My heart races every time I think of the idea. Seeing her again, in class. I know it's going to hit hard. Hit real hard. I can't fucking figure out why. It's so utterly fucking stupid. It would go away if I were to never see her again. To know there's absolutely no chance. I want that. I desperately want her to disappear to a far off land. To fall off the face of the earth. Please please do.
I realized that love makes you tell lies. love makes you accidentally say the worst things possible. To assure you'll look like a complete ass. To make you appear as a total creep and absolute fool. There's an ingenious plan in there I'm sure.
God I'm fucking sick of it.
I talked to my cousin, Affliction, yesterday about my situation. I told her that Africa was pissed at me for the whole make out thing, and she opened my eyes wider than I thought they could ever see.
Africa used me. (pandora is great at abnormal coincidences, as I wrote this line, a song called "Evil" by Interpol came on. hahah.)
Affliction is young and dumb. Sick and disturbed. Selfish and Loathing. The taste of male blood is the only thing that sates her hunger. She has a boyfriend, and flirts with a random friend she works with. She told him she likes him; and he likes her, deeply. She explains
"You don't understand I do like him a lot but I like my boyfriend too, just more. Sometimes I'm very close with him and than other days I just ignore him."
She uses this kid when she doesn't have boyfriend around to comfort her. I yelled expletively at her in every way imaginable. Telling her that she's sick and disgusting. "Don't you ever do that to anyone, it's the most unfair and hurtful thing you can ever do to someone... To tell them you like them and have them like you back but do nothing but torture them with your presence." I wasn't yelling at her, I was, but she knew I wasn't a seriously yelling, she knew it was something that I really wanted her to get.
Translation to my situation: Africa told me she likes me, but she really likes Ex-douchebag. Sometimes she was really close with me and other days we weren't. I connected the dots. When she told me a long while ago that we couldn't have what we did, she said
"I'm sorry I know you hate me. I understand if you don't ever want to talk to me again and all that. And.. "
I was confused because i don't know why she was so apologetic. I immediately interrupted her because i don't want a girl I love to ever spend one moment in distress.
"What do you mean? You told me what I was getting into, it's alright!"
"You have to be angry at me I don't believe you."
"Hah no, I'm really not. Why would I be? I understand."
Now I know I didn't. I didn't understand one bit. I think me questioning her in whatever way I did made her feel too guilty of explaining the situation or that she believed I knew what i was getting into. I see now she was trying to tell me that I was nothing. That I was just a temporary fill in for a long-term position for she a person she believed to be on leave.
I am not temporary.
I am not un-qualified.
I am heaven sent,
Don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted,
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told. I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems,
Shelter from cold. we are never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me whats it like to have
Myself so figured out.
I wish I knew..
(brand new with a feeling all to similar)
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