convulsion

On my way home from the hospital today, I began texting fearless. I felt the same crippling feeling of getting an answer as I usually do. I'd compare the feeling to drowning, its much alike sticking my head into a tub of water with my last breath far gone. After having having inhaled water and feeling the sharp pains of my lungs collapsing, I spoke a few words, trying so fucking hard to get her to respond back naturally. I'd say a few words and seem either far too interested, or not interested at all. I'd try and make myself believe that she'd text back after some words that didn't end in a question. But i always buckled and ended up speaking overly zealous. I have this undying belief in me that she will never text me back. I need her in my life. I need someone in my life.

She asked me if I wanted to go up to a local college after she got out of work. I told her I couldn't. i had work the next morning. I blew up. I didn't show it though, I never do. I than furiously tried to rationalize why i shouldn't go to work on weekends anymore, it destroys all my chances at a social life.

I take everything anyone says the wrong way.
I am a fucking pessimist.
I feel like no one is as perceptive or as self-aware as I am.

I have an undying need to find someone.
I like fearless. - but i'm trying hard not to.

I JUST WANT TO HELP PEOPLE.
I JUST WANT TO TREAT EVERYONE WITH A GREAT DECENCY THAT I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TREAT ME.