She knows i'm on facebook.
She knows had my number.
She could have messaged me before she left but didn't.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Ember: Helplessly Bringing the Torrent of Fire
This is the story of
I originally met this girl four weeks ago. I was on break and coincidentally forgot to bring cash for lunch that day. I only had my card on me so I set out to get lunch somewhere. I went to tacobell, and as I opened the door she instantly caught my eye. She locked eyes with me. She looked away. My heart skipped a beat like it usually does when I see a gorgeous girl. She was at the register waiting for customers. I ordered some combination, who f'n knows what. As I was ordering I couldn't help but stare at her. She laughed and giggled without even having me say a word. She messed the order up smiling wildly, "You said soft taco right?" Me: "No, crunchy haha." She became extremely embarassed but laughed again. She fixed the order. We had a moment of silence. She broke out laughing again. Me: "Hahah, are you okay? Something funny?" She spoke worried and completely bashful: "No, haha." She asked if I wanted to dine in, but I got there late and I knew she was far too hot for me to be in my league. I said I wanted it to go. She looked up at me for the first time after the awkward laughing and showed me her bright blue-green eyes that you'll soon know I came to love. "Are you sure?" she asked with that wild smile. "Yeah, I really gotta get back." I returned the gesture of the smile. I grabbed my food. I opened the door. I walked out. I went up to my car and opened the door. I sat down, closed the door. I screamed "FUCK. SHE WAS TOTALLY INTO ME."
3 weeks pass and I just got shot down from another girl I just met. It was saturday. I was distraught, but I knew I had to make up for it in a brash attempt to regain lost ground on finding someone. I thought of those blue-green eyes. The freckles on her skin. How cute she made her outfit look. I went to tacobell on break again, determined. She was there. I joke with her at the register and sit down to eat. I nervously plan out how to ask her if she would like to hangout with me. I take a breath, note the times I've done it before, come up to the counter and ask her for a bag. As I prepared to open my mouth for an awkward attempt at flirtation, She Handed Me Her Number. I was in shock. I fled to my car, I hurried up work, and I sat in my work parkinglot thinking about what to say. "Heyy, :)"
And that was the beginning. We talked incessantly. She had work the next day until 11 and we had talked all throughout her shift. I told her I couldn't wait to meet her, and she said the same. Something I found to be a pattern for the rest of the time we spent together. I asked if she wanted to hangout when she got off work. She said yes. I show up to her house at 1:00am because I got lost. She silently creeped around the corner of her house as she had to sneak out the backdoor. God, She was beautiful. She was in pajamas but if you can make the uniform of tacobell look stunning, nothing else should even be a suprise. We walked over to a gazebo overlooking a lake. It was quiet and the overlooking street lights created a glimmer over the calm water. We talked about our lives. We talked about our aspirations. It felt, like everything just fucking fit.
We continued walking and kept finding things to be beyond real between us. I felt this strong feeling in my gut the moment I sat next to her and I knew she did too. We walked through her neighborhood as she told me her past. Her ex-boyfriend was physically abusive to the extent of which I cannot mention among other things. She didn't want me to tell anyone about it, and i'm sure if she knew I was just mentioning this to the public she would break down crying. Among things that are on a need to know basis, her mother was a druggy. Her father was a drunk, who also physically abused her. Her parents had a long fought custody battle over her, she never really had a home. She constantly moved back and forth. She lived in florida before coming up to nj. Long-story short, she never really had anyone to care for her, be there for her, even give her a present, or even treat her with kindness. All she ever wanted was love from someone.
We laid in the middle of a street down a windy road in her neighborhood. We looked up at the sky hoping to see the stars. It was cloudier than a snowstorm in winter. "Man this was a great idea, its so beautiful, the clouds are blocking the stars and everything." We laughed and felt the vulnerability of the street. We got up because the rocks had begun to dig into our sides. We started walking and I told her, "You know, if you don't have to go back at anytime, I'm probably going to stay up all night with you." She looked at me calmly, her bright blue-green eyes shimmering even at night. She slowly widened a smile, and said "I'd like that." This girl was as crazy at love as I was. I couldn't believe it. She told me that she fell for me the first time she saw me 3 weeks ago as I did her. She said that the moment she saw me again coming back to tacobell she just had to give me her number. She told me she nervously thought of ways to give it to me and went through at least 50 different situations in her head. God she was just like me.
We walked around more, and I told her about my subwoofer in my car. She said she'd love to hear it and became ecstatic at how loud it could be. We laughed more times than we could breathe. We were driving around aimlessly. I asked her where she wanted to go, she said the Moon. I laughed and said sure. We get lost somewhere down south of new egypt leaving from robbinsville. On the ride, She told me she believed in fairy tales. Everything in my mind made me want to prove to her that such a thing could exist. She kept telling me in between glimpses of admiration and infatuation that she felt like she was in a movie. I told her, let's watch the sunrise. And we did.
We drove to belmar and walked on the boardwalk after stopping at a dunkin donuts. As we returned from the walk, we got in my car and she looked at me. I looked at her. I kiss her and ask her to be with me. It came so fluent. It felt so fucking natural. She said yes undoubtly, and sealed it with another kiss. We headed home with the new sun above our heads and headed back west to her house for what little sleep she could salvage. As she left she had a stutter and kissed me goodbye.
We hung out the next day and I told her I felt fucking crazy because I wanted to tell her I loved her just the second day. Yeah, I know, I'm crazy. But maybe you just haven't met someone so perfectly fitting with who you were. She told me, "You know when I left last night, I nearly told you I loved you." She than poised a pathetic rouse of a question. "So, if there was a girl hypothetically, who wanted to spend every day with you.. would you think that's weird?" she spoke with the best disguise she could. I told her. "That's fucking awesome. I wouldn't want anything else." She smiled. She grabbed my hand. She kissed me.
From that day on, we were within a hands grasp with each other. I told everyone about her, and introduced her to my friends. She loved everything about me, that I played guitar, was a going to be a nurse, cared about helping people, and wanted nothign else but to make people happy. After introducing her to my friend mike, he told me that she was absolutely obsessed with me. I was still in shock that I was so in love with her that I hadn't truly realized it. She was. And I loved every ounce of obsession. We even made a huge prank that week, we had gotten her tongue pierced at a tattoo parlor and knowing how most of my friends knew this girl was crazy about me we thought it would have been hilarious to make everyone think she got a tattoo of my name. Haha, fuck, we had gotten the tattoo guy to put a bandage on her and show mike and my cousin. I fooled everyone else with pictures. We had laughed so hard when we were by ourselves we would fall over. We made a promise to never show anyone until far down the line of our relationship, joking "See the tattoo was a good idea guys!" God I was so in love with her. I drove her to and from work because she didn't have a car, because her ex-boyfriend wouldn't let her get a license. (They were going out since she was 15 until this last November.)
On the following friday we had a conversation I know I'll never forget. Her features and face with her ever so soft voice, fucking forever embedded in my memory for as long as this love will last. We were in my car and I was driving. She said, "I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you." Before commenting on her statement, my eyes struck a chord of logic, "You know were absolutely crazy right? Like bat shit moving way too fast bat shit crazy right?" She asked "How?" in a deep passionate voice with a serious face. Her question made sense because of her abusive background. I told her because most people wouldn't even consider it without really knowing one another. I ranted on about how we don't know who each other really was. That we could have habits or little things about us that we wouldn't like, rationalizing it all as it's dangerous to love someone when little things like that could emerge. She spoke with that strong passionate voice again, "Well, if we love each other, we can do anything and cope with whatever comes our way." My heart responded "I fucking love you, Nikki." Her's "I love you too." I'm shy to write this, but we joked about getting married in ireland. We joked about having kids; one girl, one boy. We joked about imagining what our lives would be like and where we would be. When we went to her bank earlier that day she told me, "This is how big our house is going to be." The thought of how she embraced my side and how perfectly fit her head was leaning on my shoulder still makes me warm. On the way home, we made plans to go to dinner the next night so I could properly introduce her to my mom. When I got home that night texted her in bed, "I can't wait to see you tomorrow."
I woke up to her text the morning of the dinner "I love youuuuuuuuu." I told her I'd be there soon to pick her up. I told her what time I got out of work on the way to her job and she bashfully hugged my shoulder "I really hope she likes me..." I asked why even though I knew , but I just wanted to get a more detailed sense of her reasoning, "Because I want everyone in your life to approve of me, I know how much they mean to you and I really want you to be happy." I responded exactly how I did those last 5 days, "I f'n love you babe." She literally hadn't ceased to amaze me the entire week.
At work, I worked hard, I sweat, I got everything eagerly done early to try and make it out to see her. I texted her while in this flurry of a mess:
"Me: Hey I think I may be here late bal;kerjb;arbkjarl;kj fuckinggg they packed the schedule today until like 4:20, but i'm hoping that i'm out way earlier than htat.
Her: Aww that's okay hunny :)
Me: Booo no it's not I want to hangout with youuu
Her: We have our whole life babyboy :) cheer up buttercup i'm not gone forever.
Me: Aww I fn love you babe. You make my day :)"
I continue to work not suspecting a thing.
Break comes by:
Me: I just got on break can i call youuuu?
Break ended.
1:30 pm:
Me: Babbbeee! >:O (angry face on mistake)
Me: I hate how angry that face looks
Me: Lol
Me: :O is what I want
2:30 pm:
Me: babybabybaby
Me: Heyyy are you ready btw? I may get out between 3 and 4:30
3:00 pm:
Me: Babbbbeee!!
3:26 pm:
Me: I'm out!!!
3:45 pm:
Me: Where are you :(
4:40 pm:
Me: NIKKIIIIII
6:00 pm:
Me: gaj;boarjbalkrjb;a
I log onto facebook:
Our protagonist
"BABE! you got me so worried get back to me asap :<
also.. i thought about moving out, I have money saved over so... we'd actually could do it if we wanted to.."
Ember
"Relaly. I'm hanging with a friend of mine in nyc:) plz dnt be mad. Kinda drunk"
Disappointment. Lies. Bullshit. Every girl that's ever shut me down. Every person that's gained my everything that threw it to fucking waste. I became angry, not at her, at what she had done.
I thought it didn't make any sense, there has to be an explanation. She was fighting with her cousin's husband who said she didn't do anything in the house. That she was a leech not doing anything for them. She had 6 days a week of work. She had 10 hour shifts lined up this week. She had scheduled getting her license on her birthday. She told me a few days prior, "My cousin's husband is bipolar, he's blowing up at the house and is about to leave my cousin. He said either she leaves or I do." I thought maybe it had to do something with her cousin kicking her out, not having a phone, only just being able to message me on facebook through her friends phone?
Our protagonist:
"...the hell
you couldn't even tell me?
i was freggin worried about you
we really gotta talk about this later"
Sunday comes. No word from her. I get home, my mom tells me her facebook is gone. I tell her she's crazy. I go upstairs. It's gone. hundreds of friends and pictures for years. Gone. The downward spiral was as fast as the love that I grew for her.
Searched her name. Nothing.
I texted her more. Nothing.
I call her. Her phone line was disconnected.
I show up to her work to see or ask if she's working. She quit.
I show up to her cousins house knowing he would be pissed as all hell to see a guy at his door.
Me: Are you Frank?
Frank: Yeah...
Me: You don't know me, my name is Dave Nemeth. Has nikki ever mentioned me?
Frank: What the fuck. No she didn't. Why the fuck does she have guys coming to my house?
[He stepped out the door closer to me to intimidate me.]
Me: I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you.
Frank: The fuck, she's not here.
Me: I really apologize I didn't mean to get you upset, I know the situation.
As I begun to walk back, I saw a glimpse of rational thought in his outburst of anger. He calmed down a bit as he saw I was leaving.
Frank: She fucking moved back to florida.
I'm going to remember this story for a long ass time. It's funny too, the solar eclipse happened the night we spent together, we couldn't see it. But if you're a stupid mush for retarded ass cheezy coincidences- The time that we spent finding our love together was spent only after the stars had perfectly aligned. On that night. At that moment. With her hand in mine.
N.L.M.J. a.k.a. Ember
3 weeks pass and I just got shot down from another girl I just met. It was saturday. I was distraught, but I knew I had to make up for it in a brash attempt to regain lost ground on finding someone. I thought of those blue-green eyes. The freckles on her skin. How cute she made her outfit look. I went to tacobell on break again, determined. She was there. I joke with her at the register and sit down to eat. I nervously plan out how to ask her if she would like to hangout with me. I take a breath, note the times I've done it before, come up to the counter and ask her for a bag. As I prepared to open my mouth for an awkward attempt at flirtation, She Handed Me Her Number. I was in shock. I fled to my car, I hurried up work, and I sat in my work parkinglot thinking about what to say. "Heyy, :)"
And that was the beginning. We talked incessantly. She had work the next day until 11 and we had talked all throughout her shift. I told her I couldn't wait to meet her, and she said the same. Something I found to be a pattern for the rest of the time we spent together. I asked if she wanted to hangout when she got off work. She said yes. I show up to her house at 1:00am because I got lost. She silently creeped around the corner of her house as she had to sneak out the backdoor. God, She was beautiful. She was in pajamas but if you can make the uniform of tacobell look stunning, nothing else should even be a suprise. We walked over to a gazebo overlooking a lake. It was quiet and the overlooking street lights created a glimmer over the calm water. We talked about our lives. We talked about our aspirations. It felt, like everything just fucking fit.
We continued walking and kept finding things to be beyond real between us. I felt this strong feeling in my gut the moment I sat next to her and I knew she did too. We walked through her neighborhood as she told me her past. Her ex-boyfriend was physically abusive to the extent of which I cannot mention among other things. She didn't want me to tell anyone about it, and i'm sure if she knew I was just mentioning this to the public she would break down crying. Among things that are on a need to know basis, her mother was a druggy. Her father was a drunk, who also physically abused her. Her parents had a long fought custody battle over her, she never really had a home. She constantly moved back and forth. She lived in florida before coming up to nj. Long-story short, she never really had anyone to care for her, be there for her, even give her a present, or even treat her with kindness. All she ever wanted was love from someone.
We laid in the middle of a street down a windy road in her neighborhood. We looked up at the sky hoping to see the stars. It was cloudier than a snowstorm in winter. "Man this was a great idea, its so beautiful, the clouds are blocking the stars and everything." We laughed and felt the vulnerability of the street. We got up because the rocks had begun to dig into our sides. We started walking and I told her, "You know, if you don't have to go back at anytime, I'm probably going to stay up all night with you." She looked at me calmly, her bright blue-green eyes shimmering even at night. She slowly widened a smile, and said "I'd like that." This girl was as crazy at love as I was. I couldn't believe it. She told me that she fell for me the first time she saw me 3 weeks ago as I did her. She said that the moment she saw me again coming back to tacobell she just had to give me her number. She told me she nervously thought of ways to give it to me and went through at least 50 different situations in her head. God she was just like me.
We walked around more, and I told her about my subwoofer in my car. She said she'd love to hear it and became ecstatic at how loud it could be. We laughed more times than we could breathe. We were driving around aimlessly. I asked her where she wanted to go, she said the Moon. I laughed and said sure. We get lost somewhere down south of new egypt leaving from robbinsville. On the ride, She told me she believed in fairy tales. Everything in my mind made me want to prove to her that such a thing could exist. She kept telling me in between glimpses of admiration and infatuation that she felt like she was in a movie. I told her, let's watch the sunrise. And we did.
We drove to belmar and walked on the boardwalk after stopping at a dunkin donuts. As we returned from the walk, we got in my car and she looked at me. I looked at her. I kiss her and ask her to be with me. It came so fluent. It felt so fucking natural. She said yes undoubtly, and sealed it with another kiss. We headed home with the new sun above our heads and headed back west to her house for what little sleep she could salvage. As she left she had a stutter and kissed me goodbye.
We hung out the next day and I told her I felt fucking crazy because I wanted to tell her I loved her just the second day. Yeah, I know, I'm crazy. But maybe you just haven't met someone so perfectly fitting with who you were. She told me, "You know when I left last night, I nearly told you I loved you." She than poised a pathetic rouse of a question. "So, if there was a girl hypothetically, who wanted to spend every day with you.. would you think that's weird?" she spoke with the best disguise she could. I told her. "That's fucking awesome. I wouldn't want anything else." She smiled. She grabbed my hand. She kissed me.
From that day on, we were within a hands grasp with each other. I told everyone about her, and introduced her to my friends. She loved everything about me, that I played guitar, was a going to be a nurse, cared about helping people, and wanted nothign else but to make people happy. After introducing her to my friend mike, he told me that she was absolutely obsessed with me. I was still in shock that I was so in love with her that I hadn't truly realized it. She was. And I loved every ounce of obsession. We even made a huge prank that week, we had gotten her tongue pierced at a tattoo parlor and knowing how most of my friends knew this girl was crazy about me we thought it would have been hilarious to make everyone think she got a tattoo of my name. Haha, fuck, we had gotten the tattoo guy to put a bandage on her and show mike and my cousin. I fooled everyone else with pictures. We had laughed so hard when we were by ourselves we would fall over. We made a promise to never show anyone until far down the line of our relationship, joking "See the tattoo was a good idea guys!" God I was so in love with her. I drove her to and from work because she didn't have a car, because her ex-boyfriend wouldn't let her get a license. (They were going out since she was 15 until this last November.)
On the following friday we had a conversation I know I'll never forget. Her features and face with her ever so soft voice, fucking forever embedded in my memory for as long as this love will last. We were in my car and I was driving. She said, "I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you." Before commenting on her statement, my eyes struck a chord of logic, "You know were absolutely crazy right? Like bat shit moving way too fast bat shit crazy right?" She asked "How?" in a deep passionate voice with a serious face. Her question made sense because of her abusive background. I told her because most people wouldn't even consider it without really knowing one another. I ranted on about how we don't know who each other really was. That we could have habits or little things about us that we wouldn't like, rationalizing it all as it's dangerous to love someone when little things like that could emerge. She spoke with that strong passionate voice again, "Well, if we love each other, we can do anything and cope with whatever comes our way." My heart responded "I fucking love you, Nikki." Her's "I love you too." I'm shy to write this, but we joked about getting married in ireland. We joked about having kids; one girl, one boy. We joked about imagining what our lives would be like and where we would be. When we went to her bank earlier that day she told me, "This is how big our house is going to be." The thought of how she embraced my side and how perfectly fit her head was leaning on my shoulder still makes me warm. On the way home, we made plans to go to dinner the next night so I could properly introduce her to my mom. When I got home that night texted her in bed, "I can't wait to see you tomorrow."
I woke up to her text the morning of the dinner "I love youuuuuuuuu." I told her I'd be there soon to pick her up. I told her what time I got out of work on the way to her job and she bashfully hugged my shoulder "I really hope she likes me..." I asked why even though I knew , but I just wanted to get a more detailed sense of her reasoning, "Because I want everyone in your life to approve of me, I know how much they mean to you and I really want you to be happy." I responded exactly how I did those last 5 days, "I f'n love you babe." She literally hadn't ceased to amaze me the entire week.
At work, I worked hard, I sweat, I got everything eagerly done early to try and make it out to see her. I texted her while in this flurry of a mess:
"Me: Hey I think I may be here late bal;kerjb;arbkjarl;kj fuckinggg they packed the schedule today until like 4:20, but i'm hoping that i'm out way earlier than htat.
Her: Aww that's okay hunny :)
Me: Booo no it's not I want to hangout with youuu
Her: We have our whole life babyboy :) cheer up buttercup i'm not gone forever.
Me: Aww I fn love you babe. You make my day :)"
I continue to work not suspecting a thing.
Break comes by:
Me: I just got on break can i call youuuu?
Break ended.
1:30 pm:
Me: Babbbeee! >:O (angry face on mistake)
Me: I hate how angry that face looks
Me: Lol
Me: :O is what I want
2:30 pm:
Me: babybabybaby
Me: Heyyy are you ready btw? I may get out between 3 and 4:30
3:00 pm:
Me: Babbbbeee!!
3:26 pm:
Me: I'm out!!!
3:45 pm:
Me: Where are you :(
4:40 pm:
Me: NIKKIIIIII
6:00 pm:
Me: gaj;boarjbalkrjb;a
I log onto facebook:
Our protagonist
"BABE! you got me so worried get back to me asap :<
also.. i thought about moving out, I have money saved over so... we'd actually could do it if we wanted to.."
Ember
"Relaly. I'm hanging with a friend of mine in nyc:) plz dnt be mad. Kinda drunk"
Disappointment. Lies. Bullshit. Every girl that's ever shut me down. Every person that's gained my everything that threw it to fucking waste. I became angry, not at her, at what she had done.
I thought it didn't make any sense, there has to be an explanation. She was fighting with her cousin's husband who said she didn't do anything in the house. That she was a leech not doing anything for them. She had 6 days a week of work. She had 10 hour shifts lined up this week. She had scheduled getting her license on her birthday. She told me a few days prior, "My cousin's husband is bipolar, he's blowing up at the house and is about to leave my cousin. He said either she leaves or I do." I thought maybe it had to do something with her cousin kicking her out, not having a phone, only just being able to message me on facebook through her friends phone?
Our protagonist:
"...the hell
you couldn't even tell me?
i was freggin worried about you
we really gotta talk about this later"
Sunday comes. No word from her. I get home, my mom tells me her facebook is gone. I tell her she's crazy. I go upstairs. It's gone. hundreds of friends and pictures for years. Gone. The downward spiral was as fast as the love that I grew for her.
Searched her name. Nothing.
I texted her more. Nothing.
I call her. Her phone line was disconnected.
I show up to her work to see or ask if she's working. She quit.
I show up to her cousins house knowing he would be pissed as all hell to see a guy at his door.
Me: Are you Frank?
Frank: Yeah...
Me: You don't know me, my name is Dave Nemeth. Has nikki ever mentioned me?
Frank: What the fuck. No she didn't. Why the fuck does she have guys coming to my house?
[He stepped out the door closer to me to intimidate me.]
Me: I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you.
Frank: The fuck, she's not here.
Me: I really apologize I didn't mean to get you upset, I know the situation.
As I begun to walk back, I saw a glimpse of rational thought in his outburst of anger. He calmed down a bit as he saw I was leaving.
Frank: She fucking moved back to florida.
I'm going to remember this story for a long ass time. It's funny too, the solar eclipse happened the night we spent together, we couldn't see it. But if you're a stupid mush for retarded ass cheezy coincidences- The time that we spent finding our love together was spent only after the stars had perfectly aligned. On that night. At that moment. With her hand in mine.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Black Hole
Black holes are inexplicable.
Ember hasn't answered her phone.
Ember deleted her Facebook.
She really was just a dream.
Ember hasn't answered her phone.
Ember deleted her Facebook.
She really was just a dream.
Ember
She's dumb, I believe she's in love with me. From all that I saw, she's real. Just real dumb.
Let's find out if I'm a fool forever doomed for rejection. Some people are afraid of rejection just once, I on the other hand, have been through it over 30 times.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Holy Fuck Life.
You are a FUCKING DOUCHE. (life)
Let me fill you all in as i'm about to fucking toke my brains out because I can't believe how much I fucking despise mankind right now if what I think is to be true.
This.
Fucking.
Ember.
Hey guess what!?
What!
That Ember has started a wild fire.
Trees are burning
Wildlife is getting caught.
Birds are falling from the air from the smoke.
Bears are becoming singed and their lungs are turning to scar tissue.
The heat has fucking risen to above a 1000 degrees.
It's reaching homes and developments.
Where children and families are sleeping.
Their cries can't be heard because of the roar of the fire.
I asked Ember to go out on Saturday (today) with me and my mother. I wanted to properly introduce her. I was so excited. It would be the first time I had a full day with her to just do whatever we wanted. I went to work so fucking happy that i'd be seeing her that day. I felt like shit and thought of how I'd see her. It made me happy. It took me out from the pain of work and enlightened me. Everyone saw how cheery I was. Everyone saw how happy I became talking about this girl. My boss was happy, my co-workers were happy, people saw it on my face. This sense of being complete. I saw a mound of paper work and think nothing of it. I put it off tomorrow because I wanted to spend more time with Ember. I left early leaving people at my work without help. I left work at 3.
Our protagonist: Babbeeeeee!!! 3:00pm
Our protagonist: I'm out!!! 3:28pm
Our protagonist: EMMMBERRRRRRRRRRRRR 4:36pm
[Facebook] Our protagonist: BABE! you got me so worried get back to me asap :< 7:30pm
[Facebook] Our protagonist: also... i talked to my mom about you moving in... she's actually considering it. 7:30pm
Our protagonist: BJ:OIJGRLKGJ 7:46pm
Ember: Did ahe really. I'm hanging out with a friend of mine in nyc:) plz dnt be mad. Kinda drunk 8:00pm
*RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*
Puff.
I wonder who she knows in new york, oh right that stalker guy who bought her a car. Right. I forgot. Thankfully she's just drunk and in a place she's never been to before. To think I was worried. To think that my mom and I starved ourselves waiting for her. To think I threw out all my plans for the day to be with her. To think of how I fucking asked my mom for her to move in with us. To fucking THINK that this BITCH loves me, is something as fucking STUPID as
*RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*
PUFF.
Believing that life could be as great as she made me think.
Let me fill you all in as i'm about to fucking toke my brains out because I can't believe how much I fucking despise mankind right now if what I think is to be true.
This.
Fucking.
Ember.
Hey guess what!?
What!
That Ember has started a wild fire.
Trees are burning
Wildlife is getting caught.
Birds are falling from the air from the smoke.
Bears are becoming singed and their lungs are turning to scar tissue.
The heat has fucking risen to above a 1000 degrees.
It's reaching homes and developments.
Where children and families are sleeping.
Their cries can't be heard because of the roar of the fire.
I asked Ember to go out on Saturday (today) with me and my mother. I wanted to properly introduce her. I was so excited. It would be the first time I had a full day with her to just do whatever we wanted. I went to work so fucking happy that i'd be seeing her that day. I felt like shit and thought of how I'd see her. It made me happy. It took me out from the pain of work and enlightened me. Everyone saw how cheery I was. Everyone saw how happy I became talking about this girl. My boss was happy, my co-workers were happy, people saw it on my face. This sense of being complete. I saw a mound of paper work and think nothing of it. I put it off tomorrow because I wanted to spend more time with Ember. I left early leaving people at my work without help. I left work at 3.
Our protagonist: Babbeeeeee!!! 3:00pm
Our protagonist: I'm out!!! 3:28pm
Our protagonist: EMMMBERRRRRRRRRRRRR 4:36pm
[Facebook] Our protagonist: BABE! you got me so worried get back to me asap :< 7:30pm
[Facebook] Our protagonist: also... i talked to my mom about you moving in... she's actually considering it. 7:30pm
Our protagonist: BJ:OIJGRLKGJ 7:46pm
Ember: Did ahe really. I'm hanging out with a friend of mine in nyc:) plz dnt be mad. Kinda drunk 8:00pm
*RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*
Puff.
I wonder who she knows in new york, oh right that stalker guy who bought her a car. Right. I forgot. Thankfully she's just drunk and in a place she's never been to before. To think I was worried. To think that my mom and I starved ourselves waiting for her. To think I threw out all my plans for the day to be with her. To think of how I fucking asked my mom for her to move in with us. To fucking THINK that this BITCH loves me, is something as fucking STUPID as
*RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*
PUFF.
Believing that life could be as great as she made me think.
Ember vs Our antagonist
Fuck.
I'm so in love with this girl, but I can't help but feel paranoid. I feel that it still lives within me even though I've found love again. She tells me I shouldn't be, but our antagonist makes me forget all that is good.
This Ember, she shines so bright.
Dream
I had a dream about Tuesday,
I thought of the comfort she once made me feel.
I thought of her yelling spanish at me
I thought of her dark long hair with eyes cut like diamonds
Her face looking down to the corner of my page which I drew.
I dreamed about her saying, "they can't do it as good as I can!"
I'm in love with Ember, but I guess my feelings for Tuesday haven't resolved just yet. I wonder if she's still alive and if she still has her computer.
I thought of the comfort she once made me feel.
I thought of her yelling spanish at me
I thought of her dark long hair with eyes cut like diamonds
Her face looking down to the corner of my page which I drew.
I dreamed about her saying, "they can't do it as good as I can!"
I'm in love with Ember, but I guess my feelings for Tuesday haven't resolved just yet. I wonder if she's still alive and if she still has her computer.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Ember
Tuesday, I still think of you. But just as a friend now.
This girl.
Has got me.
Tighter than a gator and it's prey.
I'm in the death swirl, and I'm in shock.
Ember.
God. Fucking. Damn.
I had lost this fucking feeling.
I had lost it.
It was fucking dead within me.
It was the foul stench that lingered throughout my body poisoning my mind.
It's corpse had rotted where it nearly fused to my flesh.
And than, Ember.
With an Ember, you can stay warm.
With an Ember, you can sustain life.
With an Ember, you can create something far greater than it in the form of a wild hurricane of flames.
We already tell each other we love one another.
We stare and laugh at everything we say.
I drive her to and from work.
She makes me feel so fucking warm its unbelievable.
We talk about getting married in Ireland.
We ask ourselves how can we believe that someone is so fucking.. amazing?
She fucking works me like a toy at her command when we had sex.
She tells me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.
I tell her the same.
All this in 3 days time. I thought only a fool would fall in love so quickly. But this girl, Fuck. She doesn't go by the rules of love. Even the stars said it themselves. I asked her to go out with me on the same time of the solar eclipse. We didn't get to see it here on the east coast. But god damnit, the stars were literally aligned. They were aligned for us.
I, Ladies and gentlemen, am in Love
This girl.
Has got me.
Tighter than a gator and it's prey.
I'm in the death swirl, and I'm in shock.
Ember.
God. Fucking. Damn.
I had lost this fucking feeling.
I had lost it.
It was fucking dead within me.
It was the foul stench that lingered throughout my body poisoning my mind.
It's corpse had rotted where it nearly fused to my flesh.
And than, Ember.
With an Ember, you can stay warm.
With an Ember, you can sustain life.
With an Ember, you can create something far greater than it in the form of a wild hurricane of flames.
We already tell each other we love one another.
We stare and laugh at everything we say.
I drive her to and from work.
She makes me feel so fucking warm its unbelievable.
We talk about getting married in Ireland.
We ask ourselves how can we believe that someone is so fucking.. amazing?
She fucking works me like a toy at her command when we had sex.
She tells me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.
I tell her the same.
All this in 3 days time. I thought only a fool would fall in love so quickly. But this girl, Fuck. She doesn't go by the rules of love. Even the stars said it themselves. I asked her to go out with me on the same time of the solar eclipse. We didn't get to see it here on the east coast. But god damnit, the stars were literally aligned. They were aligned for us.
I, Ladies and gentlemen, am in Love
Sunday, May 20, 2012
A bullet from the chamber
Sovereign saw me to be to needy for a relationship.
She didn't have to say it.
We haven't spoken since yesterday and I'm happy.
Now as I found my self wallowing in self pity, Ember came to being.
Her smile and awkward gazes was a sight to see. I've never seen a girl so into me.
She's an endless emotion of affection. She broke down professing her love to me like I do most girls. Its strange vis versa. Especially because Ember is nothing short of gorgeous. She has the potential to grow into a relentless torrent of fire, however, she's not that fire, just an Ember.
As I left the place where we met, I thought about her and short after Vacarious came into the gym as she was leaving, "Hey call me." With a wide smile and a grin. She spoke out infront of my co-workers and my jaw nearly dropped.
She didn't have to say it.
We haven't spoken since yesterday and I'm happy.
Now as I found my self wallowing in self pity, Ember came to being.
Her smile and awkward gazes was a sight to see. I've never seen a girl so into me.
She's an endless emotion of affection. She broke down professing her love to me like I do most girls. Its strange vis versa. Especially because Ember is nothing short of gorgeous. She has the potential to grow into a relentless torrent of fire, however, she's not that fire, just an Ember.
As I left the place where we met, I thought about her and short after Vacarious came into the gym as she was leaving, "Hey call me." With a wide smile and a grin. She spoke out infront of my co-workers and my jaw nearly dropped.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Sovereign down in no time flat.
Sovereign found me attractive but doesn't like my need for belonging. I was an overwhelming mess of a human being. She's done.
Vacarious didn't even bother to answer when I asked her to hangout. We passed each other in the hallway twice and she poured out friendly flirty conversation. I guess she's just one of those girls.
2 down, who else wants to go?
From the beginning:
Ashley, britanny, grace, eva, tori, rani, mary, diana, Ashley, patricia, Meghan, neff, casey, austin, kayla, katie, taylor, taylor, vacera, cady
Now I'm sitting here in Taco bell, talking to a cute girl behind the counter, I bet I won't get her number though.
She's exceptionally sexy. She just moved up to jersey not to long ago from Florida. She was with this ex of hers who I guess convinced her to come up. She smiles and laughs a lot when we speak. She's very open, and its easy to squeeze my heart under her shoes.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Skin
Smooth
Soft
Warm
Sweaty
I forgot it.
I can't remember it.
What it feels like to have someone press on the skin of another.
Sovereign came over, she and I were in my room alone.
I saw her laid back in my comforted swivel chair
Her body emanated heat and compassion
I saw her hands and imagined the ridges of her fingers as I laid next to them
Holding onto this feeling in my chest
Where her fingers just lay an inch from my eyes,
Leading to her arm where it was bare from clothes,
Under a blanket where it held her
Naked body pressing against my limbs
Breathing deep evernescently.
I can't remember the last time I ever had a woman so close.
I miss it.
Soft
Warm
Sweaty
I forgot it.
I can't remember it.
What it feels like to have someone press on the skin of another.
Sovereign came over, she and I were in my room alone.
I saw her laid back in my comforted swivel chair
Her body emanated heat and compassion
I saw her hands and imagined the ridges of her fingers as I laid next to them
Holding onto this feeling in my chest
Where her fingers just lay an inch from my eyes,
Leading to her arm where it was bare from clothes,
Under a blanket where it held her
Naked body pressing against my limbs
Breathing deep evernescently.
I can't remember the last time I ever had a woman so close.
I miss it.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Bite your tongue
I met a girl 2 days ago.
I'll call her Sovereign. She's free of cares, worries, and chains.
I spent all day with her yesterday high.
She's awesome, but I don't think she's into me as much as I'm into her.
I met her in the mall and got her number...
She hugged me good bye last night and told me she had a lot of fun and to text me.
She dressed up real nice to hangout with me.
She was shy when she had her high moments.
I made her laugh consistently.
I have a strange feeling and belief, matter of fact, that I'm going to fuck it up.
I always do.
And I know I can't have nice things.
My life, is the epitome of
Close but no cigar.
What if.
If only.
I don't know why I still try to meet girls, I know I'll always fuck up. Gah, i'm a fucking.. paranoid lunatic.
I feel depressed right now because I believe she didn't enjoy the time with me, that I just put so much of myself out there that she just laughed to be nice.
Don't look at me, that way.
Cause I'll be hanging from a rope.
And I will haunt you like a ghost.
I'll call her Sovereign. She's free of cares, worries, and chains.
I spent all day with her yesterday high.
She's awesome, but I don't think she's into me as much as I'm into her.
I met her in the mall and got her number...
She hugged me good bye last night and told me she had a lot of fun and to text me.
She dressed up real nice to hangout with me.
She was shy when she had her high moments.
I made her laugh consistently.
I have a strange feeling and belief, matter of fact, that I'm going to fuck it up.
I always do.
And I know I can't have nice things.
My life, is the epitome of
Close but no cigar.
What if.
If only.
I don't know why I still try to meet girls, I know I'll always fuck up. Gah, i'm a fucking.. paranoid lunatic.
I feel depressed right now because I believe she didn't enjoy the time with me, that I just put so much of myself out there that she just laughed to be nice.
Don't look at me, that way.
Cause I'll be hanging from a rope.
And I will haunt you like a ghost.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Im finding strength
I only begun this post a short time after I woke up this morning. I saw it just now, "Draft." I feel like this post has been a draft far longer.
Emotionless.
I wondered how everything looks serious.
The period on the end of a sentence is like a stage 5 diagnosis of parkinsons.
Flat affect, lack of expression.
I felt like murdering myself when talking to a friend and I choose not to say "lol" or "haha"
Sunday, May 13, 2012
After work
I love to just fn park in my driveway, and sleep. I don't want to leave because I can't. It just... feels so good.. to just stop and seclude myself.
Vicarious has entered my life.
Tuesday, I'm still thinking of you
Tuesday,
Becareful, I'm feeling ravenous today.
I'm afraid if you come
I won't be grateful
That ill find gaps of time
Between my responses.
But so you know, its because
I'm put off from the arguments
And your false delusions of betrayal
Because saying I love you to a snarling pittbull
Quickly loses its taste
About to sleep.
I wonder if she.. broke her laptop because of me.
I wonder if she really did just, get over me like that.
I mean I knew I put her through tears more times than we could count, but what I asked was just respect and patience.
She couldn't help but look for the littlest signs in trying to make me falter..
On the other hand, she'd tell me
"I'll never forget you."
I don't think she knows what life has in front of her.
She couldn't believe that I was really there for her.
I don't know anymore, but i miss her.
----
I'm daft.
Short witted.
I didn't even check to see where she pours her heart into.
That should say something about me.
But I don't know what.
That I don't care?
I do, but I don't.
Because I love her, but I don't because.. well she puts me through hell.
Hm.
I wonder if she really did just, get over me like that.
I mean I knew I put her through tears more times than we could count, but what I asked was just respect and patience.
She couldn't help but look for the littlest signs in trying to make me falter..
On the other hand, she'd tell me
"I'll never forget you."
I don't think she knows what life has in front of her.
She couldn't believe that I was really there for her.
I don't know anymore, but i miss her.
----
I'm daft.
Short witted.
I didn't even check to see where she pours her heart into.
That should say something about me.
But I don't know what.
That I don't care?
I do, but I don't.
Because I love her, but I don't because.. well she puts me through hell.
Hm.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
This may be redundant, and overwhelming
I'm hurting, and wish I had Tuesday
Just to bother me
Just to argue
Just to make me feel something
Old Cancer
His skin was dry and dark from the chemo
He lost his breath while dressing himself
He couldn't hold his eyes open
And he showed the look of death on his face
I spoke to him
Good morning!
And how are you today?
His eyes broke from the stone
And looked at me with an eye of curiosity.
Eh alright, what do you need?
Well I'm here to bring you to the torture chamber.
What?
The torture chamber, you know when we
Tie your limbs with rope, and crank to see how far we can
Stretch you out.
A smile grew on his face
A wild flower in concrete
He laughed as I asked him if
he needed help to get ready
His skin grew warm
And his heart filled with content
I can tell I helped him from the grave
Where his mind often stayed.
Spend moments happy. Even if its not going to last forever.
Just to bother me
Just to argue
Just to make me feel something
Old Cancer
His skin was dry and dark from the chemo
He lost his breath while dressing himself
He couldn't hold his eyes open
And he showed the look of death on his face
I spoke to him
Good morning!
And how are you today?
His eyes broke from the stone
And looked at me with an eye of curiosity.
Eh alright, what do you need?
Well I'm here to bring you to the torture chamber.
What?
The torture chamber, you know when we
Tie your limbs with rope, and crank to see how far we can
Stretch you out.
A smile grew on his face
A wild flower in concrete
He laughed as I asked him if
he needed help to get ready
His skin grew warm
And his heart filled with content
I can tell I helped him from the grave
Where his mind often stayed.
Spend moments happy. Even if its not going to last forever.
Disgusting. Raw. Filthy.
Don't read these next few lines, as I don't want you to read them.
I want to fuck a girl in the ass.
I want to make her moan in pain.
I want her to grunt furiously at the sex we have.
I want her to love every moment of it.
I can't sleep.
I think i'm fucked up.
I'm thinking about all the things in my life I missed out on. Most importantly sex. Good sex. Actually having sex with someone and having the feeling be mutual. God I feel so fucking worn out from trying to fucking meet somebody. I can't speak. I have anxiety. I can't have friends. I can only have lovers. I can only have someone I can put my soul into.
Gah fuck.
The only friends I have I feel bad for. I don't treat them the way I should. I'm not paying attention to them. I'm not doing enough for them. I feel like i'm barely there for them.
Because I can't do anything but stay locked in my mind.
Worried I'll never find love again.
God fucking damnit.
I'm so fucking sick.
I'm so fucking sick of living in pain.
I'm so fucking sick of being sober.
Everytime I smoke with friends, I don't stop. I only stop because we run out. I only stop because I don't want to embarass myself. I don't want them to see my lack of interest in being coherent.
What.
The.
Fuck.
Do.
I.
Do.
I feel like it's getting real hard to carry on.
I want to fuck a girl in the ass.
I want to make her moan in pain.
I want her to grunt furiously at the sex we have.
I want her to love every moment of it.
I can't sleep.
I think i'm fucked up.
I'm thinking about all the things in my life I missed out on. Most importantly sex. Good sex. Actually having sex with someone and having the feeling be mutual. God I feel so fucking worn out from trying to fucking meet somebody. I can't speak. I have anxiety. I can't have friends. I can only have lovers. I can only have someone I can put my soul into.
Gah fuck.
The only friends I have I feel bad for. I don't treat them the way I should. I'm not paying attention to them. I'm not doing enough for them. I feel like i'm barely there for them.
Because I can't do anything but stay locked in my mind.
Worried I'll never find love again.
God fucking damnit.
I'm so fucking sick.
I'm so fucking sick of living in pain.
I'm so fucking sick of being sober.
Everytime I smoke with friends, I don't stop. I only stop because we run out. I only stop because I don't want to embarass myself. I don't want them to see my lack of interest in being coherent.
What.
The.
Fuck.
Do.
I.
Do.
I feel like it's getting real hard to carry on.
It's late. I've got work in the morning.
I can't help but pleasure myself while I find a moment in time.
I think I have a problem with... masturbation.
I don't like to talk about it, because I feel judged.
I don't like to talk about it, because it puts the thoughts of all the things wrong with it.
I don't like to talk about it, because it brings up things I've never got to experience. (I've had sex.)
I don't like to talk about it, because it makes me think of the people who have it, who don't deserve it.
I don't like to talk about it, because I'm weak.
I don't like to talk about it, because it puts expectations on things.
Fuck everything.
I feel like taking a hit, but I'm trying to stay on the straight and narrow.
Did I mention I almost got arrested last night?
Hm, that would have proven impossible to fix my life after that point.
Thank you officer, but I have to say, you were still a f'n cunt.
I think I have a problem with... masturbation.
I don't like to talk about it, because I feel judged.
I don't like to talk about it, because it puts the thoughts of all the things wrong with it.
I don't like to talk about it, because it brings up things I've never got to experience. (I've had sex.)
I don't like to talk about it, because it makes me think of the people who have it, who don't deserve it.
I don't like to talk about it, because I'm weak.
I don't like to talk about it, because it puts expectations on things.
Fuck everything.
I feel like taking a hit, but I'm trying to stay on the straight and narrow.
Did I mention I almost got arrested last night?
Hm, that would have proven impossible to fix my life after that point.
Thank you officer, but I have to say, you were still a f'n cunt.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Birthday party
My little cousins, he's 2.
There's tons of people here.
They don't look familiar and they make me worried.
Am I paranoid?
Do I have a problem?
I see everyone as a potential chance to fuck up,
To make someone else think less of me,
To make my life worse.
I can't help but think of the worst-
Pessismist.
That's what they call me.
Id rather stay right where I am than stick a hand out.
I imagine the feeling like sleeping with your limb off your bed,
Knowing its out
In the open
Hanging,
Ready to be finally separated from the rest of my body
Completely.
God, this would be a time where i'd scratch the walls of insanity right when I had Tuesday to rely on. But now I don't.
I think I'm going to leave, there's tons of people here, and 3 have noticed my tendency to avoid people.
One spoke and said "dinning alone tonight?"
I smiled and spoke quite honorably in an upbeat pace,
"Yeah I guess so!"
I laughed pretending like I didn't notice.
Sometimes acting well is a horrible thing.
May 11th.
I woke up this morning feeling a sharp pain radiating throughout my mid back. I took a deep breath as it intensified. I rolled over to take the pressure from my chest. I realized the rush of energy I got from the munchies the night before.
I tossed and turned imagining where I am now. What my life is. I thought of graduation, I thought of my father, I thought of what little friends I have, I thought of tuesday. I put it all aside and said, "it's too early for that."
I wiped my eyes looking over my arms acrossed one another into the wall. The blankets lay like hills from plowed fields on a farm. I felt happy. I felt content. But now, it's somewhat normal again.
So, I've lost Tuesday.
I still want to be there for her in her life.
I found that as retarded as taoism is, I think I've been living it's ways most of my life. Not ever trying to never fail. And I guess that's alright. I'll try things when I know I can do them. But for now, maybe it's best I don't set goals for myself. That I look at what I have rather than what I don't.
Take care Tuesday,
I'm here for you.
I tossed and turned imagining where I am now. What my life is. I thought of graduation, I thought of my father, I thought of what little friends I have, I thought of tuesday. I put it all aside and said, "it's too early for that."
I wiped my eyes looking over my arms acrossed one another into the wall. The blankets lay like hills from plowed fields on a farm. I felt happy. I felt content. But now, it's somewhat normal again.
So, I've lost Tuesday.
I still want to be there for her in her life.
I found that as retarded as taoism is, I think I've been living it's ways most of my life. Not ever trying to never fail. And I guess that's alright. I'll try things when I know I can do them. But for now, maybe it's best I don't set goals for myself. That I look at what I have rather than what I don't.
Take care Tuesday,
I'm here for you.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Mirror
I.
Wake in the morning
Without checking to care
I know how I feel
And how it should look
So I never dare.
To see the eyes of mutant
Without a heart
Who stands undead
Without a soul
or warmth
I stare.
I find I'm still human
And that I still breathe
That I'm worth talking to
But I know id be brief
Because
I don't want to lose this moment
Where I see me
Without the sadness
Or that gasping despair
Within the endless depths of my eyes
That tells me I don't care.
Words from a Dead man
Are short,
Un-thought-out,
Because he spends most of his time
Lost in his mind
Thinking of the moments where
He could not speak
When he tried to make others
Laugh and be happy, to be
Ignored, with respectful stares
Shadowed by
A lack of gratification
Stupid.
I'm lost on the internet
I can't find where my home is
I just want to find it and sit there and stay warm
Stay comfortable.
It's been a battle trying to stay happy the past two days.
I can't take it..
I don't know what to do right now.
I'm just... lost, holding a wound, while floating, bleeding in space.
I feel like I've found immortality only just to wish I would die.
I can't find where my home is
I just want to find it and sit there and stay warm
Stay comfortable.
It's been a battle trying to stay happy the past two days.
I can't take it..
I don't know what to do right now.
I'm just... lost, holding a wound, while floating, bleeding in space.
I feel like I've found immortality only just to wish I would die.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Cheating Life One Pill at A Time.
I don't want to die
I try and cut the ties
from a life
I used to live
Where I forgot the
beauty of the world
and had a fuck to give
And I hide inside
my mind where it lacks
translation
so when you ask
I can't tell you
there's just no explanation
cause we all know that face
that says were fine
even when we look down
at the end of the line.
Cause there some of us
who can't find help
a face but shadowed
by 6 feet under below
that was hallowed
be thy name thy kingdom come
but whats to be done
when I don't believe in you and your son?
I am a man who suffers from depression
lexparo, citlapram, I guess it's an obsession.
to take these pills
when friends say I'm fine.
but never taking the time
to see when I'm alone
broken beaten and battered
speaking to the walls that I wish were shattered.
leaving me cold in the open,
so my mind may pour out
like a fountain of emotion
just to shout
and I aid this problem
with alcohol and regrets
drugs that shouldn't
have given me debt.
but don't worry there's a
nice ending to this story
Not bloody or gory.
but let me tell you
I just haven't found it yet,
and that hope
never dies as long as I try saying these first and last words:
I don't want to die.
I try and cut the ties
from a life
I used to live
Where I forgot the
beauty of the world
and had a fuck to give
And I hide inside
my mind where it lacks
translation
so when you ask
I can't tell you
there's just no explanation
cause we all know that face
that says were fine
even when we look down
at the end of the line.
Cause there some of us
who can't find help
a face but shadowed
by 6 feet under below
that was hallowed
be thy name thy kingdom come
but whats to be done
when I don't believe in you and your son?
I am a man who suffers from depression
lexparo, citlapram, I guess it's an obsession.
to take these pills
when friends say I'm fine.
but never taking the time
to see when I'm alone
broken beaten and battered
speaking to the walls that I wish were shattered.
leaving me cold in the open,
so my mind may pour out
like a fountain of emotion
just to shout
and I aid this problem
with alcohol and regrets
drugs that shouldn't
have given me debt.
but don't worry there's a
nice ending to this story
Not bloody or gory.
but let me tell you
I just haven't found it yet,
and that hope
never dies as long as I try saying these first and last words:
I don't want to die.
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