Loss

Loss of inspiration when I have the time.

I often find myself in places where I have beautiful thoughts in places I can't write. Or where I can't draw. Where I think of things in my life that I just need to see out infront of me to figure them out. It's infuriating.

My writing hasn't been as good as it had before because I just don't take the time anymore. I don't take the time to think about what i'm writing and I never have the privacy that I used to.

I love living with Mikhail, but I need privacy. I need time to write. It's killing me not having myself to my computer where I can just write and write and do whatever it is I want to do without having to be afraid. It's not his fault I'm afraid I know, but it's something I can't just find the courage to do in front of him.

I called my sponsor. Yes. I have a twelve step sponsor. A 12-step sponsor is someone to help you get out of your addiction. At first the idea of getting someone like him was just another objective I had to do to get my license. Now I'm finding use in him. I just left him a voicemail.

"Hey It's our protagonist. I've been thinking a lot about what you said. About knowing if i'm an addict or not. This may sound weird, but I don't know if I am. I know I hate being sober. I hate being in my normal state of mind. I just need to get out of my skin so I'd get high or drunk. Does that make me an addict? Well, Thanks."

I feel terrible for things between me and the owl in the trees. I constantly try to interact with her but I feel I only make things worse. I really do care about this owl, but I guess I'm just not with it enough to care for it. I feel like a giant trying to hold a flower, only crushing it every time I try to grasp it. This owl and I, we used to get along so well. We didn't even have to think about it. I feel terrible everyday knowing I make her life worse everytime I open my mouth. The owl doesn't know what to do, and I don't either. I feel at a horrible stale mate where I can only watch her from my window. I wake up every morning so afraid she'll be gone. That I'll never see her again. She's sick from the elements outdoors, but i know she can make it through if she really tried.