I Need Social Affirmation

I've been an island. I just talked with my cousin Vilo and his friend Puerto. I talked with them about random shit. Just about anything. It felt f'n great. To meet new people and just prove that I'm cool to be around. I need to hang out with Cap'n. See whats good.

I think I'm going to go on a Hiatus for a while. I'm starting to think writing on this blog could be taking the fuel away from where it should be going, toward getting my shit together and making friends.

Oh Fuck.

It feels like my mind is splitting in every single direction possible. I can't keep one track. I can't remain in a solid straight line. Its drunk. I really find no purpose in doing anything anymore. I'm fucking flipping back and forth through depression. Ugh.

I wonder if I had more friends this would cure this bullshit feeling.

should have done:

hey dude sup? doing anything today?
I'm super bored let's f'n do something.

what i did:

contemplate what ifs.

Today felt wasted. But I need to work through my shit first. I hate facebook. I want fucking people I can trust. That don't bullshit. That understand the same thoughts I have. I need some fucking relation I'm going insane.

Africa seemed jealous the other day. I loved it, but I begged my friend not to make her so, she was going through the shit with comatose brody still. I need E-fucking-VENTS to occur in my own life. Ones that i find worth while and fucking sate me. I'm so fucking hungry for more constantly. Hungry for something to occupy my time.

I think i haveee no hobbies. Want games, but they're expensive, want to skim no one to skim with, want to surf, cant float/swim for long, want to skate, hip problems. want to draw, but it's boring, i've watched several movies and i'm ending up like the character from Yes Man with jim carey.

How the fuck can I be myself again?

Searching. This Is Isolation

I'm starting to have thoughts about suicide. I don't think I'll ever really do it.

But I have a growing feeling in my stomach that there's no purpose in continuing to go forward. I don't want women, I do, but.. I don't know there's just so much pain from social anxiety. It's almost intolerable.

I'm becoming unstable. I feel I'm becoming too smart for my own good.

I put up a status on face book and expected people to comment on it and no one really did except my cousin. For some reason it hurts a lot more than it should have. I haven't spoken to cap'n or carebear in a bit and only really talk with Jobro, occasionally. Jobro needs to F'n get his shit together. He hates his situation and complains constantly about the same things continuously.

Back to women, I think I do want love again. But I believed that I had love, with X, and I broke it because it wasn't enough. Maybe it wasn't love? It couldn't have been. That's a purpose to live for. Finding love.

You haven't found it yet.

I thought I did.

You were wrong kid, it happens to all of us sometimes. Hang in there.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

You need to speak to a girl. Any girl. They may not be the one, but you need to start taking steps toward your goals. Don't fuck up along the way, don't step on anyone else, and don't toy with anyone's feelings. Give answers where they are due.

I live for Others.

After writing last post, I felt different. A good different. And it showed today in class. I made everyone laugh in class several times. I loved it. I love making people laugh and have a good time. I think I may have also sub-pseudo-consciously played some game on my classmates. and it worked haha.. I got scared when I saw them becoming attracted to me, I realized I didn't want to do that to them although my dick strongly tells me otherwise. I need to man up and talk to girls outside of my class.

I'm so lost for what I want from women now. There are 3 kinds of relationships you can have with a woman.

1. Real relationship: boyfriend-girlfriend. Fall in love, spend time together, enjoy each others company, finish each others sentences

2. Fuck relationship: guy hooks up with girl. Get drunk, make out, knock boots, wake up in the morning and awkwardly say goodbye.

3. Friend relationship: guy hangs out with girl.. with no interest. Study together, maybe grab food, talk about plans for school but don't really care that much about her responses..


I can't have 1, after being in a 4 year relationship i hate the sound of everything about it,
can't have 2, i don't think I'm an asshole enough for it and I'm to much of a pansy to go through with it,
don't want 3, because it seems almost pointless unless they offer me something back and I feel like i could make them fall crazy for me by making them have such a good time with me.

Well fuck. I need to reanalyze this more. Most the girls I talk to I'm realizing I subtly flirt with them and than back off once the temperature gets to hot to handle. Except one-

I'll call her, Adrina for Adrima Lima, seeing as to how she models sometimes. She's pretty attractive, but for some reason I just don't want to be with her, she's just too much for me I guess. She's more like an older sister which is awesome. She offers me advice and I love her opinion on everything it's hilarious. We see each other only occasionally. We had the same class awhile back when I was going out with X and immediately started talking when she found I could do simple math in record time haha.. I'll probably see her more often this semester.

Know your Limits

I got confused somewhere along the way with Africa, where she liked me so well but suddenly didn't. She liked me and said i was the most mature and real person she knew. I now know it's because I knew myself. I knew what I could do and what I couldn't do. I didn't try to stretch out my personality to meet the standards of others. I mean eventually I could become what I wanted to, but not that fast, not that blind, and that hurt. It was just too overwhelming for me and I denied to realize it. I also spoke to soon for what I thought was her. I told her she wasn't weird at all and that anyone is crazy for believing that. I'd take back those words if I could.. I mean I fully believe you should be whoever you want and do whatever you want. But the way she acts and carries herself makes me want to avoid and be embarrassed for her. This is just my sole opinion and I'm sure there's someone out there who would think she's completely normal.

I need to find myself once again, know what I'm capable of and never deny it. Your mind can't forget who you are, so don't try to fool it into believing your someone else. A theory: when it comes to any choice we make, we only do what we want to. So try to listen to your innate you, not the you that is affected by social and cultural contexts.

What Turned Liquid into Solid?

Way back when in high school, after my rebirth as a punk (the mohawk kind), I was solid. I was an immovable force to be reckoned with. I was confident and loved doing what ever I did. I think I'm getting there again :].

But it's weird what got me there. It was Hate. It was Anger. And I'm finding a hate and anger for a lot of things. And I'm liking it.

I hate how stupid and superficial people are.
I hate how people create fucking infinitely high walls.
I hate how arrogant people can make themselves to be because of information they think is concrete.
-divulge
   NOTHING IS CONCRETE. It is near impossible to believe anything in absolute. Yet every motherfucker under the sun says there a billion things that are. Heres a test.

Is there really other planets other than earth? Yes? well how the hell do you know. Most of us don't own high-powered telescopes to look out into space. You base your knowledge of the planets from others. Others being people who tell you that you can trust because they're better than us intellectually. So we cast beliefs in the words of others.

A bit of truth: Everything out of the perception of our 5 senses is in great possibility of not being "concrete".

--random
When you watch movies they always give some general and underlying motif, where anger makes you have a cloudy mind, that it makes you have no control over your actions; not me. When i get overwhelmed with anger, I get focused, I become keen and sharp minded. I focus on what ever the hell got me so angry in the first place and do everything in my power to stop what that was. I close out everything in my mind except my one objective. I usually accomplish what goal I have set, and if I fail I let the anger subside. It's pointless to keep it if there's no support behind it.

Shed your Skin

I'm starting to think Africa was a rebound. But she also reinforced my reasons for breaking up with X; finding another relationship.

I don't feel 100% behind this but, it would make sense. I hate so much about her and she's only decent looking. I went onto her fb and saw all the dumb pictures of her she has. Really dumb. Like that's kind of weird dumb. I know I would be embarrassed if i had ever went to hang out with her friends. I'd be somewhat embarrassed to bring her around my friends.

I know I would have liked to bring her around with me because she was outgoing and confident, a girl walking with confidence is like a girl walking around in lingerie.

But still, I found this just recently and it's good.. I'm regaining the use of my brain again.

Get Down With the Sickness

So when i got drunk i had work in the morning.. I went to sleep around 4 woke up at 7 and felt like complete shit, still drunk.

I had 3 shots of tequila andd 3 beers.. not sure what. But anyway,

I spoke to one the nurses about me coughing, and i said that my cough was real bad that morning but i had it for 4 weeks. He gave me a funny look and he asked what color my sputum was and i said sometimes green, he told me i had an infection. WELL! he was right. I went to the er today with a fever of 103.8.. it went down drastically from the ibuprofen i was taking thank fully. It was at 100 by the time i got a room. I got hooked up to an IV which was awesome, it was my first. and now i'm still feeling like shit and everytime i cough or sneeze it feels like i'm ripping band aids off in my lungs.

The PA who saw me was ssssssssssssso f'n hot. She smiled at me a couple times when she noticed i was looking at her in the nursing station, she seemed about 24-26. I felt embarrassed when she told me to say "AWH" when she had that wood Popsicle stick in my mouth cause i hadn't brushed my teeth and i was coughing up all kinds of things. Wish i had some game.

Oh and apparently one of Africa's friends got fucked up. I'm not to sure what happened to him but her fb status said she was feeling empty. And everyone was saying Brody's name and how they all felt sorry for him and her and his family and what not. Now the a confusing thing is... she has a couple of friends named "Brody". I wonder if it was the Brody that told her that i said "we make out all the time".

Now if karma is real, I don't think he deserved what he got from what he solely did to me. I mean yeah he's a prick if his intentions were to bash on me but it sounds like he's in pretty bad shape. I want to say I hope he's alright, but I don't know the kid. I think I'm very cold. If hes a good kid and his heart is where it should be than I hope he's alright.

But i still think i'm pretty cold. We were told we were going to a terminally ill children's hospital at the end of our semester. Everyone gasped and looked sad. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I guess it's because i don't really know kids very well. and the fact that i've never really bonded with a younger kid.. Well besides my ex-bestfriend's little brother whos like 7 now? So I have bonded... but I guess since i don't know what impending death is like, i don't really feel any relation or sympathy yet. Well see how it goes, i just hope nobody calls me a monster.

DRUNK round 2!

Its funny i feell like i'll have norecollection of this moment. I desperately want to something.... I love africca oh yes i do. I went out with cap'n ameirca i need to come out with a new nick name, and the green arrow. andd it was fucking fun as shit. we tried to hit on girls and it was hilarious. Cap'n hit on some veterinarian. she had a boyfriend. I hit on some girl who was "with" some guy from my highschool. She was sad the whole night and when i asked her "are you alright" he came up and was like "not now dude fuck off." He was verrrryy fucking scary hahah. it was hilarious. i'm eating a porkroll and poppiseed roll right now. I just cooked it and burned my hands in oil lol. I tried dancing again trying to get  capn his veteranarian..... it was hilarious. He saIDWE'D smoke tokmorrow.... i'm loooking forward to it as soon as i get out of work n swaht not........! Hey you know what. Girls find me attractive.... 3/4s of the time................................... i need to work on personality to back it up.! the vet was looking at me like fucking crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrazzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyy! i should have spoken to her. and at ;east tp;d jer ,y ma,e! name hahah........ drunkard is the best;. I"M GLAD IWENT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! face your fears mother fuckres.



i qeirrt wrote four a whilre saumh saying jhhiow i wantewd to kill y awdseflf with moksha and what noy. but soiemething made it fisaPPEAR U how aboyut wotk yomorrow hah?  i want you africa.




fuck you i'm drunk as shit. and I hate my self i hate my situation and i want it to end..t LOL don't look at me as a desperate cry for attention. Of course i'd love it, but look don't give it if you don't want to. I"ll be me with out you . hahahahahahahah i'm so fuckingggggggggggggggggggg lost/drunk/in love.

Don't you ever be afraid.

I tell myself this everyday because I'm always afraid. Of everything. How do you break fear? Face it. But the most important part is, don't just do the act and look the other way. You need to commit to it and stay within the feelings for it. Accept everything that the fear has to offer and take it in mouthfuls.

I spent 10 minutes looking at my friend on face book just being logged into the messenger. I could barely take the thought of speaking to him. I didn't know what to say. I want to say I took a moment to think of myself and the shit I'm in and what could go wrong. But I didn't. My ego or id or whatever you want to call subconscious thought, came up with it on its own. I think whatever in me just grew a couple of braincells. Or at least a pair of balls. I spoke to him, saying "hey whats up so how you been spending time in pleasantville?" It's long, over drawn out and a multiple question question. I'm starting to realize I think to much.

We talked a bit and every moment after I sent a message, I was afraid he'd never speak to me again if i said something dumb. Social anxiety is pretty fucking embarrassing.

He asked me if i was going out tonight, i said uh no lol but i will if you got any ideas. and he said he might. I pulled off being smooth somehow.

I usually wouldn't go out on a Friday cause of work at 7 in the morning on Saturday but hey you know what? Momento mori, I'm not going to live forever, and today may be my last.

Bite The Bullet.

Moving On.

So when you move on, is it supposed to be as simple as to not think of that person ever again?
To control your thoughts so well that you don't ever have them cross your mind?

It's starting to feel that way just a little bit. But there has to be one huge thing first..

You just let it all out. Stop thinking. Stop telling yourself well maybe this is this and that is that. Or finding out ways how to just stop feeling the way you do. Just stop everything your doing and accept it. Maybe.

Thinking doesn't control your feelings. Thinking only controls the events that will control your feelings.

I've been self searching for far to long.

none of anything i wrote made sense right there. I'm sick of being scared.

Nothing will change the way I feel about her. Unless I change myself. And this cannot be done alone. I know desperately what I want. Just to speak to her. But will I be hurt? My heart stops me from thinking.

Talk about awkward. Still fucking lost.

 I can't read the crazy signs and I'm far from home. When the fuck am I going to find where I'm supposed to be going? I'm open to all opinions.

Africa sat on the opposite end of the huge conference room at our college. Her slight gleam of a blurry outline in the corner of my eye was more focused than anything that stood in front of me.

I avoided her at all costs. My life is at stake. We got called up as a group to sign up for a specific date to watch surgeries for the semester. Me and Endgame signed up for the first week and I blabbered something that made me come off as a complete idiot. I have a horrible habit of doing that. She looked at me. She wanted to all night. She questioned what I'm thinking. Is it that fucking hard to figure out?

I ate off the toes of her feet. I continued speaking non-sense as a desperate clamor to gain her attention.

I want to punch my self in the face. How the fuck can I be so god damned stuck to her?

I only know one cure for this ill conceived and maliciously vehement disease. And honestly I can't find any other way to get her out of my system. I'm sick of waiting for it to cure itself. I've been suffering since the beginning of November. If anyone ever questions how 3 months of fucking isolated agony is, I'm your guy. For this cure, it goes against my morals and beliefs but I, quite frankly, do not give a flying fuck.

A rebound is definitely in order.

Last Day of Winter Break

My heart races every time I think of the idea. Seeing her again, in class. I know it's going to hit hard. Hit real hard. I can't fucking figure out why. It's so utterly fucking stupid. It would go away if I were to never see her again. To know there's absolutely no chance. I want that. I desperately want her to disappear to a far off land. To fall off the face of the earth. Please please do.

I realized that love makes you tell lies. love makes you accidentally say the worst things possible. To assure you'll look like a complete ass. To make you appear as a total creep and absolute fool. There's an ingenious plan in there I'm sure.

God I'm fucking sick of it.

I talked to my cousin, Affliction, yesterday about my situation. I told her that Africa was pissed at me for the whole make out thing, and she opened my eyes wider than I thought they could ever see.

Africa used me. (pandora is great at abnormal coincidences, as I wrote this line, a song called "Evil" by Interpol came on. hahah.)

Affliction is young and dumb. Sick and disturbed. Selfish and Loathing. The taste of male blood is the only thing that sates her hunger. She has a boyfriend, and flirts with a random friend she works with. She told him she likes him; and he likes her, deeply. She explains

"You don't understand I do like him a lot but I like my boyfriend too, just more. Sometimes I'm very close with him and than other days I just ignore him."

She uses this kid when she doesn't have boyfriend around to comfort her. I yelled expletively at her in every way imaginable. Telling her that she's sick and disgusting. "Don't you ever do that to anyone, it's the most unfair and hurtful thing you can ever do to someone... To tell them you like them and have them like you back but do nothing but torture them with your presence." I wasn't yelling at her, I was, but she knew I wasn't a seriously yelling, she knew it was something that I really wanted her to get.

Translation to my situation: Africa told me she likes me, but she really likes Ex-douchebag. Sometimes she was really close with me and other days we weren't. I connected the dots. When she told me a long while ago that we couldn't have what we did, she said

"I'm sorry I know you hate me. I understand if you don't ever want to talk to me again and all that. And.. "

I was confused because i don't know why she was so apologetic. I immediately interrupted her because i don't want a girl I love to ever spend one moment in distress.

"What do you mean? You told me what I was getting into, it's alright!"

"You have to be angry at me I don't believe you." 

"Hah no, I'm really not. Why would I be? I understand."

Now I know I didn't. I didn't understand one bit. I think me questioning her in whatever way I did made her feel too guilty of explaining the situation or that she believed I knew what i was getting into. I see now she was trying to tell me that I was nothing. That I was just a temporary fill in for a long-term position for she a person she believed to be on leave.

I am not temporary.
I am not un-qualified.


I am heaven sent,
Don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted,
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told. I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems,
Shelter from cold. we are never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me whats it like to have
Myself so figured out.
I wish I knew..
(brand new with a feeling all to similar)

Matt and Kim

Ridiculous.

I don't care who they are or how they act in real life or when they're not on camera.

They show something that nearly brings me to tears. I want what they have. To have a career that you deeply love, where every-waking moment your doing something you love, with the one you love. Everyday to be who you are with the one that lets you be. I can't take watching them, I hate listening to them. It's too overwhelming. To always be pushing one another to see who could make the other laugh harder. To find how when either of us fall down we'll catch one another, or we'll go down together. To be able to fully be myself, while she is fully herself. To find that we fit perfectly into our lives like a long sought jigsaw piece. She will fill the gap in my life, and i will fit the missing piece in hers. To peel away each others fears, accept regrets, and give courage to one another for all obstacles to come.

God damn I find Kim so attractive. It's funny because I'm starting to realize more and more, I really care less and less about physical looks. Personality can hold me tied strong to a girl if she just let's her self be. I just want a girl who can be herself despite what the fucking world says she should be. To stare back social pressure in the eyes and be unfazed through prominent action.

Some may say I have pipe dreams. I only wish for her to give back what I give her, to push me to better myself as I will her, to love me as much as I deeply and forevermore love her.

Drunk,, right now.

I noticed the glareo n the plate that i heated uip in my micvrowave with pizza on it. IO'm glad i went out, It was well orth it. Zohanna wanted me to dan e with her and add me on facebook and i told carebear that she nieed to get rid of her. but fuck he was so in depth with her his wall paper on his cell phone is apiture of her,............ but! he told eme when i met her htat hse was never like that and we took a picturte together it might be on face book. io'll put it up when it its up thereeeeeeeeeeeeee

she was telling me carebare woukdlnt let her put me on her friends and all but she said that he wouldn't let her which is fucking good he shouldnt. i'm drunk i met captain america this night for the first time in years and his companion the green arrow.  i want to ta,k more  but my head is facing down and i'm so fucking drunk and i  have this pizza i was mentiooing before is getting cold. I didn't even drink that mciuch but. to all who read this. I love you. donmt ever let fear take hold of you. ever. it only holds you back from living yoru life.

Can't Stop Brand New

I keep playing "okay i believe but my tommy gun don't." and I must say: I THINK IN DECIMALS AND DOLLARS. And if you couldn't tell, I'm absolutely in love with screaming it out loud. then ask me what it's like to have my self so figured out. I feel like the whole situation I went through with Africa left me with my guts ripped out and I'm stuck trying to figure out how to put everything back together. She makes me think everything I believe in and how to live was wrong. It hurts to always be honest with the one that you love. Can't explain why but I just want to put it out there.

I bet I'd be feeling a shit ton better if I had more friends to hang out with and let time go by. This is the reason your alone. I know I'm not that bad or socially awkward. For my lady situation, I feel like I've given up on talking to girls for awhile. I just wanna believe. It's weird because I know most girls find me attractive, but I think I can't take another hit right now. My shields are down and power is set to full on thrusters. This is the craze only we can bestow, this is the price you pay for loss of control. I used to be so socially confident, now I'm flying low avoiding all conversations. We are entirely smooth, we admit to the truth, we are the best at what we do. Which is pretty fucking bad considering how i need to meet more people.

So when i do recover, option A: Risk another hit, waste more time if hit. option B: don't talk to girls make friends.

I'll choose option B. Oh my tongue is the only muscle in body that works harder than my heart. Fuck girls for right now. I feel it's like dealing with nitroglycerin like in that movie The Vertical Limit. And I'm sick of blowing my self up every time I try to work with it.

Note the intense gaze, it could really fuck you up if it wanted.

Social shit:

I realized that i'm always very apprehensive when it comes to talking to my friends publicly. Theres just a crippling fear that overwhlems me. I then thought of my dreams of leaving to another country to start over and be whoever the hell i want to. I think i'm going to pretend that i am in another country right now. Be who ever the f i want and not care. and treat like i won't see anyone who hears me ever again when i return back home.

Wouldn't stop if I could.

Care-bare invited me out this Thursday with Zohana again. They seem pretty adamant about dancing. Shittt! I better you tube "how not to look like a jackass in public."

Anyways, I need to start writing lyrics. I think i might be shit out of luck because when I used to write poetry and what-not it was always about something that I was honestly feeling. Seeing as to how me and Jobro are making a somewhat comedy band it might be rough. I think we might make a couple metal songs. I was trying to think of a song about some video game that was recently eating up all my time and putting holes in the wall.

tbc

In love with music

I'm planning on making music. I'm learning a lot with the lessons. Not so much from the actual teacher, but he basically just points me in the right direction. F'n modes, and learning every note on each fret? Jesus I'm not a robot, but I'll try damn hard to be. As soon as I write my first song I'll be sure to put it up.

Things are looking up. I don't want to talk that much about it. I'm afraid I might jinx it. I'm feeling like my old self again.

Bout F'n time.

Choo Choo.

Random social talk I felt like writing; Omittable



I talked with a 91 year old polish man today at work. He told me about his life growing up. He reveled in all of his old memories. For his age he was very active and still mobile. At 19, he told me that out of 9 siblings he was the only one to survive the holocaust. He became very sad and I couldn't think of what to say. I know now i should have said: "That must have been really hard for you to go through." Instead I threw a monotonous sympathetic remark of "I'm very sorry to hear that." After we were done having our conversation, he told me how he wished he had a daughter that he could introduce me to. He made me smile, I wanted to say: I'd love to meet your daughter if you had one. Instead I was caught off guard because my female co-worker was there with me. I don't know why  I get so socially inept when I'm around people. I can't help but think of how others see me. It overwhelms me and I'm just caught in headlights.

I realized today I can't recognize my tastes anymore. I feel like every thing I like is an echo from a friend or family member. I can't think of the last thing that I enjoyed solely by myself.
Life used to be simple. I used to enjoy everything. Now I only enjoy Pandora (death from above 1979 radio), my sole two friends (because they occupy my thoughts of being depressed), the people I come across at work, and fucking dumping my head out onto this F'n blog.

I really hope this fucking shit I'm going through is only temporary.

My biggest concern right now is the fact I don't know why the hell I'm feeling this way.

BEGIN

What do you think Detective?

Let's get started.

Alright, lets.

When did all this start?

I feel like it was a freight train constantly picking up speed ever since I fell in love with Kryptonite.

Really. Go on, if you could.

WELL. Life was mundane. I broke my back everyday for  x who didn't deserve me, but I stayed with her because I realized I'm a fiend for someone to love me. (the scenery out the window has now become undecipherable.)  I'm sure that's from neglect issues as a child. Then I broke up with her because I met Kryptonite, and this is very shallow of me and dumb, but I did fall in love with her. (we've begun to shake rigorously and grave events await eagerly.) I told Kryptonite how I felt and told her she was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my entire life. I was still going out with x, but I had already planned to break up the next day. She replied "I don't even know you.. and well let's just leave it at that." She later textd me saying "not to bother because she's still dealing with her ex."  She rejected me; I broke up with x. (the bolts have become loose, the cabin irreparably falls apart but maintains it's structure.) I didn't know a thing about her and I drastically changed my life forever. It was enough for me just to know her personality and looks to give it a chance. Then I met Africa. I was completely un-attracted to her at first. But I gave it a try. (The tracks that follow behind are warped, the wheels that turn are squealing so sharp my ears are near deaf. )She became a deathly parasite that ate me from the inside out. She was a virulent disease that laid dormant until my walls came down. She wanted to be with me. Then we kissed. Then she told me it was wrong, that she couldn't do this to me, she said she was in love with her ex. We talked every day for two weeks. Txting and calling at night till one of us fell asleep. I told her I couldn't get over her, we couldn't be friends. ( I begin to hold my head between my knees as sparks and steam constantly shoot from the now unfitting tracks.) Few days silence. We started to speak again. Weeks thereafter:

Week 1: We became friends, I fell in love, I became drastically depressed, I accepted it.
(Our speed is so great, I fall hard pinned into the back of my seat. Shards of metal and glass shoot from the floor and windows like confetti.)
Week 2: We became friends, I fell in love, I became gravely depressed, I accepted it.
(The acceleration of the train is ten fold from where we began and the g-force is stopping the flow of blood.)
Week 3: We became friends, I fell in love, I became disgustingly depressed, I couldn't accept it.
(We've derailed.  Hurdling at a hypersonic speed; I've begun to black in and out. Intermittently, the world is unbeknown. My body is at the whim of a dwindling fate.)
Week 4: We drank, She cried in my arms over her ex.

Winter Break - She txted me basically saying that I'm an asshole for trying to help her friend. I puss out. My response is half felt when it shouldn't be sensible with care at all.

Additional Catalysts: Getting burned by a random girl, My ex has my passport and is afraid to talk to me, My mum is constantly trying to get x and I together, No outlets, Social ineptness, isolation, boredom, losing my self.

I'm still searching for that light.

Well what do you need me for?

Your my plan-b.

Oh what not good enough for plan-a?

I'm still unsure whether it's healthy to have you, but you have helped me so much.

Acceptable, get some rest work tomorrow.

Holy shit I pussed out.

I just reread the text messages from me and Africa a couple posts back. Wow the fuck was I thinking. I did completely bitch out. Fuck that. Telling someone you made out isn't that big of a problem, and I made it seemed like I committed murder. That's just fucking embarrassing.

The worst part is knowing that's how I really felt. Wow shit I'm glad I told Jobro to slap me next time I ever do shit like that again.

She walked all over me as soon as she saw that I was really upset about it. Walked as in, she knew it was okay to be a little bit harder on me because i showed her that i cared so much about her. It was an unequal conversation. I should not have bent over backwards to please her.

That's giving someone the best of you. Fuck Foo Fighters, couldn't you just telepathically played the song in my head?

The f is wrong with me.

I need to list it out:

What I like About Africa

She's pretty when she wears her glasses
Her smile
Has tattoos
She's different and open minded
She's short
How she knows what she wants.. ( or else really act's like it. )

What I hate about Africa

lions. lol

Her vegan/animal rights ways
Her strong opinions
The way she laughs
How she's ugly
I could never introduce her to my friends
Her blatant arrogance that is unknown to her
How she can't realize things
How two faced she can be
How she isn't really "her"
She hides her emotions
She loves to hear what she wants to
How she cant follow a simple way to live
How she labels how to live life
How she can be ridiculously cold
How she fucks up my life
How "friendly" she is
How she loves "science"
            -She just loves to hear people talk about stupid mindless shit that has no point or significance. Ex.         Tangent and Brody's obsession with philosophy.


HOLY FUCK DID SHE DEACON EFFECT ME?
Why yes, i think she did. She likes you, but than hates you. because-- I'm stopping here this is way too much fucking trouble. Seriously. Look at that huge list of stuff i hate about you.

She doesn't like you. Especially not now. And you've tried and tried for months now. Let it die.

It's 3:30am

Be full. Be happy. Be you.

Stop living in the what if.

What if you had someone
What if you had sex
What if you have so many friends
What if you said every perfect word
What if you were irresistible

Think about what you do have. Stop expecting and stop worrying; time hasn't stopped. Live life, learn to love it, and others will learn to love you.

Sometimes puzzles solve themselves. Go on, each day with eyes open, mind free, and I promise you happiness will be trying to pursue you in envy.


The day after last post sucked shit. The shitty feeling started to wear off and today it was even less. But I still have that feeling creeping in the back of my mind somewhere. I'm still stuck in the what ifs. I forgot how to have fun by myself. I'm not even sure if I knew how to. Video games engulfed me I think. It was so long ago I barely remember.

I think I'm grieving and still coping with breaking up with my ex. It's strange because I don't recognize it. I could be mistaken of course. I've realized I truly hate being alone. The feeling of having someone always there for you and being so utterly happy is disgustingly comforting now. Life was great with her and i know, but it wasn't enough for me and I'm glad i didn't do anything stupid.

Do me at least one favor?

What's that?

Don't fall in love with someone because you want someone to love you. Fall in love because you find each inch of her body beautiful,  because every aspect of her personality makes you cherish her, because you know that with every ounce of your love given, it is returned, in full.

I'll try. I want to. I know it has to be this way, if it isn't, than it isn't love.

What's Next?

I can't stop thinking about what tomorrow will hold. I had music lessons today and played some guitar with Jobro.

I'm worried.
I'm concerned.

I feel like i'm getting in that depressed mood. This time for almost no reason.

I mean i did get burned pretty bad yesterday but i feel like I'm somewhat over it.

Two girls smiled at me today when they noticed me. It lifted my spirits well up.


What the hell do I want? Will I get it? Is it something even attainable? What the hell am I searching for?

I'm lost.

You're lost.

Really?

I feel like that's the theme of the month.

It just very well might be.

So talk to me shit face.

What do you want me to say?

Tell me why you feel in such a way.

Maybe Africa?

You think it's Africa?

Could be..  I mean were not exactly on good standards right now.

That's true, but you should be over her.

I think I am.. It just upsets me knowing were not okay anymore.. like just being around each other.

You don't know that yet, you haven't been around her in a lonnggg fucking time.

True. But i'm just worried that I don't know what it's going to be like when I see her.

What do you think is the best thing to do when you do see her?

I ran it through my head hundreds of times. It goes a little something like this:

Hey Africa, can I talk to you for a second? Look, I really just wanted to apologize again in person

Stop right there, you're trying to make her like you again by proving your self to her. Your not over her.

FUCK. I want to continue

Do you think that's a good idea?

Not really but i feel like it gives me some solace

Well do what makes you happy, but by now you know to be careful when on thin ice.

Hey Africa, can I talk to you for a second? Look, I really just wanted to apologize again in person. I was a complete douche and I really appreciate you as a friend and  I want it to be okay between us. If you want to know how it was brought it up, It was because I noticed how he acted around you. I could tell right off the bat that he liked you and I even asked Tangent and he said "Ohh yeah." I tried to talk to Brody about it and that's when i mentioned that we were kind of together at one point and made out.. I was trying to save him the pain of going through what i went through. I didn't want him to go through the same shit I did.

Haha. I'm a fucking idiot.

Had the most embarassing and biggest regret of my life tonight pretty sure.

summed up in a few words.

"Do we make a good couple?"

Pointing to my guy friend.

The girl just looked at me blankly.

She responds

"I don't even know you guys."

I continue

"But just by the way we look. You know how you can tell if a couple looks good together just by looks alone."

She changed the subject and asked about everyone else.

She walked away.

It gave my friends and my cousin a good show. I said i was glad i did it. And i somewhat am. But i'm not sure if it's worth the embarrassment.

Wonder if that's the worse I'll go through!

I want to laugh but I'm not sure if i can. I'm smiling as i write this because it is somewhat humorous but it still stings to think about the whole idea.

were trying again tomorrow.

Crazy Talk:

REVERSE THE SITUATION!

If she were you and asked you that.

Eh yeah i guess it wouldn't work. But i'd laugh at it at first then get bored of it much like she did.

Well there you go.

Hold on it's hard to accept it. Because seeming so adamant about such a random stupid thing which completely contradicts the whole idea of the thing is getting in the way...

Tomorrow is a new day. The more I accept this the stronger i will be.