I wish I could think of something to write right now that would make me feel better.
There isnt much I can think of.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Sometimes
Sometimes you just need to push.
Need to dive head first.
Start with that which you are unprepared for.
Only because it's the last thing you haven't done.
Need to dive head first.
Start with that which you are unprepared for.
Only because it's the last thing you haven't done.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Heavy
Heavy air sinks my head onto my pillows
My eyes become more narrow.
The fear of testing is imminent, im afraid things will go sour.
Fucking.my life over in less than an hour.
Making money just for soup
Living on those who are successful.
Cant Could not
Sleep.
Serviced.
Im staring at my keyboard trying to think.
I was contemplating my life as I laid in my bed tonight. As I usually do I might add. Thinking of my life and how desperate I am. Desperate for love I mean to say. I really really am. I realize something about myself though. Im willing to spend this life I live if im treated wrong and unfairly. So it sounds easy enough for me to float through life. But I guess not.
One thing I miss most of a relationship is the connection you build. Of having someone so close, looking into their soul as they look into yours. That reassuring deep understanding of compassion and empathy that never needs to be questioned.
I wish I could get comfortable in my bed right now. Im lying with my feet where my head is supposed to be and my back is sprawled in a c-shape around a fluffed comforter and pillow. I lie with my boxers half drawn over my unmentionables, and a tshirt thats over hanging on my chest and shoulders.
I crunch up at the irritation of this shitty keyboard as I reminice over days past where id have myself in my room with just the company of my computer where I could type freely in solitude.
Mikhail makes ambient noise as he clammers over the furniture in the dark in the other room. I hear him manage the door to the bathroom.
Hell be gone in the morning as hes finally found some measurement of work. That leaves me to myself. As much as I miss it im depressed because I know how my day will go as hes not here: I wake up, I search for the bed and my eyes for every ounce of fullfilment before I struggle to brace myself for the day. I stand up. I go to the bathroom and judge my day. Mikhail isnt here. The house is filled with this sullen quietness. As if there isnt a soul in the room. That meaning even my own. My depression intensifies when I step out to look at the empty living room. Theres no mikhail to annoy me to keep me out of my thoughts. I try to muster the will to put contacts in. I feel relief putting them in only to realize theres nothing better to do besides check my computer for messages from no one. Ill stare at my desktop, browse reddit to scavenge for happiness. Eventually the pain in my stomach drives me to eat. And by this time ill have wasted my time playing a meaningless game and prepared for work at 2. The only light of my day comes to me when I think, maybe ill meet some girl who ill fall in love with today at work. Ill work, find no love but only people that ill remember to have never made eye contact with besides to say hello or get orders from. Ill play games and eat, mikhail will be there to lessen my thoughts. Ill get tired, embrace loneliness and wish I was dead. Ill go to sleep writing to hope to take away what I feel. Then when I wake, ill repeat with only very very subtle differences.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Right before I sleep
I want to say, its not worth it to be me.
I constantly spend my nights struggling to be happy.
I just dont fucking get why I cant be. Nothing bad has ever happened to me in my life. Nothing. My family loves me, i have a great career, and im somewhat attractive, or at least im told so.
But yet despite these things, id rather live fucked up high off my ass than be sober. Its not worth it to think clearly. Being me in my skin is far from where I want to be right now.
Why wake up. Why wake up.
Love is the only thing I know to keep carrying on, but I know many do not want to love a depressed fuck like me. Thinking im creepy and needy with problems that make me strange.
And who am I? What do I love doing? Rotting in a cage made of plaster and dry wall slowly seeping into a mattress until im some dark stain thats unbearably foul and putrid. Fuck off life.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Fifteen
Ive a feeling that without Tuesday writitng may be my only outlet for a while. That makes me anxious so hopefully ill be able to get out of my head while I write. Speak. Splurt. Expectorate.
Im at work and ive still 5 hours ahead of myself to tackle. My back is beginning to give out and my eye lids are losing the battle to stay open.
I saw a video not too long ago, about reality. It said that we often fear the future. That were afraid where we will end up, if we'll get that job, if we'll be homeless next year. The fact that we are fearful of the future shows that were afraid of something that hasnt happened yet and we wont know if it will or wont happen until that time. So to be afraid of something that doesnt exist, means that we are afraid of something imaginary. Something made up completely in out minds.
Tuesday.
Insomn
Im laying In bed wrestling with my sheets. Its so hot under them i feel humid all over. Like a mid equator jungle under a canopy of sweat. My eyes feel dry from my use of contacts as I manage to type on this four inch keyboard. The moans of Mikhail echo from behind the bathroom door. He seems he will be praying to the porcelain gods until morning. A long night of alcohol and regrets brought him there on his knees. He told me of a girl he had met, only to find someone confront him, saying she was his. That her body was his property, insuating that sense I imagine. The woman should have known better than to let an approaching man converse her for an hour with no expectations. Youre not a fucking tall tale come to life, you were probably just a set of tits and ass covering your disfigured personality. Pain still comes despite one looking the other direction.
Tuesday didnt come on today. That really worries me. The thought of not knowing when ill speak to her once more. I find my mind often wanders to places with her presence. Playing out the scenarios of life and how itll be.
Im often conflicted of the thought of living in a city. Imagining how busy and fast paced the streets would ne overwhelm me. The presence of others and the many eyes noting my existance; judging me faster than I can comprehend. The personalities, the possibilities, the reactions, the opinnions, the tangents are endless with so much information seeping through every little detail thats as apparent as the brightness looking directly into the sun. I cant wrap my mind around it. The acceptance of that happening is like trying to push a nail flush into my skin.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Weakness
Give me strength give me strength give me strength.
I cant.
I can not.
Im afraid.
Of that which is imaginary.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Not
A fucking kid stabbing at his door.
Someone who yells at the night.
Curses at someone when they don't get what they want.
A poor hack of a poet
With words without creativity
Telling you believe me I know best.
But.
Someone who yells at the night.
Curses at someone when they don't get what they want.
A poor hack of a poet
With words without creativity
Telling you believe me I know best.
But.
Dream
I took a melatonin supplement to help me sleep last night here's what resulted:
I was on vacation. I took a boat to a large hotel that encompassed an entire cliff side that stretched out as far as i could see on both sides. The cliff met the ocean without a beach and it seemed that the place we were in was in some far off distant land. There was caverns carved out into the cliff that went deep into the ground. It was beautiful. There were thousands of people there. Everyone was so happy to be there. I was on a ship with over a dozen people, Mikail being one of them. We were talking about how amazing this hotel would be and how we didn't understand why everyone loved it so much.
Soon enough we got to the dock on the cliffside. We were greeted by people who had previously been staying there that somehow became apart of the hotel's staff. It seemed that they just wanted to work for the hotel after having loved it so much there. We were greeted with warm smiles and welcomes that seemed so sincere. We took a tour of the main hall and we met at the front desk where we told the secretary what our rooms were. The group we were with dispersed and as we walked down a few corridors we could see hotel rooms that looked down on us. The caverns were as honey combs in a beehive. 30 stories high with catwalks that braced each side. We were led by another individual who took our now smaller group to our rooms.
Our guide kept a warm smile and looked into the distance as if they were watching a movie that thoroughly entertained them. We pressed to call the elevator. Two people came out behind the doors of the elevator. They looked different. One man's face was stone cold. He looked like a statue and was the first person I saw that didn't have a smile on his face. He walked calm and collected like the rest of us, but his face.. it was just something of serious importance. The second person wasn't collected. They were nervous. They had a jittery skip in their step looking around as if someone was watching him. I thought of how strange the pair was and entered the elevator with mikail and the rest of the group.
We stepped out onto our floor and the guide turned around walking backwards explaining things to us. I couldn't recall everything she said, but she mentioned that this would be the most beautiful and relaxing experience of our lives. And it was true. I felt it. As we kept walking onward the guide's voice became nothing but blurred out mumbling that I could no longer focus on. There was something inside of me that was growing.. This feeling of reassurance, this feeling of happiness and being content. I felt beyond happy as we neared our seperate rooms.
One by one our group went into their rooms. I lost track of everyone around me and only followed the physical gestures of the guide. I finally got to my room as I felt drugged. I felt so fulfilled with happiness it was overwhelming. I felt as if I was stuck with heroin. I stood there looking into space as if I was watching that same movie my guide just was. I realized that we had stopped, I looked at my guide and she had her arm up pointing to my room and telling me to go inside. I apologized for being so delayed and I broke a smile and she seemed to understand.
I walked inside. The lights were off. I walked forward, and didn't care that I couldn't see a thing. I felt so reassured that I just didn't care. I took a few steps in and felt so overwhelmed I just stood there in the darkness. The guide closed the door behind me. I lost track of time.
I heard a ring, a call. My door opened by itself and I saw a few people walking outside my room. I walked back out and still felt that same happiness. I found myself walking in a single file behind everyone to a larger community room. We had food laid out for us. The hall was loud and people talked about their experiences. I found Mikail and we talked about how amazing everything was ourselves.
I'll finish writing later.
___
Fuck me, I browsed through drafts and realized i never found this.
I was on vacation. I took a boat to a large hotel that encompassed an entire cliff side that stretched out as far as i could see on both sides. The cliff met the ocean without a beach and it seemed that the place we were in was in some far off distant land. There was caverns carved out into the cliff that went deep into the ground. It was beautiful. There were thousands of people there. Everyone was so happy to be there. I was on a ship with over a dozen people, Mikail being one of them. We were talking about how amazing this hotel would be and how we didn't understand why everyone loved it so much.
Soon enough we got to the dock on the cliffside. We were greeted by people who had previously been staying there that somehow became apart of the hotel's staff. It seemed that they just wanted to work for the hotel after having loved it so much there. We were greeted with warm smiles and welcomes that seemed so sincere. We took a tour of the main hall and we met at the front desk where we told the secretary what our rooms were. The group we were with dispersed and as we walked down a few corridors we could see hotel rooms that looked down on us. The caverns were as honey combs in a beehive. 30 stories high with catwalks that braced each side. We were led by another individual who took our now smaller group to our rooms.
Our guide kept a warm smile and looked into the distance as if they were watching a movie that thoroughly entertained them. We pressed to call the elevator. Two people came out behind the doors of the elevator. They looked different. One man's face was stone cold. He looked like a statue and was the first person I saw that didn't have a smile on his face. He walked calm and collected like the rest of us, but his face.. it was just something of serious importance. The second person wasn't collected. They were nervous. They had a jittery skip in their step looking around as if someone was watching him. I thought of how strange the pair was and entered the elevator with mikail and the rest of the group.
We stepped out onto our floor and the guide turned around walking backwards explaining things to us. I couldn't recall everything she said, but she mentioned that this would be the most beautiful and relaxing experience of our lives. And it was true. I felt it. As we kept walking onward the guide's voice became nothing but blurred out mumbling that I could no longer focus on. There was something inside of me that was growing.. This feeling of reassurance, this feeling of happiness and being content. I felt beyond happy as we neared our seperate rooms.
One by one our group went into their rooms. I lost track of everyone around me and only followed the physical gestures of the guide. I finally got to my room as I felt drugged. I felt so fulfilled with happiness it was overwhelming. I felt as if I was stuck with heroin. I stood there looking into space as if I was watching that same movie my guide just was. I realized that we had stopped, I looked at my guide and she had her arm up pointing to my room and telling me to go inside. I apologized for being so delayed and I broke a smile and she seemed to understand.
I walked inside. The lights were off. I walked forward, and didn't care that I couldn't see a thing. I felt so reassured that I just didn't care. I took a few steps in and felt so overwhelmed I just stood there in the darkness. The guide closed the door behind me. I lost track of time.
I heard a ring, a call. My door opened by itself and I saw a few people walking outside my room. I walked back out and still felt that same happiness. I found myself walking in a single file behind everyone to a larger community room. We had food laid out for us. The hall was loud and people talked about their experiences. I found Mikail and we talked about how amazing everything was ourselves.
I'll finish writing later.
___
Fuck me, I browsed through drafts and realized i never found this.
Loop
Write.
Write.
Write.
Write.
Write.
Right when I decide. For every letter is where I want it to be. I'm realizing where I cannot
confide.
Where I cannot, place the thing where I grow so tired of carrying. The thing that I hold in my hands, that makes me seethe so deep. It hurts so much more, when I believe I see a shelf, a ledge to put down that which will bury, when it is no more a mirage or an image, something imaginary.
I need to learn, to stop putting costumes on people. Because they're not who I say they are, no matter how hard it is breathing. I know time is ticking and I'm losing sand. But life isn't an hour glass more or less a window. Where time doesn't matter because who values a clock? A second more than a fine food, an hour more than a poem, a day more than a friend?
Doesn't matter? I'll fool myself soon. To thinking it's hopeless, that i'm beyond all that recovery. Making myself realize, that i'm not that bad, until I realize, I'm still sad. So with broken records, I'll be in a loop. So I love life, but if you ask me, death can't come too soon.
Write.
Write.
Write.
Write.
Right when I decide. For every letter is where I want it to be. I'm realizing where I cannot
confide.
Where I cannot, place the thing where I grow so tired of carrying. The thing that I hold in my hands, that makes me seethe so deep. It hurts so much more, when I believe I see a shelf, a ledge to put down that which will bury, when it is no more a mirage or an image, something imaginary.
I need to learn, to stop putting costumes on people. Because they're not who I say they are, no matter how hard it is breathing. I know time is ticking and I'm losing sand. But life isn't an hour glass more or less a window. Where time doesn't matter because who values a clock? A second more than a fine food, an hour more than a poem, a day more than a friend?
Doesn't matter? I'll fool myself soon. To thinking it's hopeless, that i'm beyond all that recovery. Making myself realize, that i'm not that bad, until I realize, I'm still sad. So with broken records, I'll be in a loop. So I love life, but if you ask me, death can't come too soon.
A Drug Without the High
It'll suck you in
Like a droplet of water down a sink
Sap your essence right when it's too late,
to grasp your sense of right and
wrong.
And you know without it,
Life cannot go on.
Like a droplet of water down a sink
Sap your essence right when it's too late,
to grasp your sense of right and
wrong.
And you know without it,
Life cannot go on.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Lacklustre
It's valentines day. Guess that means I give myself an extra bit of loving today. That reminds me, I need more lubricant. Hah. I've cut my hair into a mohawk, and I love it. At first it was to short but now it's grown in. I've gotten compliments as well as "Jesus Protagonist your so intimidating." I laughed it off and thought of the old days when I was in highschool.
I'm searching in myself for something to write about, something that I have conviction for. I love that word, conviction. The first time I really heard of it, it was from x-best friend, the same one who X moved in with and had a fling. We were talking about something useless like politics at the time and I believe we went to Washington for some kind of rally.
Politics. Ugh. The notion of it is so hard to think of now. I had some thoughts of insight toward politics and people today. Most of us, won't care about politics. Plenty of us, won't care about senators or even who the president is. Why? Well look at your life. How bad is it right now? In America we've food, water, entertainment, drugs, alcohol. We're sated. We're not hungry for a change. We're not in dire need of a better tomorrow. So politics? Politics is bullshit until it directly impacts our lives. The main involvement of everyone who follows politics I feel is fueled by fear, that tomorrow is going to be a new hell, when really it's never going to be that bad. However I hope when it does impact most of us, they haven't crossed to far of a line that it'd call for a revolution.
It feels so good to talk about something else other than myself. Fuck! I just remembered. I may still be enrolled in my college at jersey city university. I never canceled anything, but I also never registered for classes. However.. the head of the university in the branch that I go to seemed to have signed me up for one class without my premission.. Well. Fuck. I'm too afraid to confront it. Like being diagnosed with cancer and refusing to accept it.
I have to go to the doctor to get another prescription of vyvanse. It's been a while since I've felt flawless and endlessly happy. I could use it for trying to get my shit together.
Also, Tuesday, get your fucking internet working.
I'm searching in myself for something to write about, something that I have conviction for. I love that word, conviction. The first time I really heard of it, it was from x-best friend, the same one who X moved in with and had a fling. We were talking about something useless like politics at the time and I believe we went to Washington for some kind of rally.
Politics. Ugh. The notion of it is so hard to think of now. I had some thoughts of insight toward politics and people today. Most of us, won't care about politics. Plenty of us, won't care about senators or even who the president is. Why? Well look at your life. How bad is it right now? In America we've food, water, entertainment, drugs, alcohol. We're sated. We're not hungry for a change. We're not in dire need of a better tomorrow. So politics? Politics is bullshit until it directly impacts our lives. The main involvement of everyone who follows politics I feel is fueled by fear, that tomorrow is going to be a new hell, when really it's never going to be that bad. However I hope when it does impact most of us, they haven't crossed to far of a line that it'd call for a revolution.
It feels so good to talk about something else other than myself. Fuck! I just remembered. I may still be enrolled in my college at jersey city university. I never canceled anything, but I also never registered for classes. However.. the head of the university in the branch that I go to seemed to have signed me up for one class without my premission.. Well. Fuck. I'm too afraid to confront it. Like being diagnosed with cancer and refusing to accept it.
I have to go to the doctor to get another prescription of vyvanse. It's been a while since I've felt flawless and endlessly happy. I could use it for trying to get my shit together.
Also, Tuesday, get your fucking internet working.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Seethe
God im scratching at the walls right now. Im yearning for a woman. Im dying for one. Im half a step from txting every girl I know. I need love god damnit. And its driving me insane. Im so afraid of just letting go right now. Letting go of striving for love. When I think if I dont try to find someone i feel ill be alone forever. That ill die before I find love. Im crazed right now.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Absence of Another
Feels strange. I'm actually finding things I like again. I feel it's brought on because I'm realizing I have no one to strive for. I have no one to try to make love me. It feels like the time i'm spending now should be the way it's meant to be spent before finding love again.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Didn't
She didn't message back today. It's been a long while since i've dropped something heavy on her lap like that. I hate the days when it's rough for her. I hate it even more knowing I can't do anything about it let alone know anything about it. And then when we try to converse, well it's almost like there's no gas in the tank. She seems spent from the day and can't even carry a smile. Then I imagine she thinks of shitty times, like long ago. Then she lashes out on me. I still wish I could just hear her voice. Place another piece to her puzzle.
I'm feeling better today. missing medication is quite a step back.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
What happens
When you dont feel the urge to open your eyes when you know a wonder of the world is infront of you?
When you live off basic instincts and preformed habits prior to disease?
When the only hope of happiness is constantly challenged and found to be a dead end rouse?
Im feeling drastic.
Real.
Fucking.
Drastic.
Trevor.
Living with mikhail has it's tolls. Privacy and being alone feels so relaxing at times. It's honestly been weeks since i could talk to my self aloud and just do whatever it is that I wish to do without having to acknowledge the presence of another. He's out drinking at a dead bar for the lack of a better thing to do.
We're poor. We're pretty fucking broke.
I've had to pay for 3 drug tests in the past 30 days just for this stupid motherfucking evaluation for my god damned nursing license. I just hope i'll still have my head on straight by the time I actually become an employed nurse. I've attended 3 meetings already with drug addicts who were actually drug addicts. The only reason I'm under the light right now is because of a petty charge of possession of marijuana and paraphernalia. Marijuana was my way to escape. Now I have alcohol, yay, that's only you know, far more debilitating and completely detrimental to your health. Thanks American government, you've really made a difference in my life.
Shit was so rough today. I woke up late for work. I set my alarm wrong. an hour late. I check in to my drug check, I have a test due. I have no food to bring to work to eat for lunch, so I need to spend 10 dollars a day that I work on food. It's as if I'm literally breaking even with the hours I work just for the food and gas to get there.
I had the intense feeling of needing someone to care about me tonight. And guess who was there for me? Myself. Too bad he don't give a damn.
I looked at myself in the mirror today.
I hated what I saw.
I hated my face.
I hated my hair.
I hated my skin.
I hated what I wore.
I hated the curves of my skinny cheeks.
I hated how when I looked at my glasses you could see they were old and worn.
You know what I did like though?
How when I look at my body,
I'm skinny as a rail
to the point where it's disgusting.
I hate my body. I just want to escape right now.
We're poor. We're pretty fucking broke.
I've had to pay for 3 drug tests in the past 30 days just for this stupid motherfucking evaluation for my god damned nursing license. I just hope i'll still have my head on straight by the time I actually become an employed nurse. I've attended 3 meetings already with drug addicts who were actually drug addicts. The only reason I'm under the light right now is because of a petty charge of possession of marijuana and paraphernalia. Marijuana was my way to escape. Now I have alcohol, yay, that's only you know, far more debilitating and completely detrimental to your health. Thanks American government, you've really made a difference in my life.
Shit was so rough today. I woke up late for work. I set my alarm wrong. an hour late. I check in to my drug check, I have a test due. I have no food to bring to work to eat for lunch, so I need to spend 10 dollars a day that I work on food. It's as if I'm literally breaking even with the hours I work just for the food and gas to get there.
I had the intense feeling of needing someone to care about me tonight. And guess who was there for me? Myself. Too bad he don't give a damn.
I looked at myself in the mirror today.
I hated what I saw.
I hated my face.
I hated my hair.
I hated my skin.
I hated what I wore.
I hated the curves of my skinny cheeks.
I hated how when I looked at my glasses you could see they were old and worn.
You know what I did like though?
How when I look at my body,
I'm skinny as a rail
to the point where it's disgusting.
I hate my body. I just want to escape right now.
Thought
I realized why I get angry when I see an asshole with a beautiful woman.
There is nothing in this world that means more to me than someone who can love me and be there for me; changing everything in the way I see my life just by standing by my side.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Wright Goeh
With one eye
A time will fly.
With two
It may upset you.
And three?
All but everyone except me.
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