I don't know how to start a relationship I'm realizing. How does one begin? I'm at a loss.
Africa options:
a: continue to be whatever we are and enjoy each other.
b: get time to hang out alone with her and ask if she likes me again.
c: accept that she likes me and look to realize why she's no good for me.
d: stop using my brain to figure things out and use Tao to forget all reasons to cry.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Hunger makes me depressed?
As depression crawls from it's crypt to cease my joy
Life becomes ambient noise
I live not through my eyes, my ears, my voice.
My fears grow tall and my soul grows hollow.
I yearn for love.
As it seems to be my only cure all.
Life becomes ambient noise
I live not through my eyes, my ears, my voice.
My fears grow tall and my soul grows hollow.
I yearn for love.
As it seems to be my only cure all.
Devision
Game says, be the prize. Make it seem like you don't care about the girl, and if she comes to you, she comes to you. Make it seem like what your doing is worthwhile, not that you yourself are worthwhile. You don't care about yourself in the sense of proving yourself to them. You do what you know is good and you love, express why that is and they will come to you.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I've lived Tao.
Just looked on face book and got intimidated by people, their friends, their interests and lives. I create need. I broke into disharmony.
My heart skips beat
The world's fingers dig deep.
Harmony is all I seek.
SO let's look at the options. Live life struggling to attain the needs i set for myself, OR drop needs all together and be happy most of my life.
Live life happily by choosing the easier path.
Risk spending long periods of life unhappy by choosing the conventional path.
It seems obvious but it's almost as if I'm living a lie if i choose happiness. But it's not a lie, but it would say a lot about myself. Choosing to never set goals is undeniably equivalent to having all imaginable goals met. The end product is exactly the same.
You are heralded for accomplishing goals, for taking the difficult path to harmony. This is the only connection from happiness in mind to reality..
That paragraph makes me think of my recent outlook on social life and personal decisions. I say to myself, identify goals, and make your way to accomplish them. Without goals, it is pointless to spend time with another. It is awkward time spent, time spent wastefully. Time that could have been spent achieving something. That being said in exception of loving relationships. Time with the one you love is attracted by something deeper than thought.
My heart skips beat
The world's fingers dig deep.
Harmony is all I seek.
SO let's look at the options. Live life struggling to attain the needs i set for myself, OR drop needs all together and be happy most of my life.
Live life happily by choosing the easier path.
Risk spending long periods of life unhappy by choosing the conventional path.
It seems obvious but it's almost as if I'm living a lie if i choose happiness. But it's not a lie, but it would say a lot about myself. Choosing to never set goals is undeniably equivalent to having all imaginable goals met. The end product is exactly the same.
You are heralded for accomplishing goals, for taking the difficult path to harmony. This is the only connection from happiness in mind to reality..
That paragraph makes me think of my recent outlook on social life and personal decisions. I say to myself, identify goals, and make your way to accomplish them. Without goals, it is pointless to spend time with another. It is awkward time spent, time spent wastefully. Time that could have been spent achieving something. That being said in exception of loving relationships. Time with the one you love is attracted by something deeper than thought.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
More criticism
If you overesteem great men,
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.
The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.
Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.
-Some Taoist website.
To be absent needs is to be absent loss. It literally states, practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place. If I use a somewhat eclectic thought to Taoism and my zero theory, it seems to get interesting.
Neither being positive (+) or negative (-) means any hidden context. Meaning, being positive doesn't mean it's a good thing, being negative doesn't make it a bad thing. They could be easily interchanged and it would still have the same value.
As people we set ourselves to have psychological needs. Needs = (-). People = (+). We put our self in the Taoist definition of "disharmony." We struggle everyday to attain our needs or balance, to achieve neutrality.
Example: I love Africa, and she does not want to be with me. I am at constant disharmony.
Need (-): Africa
People (+): Myself
Since I have yet to achieve harmony/neutrality, I am at constant action. My heart yearns to be with her and hurts when I don't do everything in my power to try to be. I stress my self and it does damage. It leaves me in sadness, anger, hate, and utter despair. This is the state of disharmony.
My depression/frustration/emotions that I feel for her could be a gauge to the strength of my pull toward her. The deeper I feel for achieving this need of being with her, the more I hurt (the greater the disharmony.)
Disharmony is also increased by resisting the pull of the two polar sides. I block myself (+) from liking her (-) even though I know she is all I want. This causes all of us a deeper pain, when we walk in a different path that our heart leaves for us.
So Taoism's answer to achieving harmony: Give up all goals, needs, and dreams.
Harmony is harmony. It doesn't matter if I figure out every perfect word to speak to her and she becomes swayed to be with me or if I give up on her and believe there is no need for love.
As the zero theory will forever tell, to be neutral is all we seek.
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.
The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.
Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.
-Some Taoist website.
To be absent needs is to be absent loss. It literally states, practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place. If I use a somewhat eclectic thought to Taoism and my zero theory, it seems to get interesting.
Neither being positive (+) or negative (-) means any hidden context. Meaning, being positive doesn't mean it's a good thing, being negative doesn't make it a bad thing. They could be easily interchanged and it would still have the same value.
As people we set ourselves to have psychological needs. Needs = (-). People = (+). We put our self in the Taoist definition of "disharmony." We struggle everyday to attain our needs or balance, to achieve neutrality.
Example: I love Africa, and she does not want to be with me. I am at constant disharmony.
Need (-): Africa
People (+): Myself
Since I have yet to achieve harmony/neutrality, I am at constant action. My heart yearns to be with her and hurts when I don't do everything in my power to try to be. I stress my self and it does damage. It leaves me in sadness, anger, hate, and utter despair. This is the state of disharmony.
My depression/frustration/emotions that I feel for her could be a gauge to the strength of my pull toward her. The deeper I feel for achieving this need of being with her, the more I hurt (the greater the disharmony.)
Disharmony is also increased by resisting the pull of the two polar sides. I block myself (+) from liking her (-) even though I know she is all I want. This causes all of us a deeper pain, when we walk in a different path that our heart leaves for us.
So Taoism's answer to achieving harmony: Give up all goals, needs, and dreams.
Harmony is harmony. It doesn't matter if I figure out every perfect word to speak to her and she becomes swayed to be with me or if I give up on her and believe there is no need for love.
As the zero theory will forever tell, to be neutral is all we seek.
The Way
I was reading the Tao Te Ching in the library today. It greatly reinforces a theory i had for life i made a while back when i was drunk.
The Zero theory. A fundamental law about science or matter or physics is it? I have no clue. But Positive will always be attracted to Negative. Matter it self inexplicably tries to achieve a balance. When you assign value to positive and negative, it becomes thusly: +1 or -1. This shows a positive and a negative. When combined, they equal zero. Everything tries to achieve zero. I'm fucking exhausted. I can't rationalize.
Taoism overview: Absent mind, absent problems. Goals met are not found in action, but in mind.
The Zero theory. A fundamental law about science or matter or physics is it? I have no clue. But Positive will always be attracted to Negative. Matter it self inexplicably tries to achieve a balance. When you assign value to positive and negative, it becomes thusly: +1 or -1. This shows a positive and a negative. When combined, they equal zero. Everything tries to achieve zero. I'm fucking exhausted. I can't rationalize.
Taoism overview: Absent mind, absent problems. Goals met are not found in action, but in mind.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Oh My Fucking Africa.
Last night at the hospital Africa was all ears for me. She flipped some crazy fucking switch in her head and now all she wants is something to do with me. She stares at me expectantly. I would catch her looking at me like I was a juicy steak after 2 weeks of fasting. When questioned she only answers I don't know. She teased me, joked with me, walked with me. What the hell? A sudden break in the path.
Prior to this the last 4 weeks she always confined herself from me. Hiding, trying to avoid me to make sure that we wouldn't have a connection. Maybe she thinks that I don't like her anymore. I know that has to be it. Unless for some reason she feels like it's okay to like me again
Africa thinks I don't like her:
1. I told her about Bell giving me the creeps
2. I don't look at her like I used too
3. I don't treat her like she's everything I have
Africa likes me:
1. I started doing yoga
2. I told her I'm starting to read into Taoism
3. I love acting class
Fate will let us all know, I'm sure.
Prior to this the last 4 weeks she always confined herself from me. Hiding, trying to avoid me to make sure that we wouldn't have a connection. Maybe she thinks that I don't like her anymore. I know that has to be it. Unless for some reason she feels like it's okay to like me again
Africa thinks I don't like her:
1. I told her about Bell giving me the creeps
2. I don't look at her like I used too
3. I don't treat her like she's everything I have
Africa likes me:
1. I started doing yoga
2. I told her I'm starting to read into Taoism
3. I love acting class
Fate will let us all know, I'm sure.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Running blind.
i realized im becoming prone to lying to myself. i need to find rest. i need to be at a balance once more.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Life several
Before Fearless showed up and prior to class, there was a mind fuck of problems shared between my classmates and I.
First-mate, acting class friend, just found out he could have cancer. He got a pretty bad staph infection that could be systemic. His grandfather had Hodgkins lymphoma and he might have the same. Hope he'll be alright. I call him first-mate because hes one of the only people who seems to know how I work and what I find funny. We could be best friends I figure.
X-boy, acting class friend, just broke up with his girlfriend. Well she broke up with him. He was devastated. They went out for 4 years, hence the identical X in X-boy. He cried infront of us and I hope we made him feel alright and not so embarrassed. He tried to hold it back. He opened up by asking me if i ever had a long term relationship. I told him hell yeah 4 years laughing. Hope I helped by talking about my experiences with it.
Young-blood, acting class female friend, just found out she was pregnant for 6 weeks. She seemed apprehensive speaking to us. I wanted to ask if it was planned. She took the words out of my mouth and said it wasn't. She was happy that they were having it but wasn't because she and her husband weren't planning for it. Don't remember how long they were married.. The more outstanding numerical value is that the husband is 12 years older than young-blood and she's only 20. They met when she was 19 I'm pretty sure.
Dopamine, acting class friend, dislocated his elbow during the weekend skiing.
All this was found out in about a 30 minute window. Pretty ridiculous Hah. Best of luck to all of them, Fate have mercy.
First-mate, acting class friend, just found out he could have cancer. He got a pretty bad staph infection that could be systemic. His grandfather had Hodgkins lymphoma and he might have the same. Hope he'll be alright. I call him first-mate because hes one of the only people who seems to know how I work and what I find funny. We could be best friends I figure.
X-boy, acting class friend, just broke up with his girlfriend. Well she broke up with him. He was devastated. They went out for 4 years, hence the identical X in X-boy. He cried infront of us and I hope we made him feel alright and not so embarrassed. He tried to hold it back. He opened up by asking me if i ever had a long term relationship. I told him hell yeah 4 years laughing. Hope I helped by talking about my experiences with it.
Young-blood, acting class female friend, just found out she was pregnant for 6 weeks. She seemed apprehensive speaking to us. I wanted to ask if it was planned. She took the words out of my mouth and said it wasn't. She was happy that they were having it but wasn't because she and her husband weren't planning for it. Don't remember how long they were married.. The more outstanding numerical value is that the husband is 12 years older than young-blood and she's only 20. They met when she was 19 I'm pretty sure.
Dopamine, acting class friend, dislocated his elbow during the weekend skiing.
All this was found out in about a 30 minute window. Pretty ridiculous Hah. Best of luck to all of them, Fate have mercy.
Conclusion: Fearless is ...
Selfish
Self-fulfilled
Ungrateful
Misunderstanding
Blind
Rough
Cold
Callused
Well needless to say, shit turned sour. Acting class was today, where she sat in front of me. I asked her how the play was:
Our protagonist: How was the play?
Fearless: Alright
Our protagonist: Just alright huh? nothing special?
Fearless: Nope
After we had our conversation, I was called out of the room for some exercise to where I had to guess my profession.The rest of the night followed with avoided eye contact, ignorant bliss, and I surprisingly wasn't all that hurt. I debated whether or not to confront fearless saying:
You know if you don't like me you could just say so and that'd be it. (in a laughing manner)
I concluded that it might be too much to put her through. I mean if she thought i was creepy, i didn't want to exacerbate our relationship or whatever it is any further. I felt that it wouldn't have mattered if i told her that. I'd end up exactly where I was if not worse.
The main point of me saying that was so we could just be friends. I questioned if that was how i truly felt. I didn't know the answer.
The mind will think what it chooses.
Self-fulfilled
Ungrateful
Misunderstanding
Blind
Rough
Cold
Callused
Well needless to say, shit turned sour. Acting class was today, where she sat in front of me. I asked her how the play was:
Our protagonist: How was the play?
Fearless: Alright
Our protagonist: Just alright huh? nothing special?
Fearless: Nope
After we had our conversation, I was called out of the room for some exercise to where I had to guess my profession.The rest of the night followed with avoided eye contact, ignorant bliss, and I surprisingly wasn't all that hurt. I debated whether or not to confront fearless saying:
You know if you don't like me you could just say so and that'd be it. (in a laughing manner)
I concluded that it might be too much to put her through. I mean if she thought i was creepy, i didn't want to exacerbate our relationship or whatever it is any further. I felt that it wouldn't have mattered if i told her that. I'd end up exactly where I was if not worse.
The main point of me saying that was so we could just be friends. I questioned if that was how i truly felt. I didn't know the answer.
The mind will think what it chooses.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Stability
Gotten some stability finally and it feels damn good.
Mirror trick works the greatest.
Latest dialogue pushed me off the edge:
Our protagonist: And how might you be this day?
30 minutes later
Our protagonist: Gasp! You must of choked on your tongue last night
Too bad I don't know where your body is so I could steal your ticket for the play tonight
10 minutes later
Fearless: Well thats too bad cus i'm taking my girlfriend
Wait what lol that doesn't make any sense
Good
Alright.. lol.. I'm debating whether or not to go tonight, got out of work early
4 hours later, 1 hour past the play opening
blogger.com/start
Conclusion:
bitches gonna hate. I don't feel like writing.
Mirror trick works the greatest.
Latest dialogue pushed me off the edge:
Our protagonist: And how might you be this day?
30 minutes later
Our protagonist: Gasp! You must of choked on your tongue last night
Too bad I don't know where your body is so I could steal your ticket for the play tonight
10 minutes later
Fearless: Well thats too bad cus i'm taking my girlfriend
Wait what lol that doesn't make any sense
Good
Alright.. lol.. I'm debating whether or not to go tonight, got out of work early
4 hours later, 1 hour past the play opening
blogger.com/start
Conclusion:
bitches gonna hate. I don't feel like writing.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Dialogue Day After: Not only pilots can pull up.
Mid-day
Fearless: I sleep a lot
Our protagonist: Oo? Can't blame you naps are awesome
Fearless: I dont think i meant to say that lol
The text you just sent me or the "Not anymore" last night bitch...
Our protagonist: What lol? Well maybe you need more sleep than
So what you up too?
(Pandora pulls through, QOTSA: Make it Wit Chu.)
Babysitting lol I prob do need some sleep
Ah nice how old? I'm terrified of kids could never babysit
Like 4 months. I think the kids are just scared of you
Lol no i'm terrified because for some reason kids love me idk why
Like Pivot's sister's 4 year old is always asking for me and wants to show me everything
How are you related to her again?
My cousins wife
Cus i'm babysitting Pivot's cousin's cousin lol
Haha that's crazy leave my estranged family alone
There more my family!
Still got you beat by marriage lol
Write anything awesome yesterday?
No I have you beat by living 2 doors down!
Lol alright alright i guess you got me beat I've never really even seen Pivot's first cousins
Their like her 3rd cousins or something like that
Ah so how come no awesome writing yesterday? Didn't you have creative writing
Yeah i missed it lol I slept too late
Wow you do love sleeping lol
Haha told ya
Before you sleep if you aren't already lol tell me something you love
im not going to sleep for a while why something i love?lol
Cause! and oh whys that?
Cus i slept enough today
Sounds like a disturbed circadian rhythm
I think I tried to wow her with my sub-nursing skills haha.. i know i'm pathetic- i regretted sending the text. She didn't know what something was when i spoke to her earlier that week that i thought was pretty basic so it's hard to gauge what non-medical student people know.
Probably but i'll survive.
I'm still waiting for something you love
Why? Ketchup
Ketchup?
Yup i eat it with everything
Haha awesome
I'm asking because I feel like I barely know anything about you lol
Yeah you prob don't lol
So start talking punk
Give me a highlight reel lol
Break in conversation. 5 minutes past
Ok I just had a baby
Re-reading this it's pretty obvious she's fucking with me. But had you known her the way i did, she's utterly sarcastic and too F'n used to it. Meeting her the first time, half the information she said was full of shit, all just to mess with me.
Actually wait wait what lol?
Yep
Completely believing her every word, I debated a relationship with her. Result; she better have a damn good personality. Lol.
Huh. Lol wait can I call you instead of txting?
Huh might be a little offensive if she was telling the truth i thought.
I mean that huh in like an ah really kind of way lol
Im jus kidding theres no baby! Hahahaha
haha your fucked up
I hate you
The "haha" came out completely unwanted lol.. I prefered it said "your fucked up""I hate you lol"
I had you going for a lil sucka
So can I call you or what?
Never!
Completely sick of her sarcasm, I called immediately.
And thus the world birthed such a moment to where my mind was forced into regression from memory. It was a fucking disaster. She tried to make sarcastic jokes i couldn't pick up. I made her laugh somehow saying "you know how hard it is to pick up on someone's sarcasm for the first time meeting them?" Her voice was monotonous, emotionless. I couldn't understand it. Every word she speaks seems like a word she could have equally spent talking about how she does her laundry, fucking un-cared for. On top of the monstrous problems of misconnection, our phones were fucking horrible. My speaker sucked shit, she spoke to quietly. Her speaker sucked shit or my microphone couldn't pick up anything. It end up with me saying I don't think this is going to work, txt me text me text text text.
Couldn't make out half of anything you just said
Same
How the fuck can you respond in such a nonchalant cavalier kind of fucking way? I'm shitting bricks over here shooting beads of sweat faster than bullets worried about how awkward that was and you just spit out a single fucking word: "Same"
With the malevolent and fucking insidious idea of how she expresses the way she cares about me through the tone of her voice; I wanted a clear cut answer of attraction from her. I sufficed with:
So you still want to try to hang out this week?
Idk i feel like this week is really busy... Sowwy
: \
I don't believe this shit. Fate knows i want to. Only the Bizzaro-Schrodinger truly knows.
Fearless: I sleep a lot
Our protagonist: Oo? Can't blame you naps are awesome
Fearless: I dont think i meant to say that lol
The text you just sent me or the "Not anymore" last night bitch...
Our protagonist: What lol? Well maybe you need more sleep than
So what you up too?
(Pandora pulls through, QOTSA: Make it Wit Chu.)
Babysitting lol I prob do need some sleep
Ah nice how old? I'm terrified of kids could never babysit
Like 4 months. I think the kids are just scared of you
Lol no i'm terrified because for some reason kids love me idk why
Like Pivot's sister's 4 year old is always asking for me and wants to show me everything
How are you related to her again?
My cousins wife
Cus i'm babysitting Pivot's cousin's cousin lol
Haha that's crazy leave my estranged family alone
There more my family!
Still got you beat by marriage lol
Write anything awesome yesterday?
No I have you beat by living 2 doors down!
Lol alright alright i guess you got me beat I've never really even seen Pivot's first cousins
Their like her 3rd cousins or something like that
Ah so how come no awesome writing yesterday? Didn't you have creative writing
Yeah i missed it lol I slept too late
Wow you do love sleeping lol
Haha told ya
Before you sleep if you aren't already lol tell me something you love
im not going to sleep for a while why something i love?lol
Cause! and oh whys that?
Cus i slept enough today
Sounds like a disturbed circadian rhythm
I think I tried to wow her with my sub-nursing skills haha.. i know i'm pathetic- i regretted sending the text. She didn't know what something was when i spoke to her earlier that week that i thought was pretty basic so it's hard to gauge what non-medical student people know.
Probably but i'll survive.
I'm still waiting for something you love
Why? Ketchup
Ketchup?
Yup i eat it with everything
Haha awesome
I'm asking because I feel like I barely know anything about you lol
Yeah you prob don't lol
So start talking punk
Give me a highlight reel lol
Break in conversation. 5 minutes past
Ok I just had a baby
Re-reading this it's pretty obvious she's fucking with me. But had you known her the way i did, she's utterly sarcastic and too F'n used to it. Meeting her the first time, half the information she said was full of shit, all just to mess with me.
Actually wait wait what lol?
Yep
Completely believing her every word, I debated a relationship with her. Result; she better have a damn good personality. Lol.
Huh. Lol wait can I call you instead of txting?
Huh might be a little offensive if she was telling the truth i thought.
I mean that huh in like an ah really kind of way lol
Im jus kidding theres no baby! Hahahaha
haha your fucked up
I hate you
The "haha" came out completely unwanted lol.. I prefered it said "your fucked up""I hate you lol"
I had you going for a lil sucka
So can I call you or what?
Never!
Completely sick of her sarcasm, I called immediately.
And thus the world birthed such a moment to where my mind was forced into regression from memory. It was a fucking disaster. She tried to make sarcastic jokes i couldn't pick up. I made her laugh somehow saying "you know how hard it is to pick up on someone's sarcasm for the first time meeting them?" Her voice was monotonous, emotionless. I couldn't understand it. Every word she speaks seems like a word she could have equally spent talking about how she does her laundry, fucking un-cared for. On top of the monstrous problems of misconnection, our phones were fucking horrible. My speaker sucked shit, she spoke to quietly. Her speaker sucked shit or my microphone couldn't pick up anything. It end up with me saying I don't think this is going to work, txt me text me text text text.
Couldn't make out half of anything you just said
Same
How the fuck can you respond in such a nonchalant cavalier kind of fucking way? I'm shitting bricks over here shooting beads of sweat faster than bullets worried about how awkward that was and you just spit out a single fucking word: "Same"
With the malevolent and fucking insidious idea of how she expresses the way she cares about me through the tone of her voice; I wanted a clear cut answer of attraction from her. I sufficed with:
So you still want to try to hang out this week?
Idk i feel like this week is really busy... Sowwy
: \
I don't believe this shit. Fate knows i want to. Only the Bizzaro-Schrodinger truly knows.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Poetic
With every fucking moment of silence
You stick your hook in farther
Ripping from shoulder to thigh
You gut me like a fish
I speak like a fuck
Because I havent spoken in years
Ill find myself when I find my heart
I just hope you know yourself
Because i'm ready for you to show it
I admit I think im in over my head
As a creature of habit
My heart is on the guillotine for an extra slice
Italics make shit expressive or indicate an implied idea through subtext
Lets see where this goes Fate.
Ill ask if i should ask you and take it from there.
You stick your hook in farther
Ripping from shoulder to thigh
You gut me like a fish
I speak like a fuck
Because I havent spoken in years
Ill find myself when I find my heart
I just hope you know yourself
Because i'm ready for you to show it
I admit I think im in over my head
As a creature of habit
My heart is on the guillotine for an extra slice
Italics make shit expressive or indicate an implied idea through subtext
Lets see where this goes Fate.
Ill ask if i should ask you and take it from there.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
A valentine has never been so confusing.
Alright i know I've been outta the game for 4 years and didn't even have game before those four years but fuck.
I'm confused as mother fucker.
As i awkwardly left the car on valentine night, i asked her for her number and i punched it in. Nerves usually get the best of me, and that's not to hard considering when I'm 99.9% nerves. I called her and honestly cant remember what happened but told her to text me. She was supposed to have gotten the call. and then put it in her phone.
Dialogue:
hey you got my number right..!? I remember calling.. but i don't know if you got it lol
I didnt but now i do lol
Awesome sorry! yeah idk. I thought it went through or something and uh yeah lol i guess i blacked out or something.
Drunk bitch! Blacking out everywhere ...
Lol well maybe I like to blackout sometimes did you ever think of that?
I didnt but dont rely on me to carry yo uaround
Not even a little? Fine I'll just choke to death on my own tongue when I lay back
And than I'll definitely come back and haunt you if you didn't end up telling me when you were free this week
Ok i'll try to turn you on your stomach
Perfect!
Can you really choke on your tongue
Hah yeah it's the number one cause of airway obstruction after surgery
So I can go to sleep tonight and choke on my tongue
Be very afraid
Lol yeah idk I guess you can never thought of that.
(off timing) Is that a threat
Well if i don't wake up tomorrow you know why
Hahah alright I think your odds are good though seem to have made it this far
I have a question! did you ever see Spartacus on stars?
Distaste
(off timing) True true
I dont know what your talking about but i like the sound of it
Lol.. it's a show about gladiators in Rome and it's just constant awesome for an hour straight but
I was hoping you knew cause I was arguing with Staten and she was saying all this crazy shit about what
happened and bet me 20 bucks that some guy died
No never heard of it but some guy does die
Bullshit!
I swear!
Cereal or toaster strudel?
What kind of cereal
Grr supposed to be lucky charms but someone at it and also stole my tony flakes
So maybeee frosted flakes
Starve
Yeah
What I'm skinny as shit already I can't starve
I'll eat an old can of expired beans behind the fridge before I'll let myself starve
Cereal it is!
Ew lol
Lol awesome oh and let me know if i'm keeping you up! I probably won't stop talking
if you keep txting
So far so good
So tell me something awesome
Wait!
Actually I'll tell you a story that's pretty crazy and then you have to come up with something in response
and it has to be true
K? lol
I've been thinking about punching myself in the face for everytime i said "lol" in this conversation
Doesnt have to be now but whenever
Ok. Hows the cereal
Rediculously delicious
Wow i didn't get half your texts til just now
Shit sorry yeah service in my room is like a blackhole for signal
Haha how about that story
Kk
So there's these chain of islands off of japan where there was several volcanic eruptions for decades and eventually it turned the air into mostly sulfur and is completely poisonous and uninhabitable. Until some crazy Japanese people decided to live there after being paid for scientific research. They lived wearing gas masks most their lives and worked somehow ate and slept.
A four year old could put a sentence far better than I ever could.
Lol and yeah was gonna send a better one.. I wrote it all out but realized it was actually super morbid and didn't want you to think i was creepy or whatever.
Happily ever after. Did you just make that up?
Nope it's all true
Its cool your creepy or something anyway
Aw what? lol
it's called mijakejima island or islands
google it punk
I think it's like habitable today though
Muahaha
I like the sound of that
Maybe ill go there and itll be my new not so natural habitat
I'm starting to think she's a little more weirder than i originally thought.
Lol interesting
So got a story!?
Nothing can beat that...
I'm sure theres something crazy out there you can tell me
You agreed to it so you have to
!
There are tiny people living in every pillow case. At night they sneak in your ear and go into your dreams to keep monsters away. But sometimes they get tired or sick from keeping away the monsters and hafta take a rest. So sometimes the monsters do you get ya :(
Lol well that explains why i get nightmares just punched myself in the face when i wear my earmuffs to sleep but! i still want a true story
Like I said doesnt have to be now!
God why the fuck am i so fucking happy sounding.
Ok did you know hitler had a pee fetish? When he has sex he wants his gf to pee on him
Haha what the f? and I was worried i'd be creepy
Lol is that true?
Ah txts stopped sending
Hahahaha
Yep
Yeah i got like 2 million of each text
Yeah sorry my friend always yells at me cause of that i think i mentioned how my phone sucks shit. Least you'll know its me because you'll hear a thousand text messages
Hahahaha i thought i wasnt responding fast enough lol
Haha no my phone just has tourettes or something
Lol make sure you turn it on its stomach so it doesn't choke on its tongue
Will do lol that was definitely a crazy story though ill tell you the one I had originally when I see you
So what you doing up this late may i ask?
Otay
Nothing kinda just laying here lol
Lol if you want to sleep say so I gotta soon gotta wake up 9 to get my ass back to college
Soon to*
"TOO" YOU FUCK!
Same I guess ill jus talk tomorrow
Guess? Well I guess i'll answer lol alright gnight
Oh and don't forget to try not to cover your ears don't want monsters coming into your dreams
Confidence strong, little bit confused but good after endgame reviewed.
3:27 PM
Me, What are you doing tomorrow?
5:26 PM
Working all day :(
I didnt get that pillow case text til this morning thanks for the warning
9:01 PM
Bummer alright sorry for super long wait was in class
Its cool i was too before
Heres where I wish I continued speaking, but decided to try and play hard to get/less desperate
10:38 PM
Sleeping!?
10:41 PM
I'll take that as a yes
Pause. See that sharp object? yeah it's coming for you. Anddd
Not anymore
Boom. Stagger to your feet and recover
You sleep to early lol alright
Night
I said stagger not grab the closest object and smash your face into it.
I feel like the entire situation started off on the wrong foot. A foot I never thought I had, after i woke up after being comatose for 3 decades, that lost all circulation from the weird angle it was laying in. I'll need to write out the why I should be jamming this in event in a far dark place in my mind and why I shouldn't give a shit.
I'm confused as mother fucker.
As i awkwardly left the car on valentine night, i asked her for her number and i punched it in. Nerves usually get the best of me, and that's not to hard considering when I'm 99.9% nerves. I called her and honestly cant remember what happened but told her to text me. She was supposed to have gotten the call. and then put it in her phone.
Dialogue:
hey you got my number right..!? I remember calling.. but i don't know if you got it lol
I didnt but now i do lol
Awesome sorry! yeah idk. I thought it went through or something and uh yeah lol i guess i blacked out or something.
Drunk bitch! Blacking out everywhere ...
Lol well maybe I like to blackout sometimes did you ever think of that?
I didnt but dont rely on me to carry yo uaround
Not even a little? Fine I'll just choke to death on my own tongue when I lay back
And than I'll definitely come back and haunt you if you didn't end up telling me when you were free this week
Ok i'll try to turn you on your stomach
Perfect!
Can you really choke on your tongue
Hah yeah it's the number one cause of airway obstruction after surgery
So I can go to sleep tonight and choke on my tongue
Be very afraid
Lol yeah idk I guess you can never thought of that.
(off timing) Is that a threat
Well if i don't wake up tomorrow you know why
Hahah alright I think your odds are good though seem to have made it this far
I have a question! did you ever see Spartacus on stars?
Distaste
(off timing) True true
I dont know what your talking about but i like the sound of it
Lol.. it's a show about gladiators in Rome and it's just constant awesome for an hour straight but
I was hoping you knew cause I was arguing with Staten and she was saying all this crazy shit about what
happened and bet me 20 bucks that some guy died
No never heard of it but some guy does die
Bullshit!
I swear!
Cereal or toaster strudel?
What kind of cereal
Grr supposed to be lucky charms but someone at it and also stole my tony flakes
So maybeee frosted flakes
Starve
Yeah
What I'm skinny as shit already I can't starve
I'll eat an old can of expired beans behind the fridge before I'll let myself starve
Cereal it is!
Ew lol
Lol awesome oh and let me know if i'm keeping you up! I probably won't stop talking
if you keep txting
So far so good
So tell me something awesome
Wait!
Actually I'll tell you a story that's pretty crazy and then you have to come up with something in response
and it has to be true
K? lol
I've been thinking about punching myself in the face for everytime i said "lol" in this conversation
Doesnt have to be now but whenever
Ok. Hows the cereal
Rediculously delicious
Wow i didn't get half your texts til just now
Shit sorry yeah service in my room is like a blackhole for signal
Haha how about that story
Kk
So there's these chain of islands off of japan where there was several volcanic eruptions for decades and eventually it turned the air into mostly sulfur and is completely poisonous and uninhabitable. Until some crazy Japanese people decided to live there after being paid for scientific research. They lived wearing gas masks most their lives and worked somehow ate and slept.
A four year old could put a sentence far better than I ever could.
Lol and yeah was gonna send a better one.. I wrote it all out but realized it was actually super morbid and didn't want you to think i was creepy or whatever.
Happily ever after. Did you just make that up?
Nope it's all true
Its cool your creepy or something anyway
Aw what? lol
it's called mijakejima island or islands
google it punk
I think it's like habitable today though
Muahaha
I like the sound of that
Maybe ill go there and itll be my new not so natural habitat
I'm starting to think she's a little more weirder than i originally thought.
Lol interesting
So got a story!?
Nothing can beat that...
I'm sure theres something crazy out there you can tell me
You agreed to it so you have to
!
There are tiny people living in every pillow case. At night they sneak in your ear and go into your dreams to keep monsters away. But sometimes they get tired or sick from keeping away the monsters and hafta take a rest. So sometimes the monsters do you get ya :(
Lol well that explains why i get nightmares just punched myself in the face when i wear my earmuffs to sleep but! i still want a true story
Like I said doesnt have to be now!
God why the fuck am i so fucking happy sounding.
Ok did you know hitler had a pee fetish? When he has sex he wants his gf to pee on him
Haha what the f? and I was worried i'd be creepy
Lol is that true?
Ah txts stopped sending
Hahahaha
Yep
Yeah i got like 2 million of each text
Yeah sorry my friend always yells at me cause of that i think i mentioned how my phone sucks shit. Least you'll know its me because you'll hear a thousand text messages
Hahahaha i thought i wasnt responding fast enough lol
Haha no my phone just has tourettes or something
Lol make sure you turn it on its stomach so it doesn't choke on its tongue
Will do lol that was definitely a crazy story though ill tell you the one I had originally when I see you
So what you doing up this late may i ask?
Otay
Nothing kinda just laying here lol
Lol if you want to sleep say so I gotta soon gotta wake up 9 to get my ass back to college
Soon to*
"TOO" YOU FUCK!
Same I guess ill jus talk tomorrow
Guess? Well I guess i'll answer lol alright gnight
Oh and don't forget to try not to cover your ears don't want monsters coming into your dreams
Confidence strong, little bit confused but good after endgame reviewed.
3:27 PM
Me, What are you doing tomorrow?
5:26 PM
Working all day :(
I didnt get that pillow case text til this morning thanks for the warning
9:01 PM
Bummer alright sorry for super long wait was in class
Its cool i was too before
Heres where I wish I continued speaking, but decided to try and play hard to get/less desperate
10:38 PM
Sleeping!?
10:41 PM
I'll take that as a yes
Pause. See that sharp object? yeah it's coming for you. Anddd
Not anymore
Boom. Stagger to your feet and recover
You sleep to early lol alright
Night
I said stagger not grab the closest object and smash your face into it.
I feel like the entire situation started off on the wrong foot. A foot I never thought I had, after i woke up after being comatose for 3 decades, that lost all circulation from the weird angle it was laying in. I'll need to write out the why I should be jamming this in event in a far dark place in my mind and why I shouldn't give a shit.
A valentine was never so brave.
I played matt and kim, she knew it.
We talked and she was really awesome.
I asked her to be my valentine, she said yes and i loved it.
First time I ever asked a girl her number. And I'm about 80% sure i was creepy.
We talked and she was really awesome.
I asked her to be my valentine, she said yes and i loved it.
First time I ever asked a girl her number. And I'm about 80% sure i was creepy.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Finding Courage (Not in the form of liquid.)
Tomorrow's valentines day, and it's the first in 4 years that I've spent it alone. I was a pretty shit valentine from what I could remember. I was paralyzed by the horror of not having it be perfect. So I never tried. I should remind myself and set it in my mind that it is better to have tried than to have never tried at all.
I look forward to seeing Fearless and hopefully doing something I don't know what... anything to try and get us together.. I mean I want to try and start something with her don't I?
Hm well shit that was an unexpected occurrence. I'm feel like I'm finally learning an unspoken language we all silently speak.
I daydreamed all week playing the piano for her.. Even though that's kind of creepy haha. Running scenarios through my head..
As fearless leaves the room,
"hey, wait up!"
she turns around.
"Do you know a song.. called daylight by matt and kim?"
Variable 1:
"Yeah I think so."
"Come here, I've been trying to practice it all week could you tell me if it's any good?"
Walk over to pianos.
Play the song...
"So how was it?! I've only been playing like a week."
Variable 1a
"That was actually pretty good!"
"Good, i'm glad you liked it. So do you play any instruments or what not?"
Variable 1b
"Ehh.. I think I picked it up."
"..Well i'm still really learning i guess. Any requests for next week? Hah."
Variable 2:
"Nope, never heard of them."
"Well fuck, never mind than."
I'm not going to do anything I know is uncomfortable, not matter how much I want it.
I look forward to seeing Fearless and hopefully doing something I don't know what... anything to try and get us together.. I mean I want to try and start something with her don't I?
Hm well shit that was an unexpected occurrence. I'm feel like I'm finally learning an unspoken language we all silently speak.
I daydreamed all week playing the piano for her.. Even though that's kind of creepy haha. Running scenarios through my head..
As fearless leaves the room,
"hey, wait up!"
she turns around.
"Do you know a song.. called daylight by matt and kim?"
Variable 1:
"Yeah I think so."
"Come here, I've been trying to practice it all week could you tell me if it's any good?"
Walk over to pianos.
Play the song...
"So how was it?! I've only been playing like a week."
Variable 1a
"That was actually pretty good!"
"Good, i'm glad you liked it. So do you play any instruments or what not?"
Variable 1b
"Ehh.. I think I picked it up."
"..Well i'm still really learning i guess. Any requests for next week? Hah."
Variable 2:
"Nope, never heard of them."
"Well fuck, never mind than."
I'm not going to do anything I know is uncomfortable, not matter how much I want it.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Keep trying shitface.
I've looked far to long for you. Everyday I see you walking between the spaces of a fence. At night, I stay awake to wonder if we will truly meet. This fence with gaps so small steals my hope. I see nothing beside where I stand. I walk aimlessly following the dream of grasping your hand.
Death of Acceptance
Wrote this in my phone today as I realized I have yet to move a single inch forward since I fucked up with something a while back.
Exist
it's time to begin
Life has shown you no mercy
feel no remorse for
things that never come
take no thought
Of the state of balance
You waste your life
at the consent of others
take from the world
as much as you have given
Stop before you lose breath and soul.
Reformed:
Taking breath
release it's grip
Knowing no mercy,
deny it's direction.
Make no remorse for
things that never come
take no thought
which way the moon faces
You've wasted life
at the consent of others
Take from the world
as much as you have given
Take action, with open eyes
Close the door where
the leaves crawl
Cease yourself
or lose breath and all.
eh sounds like shit but ill get better
Exist
it's time to begin
Life has shown you no mercy
feel no remorse for
things that never come
take no thought
Of the state of balance
You waste your life
at the consent of others
take from the world
as much as you have given
Stop before you lose breath and soul.
Reformed:
Taking breath
release it's grip
Knowing no mercy,
deny it's direction.
Make no remorse for
things that never come
take no thought
which way the moon faces
You've wasted life
at the consent of others
Take from the world
as much as you have given
Take action, with open eyes
Close the door where
the leaves crawl
Cease yourself
or lose breath and all.
eh sounds like shit but ill get better
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Awesome lyrics.
Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head?
And does he sing to you incessantly from the space between your bed and wall?
Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes?
Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.
Oh, does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched
and does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much?
Just txted Africa the names of some songs I was mentioning to her earlier. she responded in awkward
"Okay awesome"
I really didn't care. I wanted to tell her the songs because she mentioned she wanted to listen to them. Not really mentioned but implied through the way she spoke.
A good measure of living well is to see if you pause after you write the words "because."
I mixed reasons up with the emotions I still regretfully have for her. The original reason was what was just written, but it turned into: because i want to know her opinion and make her life better by showing her awesome music. I wanted to show her who i am (hopefully cool and independent) by the music i listen to. -wow that's prettyyyy fucking lame hahah.
Anyways, I think I'm growing some fucking skin. I feel like the last few months I've been walking around with open burn wounds covering my entire body. I'm finally getting a grasp of life again.
I choose to live by not dwelling in the problems I have now; problems I know won't be fixed at this moment of my life. I'm constantly putting pressure and stress on myself to figure out all my problems at once instead of taking time to let myself rest and gain composure before trying to figure out how to work them out.
I'm starting to gain focus. I've been realizing I'm spending most my time inside my head rather than outside of it.
I'm giving my mind a break. I'm turning the off switch and blocking all stressful problems.
Tomorrow I'm going to study intensively.
And does he sing to you incessantly from the space between your bed and wall?
Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes?
Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.
Oh, does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched
and does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much?
Just txted Africa the names of some songs I was mentioning to her earlier. she responded in awkward
"Okay awesome"
I really didn't care. I wanted to tell her the songs because she mentioned she wanted to listen to them. Not really mentioned but implied through the way she spoke.
A good measure of living well is to see if you pause after you write the words "because."
I mixed reasons up with the emotions I still regretfully have for her. The original reason was what was just written, but it turned into: because i want to know her opinion and make her life better by showing her awesome music. I wanted to show her who i am (hopefully cool and independent) by the music i listen to. -wow that's prettyyyy fucking lame hahah.
Anyways, I think I'm growing some fucking skin. I feel like the last few months I've been walking around with open burn wounds covering my entire body. I'm finally getting a grasp of life again.
I choose to live by not dwelling in the problems I have now; problems I know won't be fixed at this moment of my life. I'm constantly putting pressure and stress on myself to figure out all my problems at once instead of taking time to let myself rest and gain composure before trying to figure out how to work them out.
I'm starting to gain focus. I've been realizing I'm spending most my time inside my head rather than outside of it.
I'm giving my mind a break. I'm turning the off switch and blocking all stressful problems.
Tomorrow I'm going to study intensively.
gasp
sweet acquiescence. Ive never breathed so deep. never collapsed my chest so far to where i cannot breathe. slow, i exist. paralyzed in full, i lay.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Poem/Short Story - of X. It's missing it's bones.
I didn't mean this to end sad or be about X, but it was something that just sort of showed face.
Infatuation
As beauty of flower
falls to ground-
A boy took chance.
To be forever broken,
Or led to true romance
He knew despite it's fortune,
Fate will blow a kiss-
With Love embraced,
Rejection dismissed.
He dared to be brave
Holding breath
He spoke.
Quick to love,
My back is for your feet.
Loyal until death
No other can compete.
Knowing not myself,
I will do what you say fair,
I carry no burdens,
Only ones you cannot bear.
Standing in utter emotion
He could not bear silence.
Doubt grew in his mind.
We are forever destine!
A flower would never tell lie.
Silly boy,
A flower cannot speak.
I will not love water
as you show to be.
You are without container,
formless to me.
These are words he wish he heard.
Spoken
ever quietly.
Masked by words poised
They imagined carefully.
From that day
Senescence be their wish.
Until he realized,
Life was missed.
Holding his arms open
He wish she struck
To remove her from
mind, to relieve him
from time
She cried for days,
Scratching his walls
As he stares.
His doors stay close,
as loneliness now knows.
Her scent left his pillow,
His bed grew cold.
This was his choice.
And now he grows old.
Infatuation
As beauty of flower
falls to ground-
A boy took chance.
To be forever broken,
Or led to true romance
He knew despite it's fortune,
Fate will blow a kiss-
With Love embraced,
Rejection dismissed.
He dared to be brave
Holding breath
He spoke.
Quick to love,
My back is for your feet.
Loyal until death
No other can compete.
Knowing not myself,
I will do what you say fair,
I carry no burdens,
Only ones you cannot bear.
Standing in utter emotion
He could not bear silence.
Doubt grew in his mind.
We are forever destine!
A flower would never tell lie.
Silly boy,
A flower cannot speak.
I will not love water
as you show to be.
You are without container,
formless to me.
These are words he wish he heard.
Spoken
ever quietly.
Masked by words poised
They imagined carefully.
From that day
Senescence be their wish.
Until he realized,
Life was missed.
Holding his arms open
He wish she struck
To remove her from
mind, to relieve him
from time
She cried for days,
Scratching his walls
As he stares.
His doors stay close,
as loneliness now knows.
Her scent left his pillow,
His bed grew cold.
This was his choice.
And now he grows old.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
A thought controls without consent
I'm realizing that I'm feeling in such a shit mood because I'm constantly focusing on poor turning of events. Constantly thinking of worst case scenarios and focusing on the pain it'll bring.
I'm starting to get some social life going on and I'm absolutely loving it. I love my friends and would do anything for them. But I don't know if they'd call me a friend. Hm.
Adrina showed me something her boyfriend wrote, and it was nothing short of fucking spectacular. She also showed me some of her poetry and it was really.. I can't find the words on how to describe it. It was more then entertaining, more than refreshing. It was on a farther level of pleasing. I'm racking my brain to figure out a good description. Ah I don't want to burn out, anyways. It was really inspiring reading their writing. I used to write well, now I think I'm nirvana- half the man I used to be. I'm going to try writing something, i'll put it up soon as it's ready.
I'm starting to get some social life going on and I'm absolutely loving it. I love my friends and would do anything for them. But I don't know if they'd call me a friend. Hm.
Adrina showed me something her boyfriend wrote, and it was nothing short of fucking spectacular. She also showed me some of her poetry and it was really.. I can't find the words on how to describe it. It was more then entertaining, more than refreshing. It was on a farther level of pleasing. I'm racking my brain to figure out a good description. Ah I don't want to burn out, anyways. It was really inspiring reading their writing. I used to write well, now I think I'm nirvana- half the man I used to be. I'm going to try writing something, i'll put it up soon as it's ready.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Bell, Africa, and now introducing, Fearless.
Fearless, is such a temptress that she is the only girl to have me say: "I have to have her." Not to hold or contain, but to join and become utterly familiar with her smell, her touch, her breath, and voice.
She's in my acting class this semester. She shows exactly what I want for what I give. I feel she is completely open and unafraid to do anything. That's me. I couldn't be more open if i tried. She's bold, without inhibitions she acts almost carelessly, but accepts facts. She won't let words take her down. She has a bite that awaits your every word, ready to hit you back with a refreshing sting. She has the power to make me laugh on command. She can immediately determine what she wants and can instantaneously make a truthful opinion (rare to find.) Her slight looks and angled gazes makes me feel like she's clever and witty. It made me feel as if.. she was plotting my downfall or lighting a fuse with devious intent... she's inspecting my weak points to meet my utter demise. I hope she expects me to fall to her feet. I'm desperately eager to show that I won't go down without a fight. As Fearless plays coy I silently strengthen my walls.
Reasons why I shouldn't go ice skating.
Thin Ice:
Seems too independent - your Love won't be returned in full.
Eager to leave class - Has something to look forward too. That's outside school.. boyfriend?
Talks to everyone easily - Potential to make me insane with jealousy
Could be a religious freak - Agnosticism will prevail.
I need to stop filling my tank. I'm afraid I'm packing too much fuel for this trip.
_________
Africa and Bell might have a stand off at our trip coming up. I told Bell I'd teach her gambling, she seemed a little to excited.. Africa might still have feelings for me, so I might be tempted to spend time with her.
Option A: Go off with Bell, teach her gambling, STRESS myself into not trying to make anything of our relationship
Option B: Go off with Africa, show her a good time only for her to tell me it's nothing. Or maybe get drunk and see what happens in a room spent together.
So now my major flaw, is I have difficulty in determining acts of friendship from acts of passion. I'm bound to fuck up with either choice. But which will have less of a reverberating and costly effect?
She's in my acting class this semester. She shows exactly what I want for what I give. I feel she is completely open and unafraid to do anything. That's me. I couldn't be more open if i tried. She's bold, without inhibitions she acts almost carelessly, but accepts facts. She won't let words take her down. She has a bite that awaits your every word, ready to hit you back with a refreshing sting. She has the power to make me laugh on command. She can immediately determine what she wants and can instantaneously make a truthful opinion (rare to find.) Her slight looks and angled gazes makes me feel like she's clever and witty. It made me feel as if.. she was plotting my downfall or lighting a fuse with devious intent... she's inspecting my weak points to meet my utter demise. I hope she expects me to fall to her feet. I'm desperately eager to show that I won't go down without a fight. As Fearless plays coy I silently strengthen my walls.
Reasons why I shouldn't go ice skating.
Thin Ice:
Seems too independent - your Love won't be returned in full.
Eager to leave class - Has something to look forward too. That's outside school.. boyfriend?
Talks to everyone easily - Potential to make me insane with jealousy
Could be a religious freak - Agnosticism will prevail.
I need to stop filling my tank. I'm afraid I'm packing too much fuel for this trip.
_________
Africa and Bell might have a stand off at our trip coming up. I told Bell I'd teach her gambling, she seemed a little to excited.. Africa might still have feelings for me, so I might be tempted to spend time with her.
Option A: Go off with Bell, teach her gambling, STRESS myself into not trying to make anything of our relationship
Option B: Go off with Africa, show her a good time only for her to tell me it's nothing. Or maybe get drunk and see what happens in a room spent together.
So now my major flaw, is I have difficulty in determining acts of friendship from acts of passion. I'm bound to fuck up with either choice. But which will have less of a reverberating and costly effect?
Saturday, February 5, 2011
If the fulfilling feeling of social acceptance is chemical based, why can't I be happy in a more direct way?
Off Vyvanse.
I'm finding my depression coming back. Why the FUCK am I feeling like this. WHY. I don't even fucking know anymore. I really fucking don't. I mean this could be side effects of not taking Vyvanse but, I felt this way before taking the medication as well. Quite frankly the short period of time I spent happy was by making Africa laugh and be happy.
I was sated with Bell for the one day and was thrilled when I thought she was into me.
What used to make me happy:
Pre-X Era
Video games
A dozen e-friends
2 best friends
what little social acceptance in high school
being different
X Era
X.
Video games
Skim boarding
Jobro, Jobro gf, Andromedus, Snake.
Post-X Era
Video games
Skim boarding
Kryptonite
Africa
Jobro intermittently.
Alcohol?
Vyvanse
School - due to nsg friends. Leaning on shadows.
Talk to me.
No your retarded.
How am I retarded?
Because you don't fucking exist and you don't have any of the answers. Sure you defuse my fucking emotion but that's temporary. Why pull out the knife constantly when it just goes right back in? How about you fucking put the knife down prick.
I'm not the one holding the knife, it's your life that's fucking you up. I'm just trying to help.
My head hurts.
Yeah, I'm not surprised.
Ways to FUCKING live. HOPEFULLY one of these will fucking work.
______________
Don't think about the what ifs. Don't think about the shit that makes you sad. Focus on what makes you happy.
______________
Be fucking angry at your situation. Get pumped up by it. Fucking get aggressive and accept everything that you're having to deal with and carry it with you.
______________
Find a new hobby. Fuck find a couple hobbies. Stop being lazy and saying I don't want to do that. Just try things. Read, go out for walks, go to gym more, draw, guitar, play video games, act more, volunteer.
______________
Keep pushing forward. Bite the fucking bullet. Live alone, die alone; remember that? Accept your shitty situation and make the best of it. If you have to eat shit, you might as well stop thinking about the taste and texture. Do what you can with what you have. Acceptance.
______________
I'm finding my depression coming back. Why the FUCK am I feeling like this. WHY. I don't even fucking know anymore. I really fucking don't. I mean this could be side effects of not taking Vyvanse but, I felt this way before taking the medication as well. Quite frankly the short period of time I spent happy was by making Africa laugh and be happy.
I was sated with Bell for the one day and was thrilled when I thought she was into me.
What used to make me happy:
Pre-X Era
Video games
A dozen e-friends
2 best friends
what little social acceptance in high school
being different
X Era
X.
Video games
Skim boarding
Jobro, Jobro gf, Andromedus, Snake.
Post-X Era
Jobro intermittently.
Alcohol?
Vyvanse
School - due to nsg friends. Leaning on shadows.
Talk to me.
No your retarded.
How am I retarded?
Because you don't fucking exist and you don't have any of the answers. Sure you defuse my fucking emotion but that's temporary. Why pull out the knife constantly when it just goes right back in? How about you fucking put the knife down prick.
I'm not the one holding the knife, it's your life that's fucking you up. I'm just trying to help.
My head hurts.
Yeah, I'm not surprised.
Ways to FUCKING live. HOPEFULLY one of these will fucking work.
______________
Don't think about the what ifs. Don't think about the shit that makes you sad. Focus on what makes you happy.
______________
Be fucking angry at your situation. Get pumped up by it. Fucking get aggressive and accept everything that you're having to deal with and carry it with you.
______________
Find a new hobby. Fuck find a couple hobbies. Stop being lazy and saying I don't want to do that. Just try things. Read, go out for walks, go to gym more, draw, guitar, play video games, act more, volunteer.
______________
Keep pushing forward. Bite the fucking bullet. Live alone, die alone; remember that? Accept your shitty situation and make the best of it. If you have to eat shit, you might as well stop thinking about the taste and texture. Do what you can with what you have. Acceptance.
______________
Friday, February 4, 2011
Decency.
3 quarters predicted my fate today. I flipped for answers and advice. I was two-face and I must say I love his theory. Prior to school today I asked a series of questions to quarter flips, and all predicted truthfully today. Fate I love you, I hope this is a way of communication between us. I truly appreciate it.
Africa dipped out on studying together today, it was somewhat expected but I didn't want to believe it until it happened. I than subtly and spitefully asked her for Bell's number (determined by a quarter). I wanted to believe it made her jealous. I know she gets to be easily. Bell is in my clinical class for this semester and she seems pretty awesome thus far. I'm not too attracted to her physically but I'm liking her personality. I hope I don't hurt her. Africa and Bel mentioned coming in today together so I figured I'd try to study and get to know her better. My intentions with her I don't know yet, but curiosity is rising.
IOI's (oh how silly the game makes me)
She happily accepted my offer for teaching her gambling games
She asked if I was coming down the night of our convention and seemed excited when i said yes
She said good bye to me twice when leaving, and said my name.
She told me she'd be at school on Monday to study if i wanted to join her.
txting game: First time I speak to her directly via phone.
Hey it's **** from nsg, decide if your studying today? (indicator that I indirectly paid attention to her schedule yesterday)
Yea i've been at the library for a couple hours...u? (seeking if i'd be joining her)
Lol nice yeah I just got here I'm heading to study room to review some power points and what not. What are you doing in library? (Told her I'm going to be doing my own thing, not indicating at all I'd be joining her. I than sought validation for spending my time in library with her.)
looking at the slides reading and making notecards (Loss of enthusiasm and remade the text from anxiety and misjudgments, noted by lowercase first letter.)
Hmm! I might stop by see what's up depending if your note cards are awesome (setting a bar, further seeking validation for me to spend time with her.)
3 minutes past.
I'm not too far w them haha...but i'm in the back off to the right (delay shows thought. signs of insecurity with work, she doesn't want to pretend they're something of worth or value. Almost seems as if she doesn't want me to be let down by her work, but still wanted to let me know where she was.)
Lol k i'll probably head over in a bit (Showing independence and not giving absolute affirmation that she's worthy of my time but I'm willing to try to see if she's worth it.)
Goddamn i'm a freak. Why am I analyzing this? I could definitely be wrong. But I don't know.. I'm just a freak hah. I'm usually not like this, but I felt like speaking the words I did, I slightly lied but whatever, the truth always finds a way out. This was a slight example of D'Angelo's cocky funny but more strongly the ideal of being the prize that she needs to work for. Believe you will lose every woman you talk to, so there's no point in feeling afraid of rejection when you attempt to speak.
Africa dipped out on studying together today, it was somewhat expected but I didn't want to believe it until it happened. I than subtly and spitefully asked her for Bell's number (determined by a quarter). I wanted to believe it made her jealous. I know she gets to be easily. Bell is in my clinical class for this semester and she seems pretty awesome thus far. I'm not too attracted to her physically but I'm liking her personality. I hope I don't hurt her. Africa and Bel mentioned coming in today together so I figured I'd try to study and get to know her better. My intentions with her I don't know yet, but curiosity is rising.
IOI's (oh how silly the game makes me)
She happily accepted my offer for teaching her gambling games
She asked if I was coming down the night of our convention and seemed excited when i said yes
She said good bye to me twice when leaving, and said my name.
She told me she'd be at school on Monday to study if i wanted to join her.
txting game: First time I speak to her directly via phone.
Hey it's **** from nsg, decide if your studying today? (indicator that I indirectly paid attention to her schedule yesterday)
Yea i've been at the library for a couple hours...u? (seeking if i'd be joining her)
Lol nice yeah I just got here I'm heading to study room to review some power points and what not. What are you doing in library? (Told her I'm going to be doing my own thing, not indicating at all I'd be joining her. I than sought validation for spending my time in library with her.)
looking at the slides reading and making notecards (Loss of enthusiasm and remade the text from anxiety and misjudgments, noted by lowercase first letter.)
Hmm! I might stop by see what's up depending if your note cards are awesome (setting a bar, further seeking validation for me to spend time with her.)
3 minutes past.
I'm not too far w them haha...but i'm in the back off to the right (delay shows thought. signs of insecurity with work, she doesn't want to pretend they're something of worth or value. Almost seems as if she doesn't want me to be let down by her work, but still wanted to let me know where she was.)
Lol k i'll probably head over in a bit (Showing independence and not giving absolute affirmation that she's worthy of my time but I'm willing to try to see if she's worth it.)
Goddamn i'm a freak. Why am I analyzing this? I could definitely be wrong. But I don't know.. I'm just a freak hah. I'm usually not like this, but I felt like speaking the words I did, I slightly lied but whatever, the truth always finds a way out. This was a slight example of D'Angelo's cocky funny but more strongly the ideal of being the prize that she needs to work for. Believe you will lose every woman you talk to, so there's no point in feeling afraid of rejection when you attempt to speak.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
On Vyvanse
I'm towards the end if not passed the half-life. Vyvanse is an ADD medication. I had pretty bad memory problems due to my inability to concentrate.. It's interesting anyway. Africa.
I don't want to accept the fact that i like her because i don't understand why.
I know i can feel ethereal happiness with almost anyone because i'm willing to make sacrifices in my life that i'm comfortable with. She could be that someone. Since i can be compatible with almost anyone, flaws are flawless. There's only a few subtle things that truly make me not want to be with her.
Review of what those things maybe.
Idea - Unfortunate defusal.
How she doesn't give me a lot of attention - I'm not sure, she seemed very attentive in our moments of acceptance. If we were to go out she might change. She said she would regretfully.
Her strong opinions - i don't mind her opinions no matter how much i doubt them as long as she doesn't tell me how i should make mine.
How friendly she is with guys - acceptance. I'm the jealous type right now. I know i shouldn't be but right now I am, and I haven't put the effort into trying to reason with myself why i shouldn't be.
How she's in love with her ex - I feel like if i show her a great enough time she'll turn around and say ex-who? I feel like any problem is solvable as long as your willing to accept the answers. [which i find to be quite tricky as of late.]
Failure to return my love - This ricochets back to the problem with the ex. If i solve that i think she could have potential to return every ounce given.
I'm embarrassed of her and how i feel towards her - I feel like she can be unattractive at times, and I don't mind it but, I'm afraid how my family and friends will react when they see her. I feel 50/50 about how true this statement is. [man that's hurtful]
Enough of that for now. Were making excellent progress!
I saw a rip in her seam. She said that she tries to avoid most medicines through eclectic means and horticulture, but said that it usually doesn't work. --- She doubts her very means of stable existence. She thinks that she might not be the way she portrays herself and wants to be. I love that, because I somewhat dislike that about her. How strongly she believes in such things.
Time to work on school.
I don't want to accept the fact that i like her because i don't understand why.
I know i can feel ethereal happiness with almost anyone because i'm willing to make sacrifices in my life that i'm comfortable with. She could be that someone. Since i can be compatible with almost anyone, flaws are flawless. There's only a few subtle things that truly make me not want to be with her.
Review of what those things maybe.
Idea - Unfortunate defusal.
How she doesn't give me a lot of attention - I'm not sure, she seemed very attentive in our moments of acceptance. If we were to go out she might change. She said she would regretfully.
Her strong opinions - i don't mind her opinions no matter how much i doubt them as long as she doesn't tell me how i should make mine.
How friendly she is with guys - acceptance. I'm the jealous type right now. I know i shouldn't be but right now I am, and I haven't put the effort into trying to reason with myself why i shouldn't be.
How she's in love with her ex - I feel like if i show her a great enough time she'll turn around and say ex-who? I feel like any problem is solvable as long as your willing to accept the answers. [which i find to be quite tricky as of late.]
Failure to return my love - This ricochets back to the problem with the ex. If i solve that i think she could have potential to return every ounce given.
I'm embarrassed of her and how i feel towards her - I feel like she can be unattractive at times, and I don't mind it but, I'm afraid how my family and friends will react when they see her. I feel 50/50 about how true this statement is. [man that's hurtful]
Enough of that for now. Were making excellent progress!
I saw a rip in her seam. She said that she tries to avoid most medicines through eclectic means and horticulture, but said that it usually doesn't work. --- She doubts her very means of stable existence. She thinks that she might not be the way she portrays herself and wants to be. I love that, because I somewhat dislike that about her. How strongly she believes in such things.
Time to work on school.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Quick Realization
A friend who listens can work wonders. Adrina your the best.
You don't like her because she's in love with her ex
You know your love won't be returned
She was with an affair with this guy for years.
She has add and forgets about you in a second.
I'm going to proceed to read those 4 things over and over again and make sense of it.
You don't like her because she's in love with her ex
You know your love won't be returned
She was with an affair with this guy for years.
She has add and forgets about you in a second.
I'm going to proceed to read those 4 things over and over again and make sense of it.
Know Thy Enemy.
Finding love.
Getting friends to appreciate me.
School
Work
Africa
Expressing my feelings to friends
Memory problems
Talking to patients
Africa
Keeping weight
Saving money for gambling trip
Car windshield
Calling Dad
Africa
Forgetting how to talk to people
Finding out how to love again
Realizing what's worth putting effort into.
Having something to constantly make me happy
Getting friends to appreciate me.
School
Work
Africa
Expressing my feelings to friends
Memory problems
Talking to patients
Africa
Keeping weight
Saving money for gambling trip
Car windshield
Calling Dad
Africa
Forgetting how to talk to people
Finding out how to love again
Realizing what's worth putting effort into.
Having something to constantly make me happy
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Africa, Dear Africa.
I sat with her, told her i felt no motivation for anything. I don't remember if i told her i don't find purpose in anything. I hope i did. I sat with her and she and i were talking a lot. She's awesome to talk too. But at one point. I just didn't want to speak. I just wanted to feel the hate and just experience everything that i wanted to. I needed to be sullen around her. I sat in silence looking into space. I NEED SPACE. I need it. I hope i can keep my shit together for studying. I'm thinking myself into a rut. Let me try talking to my self.
Hey dude shit, you seem like a mess.
Yeah you wouldn't believe.
You need to relax man, your mind is ready to explode.
I'd agree with that. It hurts to think.
Well you need that brain for class man, take it easy.
Alright. That sounds good.
Do you want to try and talk a little bit about whats making your mind unfold?
Yeah.. But its hard.
Lets start somewhere small.
Ok.
I feel like there's nothing to say anymore. I'm done.
Hey dude shit, you seem like a mess.
Yeah you wouldn't believe.
You need to relax man, your mind is ready to explode.
I'd agree with that. It hurts to think.
Well you need that brain for class man, take it easy.
Alright. That sounds good.
Do you want to try and talk a little bit about whats making your mind unfold?
Yeah.. But its hard.
Lets start somewhere small.
Ok.
I feel like there's nothing to say anymore. I'm done.
Fuck Hiatus.
Me and Africa started talking again this time without a disgusting intent. I'm so sick. SICK fucking SICK. I'm in a random fucked up love for her. But I feel it subsiding sometimes. And I do wish it would. I think I still have to fully embrace everything I feel for her before I let it go. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But, it feels like i need to.
I'm scared because I felt like I was losing it mentally the other day, I couldn't keep thoughts in order again and everything started to become like the feeling you get when your completely shitfaced sitting on your ass and the room starts spinning uncontrollably. Want to know the only thing that made the room stop spinning at over a hundred mph? Giving Africa a stupid lighter that I bought from my mom's clothing store. I wanted to give it to her. I planned to. I had to. I want things to be good between us and not some fucked up story.
This weird craziness is starting to subside. Acting class made me really happy, but I feel like it could just be trouble waiting to blow up in my face when I hold it close to feel comfort.
Right now I'm thinking. I'm constantly thinking. THINKING about how it HURTS to THINK. My jaw is starting to clench and I'm feeling like I need to throw up. That warm salivating feeling is slowly rising.
I want to write about Africa. I want to fucking spill my guts out for everything I feel for her. I'm constantly thinking of suicide, I don't think I'll ever do it. Maybe it isn't suicide, but escaping.
I need to talk to Adrina. Tomorrow I said i'd be at college early to talk with her. I want to tell her everything. Like how i want all this shit to end. How i think i'm literally going crazy. Maybe i'm making myself think i'm crazy?
I'm scared because I felt like I was losing it mentally the other day, I couldn't keep thoughts in order again and everything started to become like the feeling you get when your completely shitfaced sitting on your ass and the room starts spinning uncontrollably. Want to know the only thing that made the room stop spinning at over a hundred mph? Giving Africa a stupid lighter that I bought from my mom's clothing store. I wanted to give it to her. I planned to. I had to. I want things to be good between us and not some fucked up story.
This weird craziness is starting to subside. Acting class made me really happy, but I feel like it could just be trouble waiting to blow up in my face when I hold it close to feel comfort.
Right now I'm thinking. I'm constantly thinking. THINKING about how it HURTS to THINK. My jaw is starting to clench and I'm feeling like I need to throw up. That warm salivating feeling is slowly rising.
I want to write about Africa. I want to fucking spill my guts out for everything I feel for her. I'm constantly thinking of suicide, I don't think I'll ever do it. Maybe it isn't suicide, but escaping.
I need to talk to Adrina. Tomorrow I said i'd be at college early to talk with her. I want to tell her everything. Like how i want all this shit to end. How i think i'm literally going crazy. Maybe i'm making myself think i'm crazy?
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