When A Heart

Is broken,
not once,
not twice,

When a heart is broken,
to where you don't know what causes a pulse,

Does the heart regrow?
Does it become stronger?

Or will it forever have a major flaw,
Where the one who broke it,
Can always shatter it on a whim?

Cheating
Life
One
Pill
At
A
Time.

Sorry.

The pipes are red hot.
The flames were raging and now its time to cool
To what aim the machine had even its creator didn't know.
But the result leaves him with a sense of debt and apology
Where he would feel the honor of being scolded.

Grab the tools.

Suture kit,
Staples,
IV lines,
Glue.

Im going to be in a million pieces.

I hope someone knows that I can't handle this fate.

Becareful, im clawing for a heart to feed on its sincerity.
To help fill this hole in my chest.

23 hours and a heart will be broken

Im sure of it, im sure
That love isn't pure
Cause my heart wont ever rest
Cause love and me,
Well we never got along
Since a girl named X
Who treated me like a pet
A dog in a cage

So while I try and make efforts pure
I see monsters and demons
Get the girls who are pretty
Who are smart and sexy
With wit and intelligence
to tell me im just too skinny.

That their man is amazing,
Yelling at them,
Making them feel like shit,
Putting sports and hobbies
on the top of their list.
All the while I stand on the lines
Watching fate desecrate love like murder
Rubbing its burning ashes on my heart
Making even my eye lids tough as leather.

So ill say FUCK YOU.
With a power I feel coming from my feet.
Toes to hair, I can feel the heat
in my fists and my scowl,
while I stare at your lack of
gratuity,
I hope you fucking die, while
You lay alone in a cold ditch
Having punk kids piss on your grave
Like when I finally scratch an itch.

Control

I haven't smoked weed in 5 days, I haven't masturbated in 3. I feel different and happier. But right now im a little low.

I always feel like shit when a pretty girl comes around. I feel defeated when they leave. I feel like a failure knowing I wasn't so amazing that they just threw themselves at me. I don't know why the fuck my brain works like that. I don't.

I miss Ember. We haven't been able to hold a real conversation in over 2 weeks now. It makes me scared that I might not know her anymore when she comes up to me.

Im afraid.

I feel great

I've been going to the gym and even without it I feel that I've a new happiness. I really noticed how happy id been when I successfully welded my exhaust back together a few days ago. I also realized that I hadn't made any true eye contact with anyone in a while. I felt scared looking t mikail in the eyes. It felt good and reassuring.

Ember I love you. I fucking hate myself. Hazlet is going to come over tomorrow.. or so we planned. I really feel hesitant.. we agreed to be friends with benefits, but I feel horrible for doing that to Ember. I told her I wanted to be single, but it seems now at this point it doesn't matter, because the only girl I want is her. Ember really has become my everything. In the past 4 days, she's only answered one of my questions and texted me 4 sentences.

Out of the Haze

Ive been high-free for a little over 8 hours, and I have a strange sense of self. I keep getting urges to smoke and I get frustrated when I can't. Mikail is right, I shouldn't have to smoke so much when I've so much riding on what I have right now.

I need someone with me right now.

I wrote an email to Tuesday, saying I changed the password to netflix. I feel terrible that I had to. I realized my debit card changed in the time and ceased payments since august 15th. I wonder if she's still alive. I hope she's happy.

We agreed to leave each other a long time ago, she said shed contact me on her birthday. I wonder if she still loves me. I wonder if she really wasn't as crazy as she said. Id feel so happy to hear from her again, but im scared by that time Ember would be my life. Maybe these thoughts would cease if Ember was with me. I can't really put to thought what that value that leaves is in these words. That I want to speak with Tuesday only until I find out Ember is worth it.

Am I fucked up for needing love?

Ember is worth it...

Flicker in the Ember

I think Ember might be dead.
Or dying.

I'm finding myself thinking that she may not make it to live past the 18 days to see me.
She told me she was coming up on the 27th.

She messaged me this morning saying that she feels horrible. She messaged me saying she hasn't eaten since yesterday morning. She messaged me, I'm not vomiting blood, just black stuff. Black stuff is blood love, that's not good. You need to go to the hospital.

That was the last I heard from her over 2 hours ago. It's common for her to disappear another 24 hours.

I'm high. And i'm worried. But it's a beautiful day outside, and I'm going to enjoy it.

Something.

It's hard for me to write!

I don't want to.

I feel like I don't have the energy in me to write again. I feel like it doesnt' do for me what it used to. But than again I haven't tried to really write in a long time. Quick a theory while the feeling lasts. Motivation is positively correlated to the duration we feel certain emotions.

God damnit. I've seriously got some problems I can't kick. I'm addicted to masturbating. I'm addicted to smoking weed.

Hm, Is it really an addiction if it is justified? I've been depressed so long; the feeling of an orgasm and smoking weed seems to keep me at the level of happiness that I used to feel. God. It's been so long that I've been searching for that feeling. I can't remember what I even did in those times anymore. But let me just remind myself and everyone for the reasons of defense mechanisms, that, that life won't be permanent.

Ember is still down south in florida.

She told me more about this guy and how he's crazy. Schizophrenic crazy maybe. His daughter is a drugged up walking clot of dirt who roams the streets. His son doesn't care about anything has no ambition for life. He can't take knowing that Ember speaks to me. They get into huge arguments him and her until it settles. I'm not quite sure how that ends up with her in the house still. Maybe because the Crazy guy's love for her kicks in and he tells himself he can't be mad at her.

sMOKE SMoKE SMOKe

it's 4. I just ate breakfast. I feel like a stain of scum on the wall that hadn't been attended to in over a decade. I feel like the filth in this apartment will slowly take me down with it.

I miss Ember.

I miss that short time we had.

Im looking for someone

To talk to.

Full moon

I woke up on my old couch in my parents house. It was covered with a soft material to keep dog dander off but really harbored tons of dog germs. I felt my contacts dried up against the iris of my eye. Some cartoon show was on the big 46 inch tv and the smell of stale banana bread welcomed my senses. My mother left it out for me to eat before she left, I guess I passed out. It was 430 in the morning. I felt a sense of failure in my heart knowing I didn't answer mikail or my cousin. I felt id let them down as I usually do. I told myself I don't care, all I need is... Ember... my mind felt like the floor just fell out from under me. A highrise white collar cubicle maze had just sunken in the ground and I've a new intense relationship with velocity. I thought of her and my mind had already well associated the thought of her with checking my phone. I desperately searched for it as this feeling of depression sat on my skin like a splash of acid. I tossed and turned unsheveling myself and the couch. I gave up and tried to diffuse the on comming panic attack telling myself to breathe and give up and move on. I calmed down. I found my phone, everything I hurt for is made up now. All my pain can cease to exist! Ember must have messaged me. She must have left me messages. *check* No one. No Ember. No Mikail. At that point I felt terrible. I tried to make my pain go away by eating some bread.