I'm happy first, sad second, happy third, sad fourth, happy fifth, sad sixth, happy seventh, sad eighth, happy ninth, sad tenth, happy eleventh, sad twelfth, happy thirteenth, sad fourteenth, happy fifteenth, sad sixteenth, happy seventeenth, sad eighteenth, happy nineteenth, sad twentieth. Will I ever stop this monotony?
Hm shit am I bipolar? Doubt it.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Meaning
I erase
a lack of meaning
To life to words
to all things breathing
but to a person
i've never met,
i give all things holy
More than a life's debt
they are
brazen idols
i barely more
than a set of vitals
Once i know you
i destroy you
I'll kill the things i love the most
Not with hand but in mind
Will I forever be so blind?
a lack of meaning
To life to words
to all things breathing
but to a person
i've never met,
i give all things holy
More than a life's debt
they are
brazen idols
i barely more
than a set of vitals
Once i know you
i destroy you
I'll kill the things i love the most
Not with hand but in mind
Will I forever be so blind?
Don't Doubt the Life we Can live
Saw a picture of Georgia. Hm I asked her if she wanted to go pick up some fast food with me the other day as a spur of the moment kind of thing, hah. Makes me feel kind of pathetic after seeing her at some huge concert. With a bunch of people. You can tell they were really having a good time by the pictures. Hm, I doubt I could ever live my life as happy as they were just in that one single night.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Fish
I hate how fucking dumb people can be and have so much more than I do.
I can literally speak to people seeing their every thought run through their head.
I break in between their words and find focus on their eyes.
The action of them looking at me is something of reflex.
Their eyes are like a fish's when gasping for breath out of water.
Blank.
They don't think.
They don't have any extra thought besides what's in front of them.
They just feel.
They act selfish.
They don't exist in mind, only in body.
I'm disgusted.
The fucking pain in my eyes are making it really hard to write out my thoughts.
I can literally speak to people seeing their every thought run through their head.
I break in between their words and find focus on their eyes.
The action of them looking at me is something of reflex.
Their eyes are like a fish's when gasping for breath out of water.
Blank.
They don't think.
They don't have any extra thought besides what's in front of them.
They just feel.
They act selfish.
They don't exist in mind, only in body.
I'm disgusted.
The fucking pain in my eyes are making it really hard to write out my thoughts.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sweat
It's hot as mother fucker today. My windows are fully open and the humidity from the rain makes everything i touch stick to my body. I need a fuckinggggg haircut.
I haven't spoken to Georgia in 2 days.. it'd probably be nice to speak to her but i don't know what to say to her since she read my message that i wanted to hang out.
I haven't spoken to Stars since last night about Say Anything, I wonder if i really cared about what we talked about.
I haven't spoken to Fearless since whenever and i don't give a shit, although I'd still like to be her friend if I knew I was helping her.
I haven't texted Princess in two weeks, I'm starting to think that the idea of her not liking me was in my head, she was pretty attractive last Monday.
I spoke to Africa last night in the hospital, she grew her out, she's a trusted friend but the way she cares so little about the people around her disgusts me. I realized I'm afraid to look at her in the eyes.
I spoke to Kryptonite two days ago, she's somehow turned into a bitch. I made her laugh hysterically, she made me think of the few days before I told her I liked her.
I haven't spoken to Georgia in 2 days.. it'd probably be nice to speak to her but i don't know what to say to her since she read my message that i wanted to hang out.
I haven't spoken to Stars since last night about Say Anything, I wonder if i really cared about what we talked about.
I haven't spoken to Fearless since whenever and i don't give a shit, although I'd still like to be her friend if I knew I was helping her.
I haven't texted Princess in two weeks, I'm starting to think that the idea of her not liking me was in my head, she was pretty attractive last Monday.
I spoke to Africa last night in the hospital, she grew her out, she's a trusted friend but the way she cares so little about the people around her disgusts me. I realized I'm afraid to look at her in the eyes.
I spoke to Kryptonite two days ago, she's somehow turned into a bitch. I made her laugh hysterically, she made me think of the few days before I told her I liked her.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Re-maybe
i should accept that i'm weird. and fucking embrace it. i say i don't care but i care but i can not care, but i can care, i feel like i'm the fucking earth in a constant polar shift of my unrelenting massive rotation.
THE FUCK CANT YOU FOCUS FOR?
THE FUCK CANT YOU FOCUS FOR?
Fuck!
Conotations conotations. everything is to fucking blame, to rip the skin of a blister and bash your shin into break. The fucking anticipation is murder. i'd rather be drowning. to expect to answer is to blame. to find a fucking belief in a wall that doesn't exist can certainly be obstructive no? god damned fuck. Can't you just follow the fucking lines? why can't you color within them. What are you blind or just stupid? or maybe you just can't fucking take it can you? being normal? understanding what many do. Well maybe i don't, maybe i should just fucking find a room and lock the door? maybe i should shun everyone i come across and focus myself on the things that would bring me what i need. maybe i should just board the doors and the walls and cut my self from light. maybe i should fucking maybe. why can't i control this? why can't i fucking control me? why do i fucking have to believe in fear.
Sweat
I'm f'n breaking down from the heat in my room. It's killing me. Not so much more than realizing my pitfalls. I can't stop thinking about how i never shut the fuck up. Yeah count that as another day of failure to thrive.
People "What's up?"
given with little meaning
spoken from lack of thought
consideration should not be accounted
Me "What's up?"
better have something good to say or they'll hate you
why are you talking to me, question your actions to being a creeper/weirdo
why don't you say anything, fucking weirdo
I wish I could burn the words that cause such pain.
People "What's up?"
given with little meaning
spoken from lack of thought
consideration should not be accounted
Me "What's up?"
better have something good to say or they'll hate you
why are you talking to me, question your actions to being a creeper/weirdo
why don't you say anything, fucking weirdo
I wish I could burn the words that cause such pain.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Clarity?
Despite the mistakes i've made in establishing awkward moments, I failed to find out how i came to such dispositions. I don't know what happened. My anxiety today seems to be very low. Yesterday, was another story, i felt like i broke something mentally, I guess I fixed myself.
So was it a thought? Or was it an event. Or was it the sequence of thoughts and events that finally led to me being where i want to?
What I Notice:
I stopped thinking as much as I did. I had a poor habit of speaking when i really i didn't want to. Conversations made sense... today.
So was it a thought? Or was it an event. Or was it the sequence of thoughts and events that finally led to me being where i want to?
What I Notice:
I stopped thinking as much as I did. I had a poor habit of speaking when i really i didn't want to. Conversations made sense... today.
To the Day who Blamed me Fine
stay if you wish. sleep at night. finding self with banter contemplating at a mistakes wish. This day holds many secrets. secrets that lie even to it. i fear the play of fire. but the fire holds all keys to doors i've missed. i think of the universe as i meet the repeated. but maybe it holds meaning. meaning to give purpose to the man who lives at nigh. who unfolds his skin to shine a light. a light that is not dim but he risks to often. he finds himself in this day and holds it with cherish. a day without time he lives to flourish. the scars in his chest knows its dusk, the dark lines of the crowds of musk. a path not forgotten he carves his way. to the best his heart will carry, he tries to make this day a little harder to bury.
title
do you hear the silence. as it grows? the life of a fallen man will forever know. but to be fallen means to have been higher at one point in state. with potential energy we are primed. to begin a spiral. life as i loved it once knew better times. all i wished was a love of mine. i got it and broke it like a balloon leaving hand. i did not cry as child, i do not cry as a man. i look at it's beauty as it wanders, the life we had, it was great to wonder. I starve as i think, but i think to starve. why do i not care for pain in midst?
Monday, April 25, 2011
Despite a Broken Word
I'm going to try to write how i feel in words or phrases or however the fuck i want it to be.
But first, daily life:
I've begun speaking to Stars through text's today and i think i managed to keep my horrible conversational skills to a minimum. I can't talk about what i want to. I also begun speaking to Georgia through text's as well.. she's a very.. quite-mid-kept-librarian type of girl. That's very uninteresting to me. When I saw her rather artsy photo on face book and saw that she was Australian i instantaneously thought quite the opposite, i was surprised and immediately attracted. She told me she just put the Australian thing for kicks, but she still has the photo thing going on.
Begin:
fucking broke. beating. yet still breathing. why is it so hard to find where i stand? to be effortless as the many provoke themselves to be. to be a miss with inhibitions and realization. to quell thought at it's home. ive been infected. deep. rationalization is all that i see, i feel i climbed a wrong tree. fucking rhymes bother me. to be where the others don't know is hard to become one of the equivalent. i take stabs at the life where i so greatly choose to be. i fail more times than i can count. or at least i feel like i do. but to evaluate is impossible, at least it seems. i cannot fixate. stand in the one spot destined to be. i' fucking crawl, on the floor of broken glass i bleed. is it pain? or am i blind to find all that is real to be nothing but just a fantasy. DO AS I SPEAK AND ALL WILL BE WELL.
But first, daily life:
I've begun speaking to Stars through text's today and i think i managed to keep my horrible conversational skills to a minimum. I can't talk about what i want to. I also begun speaking to Georgia through text's as well.. she's a very.. quite-mid-kept-librarian type of girl. That's very uninteresting to me. When I saw her rather artsy photo on face book and saw that she was Australian i instantaneously thought quite the opposite, i was surprised and immediately attracted. She told me she just put the Australian thing for kicks, but she still has the photo thing going on.
Begin:
fucking broke. beating. yet still breathing. why is it so hard to find where i stand? to be effortless as the many provoke themselves to be. to be a miss with inhibitions and realization. to quell thought at it's home. ive been infected. deep. rationalization is all that i see, i feel i climbed a wrong tree. fucking rhymes bother me. to be where the others don't know is hard to become one of the equivalent. i take stabs at the life where i so greatly choose to be. i fail more times than i can count. or at least i feel like i do. but to evaluate is impossible, at least it seems. i cannot fixate. stand in the one spot destined to be. i' fucking crawl, on the floor of broken glass i bleed. is it pain? or am i blind to find all that is real to be nothing but just a fantasy. DO AS I SPEAK AND ALL WILL BE WELL.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Repeat, Wash, Rinse - Rewind.
At the whims of a mind. We all cant see. We break our backs, I feel irritated. That I couldn't break habit. That i find myself to be quite rather. Hm. Let's be jaded shall we not? I wanted to go to psychologist a couple weeks ago. I still feel the need to see what they think. I like the idea of someone trying to help me than me destroying them. It's comforting. I found myself to be cruel. In just. Is it just a reflection of the joy i love to give? Maybe i shouldn't work on polar opposites. Maybe magnets aren't always meant to be attracted to one another.
I wrote these awhile ago:
explicit. shame. the fear of under accomplishment. the undermining hate to all opinnion that dares speak against being. i lay to rest as i contemplate.
remorse freedom to beunbound limitless with no sky. to befree is stated, to live free is unspoken.
I wrote these awhile ago:
explicit. shame. the fear of under accomplishment. the undermining hate to all opinnion that dares speak against being. i lay to rest as i contemplate.
remorse freedom to beunbound limitless with no sky. to befree is stated, to live free is unspoken.
In between the sky and every piece of the Earth
I've got a feeling of worth.
Tuesday, your awesome. Don't be hurt by me:
Stars should not
Fall in love
with the people who gaze at them.
As a star cannot
walk the earth,
A person cannot
live above the clouds.
To depend on
the intangible
is grim.
Even if a person decided to love a star,
despite what is in between the sky and every piece of the earth;
I'm afraid it is not enough to sate me.
This is not meant for pain,
it is meant for understanding.
I will be there for you if you want me to be,
but I cannot be the star you need.
As humans,
We will love the trees that make our homes and the animals that live among us.
We will make do with the fruit of our local harvest, and find appreciation by our tongues as we eat.
We will speak and tell stories to those who will hear our beautiful voices from true ear
And those who are close will give us something we cannot give one another.
We can choose to believe that a star cannot walk the earth as we can choose to believe that a person cannot live above the clouds. If we did, however, that would mean we believe in the future.
Tuesday, your awesome. Don't be hurt by me:
Stars should not
Fall in love
with the people who gaze at them.
As a star cannot
walk the earth,
A person cannot
live above the clouds.
To depend on
the intangible
is grim.
Even if a person decided to love a star,
despite what is in between the sky and every piece of the earth;
I'm afraid it is not enough to sate me.
This is not meant for pain,
it is meant for understanding.
I will be there for you if you want me to be,
but I cannot be the star you need.
As humans,
We will love the trees that make our homes and the animals that live among us.
We will make do with the fruit of our local harvest, and find appreciation by our tongues as we eat.
We will speak and tell stories to those who will hear our beautiful voices from true ear
And those who are close will give us something we cannot give one another.
We can choose to believe that a star cannot walk the earth as we can choose to believe that a person cannot live above the clouds. If we did, however, that would mean we believe in the future.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Fear Me.
I live from regrets. I jump off cliffs believing I have wings. My mind is a public domain. Don't be hurt by it if you grab it's walls. They may be sharp.
Keep in mind, somethings are not meant to be known. The mind changes at the drop of a hat. But if your curious, continue.
To scare away those who I've just, never, met:
despite
how
you think
and
despite
what
the world feels
I will
for some reason
never know
how
you all
think
I break
from
the
path
I think
I've fallen
(as far as e-love goes)
I am strange.
weird.
I am the empty
room after a party.
the worst
I've been
called:
ugly
loser
After-
Reading-
That-
do you
feel the wind
in my hair
as i plummet?
I care not
for the wings
I know not
the pain of
this fall
With my heart
I will forever
stand Tall
Keep in mind, somethings are not meant to be known. The mind changes at the drop of a hat. But if your curious, continue.
To scare away those who I've just, never, met:
despite
how
you think
and
despite
what
the world feels
I will
for some reason
never know
how
you all
think
I break
from
the
path
I think
I've fallen
(as far as e-love goes)
I am strange.
weird.
I am the empty
room after a party.
the worst
I've been
called:
ugly
loser
After-
Reading-
That-
do you
feel the wind
in my hair
as i plummet?
I care not
for the wings
I know not
the pain of
this fall
With my heart
I will forever
stand Tall
Key Points
Do what you feel.
Don't expect things from people.
Feel what you feel
Reflect in their shoes.
Follow your heart.
Know whats right.
Do what's right.
Don't over contemplate.
Don't forget the present.
Don't believe in the future
Know what should'nt be feared
Fear what is meant to be feared
and Believe in cold water.
Don't expect things from people.
Feel what you feel
Reflect in their shoes.
Follow your heart.
Know whats right.
Do what's right.
Don't over contemplate.
Don't forget the present.
Don't believe in the future
Know what should'nt be feared
Fear what is meant to be feared
and Believe in cold water.
Fucking Functionality.
I just realized i've been fucking running my mind so crazy and been able to think so much about whatever because i wasn't really giving a shit about anything i was doing. I saw most my actions to be pointless. Now with direction, I find my mind coming to a wall where i cannot think past where i want it to.
Fearless's Indication:
Our protagonist: Hey what's up
Fearless: Babysitting you
Our protagonist: Debating nap vs walking my dog lol
3-5 mins past
Our protagonist: Baby sitting my distant family again creep?
Fearless: Yup
Our protagonist: Hm can I ask you something?
Fearless: What
Our protagonist: I don't remember what your answer was when I asked you a week ago if you have social anxiety.. Do you? Have it that is
Fearless: Idk i don't remember you ever asking
Our protagonist: Lol I did well do you?
Fearless: Idk
Our protagonist: Oo.. How come if you don't care me to ask?
Fearless: Why does it matter if I have it or not and how am I supposed to know anyway
Our protagonist: It doesn't matter at all if you have it or not, I was just curious to see if I could help you or idk.. you help me because I think I do. And it should be easy to tell
10-20 minutes later
Our protagonist: ...why don't you ever answer back sometimes? I mean there.. I'm sorry if i annoyed you I didn't intend to.
Fearless: Cus theres nothing to say
Our protagonist: Hm I guess there isn't. But I wanted to know if you thought you had it, could have at least answered my question. Kinda is offensive when you don't respond. It makes me think you find it irritating talking to me.
Fearless: I said I don't know cus I honestly don't know and I dont answer back half the time cause i'm busy
Our protagonist: Lol well you could just say you are busy or whatever your doing.. Like I seriously thought you hate me
Our protagonist: Err not hated but more found me to be irritating
Fearless: I dont
Our protagonist: Good to know. So fn txt back jerk and not to mention it's rediculously hard to have a conversation with you that you'd want to have without knowing your opinion on what i said
Fearless: What are you talking about
Our protagonist: Likee half the time I say anything about anything you don't ever say What you think so I take it you don't want to talk about anything I do
Fearless: Cus I dont like to talk about anything. What do you wanna know
Our protagonist: Well why don't you like to talk about anything? And I do'nt mean this in an offensive way.. But what are you inhuman!?
Fearless: I dont talk cus you keep asking so many questions
Our protagonist: Ah.. shit. well i'm sorry. I really don't mean to be like that. I'm still trying to figure out how to talk to people
-end conversation-
My greatest problem: Extending my efforts without knowing the finish line was about 3 miles back. I need to know when to shut the fuck up.
15 minutes past
-start conversation-
Fearless: You Shouldn't figure it out. How you do it is how you do it
Our protagonist: Yeah well if how i do it annoys people than i'm pretty sure i'm shit out of luck
..bitch haha
Fearless's Indication:
Our protagonist: Hey what's up
Fearless: Babysitting you
Our protagonist: Debating nap vs walking my dog lol
3-5 mins past
Our protagonist: Baby sitting my distant family again creep?
Fearless: Yup
Our protagonist: Hm can I ask you something?
Fearless: What
Our protagonist: I don't remember what your answer was when I asked you a week ago if you have social anxiety.. Do you? Have it that is
Fearless: Idk i don't remember you ever asking
Our protagonist: Lol I did well do you?
Fearless: Idk
Our protagonist: Oo.. How come if you don't care me to ask?
Fearless: Why does it matter if I have it or not and how am I supposed to know anyway
Our protagonist: It doesn't matter at all if you have it or not, I was just curious to see if I could help you or idk.. you help me because I think I do. And it should be easy to tell
10-20 minutes later
Our protagonist: ...why don't you ever answer back sometimes? I mean there.. I'm sorry if i annoyed you I didn't intend to.
Fearless: Cus theres nothing to say
Our protagonist: Hm I guess there isn't. But I wanted to know if you thought you had it, could have at least answered my question. Kinda is offensive when you don't respond. It makes me think you find it irritating talking to me.
Fearless: I said I don't know cus I honestly don't know and I dont answer back half the time cause i'm busy
Our protagonist: Lol well you could just say you are busy or whatever your doing.. Like I seriously thought you hate me
Our protagonist: Err not hated but more found me to be irritating
Fearless: I dont
Our protagonist: Good to know. So fn txt back jerk and not to mention it's rediculously hard to have a conversation with you that you'd want to have without knowing your opinion on what i said
Fearless: What are you talking about
Our protagonist: Likee half the time I say anything about anything you don't ever say What you think so I take it you don't want to talk about anything I do
Fearless: Cus I dont like to talk about anything. What do you wanna know
Our protagonist: Well why don't you like to talk about anything? And I do'nt mean this in an offensive way.. But what are you inhuman!?
Fearless: I dont talk cus you keep asking so many questions
Our protagonist: Ah.. shit. well i'm sorry. I really don't mean to be like that. I'm still trying to figure out how to talk to people
-end conversation-
My greatest problem: Extending my efforts without knowing the finish line was about 3 miles back. I need to know when to shut the fuck up.
15 minutes past
-start conversation-
Fearless: You Shouldn't figure it out. How you do it is how you do it
Our protagonist: Yeah well if how i do it annoys people than i'm pretty sure i'm shit out of luck
..bitch haha
Friday, April 22, 2011
Have You Ever Wondered What the Human Thought Process Is?
I questioned why I had balls of steel today:
I gave a girl, Georgia, my number with the message "Hey Georgia! It's Our Protagonist from math, i wanted to know if you wanted to hang out sometime! -(555)555-555 Add me on facebook! Our Protagonist." It took me what seemed like years to write that under the fucking pressure of the lady who I was leaving the note to at her work. I plan to stop by Monday when she's back.
I met a girl Stars, and got her number. I was studying with Endgame in the Library and she was sitting with her friend. Me and Endgame attend night classes for nursing and she and her friend were days. I walked over to them and asked them how they were doing and talked about recent events in class and discussed how the test was going to be rediculous. When the library closed, Stars was mentioning drinking after the test, and i said "I'd totally join you guys if i didn't have the test the day after you.", She than said she's drinking tuesday too. I said Really? - After a moment I spoke: "Hey give me your number." She looked like a deer in headlights. "Me?" "Yeah, what's your name again?" under her breath "Stars." I plugged it into my phone and the anxiety coursed through my veins but I profoundly kept my head above the water. "Awesome. Cya guys" End-game told me her friend made a face of awe when I asked her. She wanted me to ask her I figure.
I spent 15 minutes of pure focus breaking my brain to find this out. How the human thought process works and my key for talking to women:
I gave a girl, Georgia, my number with the message "Hey Georgia! It's Our Protagonist from math, i wanted to know if you wanted to hang out sometime! -(555)555-555 Add me on facebook! Our Protagonist." It took me what seemed like years to write that under the fucking pressure of the lady who I was leaving the note to at her work. I plan to stop by Monday when she's back.
I met a girl Stars, and got her number. I was studying with Endgame in the Library and she was sitting with her friend. Me and Endgame attend night classes for nursing and she and her friend were days. I walked over to them and asked them how they were doing and talked about recent events in class and discussed how the test was going to be rediculous. When the library closed, Stars was mentioning drinking after the test, and i said "I'd totally join you guys if i didn't have the test the day after you.", She than said she's drinking tuesday too. I said Really? - After a moment I spoke: "Hey give me your number." She looked like a deer in headlights. "Me?" "Yeah, what's your name again?" under her breath "Stars." I plugged it into my phone and the anxiety coursed through my veins but I profoundly kept my head above the water. "Awesome. Cya guys" End-game told me her friend made a face of awe when I asked her. She wanted me to ask her I figure.
I spent 15 minutes of pure focus breaking my brain to find this out. How the human thought process works and my key for talking to women:
I talk to women and ask their numbers because I don’t care about rejection because I don’t care what they think of who I am because I don’t want to talk to somebody who doesn’t like me for who I am because I love who I am because to love oneself...
is nature.
is nature.
Drugs + Enlightment = A Path to Eternal Peace.
I'll finish writing about Africa's conversation after this post. Let's hope i stay on track.
I want to make a manifesto to attaining attractive approaches.
Foundations Of happiness:
- Be yourself. Don't give a fuck about anyone else.
Here's what most of us were missing: Don't give a fuck about anyone else because everyone will love and hate you for who you are--Obviously it's easy to say and to repeat and I know it's somewhat cliche, and that it's very doubtful. But guess what? Theres only one way to find out if it's right or wrong. After having tested it myself. I find it to be just what I was looking for. Don't be concerned with how to defend yourself when accused to be weird. In a world of a million minds, there are more who love you than hate you. If you want to defend yourself, just say: Wow your a dick, I like it and if you don't i don't really give a shit.
Don't let words take hold of you. It may be hard if you don't have that many friends or people to lean on, but never stop being yourself. It's the only way to find love - from yourself and others.
- Destroy your fears.
I'm not sure if there will always be fear. But obviously there's only one way to conquer it. Facing it and understanding what it is. If it's at risk to bring you to depression, or just to risky for what ever reason: level the playing field. This is not an easy task, and it is absolutely a tedious process. So for example: I'm completely afraid to talk to beautiful women. (Being who you are, and having people accept you is rewarding it should fuel you up here.) So how do i level the playing field?
Analyze:
What are the objectives?
What is the ultimate Goal?
How can we accomplish these objectives?
Goal: Have a cute girl of my choosing enamored with me (I just realized that isn't enough for me anymore, my true goal is to have someone who is really fun to be around and the attraction is a bonus if we ever start a relationship or feel like messing around.)
Objective(s): Become Rico fucking Suave. Know how to speak like a fiend and make everyone feel good. Once she feels good she will come to me.
Process: Realize that a cute girl, is just a human being. It's one thing to say a cute girl is a human being, but it is another to BELIEVE she is just a human being. A cute girl is no better than an ugly betty. They are identical. They are not unique. They are unique in tastes and kindness. But why would you ever talk to someone who wasn't kind? A great way to BELIEVE that she is just a human being is to talk to everyone and anyone. Ugly bettys, Grandpas, Grandmas, Parents, Clerks, Deli workers, police men, fire man, anyone that causes me to have anxiety.BELIEVE A CUTE GIRL NEEDS MORE TO BE THAN JUST CUTE FOR YOU TO GIVE YOUR SOUL!
Eh i feel like i'm going a bit astray. Ah well! i will finish putting up rest of Africa's conversation with me. I can barely f'n think because i have this massive cramp in my thigh that wont go away.
I want to make a manifesto to attaining attractive approaches.
Foundations Of happiness:
- Be yourself. Don't give a fuck about anyone else.
Here's what most of us were missing: Don't give a fuck about anyone else because everyone will love and hate you for who you are--Obviously it's easy to say and to repeat and I know it's somewhat cliche, and that it's very doubtful. But guess what? Theres only one way to find out if it's right or wrong. After having tested it myself. I find it to be just what I was looking for. Don't be concerned with how to defend yourself when accused to be weird. In a world of a million minds, there are more who love you than hate you. If you want to defend yourself, just say: Wow your a dick, I like it and if you don't i don't really give a shit.
Don't let words take hold of you. It may be hard if you don't have that many friends or people to lean on, but never stop being yourself. It's the only way to find love - from yourself and others.
- Destroy your fears.
I'm not sure if there will always be fear. But obviously there's only one way to conquer it. Facing it and understanding what it is. If it's at risk to bring you to depression, or just to risky for what ever reason: level the playing field. This is not an easy task, and it is absolutely a tedious process. So for example: I'm completely afraid to talk to beautiful women. (Being who you are, and having people accept you is rewarding it should fuel you up here.) So how do i level the playing field?
Analyze:
What are the objectives?
What is the ultimate Goal?
How can we accomplish these objectives?
Goal: Have a cute girl of my choosing enamored with me (I just realized that isn't enough for me anymore, my true goal is to have someone who is really fun to be around and the attraction is a bonus if we ever start a relationship or feel like messing around.)
Objective(s): Become Rico fucking Suave. Know how to speak like a fiend and make everyone feel good. Once she feels good she will come to me.
Process: Realize that a cute girl, is just a human being. It's one thing to say a cute girl is a human being, but it is another to BELIEVE she is just a human being. A cute girl is no better than an ugly betty. They are identical. They are not unique. They are unique in tastes and kindness. But why would you ever talk to someone who wasn't kind? A great way to BELIEVE that she is just a human being is to talk to everyone and anyone. Ugly bettys, Grandpas, Grandmas, Parents, Clerks, Deli workers, police men, fire man, anyone that causes me to have anxiety.BELIEVE A CUTE GIRL NEEDS MORE TO BE THAN JUST CUTE FOR YOU TO GIVE YOUR SOUL!
Eh i feel like i'm going a bit astray. Ah well! i will finish putting up rest of Africa's conversation with me. I can barely f'n think because i have this massive cramp in my thigh that wont go away.
Be yourself. Fucking rediculously cliche.
Africa: u? (doing over the summer)
Our protagonist: idk find myself
Africa: Lol you don't know me very well i guess haha and finding yourself is a good thing
Our protagonist: If it can be done!
Africa: it can be
Africa: but its a life long journey. you will never be done finding yourself. there is a new documentary out called I Am. it's all about finding yourself. check it out.
Our protagonist: lol i'm good
Our protagonist: if iget bad enough i probably will
Our protagonist: i really appreciate you mentioning it though
Africa: bad enough?
Our protagonist: lol do you dare want to go there?
Africa: yeah what's going on?
Our protagonist: Surprised you care lol I..
Will finish writing when i get home. i'm at college now, and well i've reached a certain enlightment thanks to Africa. I will do anything she asks of me that equates to my reciprocated appreciation. That appreciation is as vast as my freshly opened eyes can see.
Our protagonist: Surprised you care lol I don't mean that in an asshole kidnd of way. But i'm just real confused about everything like what i really want in life. Like the whole needing to find someone has fucked up my life completely. Like if i'm not trying to find someone or attempting to learn how to talk to people i'm in this weird crazy panic state that makes me like have mood swings and puts me under a ridiculous amount of stress. That's why my memory is so shit and why i got diagnosed with ADD.. I'm just like fuckinnn screwed up from this that it mentally makes me dissassociated from whats going on around me.
Our protagonist: So by finding myself i mean to find out why i want someone and why i care so much and why i don't want to do things i used to
Africa: Do you write or keep a journal at all? (bwahah)
Our protagonist: Andddd the need for wanting to find someone also makes it rediculously fucking hard to make friends and being as alone as I am makes me go nuts! lol...
Our protagonist: And yeah I do
Africa: Yeah I can relate to what your feeling... being alone can be difficult and overwhelming. What are you doing to figure out why you feel the way you do?
Our protagonist: Hah nothing. I can't figure it out because my mind is so stressed out I cant focus on it and like logically break it down.. Which is kind of part to why I wanted to buy some bud from you so I can chill the f out and stop thinking
Africa: But that isnt gonna help you in the long run I havent seen my aunt at all recently either
Our protagonist: Yeah i know but there isnt much i can do.. it's like either work my brain like I am making me depressed and batshit crazy or I could stop thinking about it and just try to breathe
Africa: yeah.. You should try to stop thinking about it and focus on things that make you happy. Like playing guitar and stuff
Our protagonist: There isn't much that makes me happy besides people.. The whole me not having friends thing and need to find someone kinda fucks up my maslows hierarchy.. And I think love and belonging beats guitar and masturbating haha jk
Africa: Hahah! but you do have friends. And once your happy being alone they say people will come into your life easily
Our protagonist: I don't have friends! I have like 1 and a half friends who actually know me know me and they don't understand me for shit. I only have subtle acquaintansces that if they really knew me would be weirded out or put off.
Africa: Well what do you do to meet people that are like you? Going out and doing thigns you enjoy will bring you close with people like you.
Our protagonist: I completely agree! Butt.. Social anxiety stops me there.. classes are my only escape to making friends and even when I do meet people there.. I can never txt them outside of class ya know?
Africa: Yeah you gotta figure out your anxiety and realize there is no reason to be anxious about meeting people and making friends.
Our protagonist: Oh but there is. Lol
Africa: No.. You know why? Because if people judge you or don't like something about you then they don't need to be in your life. You will make true friends when you are your true self. And there is no reason to be anxious because of that.
Our protagonist: :] that's a really comforting thought. Where I fuck up is that i'm in such a need for people to be in my life the anxiety makes me act like someone i'm not. And after having gone through a slew of rejection with girls.. Lol.. It kinda makes the world tell me that i'm not good enough or unwanted
Africa: Yeah I can understand that but you may not be getting a girl because your not really being yourself. Its not that your not good enough. But you don't know exactly who you are or what you want. So how are you going to find a good match for you
Our protagonist: You're completely right, i'm not going to. Which is why I've started o think a rebound may be in order.. Haha well at least that's what Endgame tells me. But you're never really "youreself" when you talk to someone you like because you turn into a bumbling idiot after being so enamored with their presence.. Are you?
Africa: Yeah that's how I always was.. But now i'm just trying to be exactly myself around everybody. Whether I see them as a friend or more then that. And I feel so much better doing that and the people I spend my time around seem to open up more as well.
Our protagonist: Hmm that's really interesting I have to try that but how will they ever know you like them though? Like if i were to be myself and like somebody, I'd come on wayyyy to strong.. And instead of someone telling me i'im creepy in a couple days, it'd be instantly haha.. But idk I think I have to play that idea.. I'm going to try it out a bit
Africa: You get to know someone as a friend before you decide whteher or not you would be with them. So nothing is creepy. And if something more comes from the situation it's just a bonus. Cause either way you will end up with a friend That knows and likes you for you
Our protagonist: I really really like that idea. Gah that makes sense to everything i've been doing wrong
Africa: Good i'm glad! I hope it works for you as well as it has for me
Our protagonist: If your truly happy with the way things are i'm sure I will be too lol
Africa: Haha sometiems it's hard to see a better way to do something without someone showing you how
Our protagonist: Lol but I hate getting help... Ahwell forever ty. I am in your debt.
Africa: But sometimes you need it. And your welcome. Anytime.
Our protagonist: If you ever need anything let me know, I will do my best not to fuck up.. I promise! lol..
Africa: Haha thanks
Our protagonist: idk find myself
Africa: Lol you don't know me very well i guess haha and finding yourself is a good thing
Our protagonist: If it can be done!
Africa: it can be
Africa: but its a life long journey. you will never be done finding yourself. there is a new documentary out called I Am. it's all about finding yourself. check it out.
Our protagonist: lol i'm good
Our protagonist: if iget bad enough i probably will
Our protagonist: i really appreciate you mentioning it though
Africa: bad enough?
Our protagonist: lol do you dare want to go there?
Africa: yeah what's going on?
Our protagonist: Surprised you care lol I..
Will finish writing when i get home. i'm at college now, and well i've reached a certain enlightment thanks to Africa. I will do anything she asks of me that equates to my reciprocated appreciation. That appreciation is as vast as my freshly opened eyes can see.
Our protagonist: Surprised you care lol I don't mean that in an asshole kidnd of way. But i'm just real confused about everything like what i really want in life. Like the whole needing to find someone has fucked up my life completely. Like if i'm not trying to find someone or attempting to learn how to talk to people i'm in this weird crazy panic state that makes me like have mood swings and puts me under a ridiculous amount of stress. That's why my memory is so shit and why i got diagnosed with ADD.. I'm just like fuckinnn screwed up from this that it mentally makes me dissassociated from whats going on around me.
Our protagonist: So by finding myself i mean to find out why i want someone and why i care so much and why i don't want to do things i used to
Africa: Do you write or keep a journal at all? (bwahah)
Our protagonist: Andddd the need for wanting to find someone also makes it rediculously fucking hard to make friends and being as alone as I am makes me go nuts! lol...
Our protagonist: And yeah I do
Africa: Yeah I can relate to what your feeling... being alone can be difficult and overwhelming. What are you doing to figure out why you feel the way you do?
Our protagonist: Hah nothing. I can't figure it out because my mind is so stressed out I cant focus on it and like logically break it down.. Which is kind of part to why I wanted to buy some bud from you so I can chill the f out and stop thinking
Africa: But that isnt gonna help you in the long run I havent seen my aunt at all recently either
Our protagonist: Yeah i know but there isnt much i can do.. it's like either work my brain like I am making me depressed and batshit crazy or I could stop thinking about it and just try to breathe
Africa: yeah.. You should try to stop thinking about it and focus on things that make you happy. Like playing guitar and stuff
Our protagonist: There isn't much that makes me happy besides people.. The whole me not having friends thing and need to find someone kinda fucks up my maslows hierarchy.. And I think love and belonging beats guitar and masturbating haha jk
Africa: Hahah! but you do have friends. And once your happy being alone they say people will come into your life easily
Our protagonist: I don't have friends! I have like 1 and a half friends who actually know me know me and they don't understand me for shit. I only have subtle acquaintansces that if they really knew me would be weirded out or put off.
Africa: Well what do you do to meet people that are like you? Going out and doing thigns you enjoy will bring you close with people like you.
Our protagonist: I completely agree! Butt.. Social anxiety stops me there.. classes are my only escape to making friends and even when I do meet people there.. I can never txt them outside of class ya know?
Africa: Yeah you gotta figure out your anxiety and realize there is no reason to be anxious about meeting people and making friends.
Our protagonist: Oh but there is. Lol
Africa: No.. You know why? Because if people judge you or don't like something about you then they don't need to be in your life. You will make true friends when you are your true self. And there is no reason to be anxious because of that.
Our protagonist: :] that's a really comforting thought. Where I fuck up is that i'm in such a need for people to be in my life the anxiety makes me act like someone i'm not. And after having gone through a slew of rejection with girls.. Lol.. It kinda makes the world tell me that i'm not good enough or unwanted
Africa: Yeah I can understand that but you may not be getting a girl because your not really being yourself. Its not that your not good enough. But you don't know exactly who you are or what you want. So how are you going to find a good match for you
Our protagonist: You're completely right, i'm not going to. Which is why I've started o think a rebound may be in order.. Haha well at least that's what Endgame tells me. But you're never really "youreself" when you talk to someone you like because you turn into a bumbling idiot after being so enamored with their presence.. Are you?
Africa: Yeah that's how I always was.. But now i'm just trying to be exactly myself around everybody. Whether I see them as a friend or more then that. And I feel so much better doing that and the people I spend my time around seem to open up more as well.
Our protagonist: Hmm that's really interesting I have to try that but how will they ever know you like them though? Like if i were to be myself and like somebody, I'd come on wayyyy to strong.. And instead of someone telling me i'im creepy in a couple days, it'd be instantly haha.. But idk I think I have to play that idea.. I'm going to try it out a bit
Africa: You get to know someone as a friend before you decide whteher or not you would be with them. So nothing is creepy. And if something more comes from the situation it's just a bonus. Cause either way you will end up with a friend That knows and likes you for you
Our protagonist: I really really like that idea. Gah that makes sense to everything i've been doing wrong
Africa: Good i'm glad! I hope it works for you as well as it has for me
Our protagonist: If your truly happy with the way things are i'm sure I will be too lol
Africa: Haha sometiems it's hard to see a better way to do something without someone showing you how
Our protagonist: Lol but I hate getting help... Ahwell forever ty. I am in your debt.
Africa: But sometimes you need it. And your welcome. Anytime.
Our protagonist: If you ever need anything let me know, I will do my best not to fuck up.. I promise! lol..
Africa: Haha thanks
Starving
I've been up for 2 hours now, and I'm hungry as a motherfucker. I can't get over thinking about Fearless; that answers my previous question about being obsessed. Also I don't want to start my day without doing something it feels. I have to study my ass off for a huge exam that will make or break half the class. My hair looks like shit and is flaky ahh i need some f'n head and shoulders. Write write write write write
Fucking bramble!
So you going to text Fearless today?
I want to.
What are you going to say?
You never game me a nickname!
How do you think that's going to blow over?
Well, she'd probably respond, "oh yeah... hm"
Do you think that she really cares about what you have to say?
Not really.. but than again she seems like she's very emotionless.
You're, we're, hungry. lets fucking get some cereal or something.
Fucking bramble!
So you going to text Fearless today?
I want to.
What are you going to say?
You never game me a nickname!
How do you think that's going to blow over?
Well, she'd probably respond, "oh yeah... hm"
Do you think that she really cares about what you have to say?
Not really.. but than again she seems like she's very emotionless.
You're, we're, hungry. lets fucking get some cereal or something.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Right Rite Write.
Mind Dump: First let me say, I wonder if I'm becoming obsessive.
I can't get over why Fearless won't text me back. It's very confusing. Well not so much confusing as it is irritating. although i did leave it at (do you like me) "maybe." And she said she didn't want to hang out with me if I did.
I want to fucking figure her out. But if i pursued that idea I think I'd be crossing the line of liking her.
We don't get along in person.
I wish i didn't get rid of all the texts we had, it's uh.. hard to re-evaluate yourself without a transcript. The last thing I can remember us talking about was...
Our Protagonist: Hey whats up?
Fearless: nothing
Our Protagonist: Impossible you have to be doing something
Fearless: nothing!!!
Our Protagonist: lol well want to do something tomorrow?
Fearless: Can't I have class
Our Protagonist: Bummer ah k
Our Protagonist: Didn't know class was 24 hours long
Fearless: Well I have to babysit, drive friend to school, shower, get ready, homework, and class, I didn't know interrogations were 24 hours long!!?
Our Protagonist: blank-blank-blank. lol sorry! i didn't mean to go all Jack Bauer on you
Fearless: idk who that is
Our Protagonist: Lol he's that guy from that show 24...
Our Protagonist: I think he interrogates people I never really watched it
-end conversation-
It's brutal talking to her. I feel like I'm playing Russian roulette or something. Not to mention she's shit for talking about her life. I want to fucking get to know you, so let me? - is that statement one of friendship or attraction?
Role reversals:
If fearless was as Jobro:
I would not ask him about his life.
I would feel that I would be intrusive, which is rather annoying...
I would talk about things that would make us laugh, or that is generally interesting.
I'm tired. Fuck you Fearless. You're a shit friend if you're trying to be.
I can't get over why Fearless won't text me back. It's very confusing. Well not so much confusing as it is irritating. although i did leave it at (do you like me) "maybe." And she said she didn't want to hang out with me if I did.
I want to fucking figure her out. But if i pursued that idea I think I'd be crossing the line of liking her.
We don't get along in person.
I wish i didn't get rid of all the texts we had, it's uh.. hard to re-evaluate yourself without a transcript. The last thing I can remember us talking about was...
Our Protagonist: Hey whats up?
Fearless: nothing
Our Protagonist: Impossible you have to be doing something
Fearless: nothing!!!
Our Protagonist: lol well want to do something tomorrow?
Fearless: Can't I have class
Our Protagonist: Bummer ah k
Our Protagonist: Didn't know class was 24 hours long
Fearless: Well I have to babysit, drive friend to school, shower, get ready, homework, and class, I didn't know interrogations were 24 hours long!!?
Our Protagonist: blank-blank-blank. lol sorry! i didn't mean to go all Jack Bauer on you
Fearless: idk who that is
Our Protagonist: Lol he's that guy from that show 24...
Our Protagonist: I think he interrogates people I never really watched it
-end conversation-
It's brutal talking to her. I feel like I'm playing Russian roulette or something. Not to mention she's shit for talking about her life. I want to fucking get to know you, so let me? - is that statement one of friendship or attraction?
Role reversals:
If fearless was as Jobro:
I would not ask him about his life.
I would feel that I would be intrusive, which is rather annoying...
I would talk about things that would make us laugh, or that is generally interesting.
I'm tired. Fuck you Fearless. You're a shit friend if you're trying to be.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Study of the way we are.
Watching a movie, they speak very matter of fact. I am delving into the world of attraction. It's hard to find. I think i should go into barnes and noble and pick up a book on it..
I need to finish my freakonomics first.
My cousin, Bp, invited me out to go drinking with him and his friends. Needless to say I'm fucking scared to go. I will, however, go. I'm not going to let my fear control me. It's probably going to be awkward and there's a good chance I'll be weird. I just hope i get along well and don't embarrass my cousin for letting me come. For some reason most the time I don't get along with Asian kids that well. I forgot to mention, Bp used to be the president of an Asian fraternity. Well this should be interesting. I will learn. Learn well.
it'll be sure to be up here the moment I'm sober, and not a fucking retard. Err that came out a little erratic, I will be sure to post up here as soon as i get home, sober and in debt.
I need to finish my freakonomics first.
My cousin, Bp, invited me out to go drinking with him and his friends. Needless to say I'm fucking scared to go. I will, however, go. I'm not going to let my fear control me. It's probably going to be awkward and there's a good chance I'll be weird. I just hope i get along well and don't embarrass my cousin for letting me come. For some reason most the time I don't get along with Asian kids that well. I forgot to mention, Bp used to be the president of an Asian fraternity. Well this should be interesting. I will learn. Learn well.
it'll be sure to be up here the moment I'm sober, and not a fucking retard. Err that came out a little erratic, I will be sure to post up here as soon as i get home, sober and in debt.
Just wrote this in good ol blackie
Why worry about the infinite possibilities my actions can take. If I focus on doing the right thing and knowing what the right things are, I don't need to worry what comes my way. I'll always know I'll do the right thing, and doing the right thing is all that matters.
Learning How to Say: Fuck You.
It feels great! I wanted to do so for so long. I started to see in myself that I always did what others want in hopes that they'd give back. But recently i just said fuck it. Or more appropriately fuck you and what makes you happy. I'd leave hangs in conversations i don't like and don't say anything with i have nothing to say at all..
Eh that's really shitty way of explaining it all but whatever i'm feeling good.
Fearless is annoying as fuck to talk to and I don't know if i can be friends with her. But i'm probabbly wayyy to quick to judge. But every time i talk to her she just never responds.. Whatever. I wanted to thank her for talking to me about social anxiety but i feel like she wouldn't give two shits about it. But i think thats good, because i'm still losing my feelings for her. And if anyone should know, i should know it best; losing feelings is a long complicated and fucked up process.
Eh that's really shitty way of explaining it all but whatever i'm feeling good.
Fearless is annoying as fuck to talk to and I don't know if i can be friends with her. But i'm probabbly wayyy to quick to judge. But every time i talk to her she just never responds.. Whatever. I wanted to thank her for talking to me about social anxiety but i feel like she wouldn't give two shits about it. But i think thats good, because i'm still losing my feelings for her. And if anyone should know, i should know it best; losing feelings is a long complicated and fucked up process.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
What I Need To Do.
1. Learn how to be happy on my own.
2. Learn to be myself no matter what crosses me.
3. Over come fear.
4. Figure out why I can't feel empathy
5. Think straight
6. Stay focused
7. Realize the importance of School
8. Realize the importance of independence
2. Learn to be myself no matter what crosses me.
3. Over come fear.
4. Figure out why I can't feel empathy
5. Think straight
6. Stay focused
7. Realize the importance of School
8. Realize the importance of independence
As the Gears of the Universe Turn Forevermore
I blaze through a hundred different ideas through the day and feel upset that i can't remember them when i come to write here.
I like Fearless.
I forgot the meaning of the word LIKE and just realized that now. When you LOVE someone, it's when you know for sure that its "serious." I'm afraid if i dissect the meaning of "serious" ill lose the feeling.
Anyway. I like Fearless. I think she might know that. I know she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. But I want to hangout with her, because I feel like I need a friend.
Do I need a friend? Maybe, but the way I treat her is NOT like a friend.
I think my feeling of needing someone is so strong.. I cannot tell whether or not I need friends.
UNFELT-LOGICAL RATIONALIZATION:
I don't need a friend and I don't want a friend.
To why need a friend: For companionship which leads to happiness. I have happiness without a friend. At least for now :].
I'm not sure when i realized that, but Fearless did show this to me. I thank her for that. The way she made me realize was because, I didn't want friends.. I wanted to know I could make friends... I felt defected, like i couldn't. I was also very self-restricting. Speaking to her made me open and realize I can make friends.
To why I don't want friends: I'm happy without them right now. And that there's no one really that I want to be friends with... i think? except maybe First mate. I also really like the friends i have now.
Digressing again. Anyways! I feel like telling her I don't think we should hang out. Because i like her
I wanted to write more on that..... but there's really nothing else much to say :]. Telling the truth despite myself and my future no matter how grave makes me feel good. It makes me feel good because i'm not living a lie, i'm being who i am, and i'm loving it.
I can feel myself getting out of a trench. let's hope i don't get back there again.
I like Fearless.
I forgot the meaning of the word LIKE and just realized that now. When you LOVE someone, it's when you know for sure that its "serious." I'm afraid if i dissect the meaning of "serious" ill lose the feeling.
Anyway. I like Fearless. I think she might know that. I know she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. But I want to hangout with her, because I feel like I need a friend.
Do I need a friend? Maybe, but the way I treat her is NOT like a friend.
I think my feeling of needing someone is so strong.. I cannot tell whether or not I need friends.
UNFELT-LOGICAL RATIONALIZATION:
I don't need a friend and I don't want a friend.
To why need a friend: For companionship which leads to happiness. I have happiness without a friend. At least for now :].
I'm not sure when i realized that, but Fearless did show this to me. I thank her for that. The way she made me realize was because, I didn't want friends.. I wanted to know I could make friends... I felt defected, like i couldn't. I was also very self-restricting. Speaking to her made me open and realize I can make friends.
To why I don't want friends: I'm happy without them right now. And that there's no one really that I want to be friends with... i think? except maybe First mate. I also really like the friends i have now.
Digressing again. Anyways! I feel like telling her I don't think we should hang out. Because i like her
I wanted to write more on that..... but there's really nothing else much to say :]. Telling the truth despite myself and my future no matter how grave makes me feel good. It makes me feel good because i'm not living a lie, i'm being who i am, and i'm loving it.
I can feel myself getting out of a trench. let's hope i don't get back there again.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
convulsion
On my way home from the hospital today, I began texting fearless. I felt the same crippling feeling of getting an answer as I usually do. I'd compare the feeling to drowning, its much alike sticking my head into a tub of water with my last breath far gone. After having having inhaled water and feeling the sharp pains of my lungs collapsing, I spoke a few words, trying so fucking hard to get her to respond back naturally. I'd say a few words and seem either far too interested, or not interested at all. I'd try and make myself believe that she'd text back after some words that didn't end in a question. But i always buckled and ended up speaking overly zealous. I have this undying belief in me that she will never text me back. I need her in my life. I need someone in my life.
She asked me if I wanted to go up to a local college after she got out of work. I told her I couldn't. i had work the next morning. I blew up. I didn't show it though, I never do. I than furiously tried to rationalize why i shouldn't go to work on weekends anymore, it destroys all my chances at a social life.
I take everything anyone says the wrong way.
I am a fucking pessimist.
I feel like no one is as perceptive or as self-aware as I am.
I have an undying need to find someone.
I like fearless. - but i'm trying hard not to.
I JUST WANT TO HELP PEOPLE.
I JUST WANT TO TREAT EVERYONE WITH A GREAT DECENCY THAT I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TREAT ME.
She asked me if I wanted to go up to a local college after she got out of work. I told her I couldn't. i had work the next morning. I blew up. I didn't show it though, I never do. I than furiously tried to rationalize why i shouldn't go to work on weekends anymore, it destroys all my chances at a social life.
I take everything anyone says the wrong way.
I am a fucking pessimist.
I feel like no one is as perceptive or as self-aware as I am.
I have an undying need to find someone.
I like fearless. - but i'm trying hard not to.
I JUST WANT TO HELP PEOPLE.
I JUST WANT TO TREAT EVERYONE WITH A GREAT DECENCY THAT I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TREAT ME.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Good Reasons to hate people.
Not knowing how to tell you something that you should change in a humorous way.
I do this
Not accepting anyone for who they are.
I do this
I'd like to continue but atm i'm going to focus on playing while singing santeria. my baby.
THIS IS A BREAK IN THE PATH!
FEARLESS! has responded:
do you hang out with me cus you like me?
[Instant reaction: Well there goes my last hopes of a girlfriend, it's okay i shouldn't have one right now anyway; but i'm still a tad bit hurt. But hey when you get burnt so bad your nerves will eventually turn to ash wont it?]
Our Protagonist:
Maybe I wish I could be more direct than that but i'm not really sure what I want right now lol
I'm sorry I'm just super crazy right now I'm pretty sure you don't like me though if you're worried I think that
FEARLESS!
Ok same. Like I just didn't wanna keep hanging out if you liked me like that and I wasnt sure if I felt the same way ya know?
Our Protagonist:
Kinda. Lol but it's whatever
FEARLESS!
What?
Our Protagonist:
Nothing it's alright
-------------
So would Fearless like to know what i meant by kinda?
POST ANALYTICAL DISSECTION:
Ok (acceptance of the fact) same (You feel alike I do; you have similar feelings toward my overall general statement{I might like you, but I'm in a weird position in life so I'm not sure if I should take it further.}). Like (unclear yet related description following this point.) I just (showing emphasis in a single condition as to make all other supportive reasons negligible {at this point in time.} to not insight feelings of pain. ) didn't wanna keep hanging out if you liked me like that (equivalent to: i don't want to hangout with you if you want a relationship ) and I wasnt sure (adding ambivalence as to make unclear the previous statement and trying to make me feel better about your next. ) if I felt the same way (you wrote these 6 words with intent to say the opposite, but it's okay. I'll have you know I'm fluent in rejection.) ya know?(Seeking clarification if i understood what you just wrote. Seeking clarity, you probably wrote those last words in what could be an unstable bout of emotion. However I'm not sure if you thought it through well enough.)
Well I do know. I know what you meant absolutely, but what you did tell me wasn't what you truly wanted to say. So your statement made no sense especially when you say "Ok same."
Thusly,
Kinda. But it's whatever.
I do this
Not accepting anyone for who they are.
I do this
I'd like to continue but atm i'm going to focus on playing while singing santeria. my baby.
THIS IS A BREAK IN THE PATH!
FEARLESS! has responded:
do you hang out with me cus you like me?
[Instant reaction: Well there goes my last hopes of a girlfriend, it's okay i shouldn't have one right now anyway; but i'm still a tad bit hurt. But hey when you get burnt so bad your nerves will eventually turn to ash wont it?]
Our Protagonist:
Maybe I wish I could be more direct than that but i'm not really sure what I want right now lol
I'm sorry I'm just super crazy right now I'm pretty sure you don't like me though if you're worried I think that
FEARLESS!
Ok same. Like I just didn't wanna keep hanging out if you liked me like that and I wasnt sure if I felt the same way ya know?
Our Protagonist:
Kinda. Lol but it's whatever
FEARLESS!
What?
Our Protagonist:
Nothing it's alright
-------------
So would Fearless like to know what i meant by kinda?
POST ANALYTICAL DISSECTION:
Ok (acceptance of the fact) same (You feel alike I do; you have similar feelings toward my overall general statement{I might like you, but I'm in a weird position in life so I'm not sure if I should take it further.}). Like (unclear yet related description following this point.) I just (showing emphasis in a single condition as to make all other supportive reasons negligible {at this point in time.} to not insight feelings of pain. ) didn't wanna keep hanging out if you liked me like that (equivalent to: i don't want to hangout with you if you want a relationship ) and I wasnt sure (adding ambivalence as to make unclear the previous statement and trying to make me feel better about your next. ) if I felt the same way (you wrote these 6 words with intent to say the opposite, but it's okay. I'll have you know I'm fluent in rejection.) ya know?(Seeking clarification if i understood what you just wrote. Seeking clarity, you probably wrote those last words in what could be an unstable bout of emotion. However I'm not sure if you thought it through well enough.)
Well I do know. I know what you meant absolutely, but what you did tell me wasn't what you truly wanted to say. So your statement made no sense especially when you say "Ok same."
Thusly,
Kinda. But it's whatever.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
And what for crazy can become?
So being around fearless makes me feel like i'm crazy or something. She's intricate in ways i dare not explain. But I love every moment trying to figure out how she ticks. She told me I was writer. I appreciated that.
I am a reverse engineer of anthropology.
Why the fuck am I so inhuman?!
Note: I got yelled at for "spending most my time not studying" in our computer lab at college. I was fucking furious because it was literally only the 2nd time I've ever been using the lab to go on facebook after having gone in there for over a year. I FELT HAPPY. He gave me purpose. He gave me a goal, he gave me direction. I stared at him in the eyes and told him "most of the time I am studying." He responded with his eyes widening his anger growing after hearing me speak, "What's that?" pointing at my screen. "Yeah i know it's Facebook. But Most of the time I'm in here I'm studying." "What's that? Your not. Most of the time your just not working." His broken English and Chinese culture fucking infuriated the fuck out of me. What was even more furious was him telling me how i spend my time. Hey fuck face, i don't know if you can recall, but you never fucking check to see what i'm doing except in the past two days because my monitor faced your room. Don't base your fucking opinnions of how i spent the last year of my time on the last two days that you've seen me. You're an arrogant fuck who should shut the fuck up when it comes to peoples lives. The fucking computer lab was built for students like me to do whatever the fuck i need. Get a fucking reality check and realize that your job title isn't "Arrogant asshole who insults students through close-minded personal opinions."
Fearless- I'm afraid I'm falling in love with you. But I'm far too comfortable to lose you to make me feel that I'm truly in love.
I am a reverse engineer of anthropology.
Why the fuck am I so inhuman?!
Note: I got yelled at for "spending most my time not studying" in our computer lab at college. I was fucking furious because it was literally only the 2nd time I've ever been using the lab to go on facebook after having gone in there for over a year. I FELT HAPPY. He gave me purpose. He gave me a goal, he gave me direction. I stared at him in the eyes and told him "most of the time I am studying." He responded with his eyes widening his anger growing after hearing me speak, "What's that?" pointing at my screen. "Yeah i know it's Facebook. But Most of the time I'm in here I'm studying." "What's that? Your not. Most of the time your just not working." His broken English and Chinese culture fucking infuriated the fuck out of me. What was even more furious was him telling me how i spend my time. Hey fuck face, i don't know if you can recall, but you never fucking check to see what i'm doing except in the past two days because my monitor faced your room. Don't base your fucking opinnions of how i spent the last year of my time on the last two days that you've seen me. You're an arrogant fuck who should shut the fuck up when it comes to peoples lives. The fucking computer lab was built for students like me to do whatever the fuck i need. Get a fucking reality check and realize that your job title isn't "Arrogant asshole who insults students through close-minded personal opinions."
Fearless- I'm afraid I'm falling in love with you. But I'm far too comfortable to lose you to make me feel that I'm truly in love.
Fearless with a Vengeance
I just got home from college today. I spent the last 4 and a half hours talking with Fearless in the parking lot in front of the theater. We spoke about everything. Our lives, our families, what we do. I found out she's just as alone as I am. Almost just as isolated except I feel her situation to be worse than mine. Her only best friend is in college a couple hours away. She makes it seem like she has no one besides her. She drinks with her when she comes down or when she goes up. She's alone in a way I can't figure. I'm not sure if she told me, we talked about a lot in those 4 hours.
I love how different she is. Although I have to admit I cocked my head like a chicken a couple times trying to figure out why she did the things she did or says the things she does. After each little topic or so we talked about she would shout out "Next!" and give me a wide array of faces in the midst of conversation. I liked her quirkiness.
I don't know whether or not I'm trying to make her my girlfriend.. But I told her:
I like your hair
-smile, thank you!
I like how your different
-smile you and my mom both do, like just you two
Told her how I called her Fearless in le blog. "because your not afraid of who you are and you just don't give a shit and just be you."
-That's like the nicest thing anyone has ever told me
Read the part when I first met her
-That's like a song...
I told her as we left that I hope this wasn't the last time we'd hang out. I really wanted to show her this movie 1408, the scariest movie i'd ever seen. gotta sleep nights
I love how different she is. Although I have to admit I cocked my head like a chicken a couple times trying to figure out why she did the things she did or says the things she does. After each little topic or so we talked about she would shout out "Next!" and give me a wide array of faces in the midst of conversation. I liked her quirkiness.
I don't know whether or not I'm trying to make her my girlfriend.. But I told her:
I like your hair
-smile, thank you!
I like how your different
-smile you and my mom both do, like just you two
Told her how I called her Fearless in le blog. "because your not afraid of who you are and you just don't give a shit and just be you."
-That's like the nicest thing anyone has ever told me
Read the part when I first met her
-That's like a song...
I told her as we left that I hope this wasn't the last time we'd hang out. I really wanted to show her this movie 1408, the scariest movie i'd ever seen. gotta sleep nights
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Forever I May
My crux is action. I have the full capability to do anything. I just, can't. Not only could I do it, but I think I can do it well. Even better than some.
Problem: I can't show what I like.
Reason: I want to say i've been wronged in the worst ways. Made fun of. Thought to be weird. Actual experiences: I say I really like something and show it, people feel awkward by how much I like it. When i explain things, i'm horrible at it. My punchlines are fucking swept over their heads. I feel like it may be the tone of my voice. Do you know how hard it is to sound fun and interesting with a deep voice? Pretty fucking hard.
Problem: I can't show what I like.
Reason: I want to say i've been wronged in the worst ways. Made fun of. Thought to be weird. Actual experiences: I say I really like something and show it, people feel awkward by how much I like it. When i explain things, i'm horrible at it. My punchlines are fucking swept over their heads. I feel like it may be the tone of my voice. Do you know how hard it is to sound fun and interesting with a deep voice? Pretty fucking hard.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Diffusion
It feels like that iron and wine diffuses my problems because listening to the music that they bring up just makes me forget everything. thank god. It feels great. It's about 5 minutes before i ahve to leave for work and i'm exhausted. What is this gap that I feel. When will it be gone?
So Jobro, his girlfriend, Andromeda and I were all out eating at an apple bees. They were telling me how my X completely just whored out. She was the most subtle and prude girl you could ever imagine who thought everything was gross. Her step-father is to blame for that. If i still had the chance to kill him and get away with it i think i would. I know I broke her. I pushed her past her limits. Although she does have a trigger who's practically her only friend now. I'll call her Voldemort. Well Voldemort is just some.. I don't know how to describe her rationally so i'll just say what comes to mind: Dumb, Manipulative, Lying, Stealing, Whore, Slut, Disgrace, Wasted Space of a human being.
I'm used to:
having someone there to always listen
instant gratification by making someone else happy
So Jobro, his girlfriend, Andromeda and I were all out eating at an apple bees. They were telling me how my X completely just whored out. She was the most subtle and prude girl you could ever imagine who thought everything was gross. Her step-father is to blame for that. If i still had the chance to kill him and get away with it i think i would. I know I broke her. I pushed her past her limits. Although she does have a trigger who's practically her only friend now. I'll call her Voldemort. Well Voldemort is just some.. I don't know how to describe her rationally so i'll just say what comes to mind: Dumb, Manipulative, Lying, Stealing, Whore, Slut, Disgrace, Wasted Space of a human being.
I'm used to:
having someone there to always listen
instant gratification by making someone else happy
Friday, April 8, 2011
If it weren't for iron and wine on pandora radio, i don't think i could've made it.
I'm starving. What is isolation again? I wish I could tell you.
Princess and other things.
I'm starting to think that I'm a dolt. That she gave me her number just because. Whatever. I haven't spoken to her all day. I'm not sure how often your supposed to speak to people after you get their number. I feel like i'm the only one in the world with free time and by free time i mean having spend so much time doing nothing. I hate life wasted.
Wonder if i'll have something with Princess. I'm mutual about it now because i know i made her laugh last. IF - that werent the case i'm pretty sure i'd constantly be thinking of hard objects i could hit myself with. Or stairs long enough for me to fall down until i forgot what happened.
I'm reallyy starting to think i'm going bipolar. Or easily forgetful of every happy moment.
Wonder if i'll have something with Princess. I'm mutual about it now because i know i made her laugh last. IF - that werent the case i'm pretty sure i'd constantly be thinking of hard objects i could hit myself with. Or stairs long enough for me to fall down until i forgot what happened.
I'm reallyy starting to think i'm going bipolar. Or easily forgetful of every happy moment.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Rise forth my Son
Be the truth of the light as the first dawn. Bear not the mark of bane and burden. Show me the face of a true companion. One that was long forgotten and truly missed until this day. A day that will be remembered. For there were no days come to pass greater than this. You fall not at question but take each word and phrase as it is given. To abstain from a false convalescence you speak. Risen above a faux-consciousness that was bred from lies and indecision you attain a true clarity; you answer. Now. without fault, apprehension, or disdain. Rest. it has been long needed.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Princess gave me her number. She said she loves the city and to eat out at nobu.
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Psychologist?
I just got clearance from me mum. I can go see a psycholgist now, I'm drunk atm while writing. God theres so much to fucking go through in life isnt there>? I feel like shit. I think i'm far too sensitive for anything in the world. I always over react. I'm always far to much in everythign t odo anything. FUCK!
Don't you just wish there was something out there. Excuseme someone out there for you who understood you and felt exactly the way you do. Who thinks like you. Who feels like you. who talks like you. Who understands your every move. God damn where the fuck are you,. I miss someone understanding me. I miss you Xall of the sudden. This is the first time i have. I need someone who understands me.
Girl, i hope you're there tomorrow. I plan on asking fi you want coffe and trying to initiate in some form of conversatin. HOPEFULLY i'm not completely fu king retarded and anti social. aaa yahknow?!
Iron and wine you've saved my life. I want to kill my self again. Life feels ike a fucking bipolar roller coast.ert.
My eyes are burning out of my skull and my skin feels detatched. i'm becoming more inhuman by the day. I hope my life doesnt fall apart like i feel it is. I feel like my social skills are getting better but tit's like i'm not accepting it. Like i act appropriately cause it makes me feel good but it doesnt really satisfy me to where i need it to.. The outside is stable, but the inside is slowly deteriorating at an impressive rate. maybe i shouldn't speak when i'm drunk.. Maybe i should realize:
EVERYtHING IS AS WE MAKE IT.
Don't you just wish there was something out there. Excuseme someone out there for you who understood you and felt exactly the way you do. Who thinks like you. Who feels like you. who talks like you. Who understands your every move. God damn where the fuck are you,. I miss someone understanding me. I miss you Xall of the sudden. This is the first time i have. I need someone who understands me.
Girl, i hope you're there tomorrow. I plan on asking fi you want coffe and trying to initiate in some form of conversatin. HOPEFULLY i'm not completely fu king retarded and anti social. aaa yahknow?!
Iron and wine you've saved my life. I want to kill my self again. Life feels ike a fucking bipolar roller coast.ert.
My eyes are burning out of my skull and my skin feels detatched. i'm becoming more inhuman by the day. I hope my life doesnt fall apart like i feel it is. I feel like my social skills are getting better but tit's like i'm not accepting it. Like i act appropriately cause it makes me feel good but it doesnt really satisfy me to where i need it to.. The outside is stable, but the inside is slowly deteriorating at an impressive rate. maybe i shouldn't speak when i'm drunk.. Maybe i should realize:
EVERYtHING IS AS WE MAKE IT.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Haven't eaten breakfast. A girl awaits.
Not truly waiting for me of course in that sense. I plan to speak to her today if she's at school. On a Friday... I wonder what that says about her. How she spends her time.. School on a Friday must mean she's very focused on work and really wants to do well. Or if your my case, hate spending time alone because it makes you realize that your a loser and you have no friends.
I plan on posting in some love forum:
Topic Headline: Why do I feel like finding someone so badly?
Short Story: I can't help but feel the need to find someone. I got out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months ago and I'm the one who ended it. She was my first girlfriend, and I found myself to be prone to talking to other girls and wishing I had something with them. So I decided to break it off, I couldn't do that to her.
After the relationship I've went from meeting a few girls and having it end up no where. I didn't mind. I really didn't care if i was single or if i had someone. All until the most recent girl i met.
She messed me up more so than leaving a four year relationship. For a week straight we spoke to each other everyday on the phone for at least four hours before we slept. Than one day it all changed. She said she liked me but said I was too perfect for her. Saying that being with me would make her so scared to mess up and that having something so precious or important in her life would drive her insane. Be it truth or farce, I don't care I just wish it never happened.
Ever since then, I've been stricken with this unending feeling of need. I can't think, I can't focus, I'm in such a huge depression from it. I have few friends which more than likely makes my situation worse. (I lost them all from my ex's controlling relationship.) It's been 4 months of this desperate need for another. I really could care less about college, my degree, my hobbies, almost everything.
Extra shit:
I've always had a bit of social anxiety, to where I'd never eat meals with my family. I've had no reason not to, they're as loving as could be. I never came close to a girl until I was 17. Before that point the only thing I was close to was becoming permanently fused with my computer.Video games were my life. Then in some stranger occurrence than being struck by lightening, my friends introduced me to a girl. I was horrible, they may as well have attached strings to my hands and feet because I didn't know what i was doing. I wanted to be with her but being a anti-social computer nerd didn't really help much.
I changed some stuff because i sounded like a pussy. haha. www.loveforum.net
I plan on posting in some love forum:
Topic Headline: Why do I feel like finding someone so badly?
Short Story: I can't help but feel the need to find someone. I got out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months ago and I'm the one who ended it. She was my first girlfriend, and I found myself to be prone to talking to other girls and wishing I had something with them. So I decided to break it off, I couldn't do that to her.
After the relationship I've went from meeting a few girls and having it end up no where. I didn't mind. I really didn't care if i was single or if i had someone. All until the most recent girl i met.
She messed me up more so than leaving a four year relationship. For a week straight we spoke to each other everyday on the phone for at least four hours before we slept. Than one day it all changed. She said she liked me but said I was too perfect for her. Saying that being with me would make her so scared to mess up and that having something so precious or important in her life would drive her insane. Be it truth or farce, I don't care I just wish it never happened.
Ever since then, I've been stricken with this unending feeling of need. I can't think, I can't focus, I'm in such a huge depression from it. I have few friends which more than likely makes my situation worse. (I lost them all from my ex's controlling relationship.) It's been 4 months of this desperate need for another. I really could care less about college, my degree, my hobbies, almost everything.
Extra shit:
I've always had a bit of social anxiety, to where I'd never eat meals with my family. I've had no reason not to, they're as loving as could be. I never came close to a girl until I was 17. Before that point the only thing I was close to was becoming permanently fused with my computer.Video games were my life. Then in some stranger occurrence than being struck by lightening, my friends introduced me to a girl. I was horrible, they may as well have attached strings to my hands and feet because I didn't know what i was doing. I wanted to be with her but being a anti-social computer nerd didn't really help much.
I changed some stuff because i sounded like a pussy. haha. www.loveforum.net
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