If the fulfilling feeling of social acceptance is chemical based, why can't I be happy in a more direct way?

Off Vyvanse.

I'm finding my depression coming back. Why the FUCK am I feeling like this. WHY. I don't even fucking know anymore. I really fucking don't. I mean this could be side effects of not taking Vyvanse but, I felt this way before taking the medication as well. Quite frankly the short period of time I spent happy was by making Africa laugh and be happy.

I was sated with Bell for the one day and was thrilled when I thought she was into me.

What used to make me happy:

Pre-X Era

Video games
A dozen e-friends
2 best friends
what little social acceptance in high school
being different

X Era

X.
Video games
Skim boarding
Jobro, Jobro gf, Andromedus, Snake.

Post-X Era

Video games
Skim boarding
Kryptonite
Africa
Jobro intermittently.
Alcohol?
Vyvanse
School - due to nsg friends. Leaning on shadows.

Talk to me.

No your retarded.

How am I retarded?

Because you don't fucking exist and you don't have any of the answers. Sure you defuse my fucking emotion but that's temporary. Why pull out the knife constantly when it just goes right back in? How about you fucking put the knife down prick.

I'm not the one holding the knife, it's your life that's fucking you up. I'm just trying to help.

My head hurts.

Yeah, I'm not surprised.

Ways to FUCKING live. HOPEFULLY one of these will fucking work.

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Don't think about the what ifs. Don't think about the shit that makes you sad. Focus on what makes you happy.
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Be fucking angry at your situation. Get pumped up by it. Fucking get aggressive and accept everything that you're having to deal with and carry it with you.
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Find a new hobby. Fuck find a couple hobbies. Stop being lazy and saying I don't want to do that. Just try things. Read, go out for walks, go to gym more, draw, guitar, play video games, act more, volunteer.
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Keep pushing forward. Bite the fucking bullet. Live alone, die alone; remember that? Accept your shitty situation and make the best of it. If you have to eat shit, you might as well stop thinking about the taste and texture. Do what you can with what you have. Acceptance.
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