The Game Has it Right.

First a word of love.

"...love isnt like that. it's a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes it stays for life; other times it stays fora second, a day, a month, or a year. So don't fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don't be surprised when it leaves, either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it." - The Game

That being said. I've made an oath to myself. Speak to every cute girl that approaches. Not with a goal of getting together and making something out of it. But to experience what it's like. To improve myself and grow myself a pair.


So went out on the night with Boken and A. Originally we had no intentions of "sarging" but i've been sick of my life recently. I want to be fearless. I want to be able to do anything and not care what so ever of it's consequences. You only live once. Don't put a limit on what it has to give you. I worked like a machine. I began to compute random openers, step by step lines, and focused on keeping myself undercontrol. Really the first night that i've been out actually looking for girls to talk to hah. Feel like i'm a prick a little bit but..  I don't know why. Ill continue laters.

I sent her a text at 5 in the morning.

5am
Why did you ask me what I was thinking the other night?

7am
Idk cause i always ask that question. Why?

Cause it fs me up.

ugh ok... there is nothing to make complicated in this situation anymore. i honestly dont know what you want me to say.

there kinda is and you don't need to say anything and trust me i'm sick of all this crap too

i dont think there is and if your sick of it why do you keep bringing it up? just leave it alone.

Cause it feels like i need to or else i just stay in uber fd up mode for the longest time. and there is... when you asked me what i was thinking we just stood there for a moment. I hesitated answering because I realized I really wanted to hear that. Everytime you say that, we talked about us, it was your way of finding out how I felt about you. And I had to go against what I wanted  to say and do so I turned away and asked why are you so curious and you immediately turned around and pouted and said fine I won't be curious anymore. You looked upset and angry at me and I panicked. It hurt because I'm an idiot and afraid to lose what I have for you. The complicated part was just the way you wanted to stand there and wait for something to happen, idk what. I guess I wanted you to question how I felt for you and I thought you did. The way you looked at me and turned around when I avoided the question made me feel that you still feel something for me.

you look to much into it... I just asked to ask and ill make sure i wont anymore. I look to you as a friend. thats it. and it wont take a long time to get over this. you just gotta start dating n u will move past what u think u feel for me.

Hope so but I don't know if it'll be as easy as it sounds.
8am

I hope this is the final act of Africa. I'm going to try my hardest to make it that way.

I Can't Stand.

What the hell has been going on the past couple weeks. fuck.

This is going to be centered on Africa. Yet a fucking gain.

Last i remember i said look i need to ignore you because i can't take being just friends.
Her response. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't know you felt that way. But okay.

She tells me like a week later she was angry at me not wanting to talk to her anymore and de-friend ed me on face book.

That bothered me, not the friend thing, the fact that she was angry at me. Hey fuck face you make me live in utter shit. You obviously didn't care about me as much as i cared about you. Why the hell are you angry? What do you want me to live in utter shit? do you want me to break my back trying to attain your love?

WHY CANT I FUCKING PUT THIS SHIT BEHIND ME.

it's fucking at the end of the day. Where i stand now?

I fucking care about her yet a fucking gain. A FUCKING GAIN.
-because i think she gives me signs that she still cares about me.

SHE asked ME. "What are you thinking?"




"What are you thinking?"


She stood there. Leaning on the corner of her jeep. I prolonged the moment. I just stared back at her. I know what I wanted to do. I wanted to fucking intervene. I wanted to fucking take off this mask, i want to be me. I want to be ME. I want to be who i feel like being. and i feel like i'm a hopeless romantic. HOPELESS. I feel like screaming my heart out. I feel like making a thousand origami hearts. She wanted it. She wanted me to be that. She wanted me to shout my love. She wanted me to make a move. She wanted me to come close. She wanted me to say that i needed her. THAN FUCKING LET IT BE. DUMP THE FUCKING LOVE FOR THAT DOUCHE.

I asked while smiling turning around and walking away, "Why are you so curious?"

She immediately said "Fine i won't be curious, bye." turned around and started opening her door.

I felt the pain of a bullet going through my heart. I was scared, i didn't want to lose her. i panicked . Asking why am i so curious are the words i so fucking desperately wait to hear every moment I'm with her.

I tried to recover.

"I never said i didn't want you to be." I'm not sure if she heard me.

If she asked me again, i'd say:

I'm fucking crazy. I'm dumb. I'm absolutely out of my frigging skull. I'm crazy about you. I'm dumb because i can't know any better. I'm absolutely out of my frigging skull because I'm not me anymore. I'm everything you want me to be. I'm a piece of clay waiting to be molded, I'm water without a container. Let me be what you want me to be.

WHY AM I SO FUCKING OVERWHELMINGLY IN "LOVE".

Desperate. Scratching at the inside of my coffin screaming at the top of my lungs. Begging on my knees before the cloud of judgment. Be mine.

I'm almost in tears. fucking pussy. thanksgiving week and i don't think a day's going to pass without me thinking about her.

I don't want to complicate things for her. So i can't talk to her. She asked to just be friends but if that's to much than shell ignore me. I need to bold that.

She asked to just be friends but if that's to much than shell ignore me.


Ill do one up, i'll quote shit. "If you want to be friends we can be friends. if you don't  than i'll leave you alone."

well you didn't fucking ignore me. You stared me down like a freak with an extra eye. You hated me yet you stare me down, you want to be friends, yet you give me that fucking look.

Today was shit, i feel like irreversible damage happened. I wasn't myself i was something fluctuating between giving you my best and treating you like nothing. (I can't just be a friend. I still cant. What the fuck.)  I feel like you don't like me as much as you used to. I think it's because you see me for how i really am sometimes. But i'm not like that.. i don't think.. i know i'm more smooth and connected. i have rhythm I find a wave length and adjust to it. Its just.. hard to be what is called for when i'm trying to be the greatest and worst person in the world hiding how i feel.


i'm running in circles. I'm going fucking complicate your life. I'm worth the time. i'm going to ask her in the middle of the night to show that this is a fucking bed of nails that i sleep on every night. That i bleed when i lay at rest every night. Your sick of complicated shit?

She Couldn't Wait to Call.

So today opened up with her cursing saying don't fucking tell me if you don't think its fucking important.

Then I shoot the trigger. Funny i was so happy this morning saying fuck everything.

Here's what ye olde text spat out.


"Look i'm sorry i made shit complicated and making you so upset. I just wanted to ask you to tell me that we'd never have a chance of being together. I wanted you to rip my guts out and tell me everything that's wrong with me that you and mina are going to be forever, everything that you love about him, and why you know you cant be with me. I want you to because i can't take being just friends right now. I'm a fucking mess when your not messaging me or around me. Knowing that i won't see you or even imagiing you wont be texting me in a day makes me so depressed it's not even funny. I can't fn take it. I feel so helpless. I need you to hate me and never talk to me because i don't think i can take not trying to be with you right now. Look i'm sorry i put you through this shit. I want you to be happy and i know if you have me in your life right now you won't be because i'm just going to fuck everything up."


"I really want to be just friends but i cant, not now."


"I'm really sorry i thought i could be but i started to feel everything again and yeah, what i said before."

Very fucking cut up and stupid of me. Goddamn i need to work on my writing skills via cellphone.


Curious as to what the fuck she'll say if anything.


What else did i want to say?

Well the whole look you tell me you want to be with no one right now and you need to be single. Yet you get back with your ex and try it out again. Well look, that's fucked up. And super hurtful coming from someone who says they care about me. The way you fucking acted just now, cursing at me like you never do. Fuck you. It's my god damned life too. You're insinuating your life is better than mine saying shit like that:

"I'm fucking done with complicated shit. If its not important enough to talk to me about now then don't fucking talk to me about it after the test. I don't want to know."

Bitch, if you don't fucking care about me enough to deal with us then say so. Just don't fucking put up with me then. Shut me the fuck out of your life. - Really important fact that i just realized. Maybe that's why I felt so good waking up this morning when she gave me shit last night.


She responds:

"There is nothing wrong with you and i'm sorry i had no idea you were feeling that way. (Really? fuck you, a legally blind elderly woman could have seen that in me.) and I'm sorry for putting you through this. I never wanted you to get hurt. Okay i get it and i'm sorry again. I would have never hung out with you if i knew this was gonna happen. I will leave you alone now. Sorry. and i do love Mina (good you too are fucking dumb enough to deserve one another. it just took me a while to realize it.) I don't think i'll ever be able to feel what i feel for him towards another person... which is why it would have not been fair to ever be with you. (Agreed least we hooked up. Swish.) I'm sorry again. i was not the right person for you and you will find her one day. i'm sorry for making you feel like this."

You want to know how the fuck i feel? I feel fucking liberated. I needed you to kill that part of me that desperately needed to be violently mutilated and it's head hoisted atop a pike.

I figure the only way well be friends is if we hang out and i tell you, your such a bitch! you should have fucking told me in the first place that you knew you would always have desperately wanted to be with Mina... no that wouldn't have been enough. I needed to see how much you depend on him in your life. To see that you'd throw your life out in the trash. To see how you handled problems with cursing and ignorance. To find out how you don't think things through logically. To see how you lose the moral of the story as soon as the show is over.

And whats our moral of the story of Africa?

The Cruelest thing you can ever do to someone, is have them deeply in love with you and say you love them, but never do.

Africa - - - 4 Beers, Jägermeister, Vodka; The Second Regret... 5 beers; The Third Regret.

I'll try to remember all of it as best i can.

Africa is this cute girl who i find unattractive at times. She's a complete hippie in my eyes almost. She's vegan and love mother nature. She dreams one day of going to Africa and helping the poor and hungry. She says it calls to her.

She yet again is another temptress of nursing class. (the last in my class as well)

We first went out for drinks after expressing her hate for nursing and wanting to quit but not being able to due to her parents threats of " do it, or i'll fucking kick you out of the house."

Originally we walked out of this long-term care center with our entire class saying who's up for drinks!? and no one responded except me and her.

I asked her "Still up for it?"

She responds "yeah sure!"

I'm not attracted to her or think about being in a relationship with her at all at this point.

We get a couple drinks and i find out who she is. Nothing really happens between us except i show my light weight disabilities. We end up staying in her car because she thinks I'm too drunk to drive home.

The game taught me something very important: To get the girl, you have to be ready to lose her at any moment.

We talk about just everything from tape on cats to music and I end up exploring her Jeep crawling around everywhere inside. I made her laugh so hard and i loved it. I still didn't want her to be in love with me as i am now. Eventually i sober up, she goes home telling me to text her when i get there to make sure I'm okay.  Leaving me to drive home, she smiles a wide smile and flickers her hand saying good bye.

Next time we drank, we went to a different bar talked about everything and firmly put out what kind of person i was. To the best of my abilities of course, i don't know who the fuck i am. If someone ever reads this and finds out: please tell me. She started to like me more and more which i loved. I started to become more inclined to be with her at the same time.

Who she is:

Bisexual, vegan, loves to exercise, loves food, loves movies, loves mother nature, wants to travel and is crazy about Disney world. Her realistic job is a holistic health care provider or nutritionist. Her dream job is owning a yoga studio and vegan restaurant.

The Second Regret.

Down the line about 4 beers. I make my fucking move.

Do you find me attractive?
Yes
Would you like to kiss me?
Yes.

We ended up at her jeep. I tell her I shouldn't. We don't. she really wanted to. She loved every moment we were experiencing of each other. She desperately wanted me to kiss her. Thinking backkk i should have. I just held her to keep her warm and she huddled around me like a cat begging for a good pet.

She was really into me and i fucking loved it. I felt little to no remorse.

The Third Regret.

Endgame, Showgirl, Africa and myself drinking at a bar after our test.

Were all sitting in a line, from left to right: Show girl, Africa, Myself, and Endgame. We get a couple shots in and i race africa in a chugging contest. She completely obliterates me. I called bull shit and we went 2 outta 3. She completely obliterates me yet again and I decided to inhale the last few ounces of beer into my lungs. I started coughing uncontrollably and tears come out of my eyes. Endgame is hysterical and took pictures to show everyone else in the nursing class.

We get drunker and drunker and apparently Africa was close to shitfaced but i didn't notice. All i felt was, Africa clawing deep into my leg like a wild tiger reaching ever so close to my pride and glory. Endgame is beating at my back like its a pinata on cinco de mayo telling me:

"FUCKING DO IT. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS."

I'm thinking this is fucking awesome. And eventually she came to me later waiting for me outside the bathroom. A couple drunk off balanced steps towards her and were sucking face. After a few seconds of kissing, I purposefully stop and look at her walking back towards the bar, leaving her unfulfilled making her want more. We talk for a little while and the wild tiger get's fucking ferocious on my leg. The pride and glory was singing the star spangled banner at it's best. We jump outside and proceed to do what was called for. A call that had to have been answered, it was a draft for war.

The rest of the night ended up being her flipping out eventually when we got in her car. Mind you I'm still that pussy nerd who has yet to learn the advances and tactics of the battlefield, so all we did was just make out. She ended up saying we shouldn't be doing this blah blah, I kiss her on the neck to make her regret every word and moment she wasn't spending on my lips and we ended the night regretfully saying good bye. Mine genuine, hers of hesitation and apprehension.

Preparation.

I'm about to talk to africa about everything i been keeping up inside.. I'm fucking scared.

it begun with txting.

"i need to ask you a favor like Wednesday or sometime after the test"
"i'll remind you.. lol"

After that she basically flipped and said thanks for bringing this shit up before the test.
tell me what you want to ask it's really going to bother me and mess with me so much you have no idea.

(I should note that's a very fucking undeserving statement. Bitch i'm in this fucking relationship between us too. I couldn't fucking think the whole damned weekend because of trying to be friends and you telling me that your trying again with your ex makes me want to fucking crash my car into a tree. Calm the fuck down. I can't fucking live in la-la land like you do and ignore who i am and what is going on outside my head. I'm telling you everything tonight and if you want me to fucking tell you then shut the fuck up and treat me with some god damned respect before i say fuck it why the hell should i tell you when your making me feel this way.)

Anyways. I plan to tell her tonight.

"Look what i wanted to ask you was to tell me that we'd never have a chance of coming together. I want you to rip my guts out and tell me everything that's wrong with me. Tell me that you and Mina are going to be forever. Tell me everything you love about him and why you know you can't be with me.

I can't take being friends so immediately.. I feel like I'm going fucking crazy when I'm not talking to you. When I'm not in your mind. When i don't feel your presence even when it's so little from texting. (I'm addicted yet a fucking gain)

I'm fucking yo-yoing back and forth like crazy. I know we should be friends but being so close just makes me never want to let go of what I'm feeling. I can't tell the difference between being a friend and being what i want to be for you.

It's like i don't even know why i feel this way i can't f'n explain it. I feel like we wouldn't be good for each other. I feel like your so opinionated and have things that you'll die for and know what you want to do in life and i'm the least opinionated person I've ever come to know and i haven't been more lost in my life than now. We deal with our lives completely different. I'm not sure if i can hold a conversation that could interest you or keep you entertained.

So please do me this favor and stab me in the chest, make it deep, and never talk to me again. I need you to put me through this pain because i don't think i can."

Fuck that makes me sound weak

Please tell me they'res other fish in the sea.

So where was I? oh yeah. FUCK Africa. She fucking tells me on the phone today she's going to try to be in a relationship again with her dumb fuck boyfriend who's most romantic moment is when he slits his wrists in the shape of a heart.

Want to know what this guy dubbed "dumb fuck" is worth in a relationship?

Never calls her when he says he will.
Takes hours to respond to any messages.
Can't get over fucking self-pity.
Depressed chronically.
Is never there for her.
Cant say i love you.
Can't give her support.
Puts thing's before her.
-"I can't be with you. I can't create art with you, I hate it."

God I wish people on this fucking earth were fucking worth something sometimes.

It's like having the most versatile tool that can give global peace, cure cancer, stop poverty, feed all the hungry, and legalize marijuana but you see it being used as a fucking door stopper.

THE FUCK.

Well this is definitely a lack of organization.

I intended to make the blog something with rules and a frame to portray bits of my life into. But it turns out I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just addicted to love.

So anyways straight to the emotional bullshit that we all go through.

The fuck. I care about nothing. I have little to no interests anymore. I just got this old camera repaired and been taking pictures. Can't muster the balls and get over the burden of being loveless to go outside to a place actually worth taking pictures. I started up facebook initially just because i wanted to hear Africa's opinion of the ex. She spat out two words and commented so vague it's so insignificant I can't remember.

Could I bare to be with Africa? I don't support half the shit she talks about. Hah... that should be enough shouldn't it.

Her beliefs:

1. Energy
2. Animal Rights/Veganism
3. Spiritualist in Mother Nature.
Before I light the flame thrower; I'm fucking cold, logical, and don't believe in BULLSHIT. I look at everything with open eyes and only believe what is concrete. Show me validated proof that can be consensually agreed upon from facts and not feelings.

My Opinions:

1. Energy
Her definition of energy: The feeling someone gives off.
My summation of energy: power(fuel) or ability to do something.

So it's not fucking energy. It's your goddamn response to the certain situation. It's chemical reactions of emotion. It's your f'n feelings. It's your anxiety. You wouldn't feel a bad "energy" when your flying a plane for the first time. You feel like your gonna fucking crash and kill everyone aboard. To everyone who uses the term "energy" when they describe meeting someone; you just re-fucking labeled the small sentence or description "that kid makes me feel ____."  And for what? To be different and make yourself feel cool because you think that you've discovered this completely unknown world unbeknown to the average day man, because you've seen a light so few have seen, because they are to enveloped in the real world and concerned with pointless things in life. Let me just say, personally, your fucking retarded. Swallow your fucking pride of not being able to feel special amongst everyone else and make something of your self so you have something that makes legitimately you feel that way.

I understand that the word energy can eventually be used to describe the feeling that people give. But for the purposes of feeling special, fuck you. Out of habit of hearing dumb fucks spread it around, whatever, were sheep.

2. Animal Rights/ Veganism

I'm a firm idealist in believing that all life is equal. Life being anything that is living. Meaning humans, animals, plants, ants, and amoebas. You're either living dead or something in between like a virus. So you can be white black or in the fucking gradient. Point being, there's things out in the world that give us energy, that we need to kill to live. Of course we can live off of plants and there is a natural indwelling feeling in some of us that feel bad for animals. But i think that's because they imitate our perceptions and feelings. If there was a plant that could wither and whimper when you yell at it and call it names, I guarantee that they're-ll be a group ready to protect it and fight for it's right to be whimper and wither free.

Believing that animals should be held at higher standards or lower standards all really depends on how you feel as an individual. There's no right or wrong. It all depends on your personal opinion and individual desire and satiety of understanding. If you have a part of you that can relate to animals and it makes you feel horrible knowing what they go through than by all means go vegan. If you don't really care and love to eat Fillet Mignon with a horse burger than go for it. Pleasure yourself in what way you wish. I don't really give a shit that Africa would never touch meat again, just don't tell me to hold up a sign and cut the fence of a farm!

3. Spritualist in Mother Nature.

It's impossible to disprove completely and absolutely fucking ridiculous ideas like the universe was created in the backseat of a car unfathomably resembling a 1967 Pontiac GTO by an underage girl in a town that once again unfathomably resembled buffalo, new york. It's just impossible. We're you there when the universe was created? No? Than shut the fuck up. So that being said, my chair has a spirit, the dust mites eating your skin have spirits and I guess mine is just far more bigger than theirs. Her ideas of spirits is solely her idea and i can be wrong. It just feels like it's ridiculous but logically, it shouldn't. It's just a far deep rooted opinion deriving from culture and experiences. What we define as funny, absurd and appropriate for creation has no meaning to the universe now does it?

So plant life, a dark medium gray on the gradient of life, has a special purpose and more predominant element to how things work on earth. I find it strange, and feel like it's almost comical but that saying that depresses me.. unfortunately this doesn't work out between us :[

I just feel like this is another one of those, I believe different because it makes me feel special to have my own unique ideas and i know better then most people because they are to preoccupied with meaningless things and blah blah blah.. Shit this is starting to really make me feel like shit typing like this.

--------

She really cares about me. I think, says she does, but doesn't want to be together. I don't think we should be. but god damnit I really want to be.

I think I'm sick:

I don't find her that attractive.
I don't agree with a lot of the stuff she believes in. I find it comical..

I love the challenge of making someone hopelessly be attracted to me.

I don't want to be in love right now.

I just want to experience relationships. I want to know what it's like to be with other people.

Self searching:

Why do i want to be with other people?
because i want to know what other people can give me.
I want to see if other people can give me what i give them.

Why do they deserve what i give them?
They don't. but you have to start somewhere don't you?

I'm super confused!
Yes you are.









What concerns you most right now?
Not talking to Africa, having her not message me, having her not care about me, having her think I'm weird, having her feel smothered, having her feel like she loves me.

I fucking love classical music.

I need to find myself. I thought I did. Now I'm feeling i don't know anymore.

I'm listening to yo-yo ma on Pandora. he's the shit. I completely broke off the rules i set for myself in this blog. But I have no one to talk to, so welcome to my life. I want to draw. I can't find something to. It's 10:26. only 34 minutes before 8 hours passes to sleep. Last night i only slept 5 hours.

I have a poor habit of sleeping when i need to. I feel like i'm missing something and that I can't sleep until I get it.

Suite for Cello in G1 just came on.. Song never gets old.

So what the fuck am i missing that keeps me up at night? Friends? Probably. I just want someone to fucking understand me. I feel like I have no friends right now that truly does. I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do. I need a fucking support network god damnit. I'll be there for you if your there for me.

I think that I see a girlfriend as a huge support in my life so that's probably why i want one so bad. But i guess that's taking the easy way out. I need to make friends. I really should take this acting class but all the sudden i'm feeling bitter towards it. I feel like what if i'm not up to par with everyone else. I could always drop and never see them again. That feels comforting knowing that. I'm also planning on taking guitar making next semester a 14 credit course.. i guess thats good. I know i can remember the script easy that they require you to remember. I just don't if i can act well.

Adaigo for a strings. Fuck can't listen to that, it'd bring me to near suicide. Super depressing song if you ever get to hear it.

FIRST read november 14th post "Africa ..."

i am heaven sent, don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me what's it like to have myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..


i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are,
with whoever they're there with.
this is war.
every line is about who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something they can't diagnose,
don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh it's so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
'cause you can't keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..


we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.


oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
we are entirely smooth.
we admit to the truth,
we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
and it's all from watching tv,
and from speeding up my breathing.
wouldn't stop if i could.
oh it hurts to be this good.
you're holding on to your grudge.
oh it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
oh, so let it go..


we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe..


we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.


this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason you're alone,
this is the rise and the fall.


we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe..


we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.

edit: The plan didn't work. i'm not fucking macguyver. We talked on the phone and she said
everything was a mistake. she needs to be alone.

it would have never worked out. I just really wanted it too. I was never fully attracted to her. I don't know if i could put up with her activist ways. I'm not sure if i could have took the anxiety of meeting her whole family. I could have turned vegetarian or even vegan if we lived together. I'd always eat meat if we were out or if i was with my family. I couldn't take the way she laughed sometimes. I don't know if i could have liked the things she loved. I don't know if that matters. I was always half on half off..

I have ways of predicting the future.

I texted her.

Active absorption is something that i can't explain. It's like something I've been dying to have for what seems like forever but i wonder if I'll ever have it. Like a boy running in a field with a toy plane always wishing he could be a pilot. One day he might, or become an astronaut.

Now you can take that two ways. I'm fucking crazy saying stupid shit for no reason. Or i was sub consciously asking her if i'll ever be with her or become something more:

What i want between us is something that I can't explain. it's like something I've been dying to have for what seems like forever but i wonder if well ever be together. Every time we spent together i always hoped that i could be that one and only in your life. One day i might be that person, or become another's special person, who i know will be better for me than you.

So than why am i fixed onto you? i don't know. A heart needs to learn what it wants, but it can't find out what it really desires until you put it in situations that it wants to be. You can't disagree because you can't live without it. You can try as hard as you want to fight and you will come close to losing it. It will tear you apart. So why fight it? Follow it, and be ready to experience what it has to show you.

I later texted her across the room.

So what do you think I'll be? The pilot or the astronaut?

She walked with me, smiled, and spoke

The astronaut.

I respond

Let's hope its worth it.