Me and Africa started talking again this time without a disgusting intent. I'm so sick. SICK fucking SICK. I'm in a random fucked up love for her. But I feel it subsiding sometimes. And I do wish it would. I think I still have to fully embrace everything I feel for her before I let it go. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But, it feels like i need to.
I'm scared because I felt like I was losing it mentally the other day, I couldn't keep thoughts in order again and everything started to become like the feeling you get when your completely shitfaced sitting on your ass and the room starts spinning uncontrollably. Want to know the only thing that made the room stop spinning at over a hundred mph? Giving Africa a stupid lighter that I bought from my mom's clothing store. I wanted to give it to her. I planned to. I had to. I want things to be good between us and not some fucked up story.
This weird craziness is starting to subside. Acting class made me really happy, but I feel like it could just be trouble waiting to blow up in my face when I hold it close to feel comfort.
Right now I'm thinking. I'm constantly thinking. THINKING about how it HURTS to THINK. My jaw is starting to clench and I'm feeling like I need to throw up. That warm salivating feeling is slowly rising.
I want to write about Africa. I want to fucking spill my guts out for everything I feel for her. I'm constantly thinking of suicide, I don't think I'll ever do it. Maybe it isn't suicide, but escaping.
I need to talk to Adrina. Tomorrow I said i'd be at college early to talk with her. I want to tell her everything. Like how i want all this shit to end. How i think i'm literally going crazy. Maybe i'm making myself think i'm crazy?
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