Cant Could not

Sleep.

Serviced.

Im staring at my keyboard trying to think.

I was contemplating my life as I laid in my bed tonight. As I usually do I might add. Thinking of my life and how desperate I am. Desperate for love I mean to say. I really really am.  I realize something about myself though. Im willing to spend this life I live if im treated wrong and unfairly. So it sounds easy enough for me to float through life. But I guess not.

One thing I miss most of a relationship is the connection you build. Of having someone so close, looking into their soul as they look into yours. That reassuring deep understanding of compassion and empathy that never needs to be questioned.

I wish I could get comfortable in my bed right now. Im lying with my feet where my head is supposed to be and my back is sprawled in a c-shape around a fluffed comforter and pillow. I lie with my boxers half drawn over my unmentionables, and a tshirt thats over hanging on my chest and shoulders.

I crunch up at the irritation of this shitty keyboard as I reminice over days past where id have myself in my room with just the company of my computer where I could type freely in solitude.

Mikhail makes ambient noise as he clammers over the furniture in the dark in the other room. I hear him manage the door to the bathroom.

Hell be gone in the morning as hes finally found some  measurement of work. That leaves me to myself. As much as I miss it im depressed because I know how my day will go as hes not here: I wake up, I search for the bed and my eyes for every ounce of fullfilment before I struggle to brace myself for the day. I stand up. I go to the bathroom and judge my day. Mikhail isnt here. The house is filled with this sullen quietness. As if there isnt a soul in the room. That meaning even my own. My depression intensifies when I step out to look at the empty living room. Theres no mikhail to annoy me to keep me out of my thoughts. I try to muster the will to put contacts in. I feel relief putting them in only to realize theres nothing better to do besides check my computer for messages from no one. Ill stare at my desktop, browse reddit to scavenge for happiness. Eventually the pain in my stomach drives me to eat. And by this time ill have wasted my time playing a meaningless game and prepared for work at 2. The only light of my day comes to me when I think, maybe ill meet some girl who ill fall in love with today at work. Ill work, find no love but only people that ill remember to have never made eye contact with besides to say hello or get orders from. Ill play games and eat, mikhail will be there to lessen my thoughts. Ill get tired, embrace loneliness and wish I was dead. Ill go to sleep writing to hope to take away what I feel. Then when I wake, ill repeat with only very very subtle differences.