Choo Choo.

Random social talk I felt like writing; Omittable



I talked with a 91 year old polish man today at work. He told me about his life growing up. He reveled in all of his old memories. For his age he was very active and still mobile. At 19, he told me that out of 9 siblings he was the only one to survive the holocaust. He became very sad and I couldn't think of what to say. I know now i should have said: "That must have been really hard for you to go through." Instead I threw a monotonous sympathetic remark of "I'm very sorry to hear that." After we were done having our conversation, he told me how he wished he had a daughter that he could introduce me to. He made me smile, I wanted to say: I'd love to meet your daughter if you had one. Instead I was caught off guard because my female co-worker was there with me. I don't know why  I get so socially inept when I'm around people. I can't help but think of how others see me. It overwhelms me and I'm just caught in headlights.

I realized today I can't recognize my tastes anymore. I feel like every thing I like is an echo from a friend or family member. I can't think of the last thing that I enjoyed solely by myself.
Life used to be simple. I used to enjoy everything. Now I only enjoy Pandora (death from above 1979 radio), my sole two friends (because they occupy my thoughts of being depressed), the people I come across at work, and fucking dumping my head out onto this F'n blog.

I really hope this fucking shit I'm going through is only temporary.

My biggest concern right now is the fact I don't know why the hell I'm feeling this way.

BEGIN

What do you think Detective?

Let's get started.

Alright, lets.

When did all this start?

I feel like it was a freight train constantly picking up speed ever since I fell in love with Kryptonite.

Really. Go on, if you could.

WELL. Life was mundane. I broke my back everyday for  x who didn't deserve me, but I stayed with her because I realized I'm a fiend for someone to love me. (the scenery out the window has now become undecipherable.)  I'm sure that's from neglect issues as a child. Then I broke up with her because I met Kryptonite, and this is very shallow of me and dumb, but I did fall in love with her. (we've begun to shake rigorously and grave events await eagerly.) I told Kryptonite how I felt and told her she was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my entire life. I was still going out with x, but I had already planned to break up the next day. She replied "I don't even know you.. and well let's just leave it at that." She later textd me saying "not to bother because she's still dealing with her ex."  She rejected me; I broke up with x. (the bolts have become loose, the cabin irreparably falls apart but maintains it's structure.) I didn't know a thing about her and I drastically changed my life forever. It was enough for me just to know her personality and looks to give it a chance. Then I met Africa. I was completely un-attracted to her at first. But I gave it a try. (The tracks that follow behind are warped, the wheels that turn are squealing so sharp my ears are near deaf. )She became a deathly parasite that ate me from the inside out. She was a virulent disease that laid dormant until my walls came down. She wanted to be with me. Then we kissed. Then she told me it was wrong, that she couldn't do this to me, she said she was in love with her ex. We talked every day for two weeks. Txting and calling at night till one of us fell asleep. I told her I couldn't get over her, we couldn't be friends. ( I begin to hold my head between my knees as sparks and steam constantly shoot from the now unfitting tracks.) Few days silence. We started to speak again. Weeks thereafter:

Week 1: We became friends, I fell in love, I became drastically depressed, I accepted it.
(Our speed is so great, I fall hard pinned into the back of my seat. Shards of metal and glass shoot from the floor and windows like confetti.)
Week 2: We became friends, I fell in love, I became gravely depressed, I accepted it.
(The acceleration of the train is ten fold from where we began and the g-force is stopping the flow of blood.)
Week 3: We became friends, I fell in love, I became disgustingly depressed, I couldn't accept it.
(We've derailed.  Hurdling at a hypersonic speed; I've begun to black in and out. Intermittently, the world is unbeknown. My body is at the whim of a dwindling fate.)
Week 4: We drank, She cried in my arms over her ex.

Winter Break - She txted me basically saying that I'm an asshole for trying to help her friend. I puss out. My response is half felt when it shouldn't be sensible with care at all.

Additional Catalysts: Getting burned by a random girl, My ex has my passport and is afraid to talk to me, My mum is constantly trying to get x and I together, No outlets, Social ineptness, isolation, boredom, losing my self.

I'm still searching for that light.

Well what do you need me for?

Your my plan-b.

Oh what not good enough for plan-a?

I'm still unsure whether it's healthy to have you, but you have helped me so much.

Acceptable, get some rest work tomorrow.