cool, to the point, and stern. The other who was far too sensitive, weak, and how I am, myself, recently. It was the worst and best in me. I spoke to myself like I do here. It felt empowering to talk to myself like that.

Lastly, to further inject days and moments into the time before I slip this pill, I find that another effective way of beating it is, Not Thinking. Not thinking about Anything. Just, Express. Act. And Move on.

So you cunt, what's up now?

Nothing, i'm just.. Trying to shake it off.

Shake it off?

Shake off this haze.

Haze? Is that what we call it now?

Well, It's the depression.. I think.. I can't place it for a fact.

Well, what is the definition of depression?

I don't know.

Why don't you know?

Because of the Haze.

Interesting. It sounds like theres a chance it cant be depression.

That's true.

I mean when your depressed they list the symptoms like, loss of interest, over tendency to sleep, not eating over eating, sad or irritable mood, agitation or restleessness, constant fatigue or loss of energy, Frequent feelings of worthlessness or guilt, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, frequent thoughts of suicide.

Well, i've thought of suicide, i have difficulty concnetrating, and i haveee a loss of interest or pleasure in activities.

Hmm.. That's about 3 out of a few isnt it.

Yeah.

What do you think it is?

Something that needs to go.

If it went how would you be?

Hungry.

Hungry?

For life.

You're not hungry for life?

I don't think so. I just.. want..

Want what?

Solace. That feeling of being at ease. That feeling of hating spending every moment not doing anything. Being able to get what I need from others.

Interesting.

You've work in 5 hours or so.

I know.

Why don't you sleep?

I was hoping for Tuesday.

The Beginning Of The End.

This will be one of the last posts of me, untainted. Before I change the course of nature. The moments where I'll be.. Lucid. I'm afraid to say- I'm about to take the Lexapro. I don't want to take the Lexapro. However, I'm not going to lie. Delayed ejaculation sounds awesome for whoever I'm going to be getting down with.

Lexapro:
Makes me feel weak. Like a failure. That I couldn't make the cut. That I couldn't take the heat. That I wasn't able to survive.

Enough of this shit. I don't care about writing anymore.

I'll make a video of myself before I do. I'll probably cry. Haha, pussy. You know shit.. Do I have more then one personality? I'm starting to get scared. Better make sure Lexapro doesn't enhance that shit.

No worries.

Sunchild bailed.
I got high.
:]

the itis

Looks 90's vhs in Spain.

BITE THE FUCKING BULLET.

All i fucking feel right now. Is stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. I feel like i've been feeling it forever. For. Fucking. Ever. It. Fucking. Feels. Unbearable.UNFUCKINGBEARABLE. If I didn't expect Sunchild to message me. I'd probably smoke all the weed I have. I can't go to Tuesday. It's not fair for her to give me solace right now. I have to tough this shit out. Tough it FUCKING OUT. Grip the fucking chair while the drill digs deep. Break through the skin, the bone, the vein, the tendon, the muscle.

Can you fucking FEEEEEEEEEEEEEL THEEEEEEEEE STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT. You know. I should record myself. And I will. To see where the fuck I am. To see what these words look like off the screen.

Slurring Words

I'm sitting here. As I always do.

What brings comfort to your life?

Comfort? Nothing that I can think of right now.

Why can't you think of it?

I feel this fucking mask.

Mask?

Yeah something is just... coating me like tar. I feel like a bird in an oil spill.

Interesting.

Yeah I guess.

Name something that upsets you.

Why?

Do it.

Sunchild taking 5 years to hang out.

Why?

Because I have nothing else to do. Because I've been wanting someone for a long time now.

Have you really wanted someone for a long time?

I can't tell you the truth.

Why?

Because I can't.. Find out.. If that's how I've really been..

Did you or didn't you want someone for a long time now?

I'm finding a clash in my head. Two rams Butting.

Sounds like your making a realization than.

Sounds about right but I lost it.

How?

I thought of it, than thought of something else.

Try to focus.
-Well?

Yes. I have been wanting someone for a long time now.

Since when?

Ever since I broke up with X.

Why?

Because I like having someone.

Why?

They give me comfort, confidence, and pure happiness.

What about the bad things?

What bad things?

You know, not being able to go out, to explore, to go to parties, to surf, to skim, to play video games all day long?

You know, after you asked that. I'm starting to think. Going out is all I have. I don't want to explore, no one can with me. I want to go to parties but I have no time and no one to go with. I want to surf, but i'm afraid to go alone and I don't want to drown. Skimming by yourself is awkward, and my computer sucks shit for video games and most my console games suck. So, let me ask you again what bad things?

Hm, what about not being able to talk to any girl you want?

You know. I could have talked to any girl I wanted. But that wasn't it, I wanted to experience relationships with them. And I didn't realize how hard it was to get into a relationship again.

So, lets see. What do you enjoy in your life?

Well, I don't have video games, I have friends, I don't have time to do stuff on the weekend, and I barely have money. The only thing that brings me somewhat of a solace is meeting girls and trying to get them attracted to me. Well, there's also tuesday.

Tuesday?

Tuesday. She's there for me. All the time.

Hm. Do you want her to be your girlfriend?

Hah, funny question. I would, but she's still too young. It'd raise far too many eye brows. Not to mention, i'm'not sure how she really is if we were together. You know, in real life. I wonder if she'd be crazy. As in, flip out on me for the smallest things and have an inability to rationalize like most people don't. I wonder if she'd depend on me as much as X did. I wonder if she'd have her own dreams and goals that were for herself like i would for me. I'd want a girlfriend who was independent, but head over heels for me.

Interesting.

Yeah I guess.

So you realize, the only thing that truly makes you happy, or seems that will make you as you once were, is finding a love right?

I'm kind of seeing that, but something in me really doesn't want to accept that.

Why?

I'm too young. I'm 22 years old and I have barely even lived my life.

What does it mean to live your life?

You know, do crazy things. Like climb a mountain, swim in a desolate lake, go to crazy parties and meet people.

You can have the love of your life and do those things. But something tells me you don't want to meet people.

I do and I don't.

Why not?

Because.

Because what?

Because I have fucking social anxiety? and that the people I meet will make me happy?

How will they make you happy?

Just because they're new and have interesting things to say.

Is it really that important to you?

I don't know.. No it's not.

You see, you don't want to be single. Because nothing in the world right now will make you happy except a girlfriend. You've out grown video games and it's too hard for you to get accustomed to doing anything else that makes you happy.

Well, I guess I can get accustomed to them, but.. your right it is ridiculously hard. Although my friends make me happy momentarily.

Why don't they make you happy all the time?

Because.. I don't know are friends supposed to make you happy all the time?

No, they're not. That asks too much of them.

Hm.

Why wouldn't you want a bunch of friends instead of a girlfriend?

A bunch of friends couldn't give me what a girlfriend can.

Really? Do you know that for certain?

No. But it sure as hell feels that way.

Hm.

I think our time is up.

Okay.

Let's Grow

Focusing Focusing Focusing.

I have that appointment with my doctor today. It's going to be at 2:30. This is the same doctor that prescribed me my ADD meds. He's an old russian guy. Accent and all. Very care free and probably reckless. I don't doubt his knowledge, he just seems hilarious when he says "Hey what some drugs to make you feel better?!" He really reminds me of that old russian president i don't remember his name. He was on the cartoon show animaniacs at one point. He had a big liver spot on his head.. Well whatever continue.

Where does focus come from? You know I'm sure many many people would like to know where it comes from. I could be the first person to find out, but, you know I don't feel like the reward would be worth the effort. It's just not. So i find where focus comes from, big woop. I find that it depends on the events in our lives, and how those events are classified. Depending on their classification will add up to a certain value. And in our brains, we have a certain threshold to contain that certain value. This is all non-physiological. But then a great consideration that would have to be taken would be.. the point where thought and experience causes physiological change. Hm. Crazy shit.

So let's see where life has left me since X.

A lot of experiences that I could have done without. Hah. But then again what experiences do i consider to be worthwhile? I need to start making that list. Good things i experienced without X, making out with other girls, becoming more socially capable, gaining weight.

Hey you know, i think if i was with X, I might have actually broken up with her anyway.... That's strange. I can't rationalize that, but I'm just.. feeling it. I feel like this weird ass emotional rut swings that I've been getting would have been inevitable. Although the only goal that crosses my mind.. if we were together, would be how to make her have better sex with me. She was pretty eh. Hahah. I'm not saying that as insulting or whatever, but it was just.. Well it's a touchy subject. Ever since her fucking stepfather.

The sex was a lot of mixed emotions with her, as many people could imagine. For those of you just reading, i won't tell you what her stepfather did to her, but I'll let you know how i feel. I feel, still, angry. Violent. And jaded. Hm. That's not enough. When I think of the experience knowing what he did then, I have this one vividly reoccurring memory. It was summer. Night. We had a great day, doing something that didn't matter what we were doing, because we loved each and every moment spent with one another. I already knew at that time, what her stepfather did. And continued to do. She held my hand and smiled until we reached close to her house. She stole her hand from mine, and I at first was confused. Then I saw her face. Blank. Mine had followed hers. We slowly pulled in the driveway as I turned off my lights several feet before we came in front of her house. I was trying to not raise any attention. Desperately.  We sat in silence. Looking forward. I didn't want to believe what was going to happen happen. I tried to pretend we didn't feel what we did. "So it was really fun today, I'll talk to you when I get home kay?" Monotone, low, emotionless "Yeah, sure." She pulled out a fake smile from the depths of her mind. She had to hurdle a wall the size of a skyscraper to do so. "Are you okay?" I asked now more silent, serious. I forget the words she told me. All is remember my heart filled with a sullen black. A heavy lead poured into its space. Anxiety took over. She spoke about how sometimes he was there. Waiting for her to come home. I realized her eyes never left the the dark window just over her porch. She was looking with an animal instinct. She was wondering. Is he there? Is he sitting in the darkness like he did the other nights? Waiting for me to come home? Doing what he did, while everyone was asleep, so they wouldn't hear what went on? She was stoic. She didn't give a fuck to the world. She lived almost entirely in her mind. Barely on the surface, being there just enough to be able to respond to the things I said. She spoke, "I have to go." I looked at her, with an intense pain and an acknowledgement of what was going to happen. "Okay." I watched as she quitely closed my door and crept up her steps. She walked in. I quietly backed out of the drive way, lights still off. I drove out of  sight and ear, Turned on my lights and Gripped my steering wheel so tight with a fierce look in my eye. I jammed the gas and ripped every turn on the road.. until i reached home to finally break down and all lose emotion leaving me in a blank slate.

Fuck. I nearly cried writing that. I should really get some food. I'm finding myself returning to how I used to be, getting caught up in whatever moment or thing i do skipping to eat food. I get so enthralled that my hunger just dissipates.

Au revoir.

Do you feel me?

Yeah. I Feel you.

Good.

Push to start.

Start. You remember this feeling? I do. I really do. Hah. Let me think about what to talk about. I'm fregging hungry. One. Tuesday is really hard to talk to right now. Two. I find it hard to bring up anything with her right now. Everything I feel is a dispute or something of un-interest. Then i feel like it strikes up emotions in her that she doesn't acknowledge. I think that's just my inability to believe her. I wonder if she is telling the truth. I don't think she is half the time. That or she's just not acknowledging the reactions she feels. Maybe because she doesn't want to bring it up because than i'd be winning or something? I kind of doubt that. Hm. It really could be me though ya know- If i have this new paranoia that really is paranoia. It's just hard to believe her sometimes. It really is. Especially with her lack of explanations. She decides not to explain any of her actions to me and when she ever so rarely does i don't believe them. It's like i'm not making ground or going anywhere. A conversation is like a walk. You take one step at a time, one topic at a time. I feel like i'm not taking any steps. I'm just standing here. I could believe her and the things she says to me, but i don't want to be caught believing in a lie. Is that pride? me not wanting to be wrong? I mean it does indicate a lesser intelligence to be fooled, but if she can pull it off, why can she? I'd imagine from a lot of strong emotions that arose from hurtful situations.

Morning

This morning is unusually. Happy. I'm not finding faults. I'm not finding sadness. I love it.

I can't let go
Let go of what?
everything.
What's everything
I mean, i can't just.. let things.. pass... i can't forgive myself.
Forgive yourself for?
Not taking action. Every moment i spend not taking steps to where i want to be, i hate myself.
And where do you want to be.
i don't know
how come you don't know?
i can't just process the thought.
what does that mean?
I just.. don't.. know.. where i want to be...
So how could you be angry at yourself for not taking steps that were never there to begin with?
Because, what i want. It comes in glimpses.
could you describe that better?
I feel like, i'm in the night, floating in the ocean, and nearly drowning. Most the time i'm under the water. and i see the moon's translucent shape in the sky, distorted from the water. The moon is what i want. Each stroke to keep my head up, is the steps i take to get closer. At times, i get my head above the water, and i see the moon. perfectly. I see exactly what i want. But when.. i don't take the steps, i go under, i sink, deep into the darkness of the ocean. where the light of the moon becomes so obscured that i can't make out it's shape anymore.
Hm.
Blank just blanked
Really?
Yeah.
Whats' running through your head?
Blank. Blank what i'm blanking to blank. Blanks blank scares me.
Hold tight.
   Maintain Cabin Pressure
       Wear your oxygen mask
            Bow your head low
                Grab your knees.

Stop the thought.

I just woke up distraught as a mother fucker. I ask myself why. I find it's without cause. There's no reason. I cant find what I'm missing. I can't find what's worth feeling this way.

I laid there, eyes open. Staring. The ceiling still white. My feelings still wrong. I thought of a girlfriend. I thought of how a girlfriend would solve everything. I thought how the warmth of another would make this pain go away.

This thought just striked my mind. How when i talk to people they tell me. You need to love yourself first. You shouldn't find someone if you don't love life. FUCK YOU. to everyone who says that. You don't know fucking shit. You spring up 5 day relationships. You hold eyes for anyone with a different look. You fucking cant find fidelity.

People. Are young and old. Still no one is truly bold. No one lives by the morals they believe in. Morals to them are just words and phrases. That make them feel "good" inside. For things that they shouldn't. People, young and old. They still act out on emotion, instead of thought. Cry about loss that cannot be changed. Complain about worthless events without seeing the bigger picture.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

I feel time going faster. my age getting older. My glory days fading. My life cant be put on hold because I have the idea im' supposed to be having fun. The most fun i ever will in my life. Right now. right fucking now. And you know what I'm feeling?

Nothing.

Getting confused.

Up down? Who fucking knows. Left right? could you really prove it if you tried? The lack of logic and reason escapes me. I want to feel. I think I need to get High. I think. That. My. Brain. Is. Rotting. I find nihilism in everything i try to rationalize.

How is it,
We can kill
Spill the emotion
That we love
That we endure
That grabs
Our heart
and Soul
With the dark
foul cold
That festers
In mind
Growing larger
in time?

Take what we
get for things we
desperately want
But know we
shouldn't have.

To smile with
the pain. We
Blind our eyes
To the time
where all things
never ever die.

And with dagger in back
we feel the pressure
The hum of the train
on the tracks we stay
to lay
to die
today.

stupid fucking class

NO I DISAGREE WIT CHU CAUSE I TAKE OFFENSE TO YOUR DIFFERING OPINNNION. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW HOW TO USE THE MEDICATION IF SHE DOESNT SHE DEAD.

THEY WOULDN'T DISCHARGE A 39 YEAR OLD WOMAN FROM THE FUCKING HOSPITAL WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO USE A MEDICATION THAT WOULD SAVE HER FUCKING LIFE YOU DUMB SHIT.

I would have moved the pregnant patient with high risk pregnancy on bed rest further back. Shes just pregnant.

HIGH RISK PREGNANCY = SHE COULD DIE IF SHE GIVES BIRTH. BEDREST - CONFINEMENT OF A SICK PATIENT TO THE BED. THEY WOULDN'T CONFINE HER TO THE BED IF SHE WAS FINE. SHE HAS 3 FUCKING KIDS. SHES GOING TO GIVE BIRTH AND DIE WHILE HER KIDS GO APE SHIT. NICE FUCKING CALL.

Angry As A Motherfucker

Fucking school is filled with dolts. I'm tired. Exhausted. I don't want to fucking work.

Morning

Its going to be a long day today. I can feel it. Time is going to pass at the slowest possible pace it can. I woke up 4 or 5 times from 7 to 7:30 today.  it felt like a new day each time i fell asleep. I hope i make through work today. And this heat isnt making the day any easier. I'm breaking out from my allergy to water and temperature. My skin is just asking to be ripped off. The itch on my chest is insatiable. The diagonal scratches on my hips get bigger. Fuck. I'm looking outside now, the condensation from the heat sprayed my window with a hose. My room is too cold. I've got a runny nose. I'm hungry. There's 10 minutes before i can leave. I should leave.

The Enigma

A Possible Cause of All Fucking Delirium.

I don't think i can find the love and happiness anywhere in the world like i did with my ex.
This is why i'm depressed. This is why i'm insatiable. This is why everything in the fucking world is meaningless, except people. People who i can find that happiness with once again.

I left X, because I wanted to experience other women. I wanted to experience going places. Doing things I couldn't with x. Going places and not having to worry about her. Meeting a random stranger and have sex with her for just a night. Hang out with whoever and not worry if I talk to much to a girl. Go climb a mountain, take a 10 day hiking trip. Everything. I'm only 22. Only 22.

I have this urge. This urge to find someone. To get them and to have them. I wonder if people NEED a rebound. I need to ask myself constantly: What do I want. What do I want. What Do I Want.

Writing

I'm sitting here in my room, sweating. Waiting. Reading blogs, getting inspired. I'm feeling the music in the back of my monitor. It's soothing. My back is somewhat upright from the book underneath my arms while i type. The watch on my wrist is ticking consistently, right. on. time. The labor workers are in my neighbors lawn making that loud hum. The sound louder according to the amount of grass it cuts. The sun is slowly peering in from the window while my shutters stay upright at a 30 degree angle. They cut through the shade facing the inside of my room like butter. The scrapes on my knuckles from training are fading. The song is changing now. I look at my new cell phone as it sits here on this book. Perched like an eagle. Like a little assistant ready to help me and my day. You know every time i hear this artist, her songs, it makes me think of this girl. The artist words become hers to me. I feel like this girl wants the artists words to be her own. She wants to speak how she speaks. You know, this girl. She's something else. She's something I find to be special. To me. And she's some intricate maze of a woman. With twists and turns and perils at each corner. To make it through this maze is something i know will be far harder than I would ever know. I feel she lies. but she tells me she doesn't. She tells me things with these eyes. So I know she does. Shes an animal. Hiding in the forest. Who I sit and wait for, in the open plain. She comes to feed from my hand, to play and dart. But when I laugh to loud, or jump to start, shell get scared. startled. Show her teeth. Her playful manner becomes a defensive wall as she leaves. I can't take the thoughts of hurting this girl. Its 5 minutes till work. And I can't even take the time. Because i'm trying to find my mind. Every moment slips with my watch still ticking. I want to hear this girls voice. Beep. Beep. Beep. But I don't want to wait for it, and spend effort to it. What does that make me? I'll get some clarity soon. I promise.

Rut.

That was a long rut. I'm climbing out of the trenches right now. I think it's all chemical in my head. The only things that can keep that rut away is stimulants it feels. Coffee, tea, ginkobloba and ginseng, more add medicine.

I just came back from the store for my mother, who asked for me to buy her food. I saw these punk kids. punk kids being young punk kids. I looked at the prettiest girl in the group like usual. I kept eye contact. She saw me, i saw her. I looked like i didn't give a shit. I didn't. I dreamed about them starting with me. I imagined how i would react and what i'd say to them. I'd probably fight. I'd grab the jars of salsa or anything heavy like glass and just bash it in their faces. It makes me feel like that was a paranoid attack. I imagined them laughing about me. Oh yeah, they were laughing. They were running around doing stupid things that would piss off the owner of the store. Grabbing shit playing with things. It made me angry. They were loud. Obnoxious. Its 11:30 in a grocery store. The fuck are you doing?

Love. I think i want love now. I think really do want it. I think i'm desperate for it. I want somebody, to love me as much as i love them. Unconditionally. But I think, my mind doesn't know how to get there anymore. I don't think i know where to start besides talking to them. I actually thought of Ex today, and what we had. I want that. I want to sleep next to somebody. I want to hold them, i want them to hold me. I want to drain their warmth with my cold body. to smell their stupid hair. To lay on them when i was tired. To joke. to laugh. to experience. to cry. to fight. to like. to travel with. to die with.

High

You don't want find to someone to love because there's too much stress and anxiety in trying to get where you once were. You cant afford more stress and anxiety. Your mind says it's not worth the pain.

Unstable

HEY GUESS WHAT

WHAT

I WAS PULLING OVER MY CHAIR TO DO PULLS UP RIGHT

RIGHT

AND I WAS LIKE. THIS REMINDS ME OF A THOUGHT OF SOMEONE KILLING THEMSELVES.

DO YOU WANT TO

YOU KNOW, QUITE FRANKLY, I DON'T CARE.

WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF I DO OR I DONT.

Hey eyes, don't ask me about this.

Relationships

You know, I don't think many people have close relationships. Like the one I had. I find most people lie. They don't really be themselves around people. They don't try to learn one another's thoughts and emotions. They just... skim the top of the surface. They don't know how to connect. How.. People say, you need time apart. I don't understand that. Why would you ever need time apart? Is this some kind of large misconception most people just have implanted into their heads? I mean,I guess i just wasn't experienced enough to see what life was like when your not together all the time.

Searching Continued.

I don't really know what i want from life. I really don't. I'm not writing this to ask something of anyone anymore. I'm writing this because, well it's just how i am right now. I don't know what i want. And it kills me not knowing that. Everything i do related to change now.. its so deeply connected with anxiety and depression. I can't rationalize these stupid fucking emotions. I don't know what it is. I'm just... Well.. broken. I'm starting to think that the cause to some of this shit is from those fucking ADD med's i went on. It probably wasn't the best idea to try and take them while i was so stressed out about school and Africa. It was dumb as shit quite frankly.

I saw her on facebook a few moments ago. I thought o how shes so easy to talk to, it'd be great to say hey. Then i thought of her dumb bullshit personality. Bullshit to everyone, but mainly, herself. I feel like she doesn't realize that. That her whole persona is some kind of facade. Just to hide whatever it is she wants to hide. I felt a strong urge to talk to her, just to say hey. But the thoughts of what i went through for her was, well, fucking scarring itself.

I'm starting to see this paranoia thing show it's face.. Like crazy. It's ugly. Very, very, very, ugly.

I'm losing consciousnesss.

I don't feel sleepy.

Hawks

Is how they watch. For someone like me.

I guess I'll just finish the night, i should mention I'm getting strange shit feelings.

I asked her if she was single i believe where i last left off. My vision was so blurry then, I could barely make out her face. My eyes always turn to shit when i'm drunk. I know she was cute though. I ask her. She says no, do you really want to know my deal? protag: Hell yeah. 5'2: I was married for 4 years. I'm not anymore. protag: really. interesting. Do you want a drink? i'm going inside. 5'2: Nah i'm good. I go back inside. I get a drink. Go back outside, talk more. Inside after 5'2s asian friend finishes her cigarette. The asian girl disappears as we walked in. My eyes were set on 5'2. I come up, "Hey, do you want to go talk alone?" 5'2: what? uh. "Yeah outside, come on." 5'2: "Alright yeah sure." She follows me. We take some steps down the little front deck like deal at the bar and go to the curb. We start talking. Talking about everything. I tell her i'm a nerd, she tells me she's insecure with her age, 28. She asked me two or three times about it. She told me a lot about her past relationship because i was asking about it. After we got comfrotable, i used the game. "Do you think i'm attractive?" 5'2: "yeah." "Would you like to kiss me?" smiling, "yeah." 30 minutes of making out and fierce groping persue. Beast shouts behind the drunken lust which is now me and 5'2, "you know you have your own car right?" I was confused by the question. Before I could speak 5'2 did. "you have your own car?" "yeah. why?" "Well what the fuck are you waiting for you pussy?" "Haha, alright do you want to go for a ride somewhere?" "where would we go?" "Anywhere you want." "Haha, alright let me just tell asian girl." She took steps away from me. I stand there drinking my beer. Asian girl comes shouting : "Yo protagonist you're cool and all, but you're not taking her home. Fuck that. You are not taking her home." She walks in, 5'2 tries to talk to her, i tell her i really gotta go home for work in 5 hours. She say's alright. I say i'll text you tomorrow. They disappear back in the bar. I go to my car, drunk. I drive flawlessly home. I don't know how i went to sleep or how i did.

Hungover, work in 10 minutes.

Fuck. my head is still spinning. What happened last night? A fucking lot. Beast pussed out, dwarf was drunken fucking mess, Fire came down and didn't pay for any drinks, and Farmerboy hung around. I f'n winged 2 girls, brought them to ford to talk. Beast and Farmerboy come over and steal them from Fire. Dwarf is fucking retarded and was retarded when i originally brought them over to fire.  He kept trying to hang on them. I carried him up for a solid 20 minutes. He started to threaten to kill me and Fire. He couldn't still for the life of him. We called his brother's gf to pick him up. she took forever. He broke a couple tress, lost his glasses, i had to put him in a choke hold, i fell with him to the pavement. Fuck that was frustrating. I go back in, found Beast stealing the show, amoging his own friend. Kind of bull shit thing for him to do. The asian girl Fire was trying to get with had a boyfriend, but Beast still thought he could do something. Farmerboy couldn't do much, just staying in his comfort zone. I sat awhile at the other end of the bar throwing looks at the two of them. After a while they went back out. I stood for a few minutes listening to the band play. I went outside. Beast loses the two girls, pretending like he knew what he was doing. I was like "What are you doing man? What happened?" Beast immediately got defensive and questioned if i went up to the two girls at this table. I said "No way man! they're to old anyway." We see them jump out and in for a cigarette. Beast and Farmerboy shadow the two girls I originally winged. We walk in together. They're in their own world. I tell Beast, "Fuck this shit man come with me." i grabbed him by the shoulder and we walk over to the girls we eyed up at the table. Fuck the one looked old. Completely awkward conversation. Beast took the blonde, I got the brunette. We were like fucking clockwork. Green berets Specially designed to defuse a situation. I can't remember much of the conversation, but a guy in the band was her boyfriend. I insuated she was old. I fell a little upset doing so, but it's whatever. Both of them had boyfriends, we found out after 20 minutes of conversation. The burnette was going for her NP license. The Blonde was something I horribly fail to remember. The brunette asked "to go to the bathroom", aka, can I talk to my boyfriend. It was whatever. There's alittle burn but it aint bad. Me and Beast pull out, after Beast gave his number to the blonde. She was 20, drinking. We got back out side. I don't remember much but, I say, "Hey 5'2, are you single?" Her asian friend says "Damn that's straight forward. That's hot." I smile, without breaking a sweat. I've got to work. Finish later.

FUCK. everything. I'm drunk.

VERRRYYYY FICUKING ADRUN,KJ ROGJHT NOW. Man i have so much to say  but i remember so little. i helped out beast, dwarf, and Fire, immensly tonight, I approached maybe 6-7 igirls tonight, TUESADAY I'M  SORRY.  they neeede me. you'r probaboy goin to hurt form this but it's the turth. i won't hide it from you because thats wrong. io made out with a girl;. SHE WAS 28/. she has he rown kid whos 3 years old. i don't know, the whol efucking nnot bating thing got to me ai guess. she was cute, but sueper short. and she did have a kid. she thought i wouldnt dtalk to her again, but idk i said i woul.d i t'd tdext her tomorrow and all. but i don't fucking now know fn jobro and his gf b ailed. i'll post videos of the night. i'm jdropping my head in my arms,. i'm tired. i gotta wake i n5 hors. the ficuikgoin time is sleep skl sssslpping by like its nothing.  I'm sorry tuesday, i'm sorry sory sorry i never want to hur you veeverer.r.. it's the oalast thing i want. don't stop dreaming . theres more to life than the thin sag i say. i llll tlk to yo utomorr.w

Don't bleed, don't breathe, just don't quite give a fuck.

Our protagonist: punk! let me know if you still want to go to movie theatereses! i gotta sleep i'm beat as a mofo lol.

Our protagonist: oh and if you responded to me saying that last night my internet cuts out while i'm sleeping for some reason.. no idea why

Ghost returned at 1:19:59 AM.

Ghost: i can't on sat  i had forgotten i was invited to a b-day party on saturday

Our protagonist: you suck!

Ghost: theyd think i sucked if i didnt go bc of some BOY

Our protagonist: well did you tell them how awesome i was?

Ghost: no!

Our protagonist: lol

Our protagonist: well than tell them!

Our protagonist: they'd understand

Ghost: i dont think so

Ghost: they arent internet friends

Our protagonist: hahah

Ghost: haha

Our protagonist: that's a bummer

Our protagonist: so whats up

Ghost: nm i just started the daily show

Our protagonist: so where are ya all day with your away message up?

Ghost: working, sleeping, just not here?

Our protagonist: ah that sucks

Our protagonist: work and sleep part i mean

Ghost: i dont find sleep to suck

Our protagonist: lol

Our protagonist: fine than the work part

Our protagonist: i hate sleeping myself

Ghost: you hate a lot of things that are generally awesome

Our protagonist: lol what?

Our protagonist: like?

Ghost: you just told me you hated something

Our protagonist: yeah but you said i hate a lot of things

Our protagonist: plural

Ghost: yes

Our protagonist: like?!

Ghost: youve told me you hate things before

Ghost: idk why i have to repeat it lol

Our protagonist: LIKE

Ghost: you know what im talking about

Our protagonist: no i don't. lol

Ghost: eating?

Our protagonist: Well that's just a hassle

Ghost: you specifically said you hated it so im gonna think you hate it

Our protagonist: lol

Our protagonist: whatevers

Our protagonist: i gotta sleep did tons of shit today

Our protagonist: including getting thrown over a longboard!

Ghost: at least you sound like you did interesting things haha

Our protagonist: lol yeah ran 3 miles at 7 in the morning

Our protagonist: 2 hours at gym some fair in freehold

Our protagonist: etc etc

Ghost: gotcha

Our protagonist: BUT!

Our protagonist: miss eva-san

Our protagonist: will you ever be free?

Our protagonist: honestly :P

Ghost: will i ever be free or will i ever not be sick?  no one knows

Our protagonist: gotcha

Our protagonist: night.

Ghost: night

Witchcraft.

The Supernatural Tuesday

The supernatural couldn't stop moving.

Ghosting

Our Protagonist: so tell me

Our Protagonist: what do you think of me?

Our Protagonist: lol.

Ghost: i think you're a genuinely nice person who can hold a good and interesting conversation unlike many other people haha, you seem to have a lot of interests and you know what you want to do with your life and you're a driven and hardworking person and its definitely respectable

Ghost: i dont really know what im supposed to say

Ghost: i dont really remember what you said about me

Our Protagonist: hahah..

Our Protagonist: i said just about everything i thought of you

Our Protagonist: like everyyything

Our Protagonist: so you still owe me another two paragraphs punk

Ghost: i cant even remember it

Our Protagonist: lol ouch i see how it is

Ghost: well its ambien, not me lol

Ghost: i could see us being friends for a long time but i'm afraid you'll think that i'm "leading you on".  it's too late for me to be in a relationship because i'll be ~5 hours away in less than two months, i cant do long distance and if i "started" something with you then i feel like it would end up being a bad situation once i left, you know what i mean?

Ghost: thats just honestly how i feel about that situation, im sure thats part of what you wanted to know haha

Our Protagonist: haha i absolutely wanted to know that

Our Protagonist: i wouldn't do long distance either, but i'm kind of not thinking of the future

Ghost: yeah i feel like it would be irresponsible for me to start a serious relationship with anybody at this point

Our Protagonist: nottt if you know everything that it entailed i feel

Ghost: what do you mean

Our Protagonist: like, i know that you'd be leaving in two months and all, but I wouldn't think of it at all

Our Protagonist: i'd pretend that it would never happen

Our Protagonist: although i'd accept that it would

Ghost: and that would be a bad thing if you pretended that i wasnt going to leave haha

Our Protagonist: hahah, i know, but it's something i'd rather do than not do

Ghost: if you have attachment issues to someone you never dated, imagine if you did date them and then they left

Ghost: like i cant take serious relationships now, i could never promise that once i'm at college i wouldn't be with other people

Our Protagonist: yeah but that was like way back when when i was a super nerd

Our Protagonist: like the first girl i talked to who flirted with me lol

Our Protagonist: now it feels like i've got a good understanding for it

Our Protagonist: and i wouldn't expect a serious relationship from you if that's what your infering lol

Ghost: well that's a good thing haha

Our Protagonist: i'd just let whatever be whatever be

Our Protagonist: and when you go you go

Our Protagonist: if we ever did have something or whatever in these two months, i'd just be glad i had it lol

Our Protagonist: and hope that you enjoy college and do what you love

Our Protagonist: i wouldn't be destroyed or anything by it

Ghost: but if you did have something and it was more serious to you than it was to me and i went to college and decided to be with other people, do you think you'd get like crazy jelly?

Our Protagonist: nah.

Our Protagonist: i'd want you to run free and do what makes you happy

Our Protagonist: i'm weird like that i guess lol

Our Protagonist: like i want my ex to be happy and i was really happy for her when she got a new boyfriend

Ghost: i just got the impression that it would be a problem

Ghost: since you said you got jealous when another guy messaged me on okcupid lol

Our Protagonist: hahah

Our Protagonist: that's just a guy thing

Our Protagonist: or at least my guy thing

Ghost: i understand

Our Protagonist: do you!?

Ghost: yes i do

Our Protagonist: lol

Ghost: i'm a jelly person too

Ghost: i'm not one to get crazy though

Our Protagonist: yeah i would never act on it but i'd let whoever i was with know how i was feeling

Our Protagonist: i wouldn't yell at them! lol but i'd just you know let them know how things made me feel

Ghost: but what if you wanted to hang out with me within the next two months and i hooked up with someone else in those two months

Ghost: haha

Our Protagonist: haha well in that case i'm pretty sure i'd be done with you

Our Protagonist: is that weird?

Ghost: so then why would it be different once i went away?!

Our Protagonist: lol

Our Protagonist: hm

Our Protagonist: because!

Ghost: youre just making things upp

Our Protagonist: then i know i couldn't be with you

Our Protagonist: what!?

Our Protagonist: i'm totally not

Ghost: you'd be attached and you know it

Our Protagonist: haha

Our Protagonist: i'm not saying i wouldn't be, i'm just saying i know what's going to happen and i'm okay with it

Our Protagonist: i'm not one to cry over spilt milk

Our Protagonist: i want to f'n enjoy what i can while i can

Ghost: so i have to be faithful for two months in a "relationship" that wasn't going to last but once i got away to college i'm allowed to do what i want?

Our Protagonist: haha yeah pretty much in a very rough view

Our Protagonist: but only if you wanted to

Ghost: i dont see how thats fair haha

Our Protagonist: fair to who lol?

Ghost: to both of us?  idk

Ghost: that situation just seems weird

Our Protagonist: hahah..

Our Protagonist: so it is weird that i'm like that huh?

Our Protagonist: but it is fair, i mean as long as your okay with it

Our Protagonist: i know i will be

Ghost: i just think its weird that you're willing to do something for the two months while you can, even if i dont think its a good idea, but im not allowed to see anyone else until i go away to school

Our Protagonist: haha your making it sound like i'm making rules for you

Ghost: thats how it does sound!

Our Protagonist: hahah...

Our Protagonist: well i'm just saying i'd love to be with you.. weird to say that without really knowing what your like in person but whatever lol.. as long as you were faithful to me and if you ever hooked up with some other guy i'd just be done with it

Our Protagonist: it's more just of how i roll than rules you have to follow lol

Our Protagonist: silenceee..

Ghost: i can't guarantee that i wont, because there's other people ive talked to before i met you who want to meet me as well

Our Protagonist: lol alright than

Ghost: i'm just trying to be honest with you lol

Our Protagonist: good!

Our Protagonist: i don't want you to be otherwise lol

Ghost: i do like you, i just can't do something serious

Ghost: i have my own attachment issues anyway

Our Protagonist: is that something serious?

Our Protagonist: do you?

Ghost: i think someone requiring that you remain faithful to them is kind of serious

Ghost: and yeah i do

Ghost: like i said i get jelly

Our Protagonist: haha i guess it's what you make it

Our Protagonist: i don't think it matters what you call it, serious or not, as long as your cool with what your doing

Our Protagonist: but ahh i see, jelly sucks doesn't it? lol

Our Protagonist: but i don't think i could ever not like someone and be in a "serious" type deal i guess hm



She stopped typing. But I don't think I should have as well, so I'll continue here. Hmm. Is this really what I want? Having whatever I can with her before those 2 months? Yeah. It really is. I just want the experience. I want to know what it's like. To date. To know another girl.

Ghost: i know what you mean
Ghost: i just cant do serious right now
Our Protagonist:: lol do you? than how come you
Our Protagonist:: ah
Our Protagonist:: but like say if you did hook up with one of us ok cupid guys lol
Our Protagonist:: like one week
Our Protagonist:: and than started hanging out with another one of us
Our Protagonist:: would you hook up with them as well?

Ghost: i dont know

Ghost: it depends on how much i liked the other person

Ghost: if i was attached

Ghost: i dont know

Our Protagonist: haha alright i'm sorry i didn't mean to sweat your jeans

Ghost: haha i'm sorry

Ghost: i just really only thought about going with the flow of things

Our Protagonist: for what! you did nothing

Ghost: i just know for sure a serious thing isnt like going to happen

Ghost: i feel like its disappointing or whatever

Our Protagonist: just let it be! don't hold an expectation lol

Our Protagonist: hmm i'm still pretty sure i'd like to hang out with you though haha, just mention though if you do hook up with someone else if we do end up hanging out that is

Our Protagonist: just because i'd want something you call serious doesn't mean we could'nt have something else besides that

The conversation is still going on but I want to type. Hm, I'm starting to feel a little uneasy, like my base is misplaced. Probably because i have to deal with the fact now that I'll have to find someone else. I think this might be a huge pillar in my craziness. Having this huge goal set in my mind that I need to find someone and that when I don't take steps toward achieving this goal I get more crazy.

Ghost: yeah but youd be like mad if i did

Our Protagonist: I wouldn't!

Our Protagonist: i know that you could do it so i'm fine with it, i'd  stop liking you as much is all

Our Protagonist: doesn't mean we couldn't be friends doesnt it?

Our Protagonist: plus i want to know what the hell other girls are like rofl

Our Protagonist: and someone as awesome you would be a great place to start finding out

Our Protagonist: does it*

Ghost: i do want to be friends!

Ghost: i just feel like you would take it more serious than i do

Ghost: honestly thats just the impression ive gotten

Our Protagonist: hm

Our Protagonist: what if i did take more seriously?

Ghost: then i'd get nervous about it

Our Protagonist: lol

Our Protagonist: why so

Our Protagonist: that youd disappoint me?

Ghost: that i'd have to deal with someone who's gotten attached to me when i dont feel the same way

Our Protagonist: ahh i see

Our Protagonist: alright lol

Our Protagonist: hm interesting

I've lost what this means to me. I think I'm tired. I think I'm starting to not give a shit. I want to tell ghost that I'm going to go to sleep. I should. But I don't know. I don't want to leave at the same time.


Our Protagonist: i think i'ma sleep
Our Protagonist: tty tomorows?
Ghost: mkayy
Our Protagonist: nights
Ghost: goodnight

Forever after.