At this time

At this certain juncture in my life.
This crossroads
This glimpse of an existance
Slide of glass.

I find myself still existing.

It's not surprising. And I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm more or less, realizing the unexpected. I stopped thinking forward about where I was going for some time now. Most people see it as a gift-

To truly live in the present.

Maybe more people should have a hopeless outlook in life and accept the fact that what happens next doesn't matter.

In this case feel, my emotions will stay the same no matter what the future brings.
                                  My Corrupt beliefs will stay unscathed atop a granite wall. 

I was speaking to my friend at party. I found out that it was his grandmother's birthday. I cheerfully told him my grandmother died on this day, that it was uncanny that his grandmother was born this same day. Like it was some sort of weird cycle.

 He responded frankly:
You treat death very funny.
                                   Maybe I show too much of my opinion on it.

I love my dearest.
Her sister passed away, she took her own life.
A lot of her struggles arose from a disease that my love has.
In her mourning she'd break from her tears and manage to speak out:
          How could she do this?
          How can I kill myself now?
          I can't do that to my mother.

When she saw deep into the hole of her life, she'd tell me:

 I hate having you here.
You would've been one less person to let down.
                              
Maybe I'm meant for these relationships. The people and connections. Maybe I'm the only one out there who can handle these situations. Maybe the universe knows what I'm capable of and needs me to right the wrongs of mankind, but after all, we arejust part of the big equation.

As the Gears of the Universe Turn Forevermore

I blaze through a hundred different ideas through the day and feel upset that i can't remember them when i come to write here.

I like Fearless.

I forgot the meaning of the word LIKE and just realized that now. When you LOVE someone, it's when you know for sure that its "serious." I'm afraid if i dissect the meaning of "serious" ill lose the feeling.

Anyway. I like Fearless. I think she might know that. I know she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. But I want to hangout with her, because I feel like I need a friend.

Do I need a friend? Maybe, but the way I treat her is NOT like a friend.

I think my feeling of needing someone is so strong.. I cannot tell whether or not I need friends.

UNFELT-LOGICAL RATIONALIZATION:

I don't need a friend and I don't want a friend.
                  To why need a friend: For companionship which leads to happiness. I have happiness without a friend. At least for now :].
I'm not sure when i realized that, but Fearless did show this to me. I thank her for that. The way she made me realize was because, I didn't want friends.. I wanted to know I could make friends... I felt defected, like i couldn't. I was also very self-restricting. Speaking to her made me open and realize I can make friends.
                    To why I don't want friends: I'm happy without them right now. And that there's no one really that I want to be friends with... i think? except maybe First mate. I also really like the friends i have now.

Digressing again. Anyways! I feel like telling her I don't think we should hang out. Because i like her

I wanted to write more on that..... but there's really nothing else much to say :]. Telling the truth despite myself and my future no matter how grave makes me feel good. It makes me feel good because i'm not living a lie, i'm being who i am, and i'm loving it.

I can feel myself getting out of a trench. let's hope i don't get back there again.

More criticism

If you overesteem great men,
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.

The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.

Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.

-Some Taoist website.

To be absent needs is to be absent loss. It literally states, practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place. If I use a somewhat eclectic thought to Taoism and my zero theory, it seems to get interesting.

Neither being positive (+) or negative (-) means any hidden context. Meaning, being positive doesn't mean it's a good thing, being negative doesn't make it a bad thing. They could be easily interchanged and it would still have the same value.

As people we set ourselves to have psychological needs. Needs = (-). People = (+). We put our self in the Taoist definition of "disharmony."  We struggle everyday to attain our needs or balance, to achieve neutrality.

Example: I love Africa, and she does not want to be with me. I am at constant disharmony.

Need (-): Africa
People (+): Myself

Since I have yet to achieve harmony/neutrality, I am at constant action. My heart yearns to be with her and hurts when I don't do everything in my power to try to be. I stress my self and it does damage. It leaves me in sadness, anger, hate, and utter despair. This is the state of disharmony.

My depression/frustration/emotions that I feel for her could be a gauge to the strength of my pull toward her. The deeper I feel for achieving this need of being with her, the more I hurt (the greater the disharmony.)

Disharmony is also increased by resisting the pull of the two polar sides. I block myself (+) from liking her (-) even though I know she is all I want. This causes all of us a deeper pain, when we walk in a different path that our heart leaves for us.


So Taoism's answer to achieving harmony: Give up all goals, needs, and dreams.

Harmony is harmony. It doesn't matter if I figure out every perfect word to speak to her and she becomes swayed to be with me or if I give up on her and believe there is no need for love.

As the zero theory will forever tell, to be neutral is all we seek.

The Way

I was reading the Tao Te Ching in the library today. It greatly reinforces a theory i had for life i made a while back when i was drunk.

The Zero theory. A fundamental law about science or matter or physics is it? I have no clue. But Positive will always be attracted to Negative. Matter it self inexplicably tries to achieve a balance. When you assign value to positive and negative, it becomes thusly: +1 or -1. This shows a positive and a negative. When combined, they equal zero. Everything tries to achieve zero. I'm fucking exhausted. I can't rationalize.

Taoism overview: Absent mind, absent problems. Goals met are not found in action, but in mind.